LETmeTHINK

✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧ things that I would like to ponder over.✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧

[sleepwhothat]

•I remember, it was my grandmother's funeral. People were leaning over the casket, and muttering how my grandmother deserved the rest. But did she really though?

I remember sitting there, looking at the person that looked awfully familiar to the person inside the casket. I could not move an inch, seeing this person desperately trying to get back to inside my grandmother's dead and cold body.

[sleepwhothat]

There's something about walking down to your kitchen at midnight that makes your heart, beat a little bit faster, and your steps a little bit longer.

On how you somehow have the ability to see from the back of your head, and how you can feel phantom touches that grazes your skin.

There's something about it.

[sleepwhothat]

I REMEMBER

•I remembered humming a tune, it stuck to my head because it followed me everywhere.

•i loved the rain, especially when it would speak to me in Morse code. Made me feel less lonely.

•the others think that my brother is in that age, 'he got an imaginary friend' they would say. But is it though? I could clearly see it blink at me.

•the little girl I play in the fields in my dreams is lovely, I wished she would've stopped staining my white dress with blood though.

[sleepwhothat]

You know what kept me up?

That I'm just, in the middle, you know? Like I'm not that attractive, but I'm sometimes attractive. I'm not that smart, but I'm smart. My art ain't even that good, but it's good.

I'm just there.

Awkwardly in the middle.

[sleepwhothat]

Sunday, April 13, 2021

This wasn't the first time that I have those thoughts. I have always wondered, what was was wrong with me. If I really am that useless, that selfish, that prideful. I think "hey wouldn't I just be better dead?" Time and time again. Again and again and again. I would say to myself "dontdontdontdont". Insomnia would take me by the waist at night, it would whisper the sweetest things— never letting me close my eyes.

By the morning, I would forget how I ended up closing them.

The feeling of constant self-destruction, constant blame, constant pressure. "I don't like how I'm feeling" but yet I can't stop myself. Those poetries I write? those quotes I constantly say to myself? In the end those are just useless words.

The blood was never pearl like, it didn't glisten, it didn't drop gracefully. It was just blood. What's so poetic about blood?

"What's stopping me?" -the little things. My drawings, my writings, the times where I could just be emersed by myself.

"What about my family? My friends?" -what about them?

Im not trying to blame them. But so what?

"Is it worth it?" -i won't know until I actually do it.

-Scattered

[sleepwhothat]

Things in the testament that I find fascinating.

[Everyone will admit that I was right when their rulers are thrown down a rocky cliff, and their bones lie scattered like broken rocks on top of a grave.]

-psalm 141, a psalm by David

[sleepwhothat]

"I scraped star dust off my nails. And found out it was nail polish, I'd like to think otherwise"

[sleepwhothat]

I Remember ²

• I remembered walking down an empty dark Path. All of a sudden a dog appeared in front of me, all black and unseen. Somehow we made a connection. He would not look back. And so would I.

• I remembered saying "I swear, the moon just blinked"

• I remember laying down, listening to the cicadas. Then my friend muttered " I know, let's not talk. You go back." I remembered hearing the same whisper from the cicadas.

• I remembered following a voice that would lead me away from trouble. And I would follow it unconditionally, regardless of everything that I have broken.

[sleepwhothat]

google your name + your favorite color + “aesthetic” and the first four (noncollage) photos make up your moodboard.

Lololol tried it

[sleepwhothat]

I REMEMBER

• I remembered my mother shouting at me for not following her orders -for not cooking if I recall. I remembered my head shaking, and not wanting to approached the kitchen. She calls herself my mother, but my mother does not look like that.

• I remembered, me and my younger brother playing with a ball. The ball went to the shrubs, I remember taking ahold of his hand and refusing to let go. And for a second I think he saw it too.

• I Remembered that I didn't want my cousin, to go alone or go anywhere with anyone. The night was was beautiful, and that was scary.

• I remembered looking out of the window of the car, and watched idly as the red eyed man follows us.

• I remembered asking my grandma why the people went home with different faces everyday. I remembered her smiling sadly, and I remembered couldn't stop my tears.