why are you here

please go away

[snail-shit-posts]

was someone going to tell me there are snails that make pearls or was i just going to have to find out for myself

[snail-shit-posts]

“captain! we’re reaching dangerous levels of boredom!” “Doggone it! Deploy the hunger mechanism, full throttle!” “But Captain, we’ve done that maneuver three times in the last hour-” “Did we try the hydrate button?” “That hasn’t worked for years-” “PRESS THAT BUTTON SKIPPER” “YES SIR” “god save us all” *drinks water* “huh. wow. I’m still bored. I’m gonna go do something stupid and possibly harming because of how bored I am.” “we failed captain.” “yes. but perhaps we will win another day”

[snail-shit-posts]

I don’t think i can express how much i love skittles dips, and i dont just mean how they taste. I mean, they’re surprisingly good, though you kinda lose the skittle flavor in the yogurt, but the true experience of dips is the ads. If you’ve never seen a skittles dips ad, you’re missing a crucial part of psychological horror. From dystopian futures where food gains sentience and are forced into labor to feed humans, or just a simple ad combining disturbing imagery, sound effects, music, and voice overs into a 10 second horror trip. And yet i sometimes wonder if they even exist, as few stores still sell them, giving them an almost holy aura when you finally track down a pack. Was i merely dreaming the time i had them, or was it an alternate timeline? Or maybe the dream was itself an ad for skittles dips-maybe we are all just an ad for Skittles dips- skittles, in a creamy, yogurty coating 

[snail-shit-posts]

This is the story of a guy who likes lizards

Once there was a guy who liked lizards. I dont feel the need to say much more about him then this, i mean, i wasn’t given much more info on him. How am i supposed to find him and stop him if all i know is that he likes lizards??

[snail-shit-posts]

The story of a guy who

This is the story of a guy who ate some pie. One day, a guy named Wobbe wanted to eat some pie. However, due to a global decrease in ovens after the “California incident”, it was becoming increasingly difficult to make pies. Therefore, after Wobbe’s parents went to bed, they stayed up late into the night making a time machine, went back in time to before the incident, and bought a pie at a local pie shop. However, on his return journey, he dropped the pie and shorted out his time machine, causing it to malfunction and fling him into the far future, where it turned out they just made some more ovens and pies were a thing again. The End. 

[snail-shit-posts]

sits down next to you, casually yawns and puts arm around your shoulder, you look in my hand and theres a business card, with only one word: carrots, you look up to ask me about it but I'm gone