Let me tell you a story about body dysmorphia and insecurity. On Friday, I verbally told myself to not spend money on jeans until I plateau. (Those of you that see my IG stories, probably saw my post.) I convinced myself to ride it out with leggings and oversized shirts at work (to cover my ass). Well the cold temperatures changed my mind when I went to my friend’s art show. Leggings WERE NOT gonna keep me warm. I went home and bought size 14 jeans online. Saturday morning, I woke up hella paranoid. What if I am not a size 14??? What if I wore my size 16 jeans one night and stretched them out because I am still big as fuck, and THAT’S why they are loose? What if the shorts that I bought in size 14 over the summer that I was using as my basis of measurement were cut weird? I freaked thee ENTIRE fuck out. I went to Target later in the day. I went for Funko Pops and a red and black flannel shirt. That’s it. As I walked by the jeans section in Women’s, I thought to myself I should grab a size 14 and try it on. I kept walking because I WAS NOT in the mood to cry in the fitting room. I grabbed what I came for, but walked back by the women’s section on my way out, and said, “Fuck it.” I grabbed a 14 and a 16 because reasons... I walked in the fitting room, sat down, and cried. I figured if I prepared and accepted the worst, it wouldn’t be so bad when they didn’t fit. WTF was wrong with me!? Why is it so hard to try on smaller jeans??? I decided to just do it. Of course I did 16 first. Too big. When I pulled up the 14s over my thighs, I said, “Oh Shit!!!” out loud. The chick that was working asked if I was okay. I just got quiet, because I still didn’t have them buttoned or zipped, so I didn’t want to be overly excited. I mean, clearly the photo is the spoiler. They fucking fit! I let out the deepest sigh, and immediately took a picture of my ass to send to my boyfriend... because I am basic 🤷🏽♀️, but then I cried, again. So yeah, I still mentally think I am the same girl that weighed 334lbs, because I haven’t changed as a person internally...or I should say mentally and it’s gonna take my brain some time to process, but we’ll get there
