8 days clean. Might seem like nothing, but the fact that I haven't caved in for this long is really an accomplishment for me. It has been tough. So fucking tough. I had 2-3 days in particular where I was on the verge of relapsing. I just became so unhappy, so frustrated with being in this sober state of mind that I had to fight every urge of just opening my drawer that still contains a few of the pills, and popping one. Luckily I didn't cave in. On one of those days I went for a walk. It helped a little but the rest of the day was spent just trying not to let me cravings overwhelm me.
The one thing that I miss so fucking much is finding the most mundane, the most boring things, absolutely fascinating. I miss that buzz of just being UP AND ALERT AND OMG I HAVE SO MUCH ENERGY MY HEART IS BEATING SO QUICKLY, MY THOUGHTS ARE RACING, I NEED TO DO THIS AND THIS AND THAT AND THAT AND OMG LOOK AT THE DOG BARKING OUTSIDE AND LOOK AT THIS FUN GAME ON MY PHONE AND OOOH ART HISTORY, THAT LOOKS LIKE AN INTERESTING THING TO WATCH AND OOOH THAT LOOKS LIKE AN INTERESTING BOOK TO READ AND OMG I NEED THAT AND THAT!!.... This very mindset that was the very reason why I needed to stop to begin with, is what I miss the most. That and having no appetite. I just miss how interested I would become in something that I would completely forget the rest of the world. Nothing mattered in that moment because I was so enthralled by something. But of course let me not forget that despite that energy and interest, I could never control just what I became interested in. Literally, I had no control. Even if I had a plan of what I needed to get done, with all the materials right in front of me, if there was even the slightest thing to distract me in that moment, I would in a second forget my original plan and start doing something else. This was really awful. I would trick myself into thinking I was getting so much done when really, I was just procrastinating like usual, except this time I was buzzed as hell.
Now I find absolutely nothing enjoyable except sitting on my ass all day, watching random videos on youtube. I'm just not interested in ANYTHING!! I don't have any damn focus. I have some energy but no motivation. I'm trying to tell myself that this is normal, finding the world so boring after taking this stupid pill for a year. Of course I'm going to feel like this in the beginning, but I'm sure once some more time has passed, I will be back to normal, where I can find things exciting again and have something to look forward to. Just right now, all I see is a life and a world filled with complete boredom. I don't feel suicidal, I just don't have it in me to zoom in on something and look at it for what it is.
God, I just want to take this stuff again so badly. But there have been some positive observations since I've stopped. Firstly, the dandruff on my scalp has drastically decreased. On adderall, my scalp would be itching like crazy and sometimes I'd scratch the scabs out so violently that it was a miracle that I didn't make myself bleed. Now being adderall-free, my scalp rarely itches anymore. And with that being said, I'm not losing my hair like crazy. I have lost so much hair from this pill, that the bald spots are almost impossible to hide. And my scalp would feel so sensitive every time I had my hair up or parted to the side. But not anymore. Its only been 8 days but my hair feels thicker and more healthier already. And then there were those uncontrollable ticks, which I would feel like a daily basis. They haven't completely stopped, but my body feels so much more calmer. I'm no longer having those weird reflex spasms, and my hands don't hurt!! My bones don't hurt, the muscles in my legs feel fine and not unbearably painful like they did in the past!!
I noticed my face is starting to clear up. My skin is getting softer again and I'm starting to get a glow, especially after working out. On adderall, even when I would exercise regularly, my face would just get red. Normally however, my skin immediately clears up and my face gets lighter and brighter. Now that I'm off of it, that natural effect after working out/being outside is starting to come back again. The weight gain has been hitting me, but not as hard as before. I've been exercising like a mad woman, at least I'd say, so while I'm still putting on weight, my body is remaining in its toned type structure.
I don't know. I see a lot of improvements being clean, and I know I am doing the absolute right thing by quitting. It's just so fucking hard to break a habit that's become the complete norm for me, for the past year. I don't want this habit to stretch out any longer. I've done enough physical and emotional damage to both my body and life as is from this pill. I'm slowly starting to get my sense of humor back and laughing at all the little things that I normally find hilarious. That is a great bonus to this sober living, but I just miss the buzz, the dopamine high, the lack of appetite, and all that so damn much. Ugh, even coffee can't bring me that feeling. In fact, drinking too much caffeine just makes me more spacey and distracted than I normally am. Ugh, just let me get through with at least completing 21 days of sobriety. I'm giving up drinking in this period too. It's not worth it right now. Alcohol is extremely triggering and makes me crave that upper high too much. I can get through this. The only problem is questioning whether I really want to sometimes :/