Can you believe I’m working now?
When I started this blog, I was in high school, knee-deep in love with worlds different from mine. From books to series, it took me to places I never dreamed of, gave me relief from the mundane life I used to live - still live in, and half the person I became, I owe to the fictional worlds and fictional with characters I grew up with.
I think I just graduated from grade school then.
I think I grew up decent. I think I’m someone they’d be proud of.
The years after that, I slowly detached from this site. Unintentionally. As a high school junior, life became taxing from all the responsibilities I decided to shoulder. A year after, I met my first boyfriend. A few months after, my father died from cancer. I was drowning in anxiety beginning my senior year. The most vivid memory I have was sitting on my desk in the first row of the classroom, controlling my hands because it was shaking and painfully shutting my eyes to stop myself from crying.
It was honestly a great experience. I gained two new groups of friends, and they have been my source of light and love and strength to push through the hellish course I decided to take. I broke up with my boyfriend. I tried to date. They just never sat right. I loved the freedom. I focused on academics and org work instead. I rose up in position.
I got introduced to BTS at the end of my fourth year, and life got so much brighter. Each day, I remind myself of the values and messages they share with their fans. I think I became a better person because of them.
I reached my fifth and last year. Our course was a five-year curriculum. It was hell. It was like swimming to the surface, gasping for a few times, and getting dragged back down. Blissful were the days when we got breaks.
Then, I graduated. Right after the ceremony, we had a small lunch then I flew to Bangkok and got to see BTS live the next night.
The board exam review was the next hurdle. I reviewed, but my heart was never in it. The situation back home was in turmoil. My mother failed to achieve her dream. To make matters worse, she was getting death threats. In another unrelated incident, she was in the middle of a gunfight.
And so months passed by. My pillows were soaked with tears and my heart heavy with nothingness. I failed the board exam, but I’ve never felt freer. Days after, my friends and I traveled to Bangkok, Malaysia, and Singapore. It was a trip planned months before, but it became a consolation trip because out of 10, only one passed. It was somehow hilarious.
The passing rate was ridiculously low that I decided to take a break. I went home because, for the last six years that I was studying, I was eight hours away from home. I lived alone in a big city where I had to be independent.
And now, I’m working a job I never thought I’d do. I’m teaching, far from the accounting course I graduated from but I go home fulfilled. I teach business subjects to senior high school students as a part-timer, for only one semester. The pay is low but I don’t have any other expenses. I go home to my mom and brother in the afternoon. I have a dog that runs up to me and never stops licking me in happiness. I get to see my high school friends every weekend.
Last night, I couldn’t sleep. I feel like I could be more but I don’t have an idea what “more” is. I am envious of my friends who are earning more and who genuinely love what they’re doing.
Today, I woke up heavy-hearted. I’m going to drag this heart with me until the burden becomes lighter and no longer needs to be pulled.
areudirty
theartofmadeline
