Amy, sober?

[soberamy]

Hey I'm back!

I've been sober for 8 days! The start was the day after my 30th birthday, where I got drunk as if I was turning 20 years old 😆

Ok I lied. I broke the soberness today, I had one glass of wine.. but I still feel I want to be sober again for some time. And feel the things again that I wrote and felt in the past here.

So here I am. Being accountable. Committing to this idea of maintaining soberness and fighting the deamons of addiction. Feeling better. Healthy and connected to myself.

I have a trip coming up next weekend. And it gives me anxiety to think about rejecting a drink and not joining the usual party activities. Makes me feel empowered too. I can and will make my own choices and people will respect me, because they would also like to be able to do this. To do against the norm. And be the closest to yourself.

Also I'm not eating gluten.. Maybe that will be harder to accomplish.

Will keep you posted from Mallorca!

[soberamy]

Winter blues

Hello again,

do you ever wake up craving a drink? 

waiting for something to take you away from reality? Depression is real, we all feel it in one way or another. We can’t be fucking happy all the time, that’s not real, and we know it.

Real is to wake up and roll to the other side trying to fall asleep again. 

Real is to remember your dreams in the morning and cry about the lovers that have left. To wake up alone, or next to someone, and feel alone. 

The truth is I’ve felt depressed, over and over again, and I know that is part of my life. 

There are times when it is too much though, and I rather live the day inside my blankets, waiting for the next sun to wipe away these feelings. 

Yesterday I woke up like that, not knowing what to do with myself.

I wanted to get wasted, find that fake happiness alcohol brings. It is only human to find the easy way out sometimes. Today, as my head hurts while I write these words, I feel strong. I feel love towards myself, and I know that however hard life can be it is also beautiful. I want to live it with full awareness, and I know the only way to do that is sober. 

The journey is long, and I am grateful to what it is showing to me.

Above all, whatever it is, give it love. That’s the only way to live without regret. 

[soberamy]

I drank tonight -

So I decided to drink tonight. It was a conscious choice and I don't regret it. Although now it feels a bit pointless.

It made me a bit more social. I loved the taste of a good wine. Beer tasted like piss.

It made my belly turn around and my head started hurting. Maybe because I'm tired but after the alcohol I have some fake energy taking over.

Now I feel restless, I want to go out and dance my brains out.

My heart is beating fast, sometimes it quiets down, but the speed goes back up in no time.

I feel like I just smoked a package of cigarettes.

I feel anxious, I anticipate the future and what will happen next. The fear of missing out is stronger as ever, I didn't even know I have it. I get a bit sad, bad memories take over. I remember him, and how he used to look at me.

Old memories that when I'm sober I don't feel anymore. Right now I am so sure I miss him, but this morning I didn't. And somehow in the back of my head I know tomorrow I won't miss him anymore.

Alcohol is seriously depressing. Use it with care. But for most of the time the choice of not consuming it will be more rewarding.

At the end this is part of my sober curious journey.

And I feel so lucky to be able to experience alcohol in this way. I am conscious of every sensation it caused in my body, it's so weird, feels like and LSD trip.

[soberamy]

Sorry, I forgot about alcohol.

I forgot what it made me feel,

the reasons why I would crave a drink.

I have forgotten, and instead I now crave for a lemonade.

[soberamy]

Reality check

It’s hard to not count the days, or the weeks. It is hard to keep it for myself, I wish I could tell everyone around how good I am doing. Is it true then? Am I really doing good?

The need for recognition is strong. The journey is long.

I am not perfect, I can write here how good I am doing and how everything is brighter without alcohol, but I won’t.

Life is the same, just one less thing to take care of. Not needing to think about alcohol, nor to take care of my addiction, gives me more time to think and reflect on what’s on my mind. So if anything life may become harder after being an addict. What’s empowering is knowing that this version of yourself is more real than any other version that existed before. The sober version of me is fully. 

That makes me feel powerful, and I know that whatever the journey ahead will look like, I will be ready for it.

[soberamy]

My first sober party (in a while)

Last Friday I partied until 5 am.

I danced, I laughed, I connected to people without taking a drink. 

The next day I felt the exhaustion on my body, everything hurt and I wanted to sleep in. 

But there was no headache, and no sour feelings about the day before.

I also connected with my hangover roommates, we were all in a bit of pain, but in the inside I was smiling. Proud of myself that I had an epic night, and I wasn’t even tempted.

I realized beer smells like piss.

And drunk people can be annoying as fuck.

I was so happy I didn’t end up in the toilet throwing up with half my makeup gone.

I did find it a bit hard to stop caring about what was happening around me. The empty beer bottles, people smoking where they shouldn’t, or people being extra loud not caring about the neighbors. I am still learning to let go, and it is not that it is better not to care, but knowing that sometimes it is fine to just live and let all worries aside -without the help of alcohol.

[soberamy]

It’s been 4 weeks now.

I feel so good and alive.

People notice, they give me love and I give love back.

When I try to envision the time I will pick up a drink again there is nothing but emptiness.

I guess the day will come one day.

But for now I live in peace knowing that I am true to myself.

[soberamy]

On life and dead -

When I was a little kid, about 9 years old, I remember crying in the back of the car while my mom was driving. I was seriously disheartened because the world was going to end in the year 2000. Of course that was a myth.

Nevertheless, it is a very vivid memory that still triggers emotional discomfort. I was feeling hopeless, I couldn't do anything to stop the word from ending. I couldn't understand how could life be so beautiful but it had to end.

I still have this feeling sometimes.

I accepted my death last year, it was a transcendent moment in which I internalized the fact that my life will end in some point, and that's ok. Before this I avoided the thought of death as much as possible. Thinking about it would make me feel claustrophobic, I would have trouble breathing, or I would start to cry. The idea of not being alive anymore, of not reaching that next milestone I had in my mind, of not being with my loved ones anymore, was unbearable.

But how could I be so affraid of dying and still have such strong additictions to substances that I know may kill me? That took a long while to understand.

We humans work with a reward system, in which when we do something good we deserve a treat. I learned that a treat was something damaging to your body, so you could only do it when you 'deserved' it. In the transition from teenager to adult a lot of responsibilities are shifted. No one tells you what to do anymore, no more prohibitions or the voice of your mom knowing better. Finally, we can have all of those treats without restrictions. And that's were adulthood began for me without a notice.

-- some 10 years after --

After living in the extreme, you get tired. And if you are lucky enough, you'll start to question the reason behind your actions. There are a lot of reasons why I've taken drugs knowing that they may end my life, and in some points the drugs were be the most powerful reminder of me being alive... I remember writing about smoking once saying: ' if cigarettes may kill me, why do they bring me closer to the now? Why only when I light a cigarette, and sit down to smoke, is when I feel fully present? '. I did realize that smoking is like a breathing exercise, we slow down our breathe, we look at the smoke of the tabacco coming in and out, and we take a break to do nothing, but hold that cigarette in our hands while enjoying some fresh air. There are also a lot of reasons why I am not doing it now. But in conclusion, before I start telling a new story, after questioning your current behaviors you may start to change this reward system. Maybe erradicate it completely over time. Because it is bullshit. We deserve to treat ourselves all the time, always. And the best treats are the ones that bring us closer to a happy, healthy and long life.

And that first story of me as a kid always works as a reminder of how much I love life, and how much I can do now to prevent my death. I am not helpless as I felt back then. I have the power to elongate this beautiful life with every choice I make. Sometimes I need to be reminded of that.

[soberamy]

Breaking old habits is hard -

The title says it all. 

Breaking old habits it’s fucking hard.

Today was one of those days that usually break me in pieces. When I have too much to do that nothing I do is rewarding. My mind is busy making plans of what’s next.

I stop trusting my senses, I stop trusting my mind. Whatever I am doing at the moment, there must be something wrong.

I don’t understand how can people live with themselves if they don’t think like me or act like me. I get annoyed by everyone, and I wish I was living underground and I wouldn’t need to deal with the baggage of others. With the energy of others. 

Extreme thoughts. They are not real, but sometimes it feels like they are. 

So I come back home broken after dealing with this, and I need to find a way to relax, to distract my mind with something else. That else used to be alcohol, lots and lots of alcohol and a couple of cigarettes. 

I decide this can’t be the reason I will stop my sobriety. And I don’t know what to do with myself. So I lay down with my belly on the bed. I can’t close my eyes, but I start to feel how my belly grows bigger when I breathe in, and shrinks when I breathe out. And I feel it again. And again. I realize I am tired. And I think of the idea of getting drunk, and I feel the weight of the drunkenness on my shoulders, my back, and my whole body. It feels like I just put on an iron suit. I don’t need that, I am already heavy enough. 

I got up, and life was good again.

I forgot about alcohol. Actually, I forgot about it since the moment I took this decision. 

And never mind me, changing habits is super easy, if there is an intrinsic reason behind it. So find your reason - as close to your heart as possible.

Love,

Amy.

[soberamy]

I am able to tell people I love them in my full senses.

[soberamy]

Anxiety

I still feel the anxiety that used to come from the anticipation of a social night.

When I would make dinner plans, or planning to meet friends, I would start to wonder how much would I drink that night, or how much not to have a hangover tomorrow, or how much not to sleep too late... I would plan my next day free in the morning, or quietly accept that I won’t do anything I had planned before.

Feels so silly when putting this into words, but that’s part of my anxious trippy mind. I get anxious about many things, but now that I am reflecting on it, I notice that some anxieties have gone away, and that gives me a bit of hope that things will be alright if I give them time. 

I planned a dinner for tomorrow, and for Friday, and the thought keeps on coming into my mind - will I be able to do yoga on Friday morning? Will I be able to have two social nights in a row? Of course you will, because you won’t get intoxicated tonight - I am not exaggerating, it feels seriously weird in my body, I get some tickles over my skin, like a shiver that travels my whole body multiple times. I am working to let go of this need to hold on to the thought that I might end up drunk, that I may fall into my old habits. 

I start to trust. 

And with the help of my breathe I know that I will be ok, and that no matter what, I won’t love myself less. If anything, I will love myself more.

- if you feel like continue reading, here goes a list of changes I have experienced in this week of sobriety - 

. I am eating more than usual

. I think more clearly and can focus better

. I have more sugar cravings

. Coffee makes me feel less sick

. Some food allergies have gotten better - I can eat garlic again!

. I started reading again - all year I tried to sit down and read and I couldn’t, maybe because in my free time I would get drunk or be tired

. I started taking breaks to take some deep breaths

. I am slower at doing things

. I am still getting anxious about my to do list

. I still look at my calendar constantly

. I do not crave a drink

. I have more energy

. I do not crave cigarettes

. My curiosity about the world increased

. I am still in a strike of feeling just good

Cheers,

Amy.

[soberamy]

Day 6

- lost count of how many times I called myself beautiful today.

[soberamy]

High on life

Doesn’t feel like long. Anyone could go without drinking for 5 days right? This seemed like an impossible task since the beginning of summer. 

This summer was one of the craziest times of my life. I was writing the end of my thesis, I was basically homeless, and living in a different country from the one I study. I was a bit heartbroken, overly social (maybe this is normal) and working part time. Since June, I couldn’t spend more than 1-2 days without drinking. At the end of my thesis, the last 2 weeks, I was getting drunk every night and I smoked tobacco as I never did in my life. Nevertheless, I did enjoy those weeks of excesses. I felt very alive and no-guilt, as I tend to feel when I am hangover. After handing in my thesis, I had 3 days to move my stuff from Germany to NL and start working again. In those 3 days, my best friend from Mexico was arriving and staying with me for a month. No more words needed. Then he left and I decided to go to a music festival for 3 days, where I had the most amazing experience with LSD. I came back to Amsterdam the same day my mom arrived from Mexico to visit me for a month. She left last week. But in this last month I also moved to a new house and a lot of shit happened in the middle. So that’s a brief summary of my last 5 months.

It was so busy, and most of my memories of this period are drunk stories, and anxious times. 

Maybe I don’t really have a problem with alcohol, but I seriously overdid, so it makes sense to want to have a break. 

Ok, this story was to talk about me being high on life today. I feel that the last month was a bit of a fight - realizing that I was drinking too much and feeling that I had no power to stop it made me create an internal fight where no one was winning. As a friend of mine pointed out, I’ve been very emotionally unstable for a prolonged period of time. And I noticed that too; one day extremely happy and grateful of all the love I have, the next day not being able to leave my bed and feeling completely alone. I thought I was overwhelmed by everything that was happening in my life. But my life is same crazy now as it was in the past, thousands of projects, work, moving, travel plans.. it will never quiet down. 

Today marks a 5 day strike of feeling seriously good! but in such a peaceful way that I don’t remember feeling in a long time. What an accomplishment. Despite being really sick, or despite that it was raining non stop, without a ray of sun all these days. Is it related to non-drinking? 

I have no idea.

Just wanted to share.

And I hope this strike will continue and I will be able to share some more of this magical energy with you. 

[soberamy]

Day 3 is over

They say the third day of quitting an addition is the hardest one. And it is. Or maybe it is just a coincidence.

As I find myself laying in bed at 11.15 pm on a Friday night I can’t seem to wonder what is wrong with me? I should be outside socializing, having some fun. I see myself happily holding a glass of wine while having an interesting conversation. Every thought I have is very pessimistic: “It will never be the same, I will never have a deep connecting moment with people over a drunk night” - I know this is all bullshit, and I do not think this way, but these are just my thoughts this night.

To be honest, today I woke up feeling pretty sick, I slept for the most of the day, and when I was awake I was mainly eating chocolate and trying to stand on my two feet for longer than 5 minutes. At night I had a rush of energy and I was organizing my room, cleaning the floor, hanging some art.. now that I stopped, and I am in quiet again, I start to feel anxious. What do I need to do in the next days? What did I do today? What about tomorrow? Why am I sick? Why don’t I want to drink anymore? So many plans, ideas, life.. THINGS TO DO!

I see now I should plan a day of doing nothing, instead of my body breaking in sickness to keep me still. So today was a shit day, but I am about to fall asleep with a rewarding feeling - day 3 is over!

PS. I forgot to mention I also quit smoking together with the alcohol, so it will be an interesting detox. Let’s see what is awaiting in the 7 day mark. But let’s not go that far, let’s see what is awaiting for us tomorrow.

Much love from the rainy, grey and cold Rotterdam.

[soberamy]

The beginning

I am trying to find out when was the first time I thought about stop drinking. The first moment I questioned if I have a problem with alcohol.

The older I got the more this concept of ‘enjoying’ alcohol started to grow. I would buy more expensive wine, artesanal beer, and of course my collection of Mezcal became more extensive. 

Thinking about it, the first time I questioned if I had a problem with alcohol was when I started living alone, and I would find a companion in a glass of wine and a cigarette (or more). It would make me feel cool for a second. I felt I was independent and that I could deal with being alone perfectly. 

These feelings started to shift, I started to feel weak, depressed. Why do I need a substance to make me feel strong? Why after my weekly jog I would feel like all of my addictions were stupid and unnecessary, and 2 hours after I would open a beer to pass my dinner? I felt like I was betraying myself, and I had no power to stop it. 

But I decided to ignore this, and I continue with my life. This was 2 years ago, and I feel during this time it started to get worse and worse, and I just accepted it as a part of myself. 

Lately I have been feeling lost. I don’t know what I want and where I am going. I feel like I am in autopilot, while I sit back and hold a drink on my hand. I have used drugs to delay making important decisions, and to run away from what is asking for my attention. Today I feel that the only way to grow mentally, spiritually, and as a human is by not to drink. I want to stop numbing my senses, connect deeper to myself, be more present, and start building the future that I want for myself. 

I don’t know if I will stay sober forever, I just know that right now I need it. And I am full of inspiration and ideas. I don’t want to rush it. I will take it one day at a time.

Lastly, I want to share my story with alcohol, from the first years to what it is now. I am sharing it firstly for myself to understand my own story, and maybe for others to find it inspiring or to make you feel that you are not alone.