Small Puppy Adventures

Small Puppy is almost full-fledged Doggo.

[smallpuppy]

Three posts in one night. I must be spiraling, haha. No title this time as I'm also tired.

Regarding my mental health, it has taken a huge toll on me. People don't really discuss the PTSD that the remaining fire survivors have and we are left to silently suffer because we didn't have it "as bad" and we all "at least still have homes." I still evacuated through the burning flames and harsh smoke, I still shook hard as I attempted to stay calm and maintain composure, I still cried and fought my way through to find out anything I could just like everyone else.

But it's awful. My survivor's guilt is intense. My extended family hasn't checked on me or replied back to me, whether they were fire victims or not. For example, I've actually been forgotten in the first and only family fire call I joined where we were all in a Zoom meeting together. We were called on one by one to discuss how we were feeling and what we needed a prayer for, and I was completely skipped and they just rapidly jumped into prayer before I could speak up. I gave up on calls after that, and they haven't asked where I was.

My neighborhood went from crumbled debris piles to excavators shaking the earth every morning at 7am to flattened dirt plots. Every day a new For Sale sign pops up. Three properties on my street alone sold, and I'll never see those neighbors again. Altadena not for sale, we say. But many are still selling, they have no choice. My days at home are now filled with the sounds of continued excavation in the distance, and my nights are filled with growing darkness, coyote packs yelping, owls hooting, air purifiers running 24/7 in every room.

Staying at my in-laws—both sister and parents—was awful for my mental health. For some reason, my coping mechanism turned to cleaning everything which was in my favor for cleaning the entire house, haha. But I ended up getting extremely anxious and icked out at my in-laws homes. They're not exactly the cleanest groups, and I was faced with daily black mold, rats and rat fences, trash, old food, clogged plumbing, and so much more. I cleaned what I could for them quietly and even got my cousin involved in extermination attempts via Daniel (to make it seem like he was proactive in something), but I couldn't keep up. I had to go. I needed to leave. I unfortunately can't bring myself to set foot in their homes again due to the filth, though I am grateful they took us in during our time of need.

I've also become numb to so much. I am no longer mourning the loss of our town, I am just existing. I work each day, I come home and do chores. Things in the news no longer shock me. I don't cry for things that are sad anymore. I feel empathy and sympathy still, but the words that come out of my mouth are routine comfort.

-----

My thoughts keep going back to my friend. "I can be here to keep the silence away whenever you need me."

I appreciate him. I appreciate this. I smile so much when he's around. He might be my path to healing, but I don't know how. I don't want to rely on him though, he's got his own life to worry about, his own future to think about for he is still so young.

[smallpuppy]

Worthy

My friend that I had visited last April for the eclipse came for another visit and insisted we have dinner with our group of mutual friends. He insisted we carpool together and I of course was more than happy to do so as I had missed him so much. During evacuation he had kept me sane with weekly discord calls with his group of friends as we played video games and chatted, but nothing beats being face-to-face with a loved one. At the dinner, he announced out of the blue that he had moved back permanently the day before. I almost burst into tears when he said that. He had visited so many times and every time he did we had our usual carpools and hours-long chats in front of his family home before separating for the early morning. This time was no different; we finished our group dinner, went for a dessert afterwards, and he and I remained together sitting in my car for a few more hours as we talked into the early morning about his plans back here at home.

Ever since then, we've been seeing each other nearly every week or chatting on discord, sometimes several times a week. He even came up to the house to see what I had done and was astounded at everything I had done alone. He's been over several times now to have dinner and play video games together. He told me that I am an incredibly strong woman for all the things I have endured these past few months mentally. He knows the issues with Daniel and said he needs to step it up because how can a man be so lucky and almost lose it due to laziness, due to not seeing? I had even cried to him a few times about how I felt I was unworthy of love because my own husband didn't bother, didn't try, and this house, this home! Honoring the place I was raised and guarding the neighborhood, this was all I had left to keep me from falling into a deeper depression. I am low, but I am not under. I am fighting to stay afloat. Then in what sounded almost like a confession, he told me directly that he's so happy that I am in his life, I'm one of his best friends, and that he cares deeply for me. I told him the same. He truly does bring me joy. I felt lighter. Is this love I'm feeling again? It's....a different kind of love. A love where I want to be with him all the time, but not intimately or romantically. Someone I have exchanged secrets with, someone who likes coordinating outfits with me, someone who willingly wants to spend time with me, just purchased a Disney annual pass with me to go to the parks with after work and on free days, someone who introduced me to his separate close circle of friends (and I've truly enjoyed their company!), someone who wants to travel with me and be there for me when he can, and I want to be there for him, too. I finally feel worthy to someone. I'm finally wanted.

[smallpuppy]

Altadena Fire Pt. 6: Isolation

I've been living by myself since March. I lived temporarily with my in-laws starting on January 29th, but things turned for the worst on my mental health (and some physical health unrelated to fire issues) and my cats mental health, so I moved in temporarily with my mom mid-remodeling of her home after deep-cleaning the den so the cats could stay at the house, then moved in full-time to my house some time in early March. I did all the remaining house remediation alone, refusing to consider professional cleaning services after learning so many people were getting ripped off by the costs and dealing with workers who half-assed the process. I'm so glad I attended that class in January. I purchased a brand new HEPA vacuum, more of the cleaning chemicals and tools, and went to work all by myself on the entire house. I worked on the house every single day, disposing of unsalvageable furniture, replacing said furniture, using the extractor on what I could save, applying for grants and federal funds, multiple trips to the laundromat, talking with contractors on deep cleaning the HVAC and replacing the insulation, powerwashing the house exterior juggling driving Daniel to and from work from his parents' house, getting back into working my own jobs, sniffing around to see where that one sooty smell is still coming from, and taking care of the cats. No time for myself. None of my friends offered to help clean despite them knowing I was now home and cleaning, and I didn't want to ask them to help if they didn't offer. My mom was too busy dealing with house remodeling and helping our older family to come up. Daniel...Daniel? Where was he? Oh, playing online games again, as usual. I didn't have the mental energy to tell him what to do, but he also didn't bother to volunteer to come up and help me on weekends or after work at least on Fridays. He would tell his friends and coworkers and family that it's "our" house that survived, but I was the one who was doing it all.

A couple weeks after I moved in to the house full-time, Daniel's job announced that he had to come in to the office every day, so no more hybrid work. This meant that I would either have to chauffer him to and from work every day and risk exhaustion from my own jobs + continuous cleaning and usual chores, or just....not do so. Daniel still doesn't drive on his own (I'm not sure if I explained it before, but he doesn't. He can, but won't, previously saw therapy for it but stopped and hasn't continued) and I didn't want to make my mental health worse, so I told him I'd still chauffer him Mondays and Fridays, but every other day he's got to find his own way. Then weekends. What would he do? Would he want to come see me, help out, spend time with me? Would he ask me to go someplace with him to get away from it all for a few hours? Oh. No. He hasn't asked to spend any time with me and instead would be playing games online with his friends. How convenient that the latest Monster Hunter came out during this time, too.

I was alone. Why does this happen? Why is every relationship I'm in end up with me not being good enough to want to fight for despite me trying? I asked Daniel if I was worth anything to him, to want to help me, to want to spend time with me. Didn't he want to live back at the house with me? Didn't he want to sleep by me every night? Didn't he want to be back in a clean house with his wife? Or am I just not worthy of this, worthy of trying to drive again to take care of himself so I could work on what needs to be done instead of caring for, well, everything? I have cried so many times these past few months. I have cried over my isolation, with only one neighbor to keep me company as our street has been wiped. I have cried over Daniel not even asking HOW I am doing, asking if I need assistance with things. I have cried over my friends not offering to help in any way they can. I have cried over no one truly seeing what I was going through aside from my own mother, no one caring about my mental health. I now that fear if I had lost my home, I would have lost myself and everyone would have abandoned me.

Except...one person didn't abandon me, and I cried my first happy tears.

[smallpuppy]

Altadena Fire Pt. 5

Electricity and internet has come back to my house, the water is flowing but is still incredibly unsafe. I go to the house every day and greet it, walk through every room with gratitude, wishing I could stay inside all day. I can't wait to live in it even if it means going to the gym or my mom's house down the street to take a full shower every day. On Thursday Jan 30th I attended a how-to cleaning class and received items from them that professionals used. I only asked for enough for one room, then den. I felt that if I could clean the den on my own enough, then I could bring the cats back safely and start on the rest of the house. On Sunday Feb 2nd I cleaned the den with the equipment and chemicals I received. Once again, I feel beyond thankful that so little soot and damage was done to the house compared to what's around me. Just by sweeping the soot by the door alone made the room smell so much cleaner, though there are still VOCs in the air inside that I can smell. I'm awaiting approval on products to deal with that. We may still hire professional cleaning services that will be covered partially by insurance, but I'd have to let them know that we cannot use ozone cleaning machines as those will require the windows to be open after use for up to 45 minutes which kind of defeats the purpose when the entire outside is toxic. I'm also going to just do all the laundry at a laundromat myself over the course of several days. I've already bagged up Daniel's clothing, so now I just need to work on mine and all the bedding. Honestly, I'm feeling that unless we were to move out completely from the area, we'd be unsafe everywhere below the mountains. So many areas in Los Angeles are still teeming with ash and soot floating in the air. We could easily afford a huge house with a low mortgage like Daniel has always wanted up in Lancaster/Palmdale, but he refuses to move anywhere else that is away from his parents and more than 30 minutes driving distance from his job despite working from home most days of the week. So, if I'm stuck here I have to make the most of it even at the cost of my health. But I'll do what I can to stay clean and safe.

[smallpuppy]

Altadena Fire Pt 4

I attended every virtual meeting, every day. Forgive me if everything below now seems scattered as time seems to have jumped all of a sudden.

Most days were the same. "There is a curfew from 6pm to 6am." "Check the recovery website for your home's official status. It is being updated daily." "Here are the locations for any help you need." For those of us who had intact houses, all we wanted to know was when could we go home? How safe or how dangerous is the area? How much testing needs to be done, or can be done? Every day went by so slowly. ----- I holed myself up in the room with the cats at Selly's until we left on January 19th, where I secured us an Airbnb that was granted to us for free by the company. The house was full of people at this point just being there for the sake of being there, but I couldn't bring myself to talk to my in-laws about what was happening, because they hadn't experienced any of what we went through, hadn't felt or known anyone who went through such immense loss of their livelihood or community. There were no ties for them to feel any sort of pain. Even Daniel was not happy with my isolation. I tried to explain that nearly everything I had known, so much of my childhood, had gone up in flames. The one place in my family in the town that remained I'm not even allowed to live in for the time being. The sheer amount of guilt I feel for even having a place I could someday go back to while my other relatives don't is beyond frustrating. Daniel took all the important items with him, but he doesn't have sentimental items at the house. I have special childhood items that my mom gave to me, gifts given to me by friends I finally made, clothes with special meanings. His family doesn't have much sentimentality or consider items of the past precious, and much of what he has is still at his parent's house under their care. He didn't even take his wedding ring which I saved up hard to purchase for him. ----- January 29th, we left the Airbnb and by this time we were able to go back to the neighborhoods at first with ID verification of being a resident, but then soon after anyone was able to proceed, as long as curfew was still abided by. I applied to FEMA, got inspections done, applied to the Red Cross, and received some funding so I can replace what I toss. We moved back in with my parent in-laws and each day I have been preoccupying myself with deep-cleaning the room we're staying in, going up to the house and trying to clean, chatting with my mom about services we need to hire for cleaning the house...clean, clean, clean. I must clean everything. I spoke with a therapist about this, and she said that cleaning so much is probably my way of dealing with the situation at hand. To make myself and others feel safe, to be safe.

[smallpuppy]

Altadena Fire Pt 3

Sherry texted me two photos on Wednesday at 2:49pm. One was of her neighbor Neal's property to the north, or what was left of it: stairs, a chimney, the front door concrete frame. The second was of her house and my house, grass still intact, front yards still with greenery. There was clear fire behind the houses and we couldn't tell if they were in our yards or in the houses behind us, but it was a temporary relief to see our houses standing. "Maria on the southwest corner said her house was burned." So that's 2 houses so far that confirmed burned on our street.

She texted me again at 7:59pm: "As of 4:30pm your house was standing - the deck was on fire - 2 guys were getting water from our pool and putting it out. Holly was able to get there for a few minutes." Whoever those two men are that helped, I am beyond grateful. I wish I could find their identities and thank them. Just putting out that fire in our backyard saved our house. I told Sherry I would make an attempt to go to the houses the following day since others managed to make it to take full photo assessment of the front and back of both properties. ----- Thursday at 11:15am, Daniel's coworker gave us a video call. "You guys are sooooo lucky." The call was spotty and lagged, but the image was clear enough: our property was 100% intact. Part of Sherry's property was damaged, but only in the back; her ADU where her daughter lived was burned but only on the exterior from what I could see, furniture, plants. The dividing wooden fence between our yards was completely burned but only up to the point where it aligned with my house, and if the wooden fence was actually installed into the ground things could have been a lot worse....the stone wall prevented rapid spread onto our land. The fence that fell was burned most likely landed on my lawn furniture that was donated to me by one of my friends and that's what started the fire there. I decided it was time for me to travel back home to see what I could in person. I arrived around 3:40pm and yes indeed, my house, Sherry's house, and the house to the south of me were all intact.

I checked Sherry's backyard first and took photos. her ADU where her daughter lived was only a barebones structure, and inside was nothing but ashes. Her front house was pristine. My house, garage, and shed were intact if not smelling a bit like char, but not on fire. I could see evidence of where the two men had put out the fire between our homes on the fence as well as our driveway gate that had charring on it and half collapsed, but clearly was extinguished.

The other houses surrounding us on all sides were not even remotely lucky. Aside from my neighbor at the south and his neighbor east of him, the houses behind myself and Sherry didn't make it. None of the other houses on our side of the street made it. Across the street, none. We certainly had gotten so lucky. ----- I went inside my house and photographed every room at the advice of friends. Things smelled like smoke, soot had made it through the door cracks and left piles (and now I know why the house got cold so quickly in the winter), and grabbed a few more things with me. Our Switches. More cat food. The Bible my Mima gave me when I was 7. Extra toiletries. Shorts for Daniel. Extra underwear and socks and shirts for us. One more sweater for me. An air purifier for my mom. The air purifier for my mom was most important as she has asthma and is staying in an AirBnB in Pasadena. She was staying there since Christmas due to construction on her house and refused to evacuate. She was worried sick about the status of her house, so I went to check. Still intact, or as intact as a house under construction could be. The entire neighborhood was safe, really. With my mother now at ease and myself at ease for the most part and a long drive back to Selly's, I chatted with my friends on Discord to keep me sane for the 2 hours drive and then I finally got a full night's sleep. But we're not out of the clear yet. There were going to be virtual meetings to attend on Friday.

[smallpuppy]

Altadena Fire Pt 2

We could hardly sleep as the smoke was getting heavier by my in-laws home. At 7am on Wednesday morning my in-laws woke up and we had a discussion and made some calls. First Robert, my husband Daniel's older brother. He offered his place, but I declined as I have cats that are my first priority. Robert's wife is not fond of animals and claims deathly allergies. I'd rather not put anyone at risk. "Selly will let us stay with her," my husband then said referring to his sister that he called afterwards. "What about your parents? Are they coming, too?" My mother-in-law refused. She was not going to leave unless she was forced. So that was that. We left shortly after 8am, with me asking if we could please stop for food and extra cat supplies. I had to leave my hatchback behind since my husband is unable to make the long drive on his own, so we packed everything into the SUV. I ran into the first PetSmart that opened at 9am on our way to Selly's and grabbed a litter box + litter + scoop, and cat harnesses. When I left the store we got in line for food at a fast-food place. At 9:21am my Aunt Gerri called. "Are you home?" "No Auntie, I have evacuated and am currently an hour away. What's going on, are you safe?" "I'm safe here with Barbara and Tim and Jonathan at the convention center, but I was told my house was burned down, Barbara's house was burned down, Naomi's house was burned down, Emery's house burned down..."

I tried not to swear on the phone. My heart dropped. I immediately called my mom and told her what happened. Four family homes, gone in an instant. Aunt Gerri's loss then had me lose hope that my house was standing. Her house was a 2 minute walk from mine, a stone's throw. And further west, at that. My house would have been eradicated by the flames for sure. I mourned in my heart and tried to stay calm. I had already shaken my nerves solid while evacuating, but they were trying to break free. I must stay calm, I must stay calm. I could not scream or cry, but I ended up crying quietly on the drive to Selly's. I loudly cried hunched over the edge of the bed with Daniel comforting me. I cried for the losses of my family, and cried as I learned more of the losses of my friends. William. Renee. Kareem. Patrick. Charles. The Nuños. More and more heartache. And many were unable to see the destruction for themselves. Those who stayed in Altadena tried their best to take photos and videos of specific streets and addresses. People on the Facebook groups asked about their addresses and general streets, asked about the homes of known names. I couldn't bring myself to do it. Until I received a text from my neighbor, Sherry.

[smallpuppy]

Altadena Fire Pt 1

I was told we should all make diaries on the fire for record-keeping, so here we go. The Santa Ana winds blew like usual on Tuesday as they do nearly every year. Being a lifelong resident of the area, these levels of winds are normal and expected. At 7:37am my mom said she had read that Southern California Edison would be turning off all the power, but I hadn't received any notice on that at all. My power remained on and I went on with my day.

Around 6:15pm, a couple near Eaton Canyon spotted a spark from a power line start a bush fire. They called Southern California Edison and the fire department, but the winds were too strong and moved the flames too fast. I saw the flames in the distance as I was driving on Lake Avenue that evening at 6:41pm. I snapped a photo and showed it to my family, and went back home. This was taken on the street right above the restaurant Everest, on the corner of Mendocino St. and Lake Ave.

At home, my husband was worried sick about having to evacuate as we could already smell some of the smoke. I assured him to stay calm and for us to start packing to-go bags. Clothes, toiletries, cat food and carriers, the binder with our documents and insurance, my camera bag with lenses, batteries, and SD cards, all my external hard drives, my laptop, my husband's work laptop and computer tower. I went to bed early around 10pm, somehow knowing in my heart I'd need...a nap. At 3:01am husband and I both woke to the smell of smoke being incredibly close and heavy. We hadn't received an evacuation notice yet, but we both decided that it was time. We grabbed our things and at 3:15am our phones blared to leave immediately. Pack the cats first into their carriers. Add any last-minute extras you can think of. Emergency cash binder. My mom's and elderly uncle's documents that my mom handed to me for safe keeping while construction is being done on her home. House keys, don't forget the house keys. Now....carry everything out. The wind was strong, our eyes and throats were burning from ash raining down on us, but we got everything settled in minutes. We packed both of my cars and I had my husband drive the SUV while I drove the hatchback. All the other cars on our street were also lighting up and leaving. We made way to his parent's house just below the 210 freeway in Pasadena. While technically closer to the fire, the flames were not moving south and there were no evacuation orders. Power was out, but we were safe. I put the cats in a bedroom to be separated from the family dog, found a large blanket, and my husband and I attempted to sleep on the sofa together wondering what our next steps would be.

[smallpuppy]

House

HOUSE We are IN. A. HOUSE. Granted it's a family house my mom inherited, but it's a house I grew up in, one I'm familiar with from every crack to every creak. It's a house I got to help make updates to, choose furniture for, organized and decorated. A house I feel completely safe in, in a neighborhood that has changed but I love regardless, in an area where I can enjoy listening to songbirds & roosters in the morning, and owls & coyotes at night. I'm so stoked.

[smallpuppy]

Coma

While I was staying with my friend mentioned in the previous posts back in April, there was one moment where there wasn't a smile to be had. My ex's sister messaged me. The ex who had been to jail, the ex who emotionally manipulated me, the ex who made me feel more worthless than I already felt, yet I stayed until I was broken into nothingness. The one who called me last September with delusions of his future, but finally an apology. She said he was in a coma from an accident: He was riding his bike without a helmet, hit a curb hard, and landed on his head so horribly that he needed emergency surgery and he was left in a coma. She messaged me because she remembered that I was one of the people who was close to him before and she felt that I should know. I just genuinely don't know how to feel. I mean, I never would have thought a coma would be what would bring him to a halt, and from what I could tell he was genuinely trying to get his life around, as off-track as it was.

His sister said by the time she contacted me he had already been out for a week, and the doctors said that the longer he stays in a coma the worse he will get.

I asked other friends, should I visit? Should I say something? Most said no, don't worry about it, that part of your life is over. But he was a friend first, a troubled friend who needed someone to care for him, even if he didn't care back. He was someone I still loved, and when you love someone, they stay with you even if there's no communication. I never did visit, I never even asked what hospital he was at and I left it at that and thanked his sister for letting me know, but I couldn't help but wonder often if he was okay.

Today, his most recent ex Tia messaged me. She asked if I knew the news, and I said yes I had heard about the accident. Turns out, he's still in a coma, over two months later. Her mom has been visiting him to check on his status once in a while as he's back at either his mom or his dad's house, just laying in bed and getting a bit of basic daily care. He will open his eyes sometimes, but he won't respond. But he's still in there, somewhere.

-----

Sometimes I wonder, is he willingly staying in a coma so he doesn't have to come back to reality? Is he afraid? Is he happier in the state of mind he's in? Does he know?

[smallpuppy]

Vacation

After staying with my friend for 5 days, I felt an unbearable sadness when I left.

I felt this same sadness when I left my friend out in Massachusetts, and I felt it when my closest friend left to live up north.

I felt comforted when he hugged me when I realized I had forgotten a crucial part to my camera setup and cried, and I felt peace when we laid down on the blanket together and stared at the darkened sky. I felt relaxed enough to cry in front of him as I looked up to see something I waited my whole life to see.

He felt excitement to wear matching shirts with me, and joy to show me all the new things he's curated for me to see and experience. He felt relieved to see me eat foods I'd never eat on a normal basis, and genuinely enjoy it all. He invited me back to stay with him again until he moves back home, hopefully later this year or early next year.

The entire trip was full of smiles and joking and planning our separate futures. Planning his upcoming trips back home to visit: four times in the next 5 months, with the first being only in a couple of weeks to surprise our friend group at an improv showcase. Him exclaiming out loud to me that we are best friends indeed, and me hugging him in gratitude. It's been so hard for me to make friends, and it's interesting that I'm having an easier time as an adult than I did before I turned 18.

-----

Again, he said it.

"Daniel's a lucky man."

I'm glad you think so, my friend. :)

[smallpuppy]

Realization

My friend and I chatted in the car for three more hours into the early morning the day before he left for his new home out of state.

We had just spent the entire afternoon and evening with our group of friends wandering the city as if we were all carefree teenagers again, though none of us knew one another as teenagers, laughing and memeing with each other. We ended the night chatting in a parking lot rooftop, then carpooled home our separate ways, leaving myself and my young friend alone together once again as I drove him to his family's home. He had spoken several times recently about trying to date someone else which I was happy for. He had never dated before, and he thought that being in his mid-20s he was long overdue for a girlfriend. His choice of words were interesting to me in what he was looking for: "I want someone who is pure." "She should be very modest, you know?" Normally I'd have seen red flags about a guy using this language when it comes to women, but he was extremely respectful of every woman he interacted with, he never said anything demeaning about women, and despite him giving me that look before, that look never had any sexual connotation behind it. As we sat there in the car, I asked him, not for the first time, if he was ace. I remember asking him a couple years ago during a gaming session if he was and he vehemently denied it, but this time he was more curious about the meaning of the word and explained asexuality to him, and he agreed that it described him. "I think people think I'm gay because I've never like, done anything with a woman, you know? No kisses or anything beyond that, but I also don't ever think about sex. Sex has literally never crossed my mind as something I'd enjoy." "But you'd like romance someday, at least?" I asked. "Absolutely, I'd love to spend my life with someone, but I don't want to have to feel like I need to do...that."

I eventually revealed to him that I was polyamorous and what that entailed despite not currently practicing and how it affected me in the past and currently. My friend said he had a feeling something was different about me, though he couldn't explain what and feels like he understands me a lot more than he thought originally and is glad I shared that with him.

And in exchange for me telling him something only a handful of people know, he told me something only his mom, dad, and sister know: his middle name.

I'll be staying with him for a few days (by his suggestion!) in April and I couldn't be happier to see him again so soon, and I feel even better knowing that I'll be staying with someone who I feel 100% safe with, and that he can also feel 100% safe with me.

[smallpuppy]

Silence

A friend took me to dance for 8 hours.

It was a Future Funk themed night with 16 DJs playing two at a time, and I knew some of the named players so I agreed to go, only to instantly regret it. I'm not usually someone who goes out with a bunch of strangers, but my friend was insistent on taking me because she knows I like the genre.

We arrived early for prime parking and everyone there seemed to keep to themselves. Not sure if this is due to covid making everyone awkward, or if Future Funk and Vaporwave music just attracts a certain type of personality, but it made me feel safe that I wasn't going to be approached by anyone randomly.

The first two DJs started their sets, and then everyone just danced.

This was my first time at any sort of dance venue, so I stood there weirdly at first wondering what to do. I watched my friend start dancing her heart out, so I followed suit.

The music was excellent, my feet hurt, my whole body hurt, but it was a good hurt. I sang along with the crowd to songs I knew, I got complimented on my outfit, I cheered at the visuals on the screen, and everyone was just having a blast.

Close to the end of the night, my friend split off to see separate DJs and the one I watched slowed down her set towards the end, and my heart almost exploded from the emotion I felt.

Vaporwave and Future Funk music can represent nostalgia, an idealized version of the past, and this one song hit me with both. The mix by the DJ is unfortunately not online, but I knew the song it sampled: the piano melody of the second half of the song Tender Love by Force M.D.s. I hadn't heard the song in many, many years as radios had stopped playing it, but as soon as I heard the melody slowed and slightly reverbed, I stopped.

Everyone stopped.

We all just stood there watching the DJ, watching the visuals glide on the screen, and my mind was flooded with so many positive memories of the past. I felt myself tear up and just let it fall silently down my cheeks.

I'm fr crying in the club lmao

But i get it now.

[smallpuppy]

He said I was beautiful.

We spent the entire day together. Then my friend took me to a house he will be inheriting one day from his grandmother, but he had full access. It's a 5min drive away from the house I will be moving into someday, so we will be neighbors in the future, something I eagerly look forward to. He's going on a sort of "farewell tour" with all those he considers a close friend since he is moving to Texas later this month for a stepping stone in his career (with plans to move back ASAP), and I felt oddly honored that he thought of me as such. I mean, I guess chatting on discord voice while playing video games on the Switch Online service for 9 hours at a time must count for something friendship-wise, and him always choosing to carpool with me must have been another clue. I was never good at making friends growing up, so it just hits me by surprise every time.

We made banana bread together as he wanted a recipe from each of his friends. He wrote down the recipe and each step he had to take and was so proud of the list he was building. There was some alcohol in the fridge that one of his other friends left, and since he doesn't drink I took it instead.

He asked me what it was like to feel drunk or tipsy, and I said that the feeling of drunkenness in the mind makes one feel bolder to say the things they normally wouldn't, maybe due to societal or social pressure. "That's why a lot of people suddenly get racist while drunk," I laughed.

We chatted more as we waited for the bread to bake.

Then the conversation came about age and how he thought of the friend group I'm part of as his older family and I reminded him that I was 35, a whole ten years older than he was. He was flabbergasted.

"Ten years? You act like...like my age!!"

"You act more like my age," I scoffed back.

"But your energy, the way you just are, I don't see you the same as everyone else. Like you got it together but at the same time you're just so vibrant."

I beamed, yeah. If no one can pinpoint my age then I must be doing something right with my skincare routine.

But then I saw a look in his eyes appear, a specific look. A look I've seen in men before but I chose to ignore it. Maybe my one can of alcohol was impairing me.

-----

The next day we carpooled together to hang out with the group downtown. When I drove him back home to his parent's place he suggested we sit in the car and just chat together in front of the house, something I hadn't done with anyone in a long time and I welcomed it.

There it was again, that look. He leaned back in the seat and placed his arms above his head.

We got on the conversation of dating, and how he's trying to date this one person he met through another mutual group but it's hard for him to figure out what to say as he has only gone on one date with her, his first date ever, and he wants to take her on another. He also asked about how my husband and I met and how lucky he is to be with me.

"Why would you say he's lucky?"

He stared me straight in the eyes.

"Legit, any guy in the group would be crawling for the chance to be with you. Even...Just the way you are, you're...you're beautiful."

Ah, that look has words attached with it now.

We chatted for two more hours.

-----

My husband still isn't ready for me to date anyone else yet, not that I have inquired about anyone in specific as I haven't fallen for anyone. Only four other people know I'm polyamorous, though one is still trying to get the concept wrapped around his head. This friend isn't one of them and I know for sure he wouldn't be down to be in such a situation, and I respect that. But in another timeline, another series of events, maybe I wouldn't have minded being the older woman in a relationship as his eyes said more than just those two words ever could.

[smallpuppy]

Delusions

I had 3 hours to kill, and I thought this was an important call. It was a verified number, and not flagged as spam like they usually are. Maybe it was the bride or groom calling to tell me more instructions of the reception location and parking, maybe it was their family member assisting us, maybe it was the life insurance company calling me back. Ah, it was my ex. He had a new phone number. I should have hung up, but I listened to what he had to say and it was honestly almost laughable. First, he actually apologized for how he treated me. That was a shock. Then he proceeded to neg on me, telling me that my photographs should look like the work of a specific painter. That he definitely saw the work I did while dating (he in fact, did not pay attention to it and brushed it off like an annoyance) and I should be ashamed for not believing him because he "gave advice" on them. I told him to describe some of my photos he allegedly advised me on and he couldn't. He then said he was going to become an electrician and buy three houses in Beverly Hills so I could rent one from him. I told him he doesn't understand the housing market or current salaries if he thinks that will happen. He ragged on me for not owning a house yet and that I don't know how to handle money, and I retorted that he couldn't even take my advice when I got him into his career to rent his own studio apartment since he could finally afford one and I had offered to budget for him. Like, deliberately refused. He said the older woman he's interested in he's on the fence about getting married to because she's 10 years older than him and most likely can't provide him with children. I reminded him that during our relationship he constantly talked about how he hated kids and never wanted to be a father, and it's one of the many, many reasons I left him. He got upset that I brought that up. He said he felt like an impostor while dating me, and that is why he was so abusive and hateful towards me. "But not as abusive as all of your boyfriends, haha right?" I was hurt by them, but none of them came even close to hurting me as bad as this guy. He said that we should hang out. I said no. I understand the need for friendship even if it is from people from one's past, but I don't understand why he doesn't see that he caused so much more damage to me than anything. I can't even remember good times we had, honestly...and I remember a lot.

[smallpuppy]

Busy Bee 2

I showed my mom a couple years ago a bank statement from when I was earning so little and when she was charging me, how little I had at all times. I think that changed something within her, somehow. Maybe the way she saw me. Her oldest child, who knew not to ask her for anything while growing up, but now would never ask her for anything. Who was always working, hardly sleeping, perpetually stressed, but never said no. She recently gave me an offer I couldn't refuse, and move-in will hopefully start next summer if all things line up.

[smallpuppy]

Busy Bee

Ever since I turned 18, I've kinda been on my own for a lot of things financially. I love my mom, but raising me she was always a "bootstraps" kind of person when it came to financials despite her always being capable of paying for at minimum my community college classes. It didn't matter that I was in school, I had to have a job at the same time to pay for it. My meager $7.50/hr (later jobs got up to $9.33.hr, wow! lol) wasn't going to cut it, but I did what I could with my part-time work. At least I had a warm bed and food, but made sure not to enjoy my food too much because if there was something I wanted as groceries, I'd have to buy it if it wasn't on sale. Let's see... After taxes, I was bringing back maybe $420 on average per month until I got two new jobs at the same time. This went on for 6 years and during that time my mom made me pay $150 to her per month in rent, plus all my own bills which ended up making me stretch my money a lot. I set aside what I could, but I always budgeted to make sure I had money for trips and fun. During this time of my life I was hurtfully told that I "shouldn't ask [him] for any money" after he got a higher paying job, which I didn't. I tried to split food as much as I could and I was always the one paying for trips because I was the one planning them. I never asked him to buy me anything just because, nor did I expect him to. Getting anything as a gift was a genuine surprise. I don't know if any of this was ever relayed back to that person of how hard I worked and saved. Later when I learned to drive and was bringing home average $600/mo, I had more bills stacked upon me and even less to set aside. When I went back to university and was only bringing back $300/mo even with two jobs (extreeeeemely part-time sucks while also being a full-time uni student...), I had to constantly withdraw from my savings account after placing the minimum auto-deposit just to keep myself from over-drafting every month. Meanwhile my mom barked at me for not putting money monthly into the investment account she made for me. If I couldn't put money into my own savings account, what made her think I could put money elsewhere? I explained this to her so so so so many times, but it was in one ear and out the other for her. I worked and worked and worked all the time. Weekends, holidays if I had to, started freelancing even when I could to get extra money. I was on a constant state of panic. I stopped hanging out with friends for a couple of years at that point as I went to university to make sure I didn't have to ask anyone to spot my dinner or help me out with gas. Now that I'm finally in a comfortable place, I'm still keeping myself extremely busy with work because of what I went through financially in my 20s. I'm can't ask anyone for help because in my mind if they help me with money in any way, they will think I'm a mooch. My husband's sister already thought for a while that I was a gold digger because I married her brother not too long after he got his career started and was earning a large salary, not knowing that it was him who actively pursued me since he finally felt ready to be in a relationship. But it's ingrained in me now, I need to keep working. Even with my midweek career, I've been working extra on weekends freelancing as a photographer and while I'm excited to have so many clients both new and recurring, I've been minimizing time with friends and I feel so guilty about it. I'm going to be visiting Seb and his spouse up north this September, but not because I have the time, but because I got hired to do a wedding shoot in that direction so I'm still earning money while I visit for a day and stay a night before the job. I know he wants me to visit more often, and I want to, too! But...I can't bring myself out of the working mindset. My other close friend said, "You know how people stay busy to stave of depression? You're the only person I know who insists on staying busy and still remains depressed, but you'll implode if you stop being busy." He's right.