āA peaceful heart leads to a healthy body; jealousy is like cancer in the bones.ā āPsalm 14:30
I decided it was time to write again. My heart has actually been aching to put pen to paper, or fingers to keys as is the case here, to get some stuff off my chest. Iāve been terrified of being vulnerable. For about two years, I havenāt written, Iāve cared far too much about what other people thought of me, and Iāve tried to control the version of me that is most publicly seen. I wanted to be perfect. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to be there for everyone.
And somewhere in all this, I stopped being there for myself. And I started getting jealous of all these other people whose lives are moving forward - in various ways - while I feel stuck and stagnant. Less pretty. Less successful. Less talented. Less desirable. Has anyone else felt these things? When they all come flooding at once, it can be paralyzing.
And then I faced one of my biggest fears head on - a private family situation that broke my heart and literally ripped my world apart. I didnāt know what was up and what was down. Everything I thought I knew was suddenly shattered and I was left trying to pick up the pieces and wondering how they had stayed together for so long in the first place. In many ways, this very hard season in my life - full of many tearful nights and patient friends - has been a blessing because it has made me look deep inside and start fixing the problems I was ignoring:
Why do I always feel the need to apologize all the time?
Why DO I care so much about what others think of me?
Who do I really trust?
Which relationships in my life are healthy?
What are my boundaries and how do I feel comfortable upholding them?
Am I taking care of myself?
How can I be a good friend, but also be good to myself?
What makes me tick - in good and bad ways?
How can I stand up for myself when I disagree with someone and not feel bad about that disagreement and its awkwardness?
Somewhere in the last two years of trying to take care of my family and enduring many romantic heartbreaks, I lost sight of who I am. And more recently, Iāve felt a bit like a shell. Iām so exhausted. And some days I donāt recognize the girl in the mirror staring back at me. Iāve been struggling with depression and anxiety and jealousy. So so so much jealousy of friends who guys fawn over, or friends in happy relationships, or friends with hobbies and passions, or friends with strong faith, or friends that are emitting this beautiful inner radiant joy. And I feel like I have none of those things. And I feel very far away from having any of those things. And I donāt like the jealous/sad/anxious girl; I want to be the strong/smart/confident girl I once knew. I just want to be a good person.
I have a lot of questions (above) to continue answering and exploring before Iāll get there. I just wish the process didnāt feel so lonely. Everyone else seems to have it all together and I feel a bit lost. And I just wish I could tell the voice in my head to be a little kinder and a little less demanding of perfection.
I want that peaceful heart and I want that healthy body. Iām tired of my jealousy feeling like a cancer ripping apart my soul. Iām so ready to live a happy, healthy, and full life. I want to be an agent for change in this world, not an anchor bringing others down. I want to be an example of faith and strength that can be only found in God. Iām just having a hard time trusting Him right now. Please pray that I can overcome this roadblock.
āāāāāāāāāāāāāā
P.S. This isnāt to say the last two years have been completely miserable. There have been so many moments of extreme joy and laughter. I have a lot of pleasant memories to get me through the rough patches. It has just felt like a lot of very difficult growth and learning a lot to reverse a lot of habits. Iām trying to keep a smile on and keep going. But please be gentle with me, I am blooming and I need the reminder that it is okay to be weak and ask for help every now and again.
yousharknotpass
2087
