[slowlyimploding]

Rebuild

Maybe bruises are like temporary  roadmaps To all of the places we’ve been; They are ghost towns that disappear into time. We know they were there, We’ve seen them with our own eyes But sometimes you can’t rely on memory And you have to dig up the foundations; Prove that they were there and rebuild.

[slowlyimploding]

Drowning

I don't know how to concentrate I think I've forgotten how to breathe I am swallowing air like water Drowning in a desert Believe me when I say I don't know how to do this I can't remember what it's like To take a breath without thinking I can't remember what it's like To not feel like my chest Is being slowly squeezed From the inside out. I walk, I talk, I make-believe That I am a whole person That I know what I am doing That I can handle this All of this, and more. I can't, I can't, I can't I'm drowning, I know you can't see it But please believe me This time.

[slowlyimploding]

Death or Something Different

Sometimes I'm okay Sometimes I can live Within myself just fine But mostly I feel like I'd be better off dead

No, maybe not dead So much as...not here Dead leaves too much behind Leaves a trail of lives Of hurt and confusion. I want to pop out of existence To be blank To not even be a memory To not ever have experienced anything To not know I could ever  Want to die in the first place.

[slowlyimploding]

Self Worth

Not good enough It's a thought that comes to mind Every day I'm breathing And yes it's cliché I know But there's a reason Cliché get stuck in your head Like the echoing of insults That have no rhythm or rhyme But are somehow catchy enough to stay with you for years.

My body isn't what I'd like it to be And I've mostly learned to be okay With feeling uncomfortable In my own skin, most of the time Sometimes, I can forget it Forget the chorus of voices In the back of my mind Telling me I need to be better In order to be worth anything at all I know that's not true But it's hard to drown out the music When you're front row at the concert.

One day I'll learn new songs New choruses of I'm good enough, I'm good enough I cover my ears and try not to hear But I still hum along to the old song Because I know the tune so well Because it's easier to keep singing along To a terrible song  Than it is to learn a new one altogether.  

[slowlyimploding]

Last Name

Sometimes I feel like I have half a name Like I want to tear my last name out of my own head And forget that's ever who I was. But it's harder than you think Separating yourself from something That's been a part of you since before you were born. Instead I try to make it my own To say it outloud until it loses meaning Look at it upside down so it's foreign to me again Like learning a new language I will learn how to say my name Without shame, without guilt, without remembering Everything that comes with it It will mean something new Something better.

[slowlyimploding]

Seams

The edge of a blade on my throat I feel like I am breathing underwater Heavy, unnatural, drowning. I wonder what it’s like to not feel afraid I wonder what it’s like to not fray apart My seams like loose stitches In poorly made clothing I pull that clothing over myself And hope it stays together this time While I pull at the seams, Tug at loose threads And cannot leave well enough alone.

[slowlyimploding]

Sheep's Clothing

I am not a wolf in sheep's clothing Just a sheep with bloody hands Who figured out how To kill the wolf But could never quite Stomach becoming The beast itself.

[slowlyimploding]

Nourishment

You were young when you learned That the things you bite Get caught in your teeth And will stay there Under your gums And you will be in pain Throbbing and constant And no one will help you Because you did this to yourself You couldn't accept what You had been given You shouldn't have bitten The hand that fed you But good god did it Taste better Than the gravel in your bowl That they called nourishment.  

[slowlyimploding]

Less Than Whole

You learn to love the void inside you Like it was always supposed to be there Like it was made just for you Fits perfectly in your chest, in your head Covers up the things that used to fit there The things you used to remember loving Don't have the same pull  As the black hole that is inside you now You no longer know what it's like To not feel like something is missing Being less than whole feels  Like the only thing you were ever Supposed to be good at.

[slowlyimploding]

Monster

I have this thing Curled up in my chest Making a mess of my insides Strangling my heart and lungs Bending my spine At all the wrong angles I don't know how to Make it go away. I've learned to swallow Around my closing throat To breath with lungs That no longer want air I've learned that there is A monster living inside me But it doesn't want to escape It's already found it's home Burrowed deep into my body And it's not going anywhere I've gotten used to Living with it But that doesn't mean It's not killing me.

[slowlyimploding]

Somewhere

Somewhere out there There is a sky so big That you can't help But feel small You will stretch your hands As wide as they can go And still not even grasp Any part of it Significant enough to make a difference

Somewhere there are trees Endless miles of dark forest Of sun dappled mossy forest floor Of wild streams and murky ponds Either too dark or too cold For you to want to swim in You'll leave them to their Coldness, their darkness And move onwards

Somewhere out there Is land so flat You could walk across it With your eyes closed And still reach the other side Unscathed, but somewhere other Than where you intended to be You will travel across this Endless flatness Feeling the mountains in your veins That you wish you could place here But you never learned How to build mountains Only how to climb them.

[slowlyimploding]

We Slept There

We slept here On the ashes and bones Of a past not yet forgotten We dug our hands into the mess of it Smeared the grime onto our faces Like we could camouflage ourselves Cover ourselves in the past And never leave

We slept there For longer than we should have Unwilling to let go To move on to more fitting beds Unwilling to stop painting ourselves In the colourless debris Hoping we could fade back into it Hoping we could revive it Hoping we could unburn the bridges

We woke there Forgetting too slowly But finally forgetting What it felt like to be grey Realizing that bones Make for uncomfortable pillows And that you can't Make blankets of ashes.

[slowlyimploding]

Bird Bones

I am a bird, built from the bones of a girl

Muscle, skin, sinew Twisted into a form with wings A form that flutters and pecks But cannot fly.

I am a bird, flightless.

I am too heavy for the sky And Believe me when I say That flying is harder when your feet Have never learned to leave the ground

I am a girl, built from the bones of a bird

Too fragile to fly And too afraid of the open sky Too afraid of feeling free To realize I still have wings Somewhere inside.

[slowlyimploding]

Inconsequential

The stars are silent in the sky tonight. Surrounded by the void of the unknown blackness between them. How many lives are there, how many worlds yet explored? But do they matter, does anything matter? You are a small thing in a universe so vast that it sees you are inconsequential as unable to comprehend its vastness. You are not part of the stars but you can still see them, as uncomprehending as you are of the void of space of the distance you will never travel, of the utter lack of anything out there. The lights dance in the sky above your head and you pretend that they are stars, you pretend you are not overwhelmed by the vastness of it all not trembling and the unknown stretched out above you so beyond your scope of understanding that you don't even know what you don't know. How could you?

Dreams are small, and you can only live in them for so long before the world pulls you back in. don't believe everything you hear about their meanings, sometimes they mean just what you think, sometimes it's much much worse than you think. What are you missing? What do you know? What do you need to know? Are you still dreaming? How are you supposed to tell the difference when everything is so ridiculously irrational and unbelievable. Each breathe in is a continuation of a process that should not have happened if not for some fluke of nature and the void of the universe. The stars are bright, too bright, but you still keep your head down and pretend they are not there, not burning down on your back like they want to destroy you like an ant under a magnifying glass. You are not an ant you think, you are much more important than that you think, you think this, but it is not true. You think this and it helps. It helps the unbelievable terror you feel when you look at the sky, it's better, you think, to live life in ignorance of the stars of the void between them. You think this, but it is not true.

[slowlyimploding]

Still

If I lie still enough Sometimes my fear can't find me Like a predator only attracted to movement It circles me, waiting to sink its claws in I've escaped it so many times With only scars to prove it was real The monster in the dark doesn't exist Or so I've been told But this monster hunts in broad daylight When I should feel the most safe If I run, find a dark place and hide Sometimes it can't find me But sometimes it beats down the door Turns on the light And swallows me whole.

[slowlyimploding]

Letting Go

I don't know how To turn off my brain I live in the spaces Between your heart and mine

Letting go is harder If you can't remember What you were trying To forget

Are we sinking ships On on an ocean that Has dried into sand? Are we holding on When even if we let go We can't drown?

Letting go is harder If you can't remember That you ever wanted To forget

We are the ghosts That have haunted these halls stirring up dust And walking through the walls. If we can't leave now, Please tell me when we can go?

Letting go is harder If you've decided You don't want to Forget.

[slowlyimploding]

Jump

I'm on the edge of the world Willing myself not to jump I don't know what's on the otherside But I can't help wondering If somehow it's better than this

I'm holding my breathe The wind rushing past me I spread my arms out Like wings at my side And wonder what it's like to fly

I can't remember what Flying feels like But I remember freedom Stretched out like The endless sky

I was young once When unhappy was something I never knew how to be Now I wish I could remember How to be like that again. 

I'm on the edge of the world Closing my eyes for the jump Believing the other side Of the world Has to be better than this.