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@sleeplesswork
ā ā ā ā āĀ Ā Ā Ā Ā ā #ššššššššššššš. āĀ ā ā ā ā ā ā ā ā ā ā an abandoned blog
PSA: after much thought, i plan to move blogs :3 i'm not sure when i will, but until then i am on hiatus ! read tags if you want more info
i⦠need to talk-
i hunted for the english version of this so you can all feast your eyes on my fat and greedy boy⦠i think i'm going to re read the manga ā¦
i need to shut up and get back to writing but can you please spare a second to look at my boy ??? i am going insane, the anime is just so lovely :,)
i will cry. i crode.
that till comic and i right ??? holy shit. lort. itās given me so many thoughts so i am here to share some ! i'll be back for part twoā
the way this comic starts of is just so !! these are the big moments for till's life, which, of course, include his most important people. running away beneath the meteors with ivan, and watching mizi get on stage, along with watching her finally hold him after being shot.
these side by side are destroying me ;-; but OHHHH till reaching out ... i am convinced till wasn't even kicking and screaming as they dragged him away, he was just too out of itā¢ļø but he was reaching out, as if that could help, as if ivan wasn't finally out of reach. also the way the guard almost seems to be leaning down to check ivan, considering his vitals weren't exactly hit it makes sense;; but ouch, punch to my gut
and here is the parasite himself !!! before i yap, i want to say the villainization of ivan is wack, and very over exaggerated. when watching a show like alien stage you need to understand that people put in terrible situations will do bad things, that doesnāt make them satan incarnate, it merely makes them a product of their environment ! but on the other end of this spectrum, i think completely justifying and ignoring his actions is also wrong ā they did negatively impact till, and even if that wasnāt intended, it still is a result of what ivan did. and i think this comic shows it so very well !! so here are some of my thoughts on that :0
looking at this, i think it's clear that these arenāt things ivan would actually say ā this is a hallucination, it's a manifestation of his own self hatred along with his misunderstanding of ivan's character. yeah, till is just as bad as the fandom with this T^T
" this was the face i didn't want to see most " i feel as if till certainly wants to see ivan ( alive ) but that isn't possible, all he has is this phantom, a projection of his own self hatred. of course he doesn't want to see ivan.
though, i also find the changing of ivan's age so interesting. clearly the adult him / round six is the most unsettling of the bunch, which makes sense, he is the one that jumped on till, the one he saw bloodied and killed. of course his thoughts of him have grown the most perturbed, but then thereās teen him, which till seems uncomfortable with ( ending the conversation the moment their eyes met ). this also makes sense to me, it's after the meteor shower, it's after his princely persona was formed, after ivan broke their normality by stopping their fights⦠not to mentioned puberty, an influx of experiments and events with urak. so it's a very uncomfortable time. then thereās them as children, which was probably the easiest time for till, so that's what ivan appears at when he's at peace.
this little conversation ;-; yes ivan, till drew you !! and of course he didn't show it, just like he never showed mizi these types of things. the way till seems genuinely taken aback by ivan possibly being upset by this, only to get that creepy smile, a reminder that this isn't ivan. he can't learn anything new from this apparition.
quick side note: while this conversation was very similar in japanese, it ends a little differently. rather than till realising that his lack of showing could be a reason for ivan being upset, till jumps onto something new, " were you lonely ? " ohhhh, it upsets me, it upsets me greatly
OKAY LETS TALK ABOUT TILL'S BRANDING !!! and his neck lort !! i always thought the tattoos were less of tattoos and more something buried into the skin. which, yeah, is obvious, but seeing it peel is just. woah. my boy is absolutely destroying the thing, and himself in the process. he's peeled it multiple times. OH ! and the fact that seeing till practically self harm is what causes 'ivan' to stop harassing him and clam down. suddenly choking him on stage certainly did something to till's mindā¢ļø, he doesn't understand ivan attacked to save him, he thinks ivan just genuinely wanted to hurt him. so, of course, his hallucination wants him injured.
⦠last thing ⦠and this is where i worry i'll get burned at the stake- i am going to just say it as it is, ivan assaulted till, both physically and sexually. i know ya hate to hear it ā and guess what ! i bet till would hate to hear it too. but it's simply what happened. and it's shown in this comic, ivan kissing till to shut him up almost, stop him from talking about mizi. ( i KNOW the real ivan wouldnāt do this, wouldnāt stop till from talking about what brings him joy, but as an external source says to do this, his hallucination acts on it ) after it, till is instantly in tears, hand clasping his neck. he is so very uncomfortable with this type of intimacy.
and the hand up his shirt. I AM SEEING SO MANY PEOPLE SEXUALISE THIS. i am. so disappointed. till looks HORRIFIED. he genuinely looks so scared, this is the most fearful i think anyone is alien stage has looked. he does not like it. okay but why is he imagining ivan so touchy like this ? because he was ! and it was once something till was comfortable with !! but itās twisted, and it's become distressing. ivanās reaching for his neck, reaching to hurt him, digging his nails into till's neck, pointing out his lack of voice, his failure to speak his mind back when they were together. he gently leans against till's back while clawing at his throat, kissing him softly while choking him. affectionate while simultaneously contradicting those affections with pressuring words and violence. till clearly has survivors guilt, and ivan is a manifestation of that.
anyways bye
ćåćć£ć±å ć”ććććć
@sleeplesswork's ghost blade spoke to wreck : " sorry i gave dragon boy permission to bite nice, i wasnāt aware he was spoken for in that department "Ā
IS THAT WHY THERE HAD been someone hovering nearby, a dark spot in their peripheral vision ? always out of sight, never out of mind. he had stayed close to nice, not close enough to create any suspicion but close enough to ā to what ? jump in to save him ? funny, the public knew him to be a hero, he'd be fine with the trust they had in him. more than fine.
but wreck is taking that back right this second, not when it was the #3 hero sneaking around them, hounding them ā or in this particular case nice ā to a place where he could strike best. he's heard him whining about nice, heard how he'd want to have aĀ taste. it made something burn within wreck, jealousy, annoyance. definitely both, preferably less of the first.Ā
body stands rigid at sudden appearance of another hero, before he slumps justĀ slightly. frown marring his face when he stares at the assassin hero, arms cross in defense and annoyance grows even further. he tries, though, not to sound agitated, especially to his elder. " can you call him back ? "
invisibleĀ untilĀ theĀ momentĀ heĀ forcedĀ attentionĀ uponĀ himself,Ā theĀ numberĀ fourĀ heroĀ exhaledĀ withĀ deliberateĀ restraint,Ā voiceĀ quiet,Ā inĀ aĀ failedĀ attemptĀ atĀ notĀ comingĀ acrossĀ asĀ frighteningĀ despiteĀ theĀ jarringĀ natureĀ ofĀ hisĀ suddenĀ appearance.Ā itĀ didĀ veryĀ littleĀ āĀ dullĀ eyesĀ watchingĀ theĀ youngĀ manĀ flinchĀ upright.Ā aĀ practisedĀ apologyĀ satĀ atĀ theĀ tipĀ ofĀ hisĀ tongue,Ā shapedĀ byĀ habitĀ moreĀ thanĀ remorse,Ā dismissedĀ ratherĀ quicklyĀ asĀ hisĀ attentionĀ wasĀ drawnĀ backĀ toĀ theĀ topicĀ atĀ hand.
noĀ matterĀ whatĀ ghostĀ bladeĀ saidĀ orĀ didn't,Ā dragonĀ boyĀ seemedĀ quiteĀ contentĀ withĀ harassingĀ treeman'sĀ nice.Ā heĀ couldn'tĀ quiteĀ understandĀ whyĀ āĀ fromĀ whatĀ smallĀ interactionsĀ they'dĀ had,Ā theĀ 'perfect'Ā heroĀ seemedĀ polite,Ā evenĀ ifĀ saidĀ mannersĀ hadĀ aĀ forcedĀ edgeĀ toĀ them.Ā despiteĀ theirĀ statusĀ asĀ co-workers,Ā theĀ assassinĀ didn'tĀ payĀ muchĀ mindĀ toĀ dragonĀ boy,Ā sawĀ himĀ asĀ littleĀ moreĀ thanĀ backgroundĀ noise,Ā perhapsĀ thatĀ wasĀ aĀ mistakeĀ onĀ hisĀ end.Ā nowĀ thatĀ heĀ wasĀ involvedĀ inĀ thisĀ fiasco,Ā itĀ wasĀ bestĀ heĀ understoodĀ theĀ groundsĀ onĀ whichĀ theĀ youngerĀ dislikedĀ nice.
āāĀ iĀ couldĀ try . . .Ā butĀ thisĀ matterĀ mightĀ beĀ bestĀ resolvedĀ betweenĀ dragonĀ boyĀ andĀ niceĀ himself.Ā āā
@sleeplesswork
he smiled, smug, meant to rile till up even more if he was still looking his way. ivan wished he did. beneath a layer of confidence, there was always that silent plea. ā i do, ā what guy didn't smoke yet carried a lighter or two on his person at all times? someone obsessed with the flames, of course.
despite accepting the offered pack and taking one of the few remaining cigarettes, he held it up to till's lips instead, the lighter in his other hand already flipped open, sparks dancing. ā say ahh, pretty boy. ā
cigaretteĀ takenĀ (Ā stolenĀ ),Ā theĀ restĀ ofĀ theĀ packĀ isĀ shovedĀ away,Ā temptationĀ temporarilyĀ outĀ ofĀ sight,Ā despiteĀ remainingĀ prevalentĀ onĀ hisĀ mind.Ā ifĀ tillĀ litĀ oneĀ upĀ everyĀ timeĀ ivanĀ prickledĀ hisĀ nerves,Ā he'dĀ beĀ aĀ chainĀ smoker.Ā mightĀ beĀ hardĀ toĀ bookĀ rolesĀ ifĀ hisĀ voiceĀ orĀ healthĀ wereĀ ruinedĀ āĀ evenĀ ifĀ he'sĀ alreadyĀ halfwayĀ there.
theĀ snapĀ ofĀ ivan'sĀ lighterĀ catchesĀ hisĀ attentionĀ onceĀ more,Ā likeĀ theĀ youngerĀ can'tĀ goĀ aĀ momentĀ withoutĀ it.Ā tealĀ huesĀ roll,Ā prettyĀ boy,Ā he'sĀ temptedĀ toĀ smackĀ thatĀ grinĀ offĀ ofĀ plushĀ lips.Ā realĀ fuckin'Ā shameĀ ivanĀ wouldĀ probablyĀ beĀ intoĀ that.Ā āāĀ assĀ āāĀ aĀ quietĀ grumbleĀ beforeĀ theĀ cigaretteĀ isĀ accepted,Ā alwaysĀ easyĀ toĀ giveĀ in.
watchingĀ theĀ endĀ meetĀ Ivan'sĀ flame,Ā itĀ smoulderedĀ quietlyĀ beforeĀ pullingĀ back.Ā inhalingĀ deeperĀ thanĀ necessary,Ā slouchingĀ justĀ aĀ littleĀ beforeĀ releasingĀ aĀ bloomĀ ofĀ smoke.Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āāĀ y'know,Ā iĀ wasn'tĀ actuallyĀ inĀ theĀ moodĀ forĀ aĀ smokeĀ āā
unprompted ; always accepting !
ā ... what? ā His gaze flickered over, utterly impassive and neutral as to the ogling of his chest. Really, as Housewarden, he ought to have had more shame about it all. If someone were truly determined, they could have easily peered at the gap between fabric and skin to completely study the smooth planes beneath.
This, of course, did not cross Leona's mind, for there was really no point in worrying over something as frivolous as skin. Garments from Sunset Savanna showed more, after all. If anything, he found the affairs of high collars and buttons to be all too stuffy.
šÆļø>:0
( @sleeplesswork / prompted. )
he's changed. a lot. back when we were in school i wouldn't have pegged him for such a workaholic. i wonder where it all started. i think his father had been sort of pushy about it and angry with him when we started the band. wasn't a career to his liking. i just didn't think i'd end up being the more rebellious one here. but he'd never tell me anything. i guess that never changed. even today he's so awfully secretive.
but i know him. i know better. i know he wants me. might even want to get back into music, but he's got too comfortable resting on his laurels. he's rich. famous. agencies are clawing at one another to secure him as the lead actor for their movies. he's got everything he'd ever wanted in that regard. the whole world belongs to him. but he doesn't belong in that kind of spotlight. i need to drag him back down. i know what's good for him. i kept his dream alive. i just need to convince him to follow.
he'll be mine again. i won't let him forget me. everywhere he looks, i'll be there. i'll embed myself into his veins. i don't care how long it takes. i'll make him mine. i want him. i need him like i need oxygen.
maybe even more.
his eyes lifted, pausing in his scrutiny of the cd when till spoke. the stutter in his voice made ivan narrow his eyes. like he was posing till a challenge; daring him to appear more confident in his choice, if that was truly his favorite.
ā fine, ā he said eventually with a sigh, accompanied by a faint shrug and a roll of his eyes as he handed the cd back to its rightful owner. ā i like it. but i want to see the other drafts regardless. just because i like to see anything made by you. ā a more confident smirk then found his lips, as he swung an arm around till's shoulders and pulled him closer with a playful shake.
ā we're going to my place. i also want to hear the finished product. ā there would be no arguments. maybe he could even coerce till into playing and singing it live; ivan had some instruments lying around.
nervousĀ handsĀ areĀ quickĀ toĀ retrieveĀ theĀ surrenderedĀ musicĀ demo,Ā aĀ taskĀ thatĀ preventsĀ himĀ fromĀ fidgetingĀ withĀ hisĀ shirt'sĀ hem.Ā hisĀ eyesĀ flickerĀ downĀ toĀ theĀ brightĀ pinksĀ andĀ bluesāĀ wellĀ . . . itĀ certainlyĀ doesn'tĀ fitĀ theĀ olderĀ man'sĀ image.Ā maybeĀ heĀ shouldĀ reconsider,Ā he'dĀ neverĀ wantĀ toĀ beĀ somethingĀ thatĀ hindersĀ ivan,Ā evenĀ ifĀ itĀ meantĀ editingĀ hisĀ ownĀ artisticĀ visionĀ toĀ betterĀ match.
smoothĀ wordsĀ don'tĀ nullifyĀ hisĀ worries,Ā butĀ theyĀ certainlyĀ subdueĀ them,Ā atĀ leastĀ forĀ now.Ā ivanĀ likesĀ it,Ā andĀ somehowĀ thatĀ opinionĀ mattersĀ farĀ moreĀ thanĀ till'sĀ own.Ā heĀ nods,Ā smallĀ andĀ quiet,Ā he'sĀ okayĀ showingĀ whatĀ elseĀ heĀ hadĀ crafted,Ā evenĀ ifĀ they'reĀ rough,Ā messyĀ draftsĀ āĀ becauseĀ ivanĀ likesĀ toĀ seeĀ anythingĀ madeĀ byĀ him.Ā howĀ heĀ goesĀ fromĀ stomach-achinglyĀ nervousĀ toĀ giddyĀ soĀ quicklyĀ isĀ beyondĀ him.
āāĀ o-okay ! . . . theĀ backingsĀ areĀ finished,Ā soĀ areĀ mostĀ ofĀ theĀ vocalsĀ āāĀ theĀ wordsĀ feelĀ clunky,Ā dumblyĀ sittingĀ onĀ hisĀ tongue,Ā butĀ tillĀ smilesĀ nonetheless.Ā moreĀ thanĀ willingĀ toĀ playĀ theĀ demoĀ overĀ atĀ theĀ singer'sĀ house,Ā it'sĀ moreĀ importantĀ thanĀ theĀ coverĀ afterĀ allĀ āĀ soĀ longĀ asĀ theĀ songĀ isĀ approved,Ā visualsĀ andĀ allĀ elseĀ canĀ beĀ revised.
is this all in my head ? (for Weiss!)
whenĀ trappedĀ inĀ aĀ realityĀ soĀ bleakĀ itĀ gnawsĀ atĀ theĀ edgesĀ ofĀ sanity,Ā worseĀ thanĀ deathĀ itself,Ā escapeĀ isĀ merelyĀ anotherĀ necessity.Ā evenĀ ifĀ it'sĀ notĀ genuine,Ā one'sĀ mindĀ requiresĀ reprieves,Ā fragmentsĀ ofĀ stillnessĀ amidstĀ theĀ endlessĀ howlĀ ofĀ suffering,Ā aĀ minuteĀ ofĀ peaceĀ inĀ aĀ worldĀ refusingĀ toĀ grantĀ it.Ā thisĀ wasĀ aĀ simpleĀ truthĀ evenĀ deepgroundĀ understoodĀ āĀ whyĀ elseĀ wouldĀ thereĀ beĀ hologramsĀ lightingĀ theĀ sky ?Ā faultyĀ asĀ theyĀ wereā¦Ā weissĀ hadĀ neverĀ understood,Ā neverĀ cared.Ā their freedom was merely in their heads. heĀ hadĀ noĀ needĀ toĀ leaveĀ soĀ longĀ asĀ heĀ wasĀ withĀ nero,Ā aĀ bondĀ soĀ absoluteĀ itĀ eclipsedĀ everythingĀ elseĀ āĀ butĀ asĀ hisĀ brotherĀ grew,Ā andĀ he'dĀ beenĀ allowedĀ theĀ smallestĀ glimpseĀ ofĀ whatĀ wasĀ aboveĀ ground,Ā hisĀ thoughtsĀ startedĀ toĀ twist,Ā coilingĀ intoĀ strangeĀ shapes,Ā unsettlingĀ andĀ new.
hisĀ humĀ isĀ simple,Ā notĀ quiteĀ cruel,Ā notĀ quiteĀ kind,Ā detachedĀ asĀ heĀ lollsĀ hisĀ headĀ toĀ theĀ side,Ā asĀ ifĀ consideringĀ theĀ words.Ā theĀ caveĀ theyĀ stoodĀ inĀ hadĀ beenĀ desolate,Ā awayĀ fromĀ theĀ harshĀ elements,Ā farĀ enoughĀ thatĀ lightĀ hadn'tĀ daredĀ peekĀ through.Ā itsĀ airĀ wasĀ thickĀ withĀ oldĀ dustĀ andĀ silence,Ā likeĀ home.Ā āāĀ everythingĀ is.Ā āāĀ despiteĀ theirĀ drearyĀ situation,Ā theĀ sightĀ angealĀ looksĀ toĀ isĀ oneĀ ofĀ aĀ lushĀ village,Ā oneĀ ofĀ hisĀ home,Ā whereĀ housesĀ stillĀ standĀ tallĀ andĀ childrenĀ runĀ aboutĀ āĀ notĀ ghostsĀ butĀ flickersĀ ofĀ memory.Ā theĀ illusionĀ pulsesĀ gently,Ā pulledĀ fromĀ theĀ ex-soldier'sĀ memories.
āāĀ don'tĀ youĀ likeĀ itĀ ?Ā āā
with the other actors dispersing, ivan's expression quickly relaxed, too. like he was suddenly a different person. the contrast became all the more jarring once till expressed his agreement. it made ivan perk up, eyes practically sparkling.
ā waitā stop, back up. can you say that again? pleeeasee? i want it recorded on my phone! ā and he was pulling the device out. like he was serious. he was. he'd probably use it as his alarm ringtone, honestly.
like a lost puppy, he followed after the actor as he turned on his heel. straight home? ā that's fine. you can cook for me, then. last i had anything you made, it's not so bad than what it used to be. ā
thereĀ isn'tĀ aĀ secondĀ betweenĀ till'sĀ words,Ā aĀ noncommittalĀ shrugĀ soĀ casualĀ itĀ borderedĀ onĀ dismissive,Ā (Ā asĀ ifĀ heĀ hadn'tĀ justĀ litĀ theĀ youngerĀ manĀ upĀ )Ā andĀ theĀ wayĀ heĀ turnsĀ onĀ hisĀ heels,Ā leavingĀ inĀ aĀ whirlĀ ofĀ sharpĀ footstepsĀ andĀ feignedĀ indifference,Ā withoutĀ aĀ glanceĀ back.Ā they'veĀ playedĀ thisĀ gameĀ before,Ā soĀ manyĀ damnĀ timesĀ itĀ hadĀ becomeĀ muscleĀ memory,Ā aĀ tiredĀ ritualĀ that'sĀ alwaysĀ theĀ same,Ā ivanĀ trottingĀ behind,Ā onĀ hisĀ heelsĀ āĀ anĀ overĀ excitedĀ puppy.Ā aĀ dogĀ waggingĀ itsĀ tailĀ now,Ā butĀ growlingĀ andĀ snarlingĀ before,Ā fangsĀ baredĀ andĀ hacklesĀ raisedĀ āĀ aĀ shameĀ heĀ knewĀ firstĀ handĀ thatĀ itĀ wasn'tĀ bark,Ā noĀ bite.
āāĀ cookĀ forĀ youĀ ?Ā āāĀ finallyĀ glancingĀ back,Ā theĀ phoneĀ stillĀ wavingĀ inĀ theĀ darkĀ hairedĀ man'sĀ handĀ hasĀ tillĀ allĀ butĀ scoffing.Ā theĀ laughĀ thatĀ followsĀ isĀ dry.Ā neverĀ again.Ā praiseĀ goesĀ toĀ ivan'sĀ headĀ farĀ tooĀ quicklyĀ thanĀ shouldĀ beĀ healthy.Ā āāĀ notĀ aĀ chance,Ā thatĀ defeatsĀ theĀ purposeĀ ofĀ goingĀ homeĀ toĀ relaxĀ āāĀ hisĀ toneĀ makesĀ itĀ soundĀ likeĀ anĀ obviousĀ truth,Ā evenĀ ifĀ heĀ hadĀ improvedĀ overĀ theĀ years,Ā aĀ slowĀ evolutionĀ fromĀ burningĀ toastĀ toĀ actualĀ edibleĀ meals,Ā solomĀ didĀ tillĀ cookĀ forĀ himselfĀ (Ā letĀ aloneĀ someoneĀ elseĀ ) . . . whenĀ youĀ workĀ asĀ hardĀ asĀ heĀ does,Ā pushingĀ pastĀ theĀ limitsĀ ofĀ exhaustionĀ moreĀ daysĀ thanĀ not,Ā orderingĀ dailyĀ becomesĀ aĀ normalityĀ despiteĀ theĀ costs.
" till isn't mute because he breathed / because they got his va to do that sigh " tell me you're an idiot without telling me you're an idiot. people only disliked the theory because they viewed it as a punishment ( a little ableist if you ask me- ) but it isn't, it's simply the result of what happened⦠and even if till hadn't been shot in the neck, when you have something constantly used against you, it's only natural to not want this thing anymore. so whether or not till is selectively mute, or physically can't speak, if you view it as his punishment for any of his past actions you're weird af !! also the " we'd be screwed if we didn't save that kid " is rebellion leader till proof to me ~
till when he learns pink hair isn't exactly rare aw ;-; oh and isaac saying there's two people with pink hair underground and at least seven above makes me think i was right ⦠with the rebellion base being somewhat under ground heh
the drawings of mizi ⦠i wonder if these were done by segyein or the rebellion ⦠oh ugh, my poor girl deserves so much better ;-; i'm heartbroken that this is her legacy, and i know till is too. OH and mizi looks to be badly burned :(( jeez my poor girl, she's giving me so many feelings
AND LAST BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST HEHEHEHHEHEGEHEHEHEHGEHEHEH
i should write a billion word essay on the casino scene ⦠maybe we will get some till pov next week, with him being the end of this comic, it would make sense !!
BUT ALSO !!! does this mean the casino scene was happening while mizi was having this argument ??? ohhhh i'm gonna be sick
o h . . . u g h !! it gets sadder and sadder, was mizi told about that night ??
everyone should match icons with me, i'm not at all annoying or bossy !!
he's calling gumi as we speak . . . bye ivan and rytm