lux or luxie. she/her. twenty-three years old. tlou obsessed. the virgin suicides. narcos. sofia coppola. bisexual. lace. introverted. blood orange. scorpio. lana del rey. feminism. trinket stores. candles. the moon. crystals. amethyst. smokey quartz. cats. movie/ music lover. joel miller. pedro pascal. jim hopper. daddy issues (is it that obvious). pink lipgloss. old man enthusiast. british soaps. family. single. pro shipper. steve harrington. cat mommy. pierced baddiee.
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đâšIâm your puppet, you control me (joel miller x afab!reader)
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Iâm on the last few chapters of heir of fire and I canât understand how people like chaol. like i can half understand how people would feel a little sorry for him, but people who are die hard chaol fans are so weird to me. like the way he treated aelin, his absolute disgust toward her being fae was so awful. the fact he wouldnât even touch her when he found out. and his role in nehemias death? yeah, fuck no
Iâm on the last few chapters of heir of fire and I canât understand how people like chaol. like i can half understand how people would feel a little sorry for him, but people who are die hard chaol fans are so weird to me. like the way he treated aelin, his absolute disgust toward her being fae was so awful. the fact he wouldnât even touch her when he found out. and his role in nehemias death? yeah, fuck no
the issue with growing up in the 2000s and 2010s was like there was this really big push toward "accepting your weirdness" overall but they meant like idk wearing mismatched socks or something not being tangibly beyond the norm in any way shape or form
tags: joel miller x afab reader, extremely dark content, rape (not by joel), cnc (kinda?), non consent to dubious consent, post apocalyptic, age gap (50s/20s), yes the title is a tyler the creator song, mention of rape in memory, previous kidnapping by david (similar to what happened with ellie minus the rape, reader was only just rescued by joel, handjob orgasm, crying and comfort.
summary: after a traumatic rape before joel rescued you from your kidnapper, you take back the control you didnât have in those moment, with joel as your chosen âvictimâ.
wc: 1.7k
âHe raped me.â
The words rang through Joelâs head ever since last week when heâd come to your rescue from David and his awful, cannibal clan. It was the first thing youâd told him when he found you stumbling out of the burning cabin in the snow, covered in blood that wasnât yours.
Heâd never forgive himself for letting them get their hands on you.
He wasnât meant to get this close to you. You were just cargo from Marlene. Someone to tag along and deliver to the fireflies, if youâd ever find them, of course.
But then heâd found himself protecting you. Worrying when you strayed off on your own, despite the fact you were a 23 year old woman and very capable of taking care of yourself.
He felt.. fatherly to you. And that hurt. It hurt because he already has a little girl. Well â had.
If he hadnât been so stupid and let himself get shot, none of this would have happened. You wouldnât have had to go out hunting, and you wouldnât have been deceived by Davidâs lie about the antibiotics he had, They wouldnât have taken you, traumatised and raped you.
He felt cold to the bone as he tried to get to sleep on the hard floor of the old supermarket you were both camping out in for the night, and it had nothing to do with the winter weather.
Joel awoke abruptly when a he felt the weight of another person on top of him. Straddling his hips.
He hadnât remembered falling asleep. The last thing he remembers from before he did was having his eyes fixed on you. You had your back facing him and with the way he could hear you breathing, he knew you were feigning sleep.
His instincts immediately kick in and he shot right up in a seating position. Well, tried to. This person had a good hold on him and was doing a good job at keeping him pinned down. Lying down.
He managed to look up at the face of this person through his struggling beneath them.
It was you.
âBaby, what â what are you doinâ?â Joel asks in panic, completely shaken at the urgency in your face. The moon seeping through the windows casted enough light on your face for him to see the desperation etched into your features.
âPlease,â you beg, your hands darting down to his belt and beginning to undo it. This immediately sets Joel into a panic, his hands fumbling with trying to remove yours from the area.
What were you doing? Where was this coming from? He didnât want this. But as much as he had the ability to flip you over right now and get you off him â despite his still healing gun wound â he didnât. How could he hurt you?
âPlease what? Stop with my belt, kid. I donât know what you want. Are you sick?â He demands, still keeping his voice low and as soft as he could. But that confusion and fear still seeped through.
âNo,â there were tears spilling down your face now, your lip trembling as you fought the sobs that were undoubtedly begging to be let free.
You practically rip his belt from the loop in his trousers and tear down the zipper of his jeans, only a thin layer of underwear separating you from his cock.
But it wasnât really his cock that you were craving.
No, it was something else. It was control. You wanted to feel like you were in control. Like you had the power. You wanted to feel his fear, despite it being Joel. Despite him being completely undeserving of this. You werenât sure anyone was deserving of this.
âHey, stop.â Joelâs voice cuts through your thoughts. It was firm yet still had an underlying tone of softness. You didnât want that. You wanted him to be scared. âWhatâs wrong sweetheart? Talk to me.â
His voice is so fucking sweet. So understanding and open. You hated him for it.
âNo! No, thatâs not how itâs meant to be!â You exclaim, loud enough that Joel winces at the threat that the loud noise could pose. âYouâre meant to be scared of â of me. Like I was of him, you.. you need to be scared of me.â
The utter need in you voice cracked something in Joelâs chest. He understood now. At least, he thinks he does.
He understands your need for power. Lord knows heâs felt the same thing, particularly after Sarahâs death. But he should put a stop to this. It wasnât right, he couldnât go along with it. He didnât want to go along with it. But that would mean hurting you. And he wasnât sure he had it in him to cause you any more humiliation or pain.
âI need it. Need to be the one hurting you. Please, Joel.â You took the stillness of him beneath you as your chance to quickly tug his underwear out of the way, pulling his cock free from his pants. He was soft, not even half hard yet still heavy in your palm.
âI know you do, but â fuck,â he hisses when you wrap your hand around him and squeeze hard enough to hurt. âPlease donât do this, sweetheart. I know youâre hurtinâ and weâre gonna get through it, but this isnât the right way to go about it.â
And thereâs genuine begging in his tone now. It brings a disgusting sense of pride swirling around your chest. That you were the one hurting him. You stare back at his face, his eyes watering and wide, his lips trembling slightly as he grappled with what words to say to convince you not to do this.
His face blends with Davidâs, the man that raped you. In your haze of panic and anger, you see Joelâs nose and mouth twist into those of Davidâs. Except now, Davidâs face is twisted in pain. Not yours and not Joelâs.
But despite all of that, despite the terror and wrongness Joel felt, he couldnât help himself from twitching in your palm, from the blood rushing to his cock as he suddenly started to grow hard. It was just a reaction, that was all. It didnât mean he was actually enjoying this.. right?
You angle a string of spit to fall from your lips and land on his dark pink tip and you use your hand to massage it in. You begin pumping him fast, roughly, watching Joelâs face twist in a mix of pain and something else.
A low moan escapes Joelâs parted lips and his head thumps back against the ground. You werenât sure what he was feeling. Whether that moan was good or bad. You werenât even sure which one you wanted it to be.
âPlease stop..â Joel pleas quietly, his voice cracking and ashamed. âDonât.. donât want it.â And he didnât want it. Did he? He wasnât sure whether he was just telling you what you wanted to hear.
âToo bad. Youâre a disgusting, old man. Youâre practically begging to be treated like one.â You voice was cold yet it still shook as you spoke those words. Because you knew they were the words David spoke to you. Just changed around a little to fit Joel. Or David. You werenât sure whether you were still pretending Joel was David.
âI.. you donât know what this does to me, baby girl. Youâre breakinâ my heart.â And you were â breaking his heart. He hated seeing you like this. You shouldnât have to feel this way.
For a split second, you feel your composure â this persona slip. You feel a flicker of guilt and disgust with yourself. How could you keep doing this to him? This wasnât the answer, this wasnât.. right.
But you just couldnât pull your hand away.
You begin to stroke Joelâs cock faster, tugging him roughly and expectantly. You needed him to cum, you just needed it over with. That was what David did with you and although you werenât actually able to orgasm, you faked it enough for it to be believable and to his satisfaction.
But with Joel, you could already feel him twitching in your hand, his cock head pulsing and throbbing from your touch. You keep telling yourself itâs just a reaction, but with the noises Joelâs making, despite how much his expression tells you he hates it, you know that physically he is enjoying it.
âYou did this to me,â you sob through clenched teeth, your face a mess of tears. âIf youâd have just protected yourself instead of me, you wouldnât have gotten shot in the first place. This.. this is y-your fault. You ruined me.â You voice cracks on the last word and Joelâs eyes meet yours, utter pain meeting you back. It devastated you completely.
And just then, joel climaxed in your hand, his cum coating your palm. You look between Joelâs face and your hand. There was a lot of cum, likely because of how long itâs been since anything sexual has happened for him. You were in a damn apocalypse after all.
You meet his eyes once again, and you see the complete humiliation and shame in his features. But thereâs a look of relief there.
You didnât allow yourself to dwell on that look for too long.
Once his dick is finished spurting the creamy liquid, you find yourself stunned, clarity hitting you and the realisation of what youâd just done setting in.
âIâ god, Iâm..â you stumble, your tongue feeling too large for your mouth. But Joelâs hands are there, wrapping around you as he sits up and scoots himself and you back until his back is against a wall. He pulls you down into his chest,
âHey â I know, I know. Shhh,â you comforts, his voice still raspy and off kilter.
âIâm sorry, fuck, Iâm sorry.â You sob softly, resting your cheek against his flannel clad heartbeat, your body shaking slightly.
What had you become?
thank you for reading this fic. this topic is something very personal for me and related to some past struggles. I would like to specify though that I have never done anything that the reader has done, like forcing myself on someone, but I have dealt with sexual assault trauma in the past before and I have a deep interest in exploring ways people cope with such things. This is a way I have explored it in a fictional, non existent world and I hope that for anyone who has experienced trauma like this, that you can relate to this on some level. If you are dealing with any of these struggles right now, I urge you to reach out to someone you love or a professional. This is not something to go through alone.
okay so this will primarily be me fangirling, but one thing i have always loved about you as a writer is that this blog has aways been a place where fantasies can be explored, often fantasies that stem from trauma that often goes unrepresented or unspoken of. it is truly so admirable how you always manage to write pieces that articulate thoughts and fantasies that exist because of difficult situations and dynamics and make it into something comforting and meaningful through your fics.
i am forever in awe of you and your work to put it simply.
thank you so much liana, this means the world. Despite hate Iâve gotten in the past for my more taboo writing, the few people like you out there who understand why I write these things really make the hate so much more endurable. Trauma can mess with your brain so much, especially sexual trauma and itâs so important to have a space to explore those fantasies caused by it in a safe, fictional way. Iâm so glad to be a comfort to some of those unfortunate enough to have gone through something similar to the reader in this, and even the people who havenât been through something like this. Thank you so much for the support my love.
tags: joel miller x afab reader, extremely dark content, rape (not by joel), cnc (kinda?), non consent to dubious consent, post apocalyptic, age gap (50s/20s), yes the title is a tyler the creator song, mention of rape in memory, previous kidnapping by david (similar to what happened with ellie minus the rape, reader was only just rescued by joel, handjob orgasm, crying and comfort.
summary: after a traumatic rape before joel rescued you from your kidnapper, you take back the control you didnât have in those moment, with joel as your chosen âvictimâ.
wc: 1.7k
âHe raped me.â
The words rang through Joelâs head ever since last week when heâd come to your rescue from David and his awful, cannibal clan. It was the first thing youâd told him when he found you stumbling out of the burning cabin in the snow, covered in blood that wasnât yours.
Heâd never forgive himself for letting them get their hands on you.
He wasnât meant to get this close to you. You were just cargo from Marlene. Someone to tag along and deliver to the fireflies, if youâd ever find them, of course.
But then heâd found himself protecting you. Worrying when you strayed off on your own, despite the fact you were a 23 year old woman and very capable of taking care of yourself.
He felt.. fatherly to you. And that hurt. It hurt because he already has a little girl. Well â had.
If he hadnât been so stupid and let himself get shot, none of this would have happened. You wouldnât have had to go out hunting, and you wouldnât have been deceived by Davidâs lie about the antibiotics he had, They wouldnât have taken you, traumatised and raped you.
He felt cold to the bone as he tried to get to sleep on the hard floor of the old supermarket you were both camping out in for the night, and it had nothing to do with the winter weather.
Joel awoke abruptly when a he felt the weight of another person on top of him. Straddling his hips.
He hadnât remembered falling asleep. The last thing he remembers from before he did was having his eyes fixed on you. You had your back facing him and with the way he could hear you breathing, he knew you were feigning sleep.
His instincts immediately kick in and he shot right up in a seating position. Well, tried to. This person had a good hold on him and was doing a good job at keeping him pinned down. Lying down.
He managed to look up at the face of this person through his struggling beneath them.
It was you.
âBaby, what â what are you doinâ?â Joel asks in panic, completely shaken at the urgency in your face. The moon seeping through the windows casted enough light on your face for him to see the desperation etched into your features.
âPlease,â you beg, your hands darting down to his belt and beginning to undo it. This immediately sets Joel into a panic, his hands fumbling with trying to remove yours from the area.
What were you doing? Where was this coming from? He didnât want this. But as much as he had the ability to flip you over right now and get you off him â despite his still healing gun wound â he didnât. How could he hurt you?
âPlease what? Stop with my belt, kid. I donât know what you want. Are you sick?â He demands, still keeping his voice low and as soft as he could. But that confusion and fear still seeped through.
âNo,â there were tears spilling down your face now, your lip trembling as you fought the sobs that were undoubtedly begging to be let free.
You practically rip his belt from the loop in his trousers and tear down the zipper of his jeans, only a thin layer of underwear separating you from his cock.
But it wasnât really his cock that you were craving.
No, it was something else. It was control. You wanted to feel like you were in control. Like you had the power. You wanted to feel his fear, despite it being Joel. Despite him being completely undeserving of this. You werenât sure anyone was deserving of this.
âHey, stop.â Joelâs voice cuts through your thoughts. It was firm yet still had an underlying tone of softness. You didnât want that. You wanted him to be scared. âWhatâs wrong sweetheart? Talk to me.â
His voice is so fucking sweet. So understanding and open. You hated him for it.
âNo! No, thatâs not how itâs meant to be!â You exclaim, loud enough that Joel winces at the threat that the loud noise could pose. âYouâre meant to be scared of â of me. Like I was of him, you.. you need to be scared of me.â
The utter need in you voice cracked something in Joelâs chest. He understood now. At least, he thinks he does.
He understands your need for power. Lord knows heâs felt the same thing, particularly after Sarahâs death. But he should put a stop to this. It wasnât right, he couldnât go along with it. He didnât want to go along with it. But that would mean hurting you. And he wasnât sure he had it in him to cause you any more humiliation or pain.
âI need it. Need to be the one hurting you. Please, Joel.â You took the stillness of him beneath you as your chance to quickly tug his underwear out of the way, pulling his cock free from his pants. He was soft, not even half hard yet still heavy in your palm.
âI know you do, but â fuck,â he hisses when you wrap your hand around him and squeeze hard enough to hurt. âPlease donât do this, sweetheart. I know youâre hurtinâ and weâre gonna get through it, but this isnât the right way to go about it.â
And thereâs genuine begging in his tone now. It brings a disgusting sense of pride swirling around your chest. That you were the one hurting him. You stare back at his face, his eyes watering and wide, his lips trembling slightly as he grappled with what words to say to convince you not to do this.
His face blends with Davidâs, the man that raped you. In your haze of panic and anger, you see Joelâs nose and mouth twist into those of Davidâs. Except now, Davidâs face is twisted in pain. Not yours and not Joelâs.
But despite all of that, despite the terror and wrongness Joel felt, he couldnât help himself from twitching in your palm, from the blood rushing to his cock as he suddenly started to grow hard. It was just a reaction, that was all. It didnât mean he was actually enjoying this.. right?
You angle a string of spit to fall from your lips and land on his dark pink tip and you use your hand to massage it in. You begin pumping him fast, roughly, watching Joelâs face twist in a mix of pain and something else.
A low moan escapes Joelâs parted lips and his head thumps back against the ground. You werenât sure what he was feeling. Whether that moan was good or bad. You werenât even sure which one you wanted it to be.
âPlease stop..â Joel pleas quietly, his voice cracking and ashamed. âDonât.. donât want it.â And he didnât want it. Did he? He wasnât sure whether he was just telling you what you wanted to hear.
âToo bad. Youâre a disgusting, old man. Youâre practically begging to be treated like one.â You voice was cold yet it still shook as you spoke those words. Because you knew they were the words David spoke to you. Just changed around a little to fit Joel. Or David. You werenât sure whether you were still pretending Joel was David.
âI.. you donât know what this does to me, baby girl. Youâre breakinâ my heart.â And you were â breaking his heart. He hated seeing you like this. You shouldnât have to feel this way.
For a split second, you feel your composure â this persona slip. You feel a flicker of guilt and disgust with yourself. How could you keep doing this to him? This wasnât the answer, this wasnât.. right.
But you just couldnât pull your hand away.
You begin to stroke Joelâs cock faster, tugging him roughly and expectantly. You needed him to cum, you just needed it over with. That was what David did with you and although you werenât actually able to orgasm, you faked it enough for it to be believable and to his satisfaction.
But with Joel, you could already feel him twitching in your hand, his cock head pulsing and throbbing from your touch. You keep telling yourself itâs just a reaction, but with the noises Joelâs making, despite how much his expression tells you he hates it, you know that physically he is enjoying it.
âYou did this to me,â you sob through clenched teeth, your face a mess of tears. âIf youâd have just protected yourself instead of me, you wouldnât have gotten shot in the first place. This.. this is y-your fault. You ruined me.â You voice cracks on the last word and Joelâs eyes meet yours, utter pain meeting you back. It devastated you completely.
And just then, joel climaxed in your hand, his cum coating your palm. You look between Joelâs face and your hand. There was a lot of cum, likely because of how long itâs been since anything sexual has happened for him. You were in a damn apocalypse after all.
You meet his eyes once again, and you see the complete humiliation and shame in his features. But thereâs a look of relief there.
You didnât allow yourself to dwell on that look for too long.
Once his dick is finished spurting the creamy liquid, you find yourself stunned, clarity hitting you and the realisation of what youâd just done setting in.
âIâ god, Iâm..â you stumble, your tongue feeling too large for your mouth. But Joelâs hands are there, wrapping around you as he sits up and scoots himself and you back until his back is against a wall. He pulls you down into his chest,
âHey â I know, I know. Shhh,â you comforts, his voice still raspy and off kilter.
âIâm sorry, fuck, Iâm sorry.â You sob softly, resting your cheek against his flannel clad heartbeat, your body shaking slightly.
What had you become?
thank you for reading this fic. this topic is something very personal for me and related to some past struggles. I would like to specify though that I have never done anything that the reader has done, like forcing myself on someone, but I have dealt with sexual assault trauma in the past before and I have a deep interest in exploring ways people cope with such things. This is a way I have explored it in a fictional, non existent world and I hope that for anyone who has experienced trauma like this, that you can relate to this on some level. If you are dealing with any of these struggles right now, I urge you to reach out to someone you love or a professional. This is not something to go through alone.
