Something, but probably not worthwhile.
Hello guys. After a fuck all hiatus, ‘if you could call it that,’ I’m *sorta* here? I’ve been gone a fuck all time. I had to quit for awhile, I had to just *drop* things, or else I risked just... Going over this deep end. I was getting so stuck in Tumblr, and just trying to *please* people, or it’s how I felt, I suppose. When I first joined tumblr, when I first *made* the blog what it is now, I made it for *me*, I made it for my enjoyment, my goals, my happiness, to interact with the fellow people that ever so enjoyed the hell out of Zootopia. And it was just that, for such a long time, but in that same amount of time, I felt myself getting dragged down, further and further into this pit of just.
“I can’t get it right, I can’t manage, I’m not as good as the *other* blogs, or my graphics aren’t good, my pictures, my blog itself, the layout. I’m not *good* enough.”
I found myself worrying more about the other people, the other Nick blogs, or the blogs that I *wasn’t* getting attention from. I focused more on the gain, than the goal I set out for myself, to be *happy* and enjoy this fandom. I just felt though... Over time I felt like I just wasn’t enough. Like I was taking up time better spent with other more well done Nick blogs. I found myself actually growing with anxiety when I thought about logging in, just to *see* what I once fell in love with, turned to... A self-hating machine, that I couldn’t pry myself away from. I had to take a break, I had to peel myself away for my own safety, for my own health. I was spiraling, I could feel it. Some days I would legitimately break down, sit and just *stare* at my screen, stare at blogs that I felt were just so *better*, and then look back to me and I’d just... I’d lose it some days. I had to take a long look at what was better for me, and I couldn’t do *another* little hiatus message, because I felt that gave me an *obligation* or an excuse to come back. I know I more than likely left so much just *sitting*, with so many others. But I just had to go, I just had to drop it or I was gonna find myself just... In such an even worse way, I can’t begin to imagine. I grew self-hatred, and I grew the feeling I just was an *excuse* on Tumblr, a sad excuse.
Thank you for reading this if you’ve gotten this far. I don’t know if I’m *really* gonna be back for good, I just don’t know. I’m still very worried about falling back into that same routine I had to leave for. I have a lot more responsibility now IRL than before, so I just don’t know what’s gonna happen in terms of coming back.
origamiaround
janainaart
theartofmadeline
areudirty
dededos
