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@soberinaseaofaddicts
It’s really hard being blatantly show that you’re the odd one out. It was my plan. My night. And you somehow changed the dynamic and now I feel as though I’m the 3rd wheel. Why am I even here? To watch you rekindle a friendship that tried to push me out?
I fucking hate you. Deeply.
I’m sick of being kicked while I’m down and being unable to express how I feel and the things that bother me because anytime I ever do, you just make me feel even worse.
I’m sick of feeling like you’d rather be anywhere than with me.
I’m sick of feeling like we are so different and that it will never be peaceful because of it.
I’m sick of feeling like I do literally fucking everything and I get nothing from it.
I’m sick of feeling like you’re comfortable here, but you don’t truly love me.
I’m sick of wondering if maybe I could find real happiness elsewhere. Maybe just within myself, away from you.
I’m sick of feeling like you’re not even my friend.
I’m sick of wondering. I’m sick of feeling.
I’m sick of being.
I’m sick.
I feel like I could scream. Why do I put myself in these positions? I am miserable. I want more. I don’t think that I will ever get it and at this point I’m starting to question if I ever deserved it in the first place. I wish I could rewind time to when things made sense in my life. And is it even fair for me to be feeling this way when I have two beautiful children that came from all the mess of my life? I just know that they need to see their mother happy so that they have a guide. Maybe one day I’ll get out of this whole situation. Or maybe I’ll become comfortable enough to stop focusing on him and us, and just focus on myself. I wish I could rid myself of my expectations and stop allowing his codependency to drive this train. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel as though we are heading for derailment.
I feel like addicts are far too complacent. And not even just addicts. Someone just asked me what the point in dwelling on things is. Well, what’s the point in ignoring all of your life’s problems? Everything rolls right off your back and it must be nice to never have worries or concerns, but at the same time, where has that gotten you?
My guilt and my worries. They are what have guided me down the path that I have been on my entire life. They are my compass and they allow me to know what is right and what is wrong. They push me into action when things are wrong. It does suck being this anxious at times and maybe I do go overboard, but at least it’s utilized as a guiding factor and I’m capable of overcoming any obstacle rather than ignoring it and pretending it doesn’t exist.
I’m calling on the two of you for help right now. I feel so lost and, honestly, scared. I have been pushing my limits and I do not want to become what has always destroyed me. Doma, ever since you left I haven’t been the same. I feel like my guiding compass is gone. My lighthouse has gone dark. I am surrounded by bad influences who do not care how far I take it and I have no idea how to get out. And worse, I fear that I may have become one as well. Who the fuck am I?
There’s so much that I want to say to you and I just can’t. I’m not allowed to feel the way that I feel because I know you’re no good for me. Not anymore. So I hold it all in.. in the hopes that it will go away. How? I look at what we created every day and it fills me with a different kind of love than I have ever felt before. It also breaks my heart.
I hope I can forget this feeling.
Now I have also lost my first love, who was possibly the love of my life. My best friend and most trusted confidant. I hate addiction. I hate addiction with everything inside my being. Nobody explained to me that to love an addict was pain. I’m getting old and I’m much too tired to deal with all of this hurt. I don’t know how to process this loss. It’s been almost 5 months and my heart still aches for you. I still find myself crying for you to come back in the quietest moments of the day or night. Sometimes I blissfully forget, and then it rushes back like a kick to the stomach and I simply cannot breathe. Why did you go? I wish you didn’t have so much pain.. so much that you had to escape with drugs. So much that it has now leaked into the lives of many because you were so loved. We weren’t done Doma. There was still love left. I needed you and you left me. I just hope that wherever you are, you see how lost I feel and you miss me in the same way that I miss you. But I hope you are happy - and I mean that sincerely. You brought joy to other people and you deserve some of that too. I hope that I gave to you even half of what you’ve given me. I love you forever.
MarkE
I hate you so much right now for being taken from me. Without you, I don’t belong. You were my other half.. my twin without actually being a twin. I’m numb without your senses and I need them now to remind me that I am real.
I have a daughter now.. and sometimes she reminds me of you in the most ridiculous ways. I wish you could hold her. The one thing you were always hopeful for, of course, happened after you passed. How badly you wanted to be god father. To the point that if you had been drinking again, I would tell you no just to scare you and you would stomp around angry that I could ever allow someone else to be god father of my first child. Lol I miss you so fucking much.
I feel alone in this world now.. and when it’s time for our parents to pass.. I will be so utterly alone. How am I supposed to deal with that kind of pain without you? How am I supposed to get through it? We were supposed to grow old together and watch each other’s lives blossom. I don’t think I’ll ever stop being angry. Mostly because there’s no way in hell that I could ever think that any of this is fair. I love you my big brother.
You’re expressionless
You don’t feel
You’re careless
I’ll never be real
You have everything you need
But the warnings, you don’t heed
You’ll throw it all away
Just so the drugs can stay
My heart is conflicted
I’m not really sure what to say
My throat is constricted
When will it be the day?
I tell myself it will be okay
Things will get better if I stay
I’m living for two
I just wish you were too
I need to remember myself
I need to look forward for her
I can no longer be put on a shelf
I must ignore the emotions you stir
I feel the need to run
I’m staring down the barrel of your gun
The pain is too much
You won’t let go of your crutch
Love just isn’t enough...
I’m sorry. I need to repeat that.
I have no faith in you. 😭
This is all driving me so crazy right now. In fear of upsetting you and causing a possible relapse because, in truth, I have no faith in you.. I am also keeping in all of the pain that I am feeling. None of it is fair considering I have every right to scream and yell in your face for all of the bullshit you have put me through. I have every right to expect more.. to expect you to step up in a whole new way.. And I have every right to want to walk away, as I sometimes feel that I do.. but now there’s a third factor. One I didn’t ask for, but will love regardless. I’m exhausted. It’s only been 3 and a half days.
I’ll be okay.
I have so much deep resentment for my mother. As a 15 year old I moved out of my dads house to live with my mom because I knew she would let me do whatever I wanted.. While there I saw what addiction really was, whether I realized how fucked up it was or not. I saw needles and bags, I watched my brother shoot up, and I found out that my mom was doing it too. We became homeless because of it and I put my mom first and went with her so she wouldn't be alone even though I could have just gone back to my dads. Years later, 10 to be exact, she is still doing the same shit and so is my brother.. At 15 I was in turmoil.. I was struggling with severe depression and I was constantly out to rebel. My mother did NOTHING to help or guide me and I'm honestly saying that I have NO clue how I turned out to be who I am today. Statistics would say that I should be just like my brother.. But I made it out alive. I raised myself and I hate her for it.
Okay you know what makes me crazy? When someone who you've known forever suddenly decides that they like all the stuff you're passionate about. I'm really lame and I am obsessed with dorky stuff.. Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, and Harry Potter. Harry Potter is for sure my weakness.. It's my deepest rooted dork passion. I own so much merch, I talk about it regularly in conversation, and people just naturally buy me silly HP stuff for bday presents and what not. I even asked my boyfriend to let us have a HP themed wedding. That was a no. Anyways.. I know this person is not who they pretend they are and they've created this version of themself. I don't get it. That makes me crazy. Be you boo boo, be you. 💕👌🏻✌🏻️
me: I don't know why, but I can't stop telling people I'm going to punch them in the dick.
dad: That's my girl.
Charles Manson on the cover in 1970.