Emotions in a Snap

Welcome to my trash heap. Gay boi (Andrew) livin in mormon city (UT),with lots of trashy emotions. My best boi is Brian, a handsome motherhecker. I write about gayness and other stuff. I will soon start a short series about a boi realizin he gay and coming out to his fam. A good read :P

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Here are some poster designs I’ve been working on for Brian’s birthday. I’m a fan of the third one the most honestly. The Final product will be put on a giant ass poster that I hope works as part of a good gift for him.

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Boyfriend Birthday/Anniversary

Brian’s birthday is on June 11th. I want to get him something good, but like, I have little money. I’ve made this poster saying “Happy Birthday” but I don’t feel like it’s good enough. This is it:

But It looks cruddy and cheap. I will probably buy a better poster material and work on different designs for the poster. 

I also have our 1 year anniversary to think about. It’s on the 7th of July, and I wanna do something even more extra special. On our first date he gave me two paper stars. It didn’t really mean much but I thought they were pretty cool, so I kept them. And I began making my own stars. I would write down something I like about him on a strip of paper and fold it into a star. 

I would do this every now and then, and store them in a small jar. While there aren’t like 500 of them, each one means more than a simple star. At least to me. Eventually I would start writing my own thoughts on the stars, like depressing thoughts and personal feelings. Things that I’d never really tell anyone. 

Would making a large gay poster and attaching the stars to the poster in a somehow pattern be cool? Or would it be better to gift wrap the jar and give that to him. Either way I’ll explain to him how important they are to me. I hope it goes well.

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My BoiFriend

At school, in 10th grade I was friends with a senior named Andrew, which happened to be my own name. He gave me the snapchat of another gay guy named Brian. I had broken up like a week ago, from a not-really relationship, so I suppose it was less breaking up and more cutting like the last string. 

We had talked back and forth about dating people, what we look for in people, and about things in general. The first time we met was when he invited me to a Wednesday meeting at the Utah Pride Center. This was before they moved locations. I remember walking into the center from the parking lot, and first seeing him sitting down on the couch in the meeting room. 

When I walked in I suddenly realized that I was wearing the ugliest and tightest shirt I owned. So I kinda kept my arms up to keep my man-boobs of a sort from poking out too much.

After that a few days later we went on our first date. We ended up going bowling, and I gotta say it was pretty great. We ended up talking about quirky date scenarios, like going sky diving or goat riding. After that we went to go see Spiderman Homecoming, and did the slow hand hold thing. That surprisingly felt even better.

But my favorite part about the day was after the movie. We drove around a little looking for something to do, and we saw a Little Caesars. I remember walking in the parking lot, and he handed me two paper stars, orange and green paper. I still have them. We bought a cheese pizza and some crazy bread, and hung out at a park nearby. We kinda sat in the grass and talked and ate the best date-food ever

I still have both the paper stars and the movie ticket from the movie. I’m thinking about doing something with them for our first-year anniversary, which is on July 7th. Wish me luck with that.

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Realization/Coming Out Story

Often I’ll hear stories of fantastic coming out stories, where everyone around the person will celebrate with them. I also hear about horrible ones, where the person is shunned by their friends and family, and maybe even kicked from their home. Mine isn’t so dramatic, or very interesting in my opinion

During 9th grade I had a man-crush on this fit guy in gym class. (You can tell where this is going already) He was a really nice guy, popular, kind to everyone, even vice pres of the student body thing. All around good looking and good acting guy. 

Eventually I figured out that I really liked him. Like, like liked him, if that makes sense aha. But at first I was hesitant. I had never really seen homosexuality, or any LGBT+  subject as bad. It just was out of my area. I knew little about it. My mom and dad used to be Mormon, and I grew up with my dad’s side of the family being Mormon. 

As I began looking at guys a little differently, I kinda mentally sat myself down for like a week. This because I figured that coming out as gay would kinda change my life, so I wanted to be sure that my feelings were real. I’m kinda proud of the fact that it only took me a week to figure it out. I’d never had any feelings for anyone before this, so that was certainly a clue aha. 

I figured out everything with myself. Then I had to tell everyone else. My mom was pretty excited, cause I had never been interested in anyone until now. Plus I think she liked that I told her first. I told my dad on the drive back home from a family event. He took time to process it, and pretty much doesn’t care about it. He will make a cringy gay joke every now and then, sometimes being good. 

That is pretty much it. I realized I was gay in the last month of 9th grade. I was fully openly gay in 10th grade up to now too. 

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Pride Month

In Utah they are holding a Pride Festival. My boyfriend will be part of the parade on Sunday. I have never been to a pride parade before, and while I am excited for it, I also have mixed emotions about it. 

Being a part of the LGBT+ community is an amazing thing. The community is so open and kind and understanding. It’s amazing being able to say I am part of this community. But like literally any other community in the human world, there are people one might consider “elitists.” I’ve been hearing stories about people being pushed away, people like African Americans and straight-looking couples. I hope I don’t end up seeing something like that happening there.

Another possible, well, very likely aspect of the parade will be the protesters. I’ll be with a close gay friend of mine, so I should be okay. But I am hoping that I won’t take anything they say to heart. I likely won’t even listen to them. The truth is I have never really run into any blatant opposition towards my homosexuality. Surprising, since I live in Utah, I know. I’ve been openly gay at school, and everyone in my immediate family knows about me. But I’ve never be chastised for it, I’ve never been told that I suck because of it. 

Most of the time when I imagine someone being homophobic against me, I imagine being able to yell back at them, or ignore them completely. I imagine being able to ignore their words and ideals, and moving on without a scratch. But I don’t know if it will be like that, and I’m scared of what it might turn into. 

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Pride

I’m not fashionable or handsome

I have no talent with makeup or theater

I don’t enjoys makeovers or shopping with the girls

But I do love a man, much like myself

And that’s enough to qualify

isn’t it?

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Disappearing Act

I won’t lose the sunlight shining bright in my eye

I won’t lose the moonlight streaking down from the sky

I won’t lose my sanity, my desire to survive

But I will lose you, my will to thrive