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everything comes to you in divine timing; be patient and remain grateful for all you’ve received. focus on developing a connection to and with your higher self; embody them as often as you can in your daily life. the life you desire is already yours, take inspired action in order to live it. your soul family is calling you in; open your mind and your heart to new possibilities.
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Yes, we’re still on the same subject
A random thought came into my head tonight that answered a huge and lingering question that I’ve been having and that is “Why haven’t I let him go yet?”
I’ve literally been trying to figure this out for the past month and it’s not the fact that I’ll be alone cause if there’s anything I know how to do, it’s that. I realized I haven’t let him go yet is cause I’m afraid I won’t find another person who has the same connection and similarities and likes I have. Do I think I can find someone who will put me first and treat me better overall?...most definitely. But that doesn’t mean I’ll have the same feelings and connection with that person. I’m 31 now and have lived a good amount of life so I’ve had my fair share of guys and I know it sounds stupid and idiotic but it was just different this time and I don’t think I’ve had this feeling of mutuality with another guy. Everyday I’m getting better and slowly accepting the reality that we will just be friends but it’s hard when we’re pretty much always together. It’s as if we’re in a relationship without actually being in a relationship. We go to the gym together, play volleyball, facetime each other to watch tv/movies/volleyball games til late night, send each other random things, and still flirt with one another too. I know I’m playing with fire and I’m not helping myself by continuing any of this. I’m not as anxiety ridden as I was before which I’m super thankful for. Now I just find myself being sad and wishing there was something more even though I have told myself constantly that we can’t be together, at least for now. But yeah, it just comes down to feeling like I wont find what I had with him with someone else. Now I know it won’t be the exact same thing with another guy but I do really like what me and him had. At some point i’ll be able to let go of that too. This sounds dramatic but I just don’t want to die alone. I’m not greedy or try to think I deserve things that much but I feel like if there’s one thing I deserve, it’s to be with someone. As I know, that might be too much to ask for right now. So I decided to work really hard at the gym and be stricter on my diet and just be sexy af. Cause what else do gay men do to suppress how they feel and make themselves feel better. I have to remember that I am a lot better than before, that it is a process to go through it all, and to just be patient and gracious with myself. Trying to put a smile on everyday...
Just Keep Breathing
Lately I’ve been trying to focus on my breath and trying to make myself busy so I can focus on the task at hand. When I keep myself occupied and busy, it’s definitely a lot easier to not think about him or over analyze scenarios in my head. So I try to stay as busy as I can. At the end of it all, I do have a lot more to work on myself. I have come a long way since my college days and am a lot more confident but there’s a lot more internal things that I need to address and take care of. I definitely have MAJOR trust issues and I don’t really know how to reconcile or fix that but I am aware that that it is a big thing I need to tackle. I also always thought I was ready for a relationship but with this recent one, I don’t actually think I am. I don’t know if it’s more due part to the other person but I have anxious attachment issues and I don’t like it. To not feel complete or be ok with myself when I’m not with the other person is a terrible feeling. Yes although it wasn’t the best being single, I was pretty content with being to myself most of the time. I’m slowly starting to get that independence back and it does feel good when I feel like I can stand on my own two feet.
One of the greatest things that has come out from this break up is that I’ve gotten a lot closer with my cousins and family. I don’t know how but i’ve been around them more recently and it’s been the best feeling. I’ve really taken my family for granted. After hearing so many stories about my friends having their family issues with cousins and parents, I really lucked out with having parents who are still married and all of my cousins getting along so well. I know not everybody has that privilege of going to a family party and not feeling awkward or feeling like you’re being judged. I’m very lucky when it comes to that with my fam.
I really have to learn to let go of him. And in every sense of the word. I have to stop holding onto the hope that he’ll message me and try to reconcile things. Or holding on to the hope that he’ll tell me everything that’s been going on and it’ll make me feel better, cause it probably won’t. I hate having this anxious feeling of wondering what he’s doing cause I shouldn’t care at this point. I shouldn’t let someone have this much of an effect and hold on me and I can’t figure out why. That’s probably the most frustrating part is cause this isn’t the first time this has happened and I thought I would know better and be better. I definitely am holding on tight to something that is just cutting and biting me the more I hold onto it. But how do I let go? What does that look like? I feel like I sort of am....that’s a lie cause I know there’s certain things I should stop doing so I don’t get triggered by things. I think I should delete social media. That shit can really fuck you up in so many ways. It can bring friends together and have some positives but social media can really tear a person into pieces and I feel like it is consuming me a bit so either I need to back off of it more or just delete it completely for a while.
I just miss.........me. The happy go lucky thankful for everything in the world kind of me. The hopeful that there’s always something better. I’ll get back to that Patrick at some point. A better and smarter version as well. Until then i’ll just keep breathing....
Rollercoasters, Confidence, and Remember Who You Are and Where You Came From
I think it’s crazy the emotional rollercoaster a break up can put you through. It’s not even a daily thing but your mood or the ideas in your head can change by the minute or the hour. In the morning you can feel great and feel on top of the world and then you can be triggered by something and everything just crumbles apart. The amount of twists and turns you endure is absolute madness. The worst part of it all is it just feels like it’s never ending. I will say that there a lot more highs than lows and when I do get anxious and feels like things are going out of control, it usually subsides in 15 mins. This is all just really hard and the only way to get passed it is to just be patient with time and ride the waves instead of pushing them aside.
In reality, I don’t hate you. I actually love you very much. I’m in love with you but also I have love and care about you. But I also love and respect myself to know that I deserve better. I will take the blame for not putting more boundaries for myself or letting slide a lot of the things that would make me feel some type of way. All of this just really sucks. You mean a lot to me, probably more than I’d like to admit. It’s only been three days but it honestly feels like forever. I know I need time away to heal and really be ok with us being friends. At the end of the day, that is what I really want. I want us to be a dominant volleyball pair when the Summer comes. I want us to be in each other lives and be there for each other through the good and bad times. That’s what I want for us. I want to see you grow into the person I think you could be. I have the highest hopes and believe in you so much. But I have to take care of myself first.
At the gym today I had a random burst of confidence and just thought about all of the things I have accomplished and how I have so much more ahead of me. I’m going to brag about myself super hard right now but I’m allowed to do that cause it’s my Tumblr. If there’s one thing I have learned about myself, that’s if there is something that I really want, I do everything and anything I can to achieve or make it happen:
1. I used to be 250 pounds and all I wanted was to have a nice body with a six pack now I’m in the best shape of my life at 180 pounds
2. I became a Dance major without having any former ballet or modern training and became one of the top male dancers in the program where my Senior year I was in every dance in the Final Showcase except one cause it was the only all girls dance
3. I graduated College and booked my very first audition. The next gig I booked was with Royal Caribbean for Mamma Mia the Musical where I got to travel Europe and the Caribbean for two years
4. I moved out to LA without really knowing anybody and stayed there for a year. Working 6 days a week and sometimes working 16 hour days. I put myself out there and made friends and did my best to survive
5. I worked at a Summer camp for 4 years and learned I am great with kids. I help them feel safe and they know they have someone that cares for them with their parents being so far away. I was a supervisor where I took care of 12 counselors who I helped find themselves and be more confident in who they are. I’m good at finding the potential in people and helping them become the best version of themselves.
6. I’ve played volleyball for 16 years of my life and it’s one of my best abilities and I’m still improving every year. I even got my first Assistant Coaching job for a D3 college
All in all I’m a super talented individual with so many skill sets. And that’s cause I pride myself in having an unbelievable work ethic. I like a challenge and I do not like giving up. It’s how I became the person I am today. I have to remind myself that I have so much to offer. And yes, a lot of shitty things have happened to me and I should be a bitter and cold bitch, but for some reason I’m not. That probably has to do with the fact that I believe in God and I want to do good in the world. You may not believe in him but there are so many amazing things that have happened in my life, to call it a coincidence just wouldn’t justify them. It’s so easy to close myself off and not want to try anymore or just disappear from the world. But something always draws me to people and help them.
I wonder if you and I will be able to be friends again. Or will my love for you be so much that we won’t be able to? Won’t get to know that answer til later but I’m hoping and I want to get there. Just hoping you won’t forget me and if you do then so be it, wasn’t meant to be. Wow, this was long but feels good to get the thoughts out of my head onto here.
Lying and Being Replaced
My number one pet peeve is being lied to. It absolutely makes my blood boil and really makes me go ballistic. I understand that sometimes lying in certain situations is necessary but not when you’re being sneaky and covering up something. If there’s one thing I learned, it’s that one way or another, the truth always comes out. All I asked was honesty from you. After everything we’ve been through and that I’ve done for you, I asked you to be truthful and you couldn’t even do that. Most of the time I couldn’t even get a thank you or some kind of appreciation and I’ve gotten so accustomed to it that I just accepted that it was part of us. But I deserve better and for you to say I’m not used to someone having to hear it is madness. It just basic human decency when somebody does something for you, the least you can say is thank you. But I knew that you were talking to another guy in depth and you brushed it off like it was nothing and that it was all him. I already knew and saw the conversations you had with him and I gave you multiple chances to say the truth but you just kept adding to the lies. So I just told you I knew and you knew at that moment, you got caught and you fucked up. It just makes me feel really used and like I didn’t matter. That everything I’ve done up until this point meant nothing to you. That I didn’t build enough of a foundation for you to be transparent.
It felt like I was getting replaced by another person. The fact that he was the same age as me and that he plays volleyball too. Not to mention he hooked up with the a guy I was talking to previously. You don’t understand how worthless I feel that you would do that. And have it look like you have no remorse cause in your eyes you’re just talking and it’s nothing romantic. I get that and all but I asked you, “Do you say good night or anything to him?” And you say “Not really, maybe once but no.” I literally saw you text him, “Good night papa, hope you have a good sleep.” Come one now, you really tried to make me out to look dumb. I hate to sound petty but I’ve done so much for you and was still doing so much stuff for you after we broke up. It’s just so crazy that you reaped so many benefits from our relationship and I absolutely got nothing out of it other than having someone to hangout with and not feeling alone.
This makes me question everything I do and if what I do matters. It makes me want to close off myself and my heart from everything and just be so bitter and cold. I’m really trying to be ok with everything and I hate that I’m so empatheic and understanding cause I don’t know whether to be mad, upset, and sad about it, or try to understand where you’re coming from. But you were in the wrong this time and I didn’t deserve what you did at all. If you were to reach out and fix things, you will know that I know my worth and what I deserve and if you can’t give it then we can go our own separate ways. If you can’t say a simple thank you or say hey Pat, I appreciate everything you do, then by all means please get out of my life cause I dont need that.
Love is Weird, Who Invented Heartbreak, and Forgiveness Is the Final Chapter
I don’t know if anybody who follows me is actually active on this so I think it’s safe to type this out and let it out on here:
I learned a big lesson about LOVE recently and that there is no rule or playbook on how or when you love someone. Feelings are feelings and there’s no way you can control them. I do think you need a couple months to really sift through the puppy love and infatuation but once you get past that stage and can look at someone and still get those butterflies, then you probably have something real. When I wasn’t for a relationship a friend would be in and they said they loved that person I would ask, “Can you give me three things that they do for you?” And sometimes they would say no, and I’d say then you’re not in love. I will be the first to admit when I’m wrong, and I was wrong about this. You can be in love with someone that doesn’t reciprocate things back. Now does that mean it’s healthy, I don’t really know. But everybody gives and receives love in different ways. I’ve come to realize that some people have never received the kind of love you’ve been given so sometimes when you give that to someone else, it’s so foreign to them that they don’t know how to take it. Love comes in all shapes, sizes, and ages and how you feel about someone is your business. Love isn’t what they show you in movies or tv shows. And it isn’t always black and white, there’s so much of a grey area that it’s hard to navigate through it a lot of the time. It is such a wonderful experience to feel love and it really is hard to explain into words the joy you feel inside. But how quickly that joy can turn into such sadness.
However our bodies have interpreted the feeling of HEARTBREAK is fucked up. Like our minds and hearts really go, “Ready to feel the worst pain you can feel and there’s nothing you can do it about it? No, well here you go anyway.” Your insides feeling all twisted and turned and your heart going a million miles per hour makes you think you are actually sick. On top of that, you have no idea when it’s going to stop. And guess what? When it does stop, it comes back later sometimes even worst than the first time. I would much rather go through physical pain cause then I know how to heal it and that the pain is tolerable, at least for me. Heartbreak can lead you to do some crazy things and act on impulse cause you just want to feel good about something. However you deal with it and no matter what you do, at the end of the day, the only way it’ll heal and get better is time. Worst answer and remedy ever, but it is really the only way you’ll get to the other side.
I think FORGIVENESS is a really big part of the process as well. Not only forgiving the person or situation, but most importantly forgiving yourself. There’s so many times I will question and blame myself for giving my all and wishing I just held back a little. But my friends tell me that I wouldn’t be Patrick if I didn’t love the way I do and that somewhat warms my heart a bit. I have a big heart and I wear it on my sleeve, and it gets me in this position of getting hurt badly. It’s easy to get bitter and resent myself for being like that but then I get reminded of all the good that has brought to my friends as well. This is going to take time to accept and be able to forgive this person but I hope I get there. But once I do get to this point, then I can really move on.
I’m not mad at the way things ended. But I’m definitely hurt and confused as to why they happened the way they did. It’s easy to feel like I wasn’t enough or the things never amounted to what I thought you wanted. I wonder sometimes what the other person has that I don’t but I have to realize that it also probably has nothing to do with me. Honestly I wish you the best on your journey of finding yourself and what you want. I know you have a lot of things deep down you need to work on and believe it or not I know you better than you think I do. I’m thankful for the great times we had though. But I can’t keep on holding onto the hope that you’ll be the person you say you want to be or doing the things you’d follow through with. Cause at this point, it’s just an endless road of disappointment. It’s all just crazy...the rollercoaster of falling in love, breaking up, and learning to forgive. But what else would make life worth living and exciting?
Learn to put on your bracelets and zip up your dresses by yourself. There will be times when you will be alone. Get on a long plane ride. Look out the window. Understand the immensity of our world. Understand your insignificance. Understand your absolute importance. Press the send button. If you don’t say it now, you never will. Do not sneer at happiness or roll your eyes at sadness. Be aware that apathy is not healthy. You are more than the amount of people who want to have sex with you. That pit in your stomach when he doesn’t text you back, it shouldn’t be there. No one should be able to control you like that. Shopping is cathartic. Buy the shoes and deal with one-ply toilet paper for a while. It will get better, but it will never be perfect. Learn to live through the small moments of happiness. When they disappear, remember they will resurface. I promise that cookie will not change anything (except that it will make you smile). Please, please, take care of yourself. You are everything to somebody. You are everything to your self. That alone is enough.
things to remember (via bl-ossomed)
I’ve survived a lot of things, and I’ll probably survive this.
I repost this every time it comes up on my dash. Because I need this reminder several times a day. (via amandaq62)
Harry Potter Illustration Series - Created by Dan Elijah Fajardo
These designs are available for sale as shirts, cases, and more at his TeePublic Shop. Through December 1, use the code Pixalry25 at checkout to get 25% off your order.
