cocked & loaded [dwayne johnson/vin diesel]
okay, so if i were to write the academy award-winning and world peace-establishing screenplay where Dwayne âthe Rockâ Johnson and Vin Diesel slowly fall in love, this is what it would look like:
vin and dwayne would be bitter Rival Agents for an intelligence agency. both would be up for a Big Promotion. Â they would both be working together (but against each other) on something something black market mafia. Â the mafia would be involved. Â they would be VERY CLOSE to cracking this case. Â
whoever cracks the case gets the promotion! because things like this are always very clear-cut in movies. Â and whoever gets the promotion is the Better Agent, and itâs settled forever.
what they donât expect is when they finally go in to make the Big Bust on The Family is that the Big Players will still be at largeâand there will be a BABY. Â
the baby will fall into agency custody, and will require surveillance in a remote safehouse.
âi need YOU TWO to pretend and be this babyâs GAY DADS to protect the baby and keep The Family off our tail while we close in on them,â says Head Intelligence Captain Lupita Nyongâo. Â
dwayne and vin and baby are begrudgingly moved to a suburb of provincetown, massachusetts. cut to shot of a FOR SALE sign being pulled down, a ford fusion hybrid pulling up behind a moving van. Â dwayne and vin step out. Â they are both wearing muscle shirts and mirror-lensed aviators. Â dwayne grabs a baby bag, throws it over his shoulder. Â vin grabs the car seat out of the back, and both of them walk-slow motion up the side walk to their new 800k beach house. Â
hereâs what they expect: passive aggressive co-existence for a couple of weeks, where they try to be the Better Dad in a bid for the promotion they both want. Â dwayne will go jogging with the baby every morning!! vin will wear her in a sling when he goes to the farmerâs market and smiles at the vendors while feeling up avocados and selecting fresh caught filets of fish!!Â
hereâs what they donât expect: their next door neighbors are going to be Channing Tatum and Idris Elba and their five beautiful, interracial babies.  they are the perfect Gay Family, but âalso,â dwayne says, pushing vin inside from where heâs been grilling steaks and drinking MILLER out of a CAN in broad daylight for the Real Gay Family to see and call over from their patio!!! âthese guys are the REAL DEAL.  theyâre gonna know somethingâs up!  i know weâve had our beef, but we gotta step our game up and work together if weâre gonna make this operation work.â Â
âyouâre right,â vin says.  heâs nodding, looking at a ground, but then up and meeting dwayneâs gaze. âyouâre RIGHT.â theyâre gonna make this partnership work!!! they are going to be the BEST GAY DADS.
CUT TO: vin and dwayne staring at the king sized mattress in the master bedroom.  âi can justââ vin says, but dwayne grabs him by the shoulder and shakes it playfully.  âno man,â he says. âitâs all in or nothing.âÂ
CUT TO: them jogging together with baby playfully squealing from her stroller early in the morning. Â
CUT TO: vin playfully feeding dwayne grapes at the farmerâs market. Â âitâs all or nothing,â he repeats, raising his eyebrows (???? eyebrow folds? idk man). dwayne rolls his eyes and TAKES THE BITE. Â
CUT TO: channing tatum in monogrammed shorts and pink polo and boat shoes on their front door step with one of his many perfect, precious toddlers on his shoulders, asking them to dinner. Â âuh yeah,â dwayne says, cool as a cucumber. heâs not freaking out (heâs totally freaking out!!). Â âweâll bring the wine.â
âweâll bring the wine?â vin repeats, in a hushed voice so the neighbors and baby donât hear them fighting. âdo you know anything about wine? they probably have a second house in france!  i havenât had anything that didnât come from a box sinceâsince ever! what were you thinking?â âi panicked!  it seemed like the right thing to say!âÂ
TIRES SCREECH as the ford focus hybrid drifts into the whole foods parking lot. Â
they show up out of breath, foreheads glistening, with baby in her favorite babybjorn, feet kicking from the dayâs excitement of wine shopping. Â vin, wheezing, passes a bottle of red and a bottle of white.
âoh, a chateau coutet barsac,â idris says with a chuckle, showing the label to channing. âremember that timeâ?â and oh my GOD, they have inside jokes!!Â
(âwe donât have any inside jokes!!â dwayne whispers when they immediately excuse themselves halfway through a tour of the house. âthatâs because you are the least funny person i know!â vin replies. âgod, i hate you!!!â they both probably hiss at each other.)
the worst and best part of the night is when theyâre serving the roast veg salad, and channing says with the best intentions, âso, how did you two meet?â
âthe gym,â dwayne says. which, actually turns out to be true. Â they look at each other, smile soft and genuine for once at each other, REMEMBERING. before they were BITTER RIVALS, they met at the academy gym and were GYM BUDDIES. Â they used to have FUN trying to beat each otherâs PR on the treadmill, they used to LOVE shit talking each other when they spotted each other bench pressing, they used to snap towels at each otherâs asses in the locker room and totally not check each other out or anything!!! and then they were both accepted to the same position at work and they stopped being friendly for whatever reason. Â they stop smiling, they look away from each other. Â âanyway.â
âwe met building houses for habitat for humanity,â idris offers, because of COURSE THEY DID.
the second worst part of the night is when channing mentions during the dessert course that two weeks from now is the annual May Day Homeownerâs Neighborhood Block Party Crab Cookoff, and maybe dwayne and vin would like to host to get to know everyone else in the neighborhood!Â
vin has had like, three more glasses of wine than everyone else, and with aid of liquid confidence, shrugs his shoulders and leans back in his chair and says, âyeah, man, weâd love to.â
ââyeah, man, weâd love to?ââ dwayne repeats when theyâre walking home, baby asleep in her bjorn.Â
âsorry, did you want me to give ourselves away? what happened to being the best? weâre trying to be believable!âÂ
âyeah,â dwayne says, watching vin strip off his shirt and pants and toss them over his shoulder into their spare hamper before crawling into their bed. Â itâs routine. Â they both have their sides of the bed. Â âbelievable.â
the bedroom is quiet as they face away from each other at the edges of the mattress.  eventually dwayne asks, âdo you remember why we stopped being friends?â
for a second he thinks maybe vinâs gone to sleep. Â but he turns over. Â âno,â he says. Â âor yeah, maybe. as soon as i realized we would both be seeing action, it became too much of a risk. Â friendship. Â it was easier to lose you as a friend on my terms than lose you as a friend because you got your dumbass killed.â
they decide to be friends again. Â you know, for the baby. Â for work. whatever. Â
they get so caught up in planning the May Day Homeownerâs Neighborhood Block Party Crab Cookoff, making inside jokes and ignoring the increasing casual physical intimacy between them that they donât realize they are BEING WATCHED.
the mafia is HERE and they want their BABY and they want dwayne and vin DEAD. Â
the M.D.H.N.B.P.C.C happens and everything is going according to plan, and they are about to have dwayne judge the bisque portion of the competition, but no one has seen dwayne anywhere!!!!
are there warehouses in provincetown??? is there a bad part of provincetown??? anyways, thatâs probably where the mafia took dwayne. Â vin is FREAKING OUT, how does he save dwayne??? how does he protect the baby, who they are using dwayne as ransom for??? who will judge the bisque portion of the crab cookoff???
idris puts a hand on his shoulder.  heâs been watching the entire time.  âiâll take the baby into our panic roomââ OF COURSE THEY HAVE A PANIC ROOM, âand channing will judge the bisque portion of the crab cookofff.  you go save your man.â
CUT TO: vin getting geared up to go out and kick some mafia ass, entering their walk-in closet and grabbing GUNS and a BULLET PROOF VEST and lacing up his L.L BEAN MENâS GORETEX LEATHER BOOTS. Â
vin takes out the entire warehouse-or-whatever of mafia lackeys and comes across dwayne tied up and blindfolded.
âwhoâs there!â dwayne demands, like heâs ready to fight despite himself. Â vin takes three strong steps forward and grabs him by the back of the head and pulls him in for a kiss. Â âguess who,â he replies. Â dwayne smiles.
just then the Final Boss shows up as dwayne is being untied and like, something dramatic happens or whatever, but itâs okay. Â they die or go to jail or something, it doesnât really matter, because dwayne and vin are in LOVE and theyâre gonna adopt the hell out of that baby.
CUT TO: a month later. Â Head Intelligence Captain Lupita Nyongâo is disappointed when vin wonât accept his promotion. Â
âi would,â he says, heavily decorated for saving dwayne in the field and taking down the mafia family. Â âbut the code of conduct says that it would be a conflict of interest if i was my husbandâs supervisor.â BAM! THE END. Â THEYâRE MARRIED. Â WORLD PEACE UNLOCKED. Â DONALD TRUMP IMPEACHED. Â EVERYONE LIVES HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
