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“I want to look back and say that I was alive. That I didn’t turn my back. That I tried. That I was happy.”

— Evelyn Waugh, Brideshead Revisited

“A soul mate is not the person who makes you the happiest, but the one that makes you feel the most. Who conducts your heart to bang the loudest, who can drag you giggling with forgiveness from the cellar they locked you in.”

— Sierra DeMulder, excerpt from “Unrequited Love Poem”

hey me.... I am a Quantity Surveyor! Finally! in 2025! This is a dream come true, i am so proud of myself.

One of the many things God has blessed me with, as a gay man, is the experience of being surrounded by gentle men. I can confess now that all my friends make me feel so safe, secured, comfortable and make me feel like myself in their company. Presence speaks so much volume to me, whether is it enough or i am still experiencing a void in me being in whatever environment. My aim is to teach how to be treated, especially with men around me.

I am such an incredible human being, my word! I love so much and when i care, i will devote myself to you, to experience me. My wish for me this year, is to just admit when I'm hurt, in pain or angry, to be 100% honest with me about my emotions, emotions that i thought were negative for me to experience since i am perceived ‘happy’. I am happy, yes, because i have God, i have a family, i have friends. I just want to find a consistent human being, who will not disappoint me, hurt me or lie to me, but where? Only God can never disappoint me, hurt me or lie to me, so Thando, just pray, okay? It will be alright. And now, the only person who i crave for to be consistent with, is me, to be honest. So today, i am pledging to make me proud, to not lie until i believe in that lie to me, to never disappoint me and to remain consistent in my decisions, for this will benefit me in the long run. God, bring me a ME into my life.

I realized that a lot of the connections i have had a very hard time forgetting, are practically the ones whereby the intention was set, a future of longevity within us was seen throughout the moments we had. Because the both of us had set an intention that our relationship will be the way we want and hope a healthy relationship should be, once that intention wasn’t true, oh boy how hard it is to let go, because we never reached the goal.

Today, on the 13th March, 2023, I AM CHANGING MY LIFE, FOR THE BETTER. I am going to try my very best to lean on God, to pray and talk to him about any thing and everything. I AM GOING TO START NOW, TODAY!

I am glad and grateful i had the best lifetime of my life in 2021, i still think about it today. I could say, it was a dream i wished for and it came true, a dream of mine to be loved for just who i am, to be cared for for just who i am and to be embraced for just who i am. To God, oh i thank you, you delivered people in my life who saw the great in me, who fed my soul, who valued and respected me so much. I am glad that, now, i get to tell the story, the dream i was living. I am glad that, in all that was happening, i had the time to do everything i wanted to do, i had the time to spend with the people i love so dearly. I miss those moments so much, its as if i could go back, but i have to be honest with myself, it was for a season. A season i believe was true, everything that happened was true, what it was supposed to be, what had God made it out to be. I wish for others to have experienced such, a warm, safe and loving environment of people who chose you for who you are. I am glad i did moments, i am glad i got to love so wholeheartedly, i am glad i used that year to learn, to love, to cherish each and every moment i spend with my friends. Yes, things have changed now, i miss everything so much, but i am glad I GOT THE CHANCE TO DO EVERYTHING that year. Thank you, God, for everything. I AM GLAD, I DID.

I chose people to be my own made family, forgetting that today, now, they are not as part of my life as i had imagined, and the people who are still here with me, i never chose them. I don’t regret though having done so, i was so happy and energized that i believed everything was gonna be forever, yes, everything and every moment was true.

I realized, some things, some people, some moments, will take time for me to let go, simply because they came at a time i needed them and they made me the happiest. I don’t blame myself for not forgetting and letting go fast, because it will take time. I just have to remember them, live with them in my memories that they happened, i met them, i had such privilege of certain things.

I think one of the hardest lessons i’ve learnt in my life, is that i can never fully satisfy someone to be 100% reliant on me in terms of how happy they are with me, and that i can never police the love i want. My addiction to control my own life’s story and a habit of forgetting people are themselves and not me, has led me to believe i can control everything and anyone who enters my life, how i want them to behave in order to fit my own narration of what a perfect life story should look like.

I really don’t wanna lie, doing good deeds for the people i love really makes me happy, i feel so good. I am genuinely a person who’s a cheerful giver, whether love or gifts or whatever, i just love giving the best version of me to someone that deserves to know my true self. I am an amazing friend, i’d say hahahaha...but honestly, i would actually wanna be my own friend. I sometimes get reminded i do live up to my name ‘Thando’. I am a supporting friend, an uplifting friend, a loving friend, a caring friend, a friend that shows investment and attention to the ones’ that matter the most in my life. I mean, i bet on my personality way more than how I look, because i do have a great personality. Being my friend means spending quality time, whether through deep conversation, meaningful ones, chilling, music or just whatever but genuine quality time, cause that’s when you’ll get full access to me, what i like, what i don’t like, who am i, what i stand up for, how i grew up, my past etc. Being my friend means being able to be ‘thoughtful’, to grow, to learn, to experience someone who’s got pure genuine intentions and that want’s to know the other person in ways the public doesn’t even have access to. It means trying out new things, adventure, laughter, sharing of thoughts and motivations. To love effortlessly and acceptance.

I used to fall for every heterosexual that was nice to me, who gave me the attention, who spent quality time with me, those who showed me their softest selves. I used to just believe back then they were in love with me just as i was, well, that’s what's true for me. I had not grown, learnt and experienced what it is to be participating in someone’s life as a mere friend or a brother. I just did not know that some people, especially the men that have presented themselves in my life and found no wrong in me being a homosexual were just kind and that’s just their presence, so welcoming. I did not know what brotherhood was, cause i had never experienced it, even with my own brother. Could it be the environment i had grown up in that clouded my judgement? A part of it is I'd say. Oh, i am so grateful to be accepted by my male friends as me, to be taken in and experience a brotherhood with these individuals, it makes me feel so good and happy, i just cannot cry out anymore of the gratitude i have in me about this.

I come from a broken family, a family that does not know how to love effortlessly, to care for another being effortlessly, to take accountability, respect and honesty, not to forget acceptance. It was in me to not be like that, to not live a life that is exactly like the environment i grew up in, without love, kindness, honesty, respect and acceptance. But my friends then made me realize, i can love so dearly, i can care for someone so dearly and i can be myself and still get love and be appreciated for the humble soul that i am. Friendship helped me to grow mentally and emotionally, and i finally realized that the environment i had been in for so many years in pain, i am capable of turning it around. Friendship revealed to me i can open up about the things that trouble my soul and still get through them, i can be the best version of myself to someone and get the reciprocation back.

#friendshp

I manifested the friendship i have always wanted, a friendship full of love, honesty, respect and intimacy. The Universe blessed me with a great gift that i am now still thankful for. I experienced such a great friendship with my beloveds, i got to be accepted for who i am, got to be vulnerable and still feel no less about me, got to be inspired to be better not for them, but for myself. I got to get such great friends that i always felt safe around them, my presence for them was just enough. I could go on about the friends i have and how amazing they are, but truly to say, i just cannot imagine my life story’s future chapters without them.

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Someone somewhere is searching for you in every person they meet.

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