View From The Pit: Slipknot

A travel diary for documenting trips to see Slipknot!

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Pit stop...

Made it home today after a week away seeing Slipknot and travelling around.

The last two London shows were very cool - having spent a few months wondering HOW they were going to fit on stage at Ally Pally without literally destroying themselves or the venue - the shows felt fresh yet intimate. The crowds have been friendly and it hasn’t got to the point where we’re tired of being crushed and unable to breathe - although we have some bruises, nothing is broken or dislocated. So far.

I must say I’ve missed seeing the pyro at these shows but it’s good to know the band can still put on an incredible show without blowing the place to pieces and roasting their audience.

You’d think some of the danger was missing though and, you’d probably be right.

The jumps off the back line and the Union Jack flags are cool, but without the fireballs…they’re not death-defying feats. Not that I want the band in danger - but it feels more like a Slipknot show with a bit of fire thrown in. In the pyro’s place is a huge screen showing some cool visuals (and some slightly odd visuals that could resemble old Windows screensavers…). I’m forever grateful they didn’t go with the backlit by LED screens though - those are a nightmare for photographs.

Another thing that was a little disappointing this time around was the unchanging set list.

There has been the same set list at every show this time, putting a little twist on the second night in London where they substituted I Am Hated and Metabolic for Before I Forget and Custer respectively. But I’m not complaining at all. We were spoiled in 2015 with the rolling 3-set lists - a fixed set list is more usual.

I’m happy to see the band in this country at all again after the 2015 UK Tour. Usually we get 1 tour and a festival appearance every 2 years here, so they could come out and play any one song 15 times and I’d just be happy to be there.

Also, hearing any old songs are a bonus; I love the self titled and stuff off Iowa is a treat after they distanced from the album live for a while. It’s not my favourite album, but it’s good to hear the band backing it again. I had hoped to hear The Shape, since the band name-dropped the song a while back but it hasn’t happened this time.

Another pro of the same set list every night is, from a photography point of view, it means I have gotten better at predicting the jumps and other cool stuff the band do (I have a good idea now when Corey is going to leap off his platform, when Sid is going to go for it, when Clown does that thing with his bat and keg… or generally what else is coming when they play certain songs - I won’t spoil till after the tour…) it’s good for photo cues. To the point where I got my first ever mid-air shot of Sid the other night. I’m hoping to get one of Corey tomorrow…

Cons - they’ve taken Me Inside out, which was such a wonderful moment at Knotfest 2015. They’ve taken Prosthetics out too. I admit I was looking forward to hearing those couple of songs 7 more times but you can’t have everything.

They’re playing more off Iowa and .5 - adding Skeptic, Disasterpiece, Metabolic and I Am Hated to the mix of Negative One, Devil In I, and Left Behind. But no other real unexpected ones. The Devil In I, (Sic), Psychosocial, Negative One are all regular highlights to me. Plus now Spit It Out makes up the final song of the encore, with Left Behind and Surfacing. It’s a way better placement for the whole ‘jump the fuck up’ part. At least if you’re crushed to the brink, you’re only crushed for a few minutes now instead of the rest of the show.

That’s kind of it for cons. I know what’s coming. Not really a con, is it. I’m not one to bitch that they didn’t play 'my favourite song’ because I don’t have one. (Except Sulfur, Nomadic, The Shape and No Life to name just one from each album.)

Moving on. I am very excited to go see the whole thing again three more times. I even still wish it could all happen again next week - well shit, it’s cheaper than therapy.

Tomorrow marks a rather special event; I first met and saw Slipknot indoors in Birmingham at their February 2002 (rescheduled from November 2001 due to 9/11) date at the NEC. See earlier blog post. So I talked my best friend into partaking in a second meet and greet on this run.

Originally we booked an Ally Pally meet and greet just to ensure front barrier access because that venue is a nightmare to see at if you’re short like us and by the time I realised the 'LG Arena’ IS the NEC, I’d booked Ally Pally. And then they released a second Ally Pally date. Wish I’d just gone for EE for both shows. It’s really not that fun going 'hey, us again’ so soon. Especially with a group photo because there’s no individuality in the way they stand for it. It all feels very rigid this time. Not the way Slipknot should be…or have ever been. No goofy faces like with the individual meet and greet. Eh…

I want to get something important signed tomorrow because it represents 14 years of attending Slipknot shows, and being a fan of them for just over half my lifetime, but I’m too physically and emotionally exhausted to look at my options and decide properly. I don’t want to alienate the new guys by getting old promo stuff featuring ex-members on it either. I know nobody else (other fans or band) gives a shit, but I do.

To be frank, my friend and I found the £250 'meet’ a little awkward this time, (at least one per tour is fun just to take the opportunity to say hello & thanks & come back soon…) At 30 years old and as Slipknot veterans with 70 shows between us, I think we’re outgrowing the meet and greet experience. It could be the way I feel right now but, I may have to plan a little differently next time (and run the risk of wishing I had done more meet and greets if they go back to the 'nice way’!) I guess it’s a good problem to have. Oh I met Slipknot too many times, woe is me. Yeah right.

I’m just finding this time around that I’d rather pay a little less (£170), and enjoy the early entry part (not having to queue all day and getting to the front whilst I can still handle the barrier is so worth it!) than pay to mingle with relatively new fans and get 5 seconds with the band themselves.

In their defence, the meet and greet worked much better last time - the band members walked around individually and spent a couple of minutes with each person, taking photos and signing in one swoop. Now, it’s a long queue for a photo, then another long queue for an over-the-table signing. No real time to share many words with the guys before the next person is there getting their poster signed. So. Meh. In trade you get 8/9 guys show up. Kind of cool for sig-collectors, but, less interesting for people like me who have been fortunate to meet and develop some rapport with the guys over the last 15 years. Last year I got to talk to Corey about my job and touch base with Clown about the website he inspired me to set up and then get some photos I’d taken *on the tour* signed by the guys… But this year, when I needed their warmth more than ever, it just felt awkward.

I haven’t been in a great frame of mind or up to full health this time around so maybe it’s not fair to judge the thing. But with literally everything at work disintegrating around me and my grandma passing away suddenly (her funeral was held today - bang in the middle of the tour) - it just would have been nice to share more than a few tears and an awkward hug over a table with the band I’ve met and bumped into many times over the last 15 years.

I’m fortune Corey follows me on Twitter so I could at least add to my conversation with him privately, but having paid £250 - I hoped to have done this more effectively on the day. Again: Not complaining, just considering tomorrow my last meet and greet, especially for a long time. I genuinely didn’t feel like the band were as stoked to be there this time. Or maybe they’re sick of the sight of me (I gotta not overthink that…they don’t mince their words though so maybe I’m alright… How would you know? They’re professionals.)

I hope I get a second to ask if they preferred the old way, too. I probably won’t since we’re rushed through pretty fast.

So I wanted to get something more meaningful signed than the 'gift’ poster you get handed…which I got in London - hence my dilemma - but I’m probably just too tired to think clearly about any decisions. I can’t take my 2002/2004 drum head because they don’t sign instruments due to endorsement deals, and I’m pretty sure a Remo drumhead falls under that. Even 14 year old bloodstained Slipknot ones.

Maybe I’ll take something from Knotfest. Just because that was an old school meet and greet, and my birthday present and I didn’t get Chris, Jay, or Clown to sign anything there.

Anyway…time for bed.

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The Bunker Aftershow: DJ Starscream - 12am ~ 2am, 8th/9th Feb 2016.

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I bought a little merchandise in Cardiff…

• long sleeve shirt £30 • baseball shirt £30 • Tarot card shirt £25 • wheel shirt £25 • European tour shirt £25 • trucker cap £25 • patch £5 • beanie £25 • tote bag £12 • hoodie £50 • ‘coaches jacket’ £55 • wristband £5 • can koozie £5 • bandana £15

The merch lady ran to get me a bin liner so I could carry it all back to the hotel before the concert! Oops.

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Set list so far (I say that because things *might* change.) This was the same for Frankfurt, Cardiff and London night 1.

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Show 3: London Night 1

We got the 10:25am train (painful, after a long night in Cardiff, watching Sid DJ in a tiny club and getting to bed at 4am) from Cardiff to London. There was a successful pre-arranged bag-drop with my mum and then we headed off to Alexandra Palace. A grand looking place that's as ornate as it is terribly designed. It holds around 11,000 people with standing room only. No seats. No tiered or sloped floor, either. Read: unless you have 6' platform boots or are at the front or are over 7', you ain't gonna see. For this reason: pretty much exclusively - my friend and I bought ourselves M&Gs. We didn't even trust early entry* to get us to the front. We arrived at the venue around 1pm, way too early for our 3:45pm meet and greet registration. We sat and had a bite of lunch and a drink before meeting up with another friend of ours and heading into our meet and greet. All 8 members of Slipknot are a pretty formidable thing to walk in on. First everybody (around 100 people) lined up around the room and the band (eventually) came in. First up, photos with the band. One or two people to a photo, a backdrop and a mostly unmasked Slipknot - Jay and V-Man are masked at this time. Once your photo is done, you line up again for the 1-item signing. They give you a poster with the package if you haven't anything you'd rather get signed. The poster is a slightly larger than A4 textured band promo print and it's stunning. Even more so signed. 133, Craig, #5, doesn't do signings so I guess it's becoming cool to have an object signed by Slipknot but missing his signature - so the drumhead I've had since 2002 is now trendy. Things come around, I guess. I told the band my tale of woe and thanked them for their incredible timing with this tour. They were all wonderful and apologised for my loss and gave me hugs over the signing table. I was a little upset by the time I got to Clown but they were pros. My photo/s came out ok - but I'll do some creative Photoshopping with my own face. In one I'm smiling, in the other I look about to bawl. Yeah. After that wonderful time, and more tears, we queued again to get into the concert hall. No bags were allowed in so we had to check everything into a cloakroom which later resembled a post zombie apocalypse Argos. An hour of queue to get one item with a shredded ticket bearing an identification number... The concert hall was FREEZING. I wrapped myself up in my hoodie so much security checked I was still breathing twice. Explaining I was tired and cold didn't seem to make sense to them... It got considerably warmer once Slipknot started. The show - I'll post something about the concerts themselves soon - was incredible. A friendly security guard gave me his set list. No matter how crazy I am about this band, I can't remember set lists. I am getting old and need things written down, clearly. Then after the show, a £5 taxi to the station because I seriously can't walk after 3 shows in 4" platform boots. My knees are blackened with bruises and my feet feel like they've been rubbed with bricks and had salt massage. Stinging and sore doesn't cover it. Easy train home (which we'd have totally missed without me pulling lazy rank and paying for the taxi), 1:30am McDonalds and almost another 3am bedtime. Same again tomorrow? Yes - except we're going Early Entry*. This second night was announced later and the VIP packages took a little while to show up for sale. I got general entry first then bought early entry and got a refund. I can't do 2 meet and greets back to back, it just gets awkward**. ** roll on Birmingham M&G... Till next time.

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Frankfurt to Cardiff

The flight to London from Frankfurt was on time and easy; caught the train from Heathrow into London Paddington, then picked up the tube to Victoria. Found my bestie and we made it to food and then the bus to Cardiff. My backpack gave up on me (11 years old and not up to the heavy duty haulage of a Slipknot tour. Make sure you take strong luggage!) so I called into a London souvenir shop on our way to the bus station and grabbed a big bargain bag on wheels. Whilst it might be too big to be future hand luggage, it makes for a great checked bag. And more importantly, for now will hold both my broken backpack and the extensive amount of merchandise I plan to purchase tonight after the show...! The bus was £10 for a single ticket and didn't stop, enabling us to arrive in plenty of time for pizza and Zoolander 2, which was fantastic. Probably only for fans of the original since there are so many cameos/throwbacks/silliness. It won't convert haters. But what sequel does? Anyway: tonight, Slipknot play the Motorpoint Arena. I was here in 2015 to see them and it's good to be back in this city. Our hotel is opposite the venue which makes for supreme convenience, since Sid is DJing an after party tonight. We can return with our stuff and head out again for the party. We leave early to get to London for the second UK show tomorrow. VIP all the way, baby! Which is good because there's a current storm in the UK and it makes queuing impossible. Once you go big, you don't go back!

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Arrived in Frankfurt, flight was on time and easy. Cab to the hotel was easy also. Unpacked and had a wander and when we got back to the hotel, a few crew and Sid were hanging outside. Said some hellos and got a photo. Off to a good start with this 2016 tour!

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Slipknot in the UK - 12 days to go!

My grandma passed away four days ago. She was 98 and had had a wonderful, happy life. She had been through some impossibly hard times too; she lost her husband and put a lot on her children. In 1983, she lost her son to a very aggressive lung cancer. When she worked, my grandma was a senior weaver in a cotton mill in Northern England, and she worked hard to make her salary cover the household. Although I never got to meet my uncle, I have a lot to thank my grandma for. My mum is the strongest, kindest and most genuine person I have ever known and somewhere, through good or bad, my grandma helped shape that. Once again - during one of the most difficult times I've been through - Slipknot are about to be there for me as they return to the UK for a tour. My grandma's funeral is due to take place on the only day there is no concert. I have a meet and greet with the band a few days before it, and the day immediately after. I bought a second meet and greet for a couple of reasons. I am going back to Birmingham NEC. This is the first indoor venue I ever saw them at in 2002, the first city I ever met the band at during a signing at Virgin Megastore, and one of the sites where I had my heart broken by a person who was supposed to be my best friend. This time - 14 years later - I go with my true best friend. Someone who is there no matter what and does amazing things for and with me. Without Slipknot, there's so many lessons I wouldn't have learned and there's so many people I would have never met. I have a lot to thank Slipknot for, but the Birmingham show is going to be the heaviest for me since losing Paul.

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Slipknot Road trip - 2008

The next time we saw Slipknot was in England in December 2008. It was there I began to take photographs. We skipped Cardiff, Glasgow, and Sheffield due to distances but had tickets for three London shows (including a show on my 23rd birthday*!), as well as Birmingham, Manchester, and Newcastle. I went to see them in Paris the week before they got to England. I had been friends with a French English teacher for a long time online and it was a good excuse to go and see her. I had a fantastic visit to Paris, she showed me a lot of galleries and art and we had a lot of fun (and amazing food). The show was superb too. A great icing on a wonderful cake. The crowd were too intense, so I backed out to go and watch from the seats...it amuses me they were selling baguettes to the crowd. How stereotypical. I would have never found the venue without my friend, so I'm still unsure if I'd return to Paris to see the band. It's easy to get to the city but navigating around it isn't quite so smooth. When I got home from Paris, Kayleigh and I began our 'most of the UK' tour (Sheffield, you still allude me). We had a hotel in London for the two nights and were going to split the driving between us to all the shows and stay with Kayleigh's family in Manchester and Newcastle. It was all planned and we were ready. At the show on my birthday, I was right on the barrier. Slipknot's security handed me an after-show pass. He would walk around the crowd and hand them out randomly. It enabled me to go and mingle upstairs at the venue after the show - and although only Joey and Sid were there, it was an awesome memory and experience. A great way to celebrate my birthday! However... After two London shows - Knee-Gate. I dislocated my knee outside, waiting for the third show and had to go to hospital. I had been asking Jim to come over to the gate to see us, but he wouldn't, and I twisted around to summon Kayleigh - but as I twisted around, my knee did not move with me, and it popped out and I collapsed on the ground. I haven't known pain like it! It shouldn't be that painful. Nothing broke. Nothing was permanent but Jesus. Someone called an ambulance and as it arrived to pick me up, Machine Head's tour bus arrived and they had to get out and walk around me to get into the venue. Black looks of death from them. Scowls. I'm SO SORRY to inconvenience you with my injury. I'll try to be incapacitated in a better place for you next time. Jerks. Off to the hospital. Crutches. Pain relief. Warning it would happen again. I made it back in time for the show of course, off my head on pain relief, on crutches, with my leg wrapped up tightly and with a huge thank you to Kayleigh and our new friend Debbie for assisting me back. Jesus it hurt. We traded in our standing tickets for disabled/seating and had some of the best views, but it just was not the same. We continued with the tour and phoned every venue to make ticket-switches before we got there. Going to the shows despite the crutches and pain was one of the best thing I could have done. It earned me serious kudos. I felt kind of proud. If Sid can tour in a wheelchair, I can do it on crutches. Kayleigh took over driving us to Birmingham, and her family accommodated me so kindly whilst her dad helped us drive between the most Northern points and came with us to see the band in Newcastle. In Newcastle, the same security guard walked the rounds before the show and saw where I was, then came to check I was okay after my...accident? So kind! The band had heard about what happened... Embarrassing but also kind of cool, I guess? It's all Jim Root's fault.

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First Slipknot Roadtrip - 2004

Slipknot have always been my safe place. They have been there any and every time I needed them. Literally. If I get close to giving up, a tour is announced. An album comes out. I feel so connected to this band and it’s very hard to explain to anyone who isn’t a fan. There are no casual Slipknot fans. There are those who love the music, or love the whole ethos of the band. Their philosophy has lent changed since 1999, and I don’t know of any other band that can say that. Everyone thought they’d get weaker as they got money but they’re just able to do more things. They haven’t ever disappointed.

Slipknot returned to the UK in 2004 for an album launch show on 24th May, at the Astoria (RIP). Kayleigh and I chose to go to the show and not the signing they held at midnight since we were young (we’d both just turned 19) and couldn’t do both. The show was amazing, but I remember a huge wait between the support band (My Ruin) and Slipknot. The crowd was rabid. It was there I started to meet fans I’d made friends with online - people from Holland and all over the UK were there. We also met Shawn Economaki, then Slipknot stage manager (I think?) and Stone Sour bassist. He was supremely nice, which I already knew from meeting him the previous year at the Stone Sour show (also at the Astoria) where Kayleigh and I first met.

After the Astoria show was Download 2004. Now infamous for when Joey stepped in to help out Metallica. I admit I don’t remember a huge amount, other than I was pretty close and some guy gave me his hat to wear, and someone ‘sailed’ over the crowd in a rubber dingy. That was back when Download weren’t as hot on what could come into the arena.

Then Dublin. At the RDA, also with Metallica. June 24, I think. It was the very first time I travelled outside of England to see Slipknot. A friend from my village came with me. My partner at the time really wasn’t interested but they braided my hair with long black and red wool dreads and I felt amazing. I loved it, even though it was a complete nightmare to get out.

My college lecturer at the time didn’t want me to go. There was a huge final project due in around that time and it was worth 30% of the course and I was supposed to focus on that. So I went to Dublin.

When Sam and I landed in Dublin airport, we were supposed to get a bus to our B&B (which my mum had helped me find and book, back before the days of booking.com!) we stood out in the airport, both wearing black heavy metal T-shirts. A lady approached us and asked if we like Slipknot. We said, (duh) “yeah! We flew out to see them.” And she said that she had just flown in from Paris with them and that they’d be coming out soon. Holy shit!

I told Sam we should go outside. Something told me that was a good place to be. As we turned to exit, I saw 'group meeting point’ right by the exit. Too easy, right? As we got closer, I saw a familiar '133’ tattoo on the back of someone’s neck. “It’s Craig!” My heart skipped a beat but we made it outside. Craig was talking with Joey about the map. Then we saw Mick. Jim. Paul. Clown… I interrupted them. Talked briefly with Paul, Clown, Joey and Jim and asked for photos with everyone except Craig. I’d heard he didn’t like to talk and I didn’t want to disrespect him by forcing him into it, I was also too scared he’d reject my photo request and I didn’t want to deal with that. Sam did not seem bothered by having photos so he took mine for me. We didn’t see Sid or Chris, but Corey eventually came out. He looked at me and said “something’s different…” It was only later I remembered my braids. I had decided to wear contacts around this time so I figured he meant that… Duh.

Eventually the band were collected and Sam and I went to find our bus. Once we found our B&B, we went to a bar. The smoking ban had just come in, so we sat outside. A group of guys were talking nearby but we didn’t interrupt. Later they included us and as we got talking to them, they handed us some Metallica picks. We’d had a beer with Metallica’s crew!

It was a combination of all those highs along with the buzz of actually making the trip 'abroad’ without parents, that made me want to travel to shows. It seems as though when everybody is in an unfamiliar place, it bonds them.

Slipknot came back to the UK in October on the Unholy Alliance tour with Hatebreed and Slayer. Slayer fans seemed to hate Slipknot fans and there was some bad blood that Slipknot were headlining over them. It made the queues and wait outside unpleasant but the gigs were fantastic. Slipknot brought out the Vermilion death masks on stage. Craig was out for dentistry.

On the tour, Slipknot didn’t change the set. My mum convinced me seeing them seven times in one year was excessive (Astoria, Download, Dublin, Manchester, Birmingham, and two London shows), so I sold my Manchester ticket. It seems a very small compromise now, but it was the one show I hadn’t fully figured out how to get to and from and she was getting het up about it, probably because she couldn’t come with me and I had no idea where I was going, so I gave in. I do regret it a little now, given that it would have been one more show to see - but it was still sensible. I was too young to adapt to getting lost and hadn’t really planned the journey meticulously…. And after three shows with the same set… I’ve seen more exciting things.

I headed up to Birmingham before the 2 London shows at Hammersmith. This time I was helping with the Roadrunner meet and greet. I was designated 'point person’ which meant everyone with a meet and greet had to find me. It was the first time I felt important. If nobody found me, the band wouldn’t meet the fans. It was a lot of responsibility but I enjoyed it and led the way to meet the band once we’d been collected.

I love how circular things are for me and this band… I lost out on a Birmingham meet and greet in February 2002, and then I helped out at a Birmingham meet and greet in October 2004.

I took my drumhead back with me and some of the band members signed it again (it’s signed by Corey and Sid twice) and I added Chris’, Mick’s, Joey’s, Clown’s, Paul’s signatures to it. It is now signed by everybody but Craig. I would love to get that fixed but he is impossible to get a hold of (although I did see him after the show in February 2015 in Amsterdam, I didn’t have the drumhead with me.)

My brother was at university at the time in Wolverhampton, about an hour outside Birmingham. Having got the train to the show, he picked me up after and I stayed with him before heading home the next day. Iowa had changed his mind about Slipknot and despite my best efforts, he never gave them another chance.

Since then, Kayleigh became my travelling buddy and the next time we saw Slipknot was at Download in 2005 and then we did most of the UK tour in 2008, but that’s for another post…

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Thank you, to Slipknot. For making me exceptionally happy and for always making everything worthwhile. I owe you everything.

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Road home...

I haven’t posted much these last couple of days because we haven’t done anything connected to Slipknot!

On a personal note, we visited San Francisco (one of my favourite cities in the world!) and drove my dream car to get there from San Bernardino (via Sacramento). We just drove all the way back to LA today. I did a good 90% of the driving today - super proud of myself. It’s a powerful car, the Mustang. A V6 when you’re used to a 1.4l is a bit of a bump but the car handled great and we had some amazing times in it! I’ll miss that car…

Now we’re back in LA, it’s almost time to leave America. I love this country, even though it’s a little wacky at times - the people we’ve met on this trip have all helped make it such a success and so special.

Everybody I met at Knotfest were amazing - I’ll never forget the lady who let me sit beside her on the barrier after a long day before Slipknot came on. She not only gave me a cigarette (we couldn’t buy any with UK ID’s…), she lit it (they took my lighter at the door) and then gave me food she’d bought for herself. Later I saw her offer a cigarette to a guy who was a little worse for wear. Lady, you are the kindest person I’ve ever met. Thank you.

To the guy who just got out of prison after serving a 13 year sentence - good luck to you living a new life. I wish you happiness and safety. It was kind of a privilege to watch Slipknot with you. Enjoy the rest of your free life. Thank you for letting me take photos and videos for you, I hope you take away some real inspiration to stay on ‘this side of the glass’. (We say that in probation as the front desk separates 'us and them’ with glass).

To the two guys who offered me a joint, shared their beers and then gave me their only lighter - thank you, for not only respecting me enough to 'move away so we don’t smoke you out’, but for giving me your green lighter. I shall keep it and remember you for a long time!

To the girl balanced precariously on the barrier near me - we survived! Stay metal!

To the steward who groped me and gave me his phone number and address - I shan’t call you. Ever.

To the photographers in the pit with me - thank you for apologising for head-bumps with massive lenses, thank you for letting me share your space even though you had never heard of me and will probably never see me again. Thank you for warning me about GWAR, thank you for making me feel welcome and a part of your world.

To the pricks who think I’m crazy - suck it!

To the people who are jealous - work hard and you can do it too.

To my best friend Kayleigh, I can’t wait for our next adventure.

Over and out until the next Slipknot Roadtrip… Coming February 2016…

Thanks for reading!

Photos to come…

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Slipknot's Scream Park & other adventures

Today we left San Bernardino and headed North to Sacramento to find Slipknot’s Scream Park - three haunted houses from ‘the twisted minds of Slipknot’, so we were in for something messed up.

I knew before we flew out what the houses entailed - one being completely blacked out and going around in a group with one flashlight didn’t appeal at all. To the point where I’ve been arguing with myself for months about whether to go inside or not. On one hand, Americans sue over the wrong toothpaste and on the other, Americans made Saw. So you can see why I was a little ambivalent about it. In the end, I trusted my gut and we bailed on that particular house. I’m sure it was great and not that awful but with jet lag brain and after 8 hours in the back of a Mustang*, it was the right decision for us.

So we found the park, in the middle of an industrial estate surrounded by fast food and outlet stores. Not exactly spooky. I had imagined it was in the middle of a derelict farm or something, but hey. I’ve always had a vivid imagination.

The entrance was so cool - a massive banner and swirling lights, ‘maggot entrance’ and speakers. Eventually the speakers kicked off, playing some Slipknot songs. We joined the queue and waited about 10 minutes for the doors to open. First we were scanned for any lighters, knives or weapons. SRSLY? What’s the deal with lighters? You guys carry guns. Next time I get asked if I have a knife I’m gonna ask, 'no - do you have a gun?’ Lighters are precious! I lost one to Knotfest. Then we went inside. It was already dark with neon spray painted Slipknot masks down one partitioned wall. They looked cool in blacklight but a little homemade. It was part of the charm, I guess. Then we got to the ticket desk and my tickets wouldn’t scan! First fright…! I explained I printed and bought them through the Scream Park site and the guy said that they’d had a few tickets that wouldn’t scan because they’d been bought with a stolen credit card (?!) I offered to prove I had the card I paid with, given I’d also bought the T-shirt add on and extra glo-sticks (pussy. Not ashamed.) but eventually the guy 'took my word for it’ and let me through. He gave me my shirt which I put over my shoulder and although he was out of glo-necklaces, he gave me 6 sticks. I lit up like a Christmas tree, which I then realised made me more of a target. I had one around my wrist, one around my neck and two in each shirt pocket. Yes, I am a wuss. A pussy. A scaredy cat of the highest degree and I don’t care. I went, and survived it. I did it despite knowing I’m a fucking mouse and got through it, all be it sweaty (it was 34° inside at least!) and glowing… All good fun, facing your fears and whatnot -_-

Then it was onto the first 'house’, Clown’s Playhouse. A guy in coveralls and a strange mask (it was too dark to see his get up clearly). He handed us 3D glasses and told us not to touch the props or actors and they won’t touch us. Phew! So nobody would touch us, what a relief. I checked with him like 3 times and he promised nobody would touch me. I hate being grabbed in the dark and I can’t stand being made to jump. Why was I here in this place? Oh yeah, Slipknot.

The guy banged on the wall of the house (to let the actors know people were coming through) and let us in, then as we walked passed him, he yelled 'I said hurry up!’ in my face which was terrifying because he was so nice a moment before. FUCK OFF. We floundered our way through a series of black corridors, me waving my orange and blue glo-sticks like…well. Like they could actually ward off evil spirits. Failed. A woman in a maid’s outfit and neon face paint appeared from NOWHERE and followed us. I rushed away from her and then remembered my weapons. My sticks became light-sabres and I said, “I have light and I’m not afraid to use it!” Yeah. She backed off though. Yeah, bitch! (We left her area of the house) and then we got to the next bit… All the corridors were neon painted and nothing was too distinguishable, some patterns were clown masks and others were just wavy lines. It was pretty, or would have been if PEOPLE STOPPED APPEARING FROM NOWHERE. They hid in corners and blended into the black backgrounds. FUCK OFF. We turned a corner to get away from one messed up clown guy and another crawled along the floor toward us. Jesus FUCK don’t crawl at me! Like, actually dragging his legs behind him. FUCK OFF. We got passed when he stopped crawling - he had a mask like half of Chris’, which made him less scary. In fact, if any of them had dressed as Slipknot, I’d have run TO them, not away from them. They got this all wrong if they want to make friends…if they don’t want to be friends, FUCK OFF.

We got round another corner, me still shaking my glowies like they’d do jack shit to help. They didn’t even illuminate anything. I lost two somewhere in the whole place. Eventually we got out. Baring in mind I am stiff as fuck from three days on my feet in desert heat, all that tension in my back from creeping and rushing around the house killed me. I thought I’d lost my shirt and asked a steward what to do. I WAS NOT GOING BACK FOR IT. It was on my shoulder all along. D'oh. I do not want to play in Clown’s Playhouse again. I will stick to Candy Crush.

Onto house two…which should have been the flashlight one (Prepare for Hell) but NO. So we skipped ahead to the third, Skin Ticket. The lady on the door (in full mask and coveralls) was lovely…she asked why we didn’t want to go into the blackened house and wasn’t a complete dick, or any kind of a dick at all, about us not wanting to go ahead. She tried a sales pitchy effort to get us in but didn’t make me feel ridiculous (I know I am) and let us go ahead. We got into the final house, which I think can only have been the most elaborate one - and did make me curious about the one we skipped - everything was decorated with fake entrails and blood and it was laid out like an actual house. We got through the first few corridors and rooms, with masked creepy people jumping out and screaming at us. One woman came from NOWHERE AND SCREAMED IN MY FACE. FUCK OFF!!! Shit. It was horrible. There were (fake) disembodied, severed human limbs (I know I keep clarifying fake but we know what Slipknot are like with real cow heads) laid up on work surfaces in the 'kitchen’, a head in the washing machine. Randomly scrawled words along walls in blood (I made out 'motherfucker’ but I’m not sure what else was there) until we got into this dark room with a seemingly empty table in the middle. It was too dark to even see what was on the table, if anything. As we walked around the TABLE OF HELL as it shall be known, a MOTHERFUCKING PERSON jumped out from under it. GLO-STICKS DO NOTHING.

We got out that room and then were immediately faced with a masked leatherface with a (silent) chainsaw. He asked (snarled) 'leaving so soon? Where are you going’ at the exact time we saw a red exit sign, thinking that was…the way to the…exit. We explained this to leatherface in quite a polite manner as we dodged his chainsaw, and he told us “that’s the wrong way…” YES RIGHT LIKE I TRUST YOU. We explained it said 'exit’ and to not confuse us. He said/snarled “that’s for me!” Oooooh…staff exit. Oops. Perhaps they should have disguised that to avoid confusing poor…me. We thanked leatherface for his help and continued to scurry away. He scurried after us. I thanked him again for his help and told him “you’re nicer than your reputation suggests!” That got rid of him. Manners go further than glo-sticks. I don’t know why I had in my head that THEY would be afraid of ME if I had glo-sticks… I am starting to see holes in my thinking.

We survived another ASSHOLE in a corner - we saw him ahead of time and I KNEW HE’D MOVE. Only he was stood by a dresser type thing and a woman CAME OUT OF IT. FUCK OFF!! It was around this point I lost some glo-sticks. We were chased/followed down the final corridor and out by a clown who wouldn’t go away! I wanted to hide from him but we just left instead. Only this time I had actually lost my shirt. I went to find the nice lady and she asked if I wanted to go through the house again with her to find it. NO. She went to get my shirt, I was so grateful, I hugged her when she brought it out to me. Haha! I am not afraid of masks, just don’t fucking make me jump.

We completed a survey and it asked for ways to improve so I wrote 'scare me less’. (I should have said disguise exit signs that aren’t public exits) I left in a jet lagged daze and found I had also lost my cigarettes somewhere in the maze of horribleness.Fuck that I wasn’t going back for them. Cigarettes are cheap here, so. We fled the scene and got in the Mustang and high-tailed over to San Francisco. I have had a lot of trouble with cigarettes on his trip. Good thing I am quitting when I get home.

* I drove over 100 miles in the Mustang today, before being tired got the better of me. We stopped for food at Jack in the Box and then I was relieved of driving duties, for a good nap in the backseat.

So for anyone with a shred more courage than me, the Scream Park was silly fun. For me, it was scary enough. But fun also. The staff were great fun, even the HORRIBLE ONES THAT NEED TO FUCK OFF. The make up and effects and costumes were excellent, and it was clearly a labour of love from the actors and people in charge. I am not entirely sure how much of a Slipknot influence there truly was, but it was good there was any at all.