My Weight Loss Confession
Enough already! For the sake of possibly helping just one person, Iâm going to be super vulnerable and honest right now. I think I am recovering from disordered eating. Thatâs the first time I admitted that aloud (or on paper), and it feels scary and cathartic, all at once.
The crazy thing is, I didnât encounter this type of behavior in myself until I hit 30. What started out as a goal to bring down my cholesterol levels, turned into a beast, in its own right. I first got motivated when my Doctor told me I had cholesterol levels of 60 year old, when I was just 30 years old. Being only at the high end of normal weight, this was shocking news to me. But high cholesterol runs in my family, and I felt behooved to work hard to make changes, to get in into a healthier range. I started counting calories and working out more. The first 10 lbs came off pretty quickly and the labs proved I had improved my cholesterol into a healthy zone. So I should have stopped there, right? But during this weight loss âjourneyâ (I really despise that word in this context, but in this case itâs to make a point) something else started happening in my life that had never happened before- friends started praising my new body and noticing how âthinâ and âgreatâ I looked. It felt great to get these types of accolades. I also started becoming obsessed with the scale and how my clothes now all fit. I liked feeling thin and in control. Perhaps since other things in my life were way out of my control (my son got a devastating diagnosis of muscular dystrophy around this time), this was something I could tackle and achieve, in spite of everything going on around me.
Iâm not sure if others in my generation had a similar experience growing up, but I never really had body image issues as a teen. I attribute this to my mom and my sister always praising being beautiful, curvy Jewish women. Being an active kid and teen meant I was always moving and never took a moment to consider my size and calorie intake. The ironic thing is, recently a friend pointed out how when she saw an old photo of me in my teens I looked bigger then I did now (she meant this as a compliment, but we can leave the whole âcomplimenting weight lossâ for another time). And you know what, she was absolutely right. But, I felt amazing then. I was a carefree teen, I had tons of friends, I was too busy enjoying my youth to notice the âextraâ weight I was carrying around. I felt very good in my body, and I had all the confidence in the world.
One very important factor, in this teenage healthy body image equation, is the fact that social media was non-existent back then. We didnât even text when I was a teen (I spent hours gabbing on my personal landline, which was super awesome and cool in 1999). There was no comparison âlive feedâ happening on my phone, as a constant reminder of what I am not. Nobody was selling me their diet or flashing before and after photos or themselves and others. I could live in my blissful unawareness of what I âshouldâ look like. Beauty magazines never appealed to me. I was more into classic rock and journaling. My friends were all shapes and sizes too, and we were a close knit group that never body shamed each other. We were a group dealing with more important real life dramas (two friends lost parents, two friends parents were going through divorces), and we had grown up and were beyond the trappings of what some of our peers were focused on. Â
All in all, I never battled with the voice inside telling me I needed to shrink until I was an adult. But after I lost those initial pounds, I was addicted. I liked watching the scale go down, and everyone around me praising me for my accomplishments. I joined Weight Watchers and started to track everything that went in my mouth. Different foods had different values and I was the sum of this value. My daily life was based around this number and if I was âgoodâ or âbadâ that day. As hard as I tried though, I could never get to my final âgoalâ, that was really not a healthy goal and not a necessary place to be, as I had already reached my health goal of lowering my cholesterol. Luckily, things changed. Because of another medical situation going on (Iâm totally fine, thank G-d), I had to give up on my weight obsession for a while. This has given me time to pause and reflect and my eyes have been opened to all the weight obsession going on around me. Whether it is a particular diet, product, pill or fitness program, it seems like every other person I know on social media is selling âthinâ. Possibly one of the most triggering of posts is those before and after photos. The message: your life will be so much better after you turn into the person you SHOULD be, and so long as you stay the way you are, you arenât your best self, you arenât reaching your potential. Translation: your size is your worth. This is what they are selling, regardless of the âhealthâ they may be promoting.
What kind of message is this for our young women? Donât we live in the time of women standing up to bullies? Truthfully, we may be our own biggest bullies. Itâs so true, that you really can become your own worst enemy. And if you truly have a health risk and need to lose weight, then moderation should be the goal, not emaciation. Yes, I know there are some people who may then take this too far, and think Iâm normalizing and accepting obesity, but trust me, this is not the case. In fact, I think this whole obsession may be at the center of the âobesity epidemicâ, and in the struggle of trying to achieve perfection one gives up completely and therefore we end up with the very dangerous  yo-yo dieting that causes so much harm to the body.
Letâs strive for moderation. Letâs each salads but enjoy a piece of chocolate. Letâs focus on foods that make us feel good, not just look good. I recently cut out gluten and soy, for thyroid management purposes, and I have noticed I actually feel better off of these foods. Iâm listening to my body, and not someone elseâs definition of beauty and worth. If I am able to turn this around I think others can to. I invite all women to join together, and think about ways we can combat this battle. Social media moves at lightning speed, so in some ways it feels like an uphill battle, but I do think there is hope. I have seen women and communities come together against hate, and itâs inspiring to witness the changes that have been made and will continue to be made. We have called out the male bullies in our midsts and now itâs time to call ourselves out and demand a better direction. Itâs only our physical, mental and emotional health at risk. I think itâs worth it.
       My mom and I back in my teen, carefree, slightly heavier days.