I hope I don’t come across as cowardly for coming here as an anon. But I really respected you as a person and a ler as well as your work.
You always came across so respectful (yet sadistic) and the amount of times I wished I could have a ler like you.
I hope you do address what nyx has been saying and at least clear any statements made about you. I hope there is another side to the story but if not, I hope this is a lesson
You’re not cowardly at all. Thank you for the ask.
I want to first say the outpouring of support has been wild to me. I appreciate the care that people have shown me today immensely.
I also will never ask anyone to take sides, and I’m not looking to further inflame this situation.
Yes. There was a post. There is always 2 sides to every story. I want to be clear that it was always communicated that we were tickle/kink partners. Despite her showing some sort of interest for potentially more, I made it clear we were in a kink dynamic, and we both agreed on that. I was not romantically dating anyone for the duration of our dynamic, so Nyx was a large part of my focus in my personal life for several months.
I was put in a hard spot many times because multiple partners would openly voice the way my (gushing) posts about Adi would make them feel. Dynamics were ended (and then reconnected after conversation) over the way my posts made them feel like I was prioritizing one play partner over another. That was never my intention. I truly do enjoy gushing over a play partner. I enjoy hyping up my play partners, as you all have seen. But, this caused problems several times with several partners. I voiced to them all that I was likely to delete Tumblr in an attempt to NEVER make any partner feel less than they are worth (which was incredibly highly valued by me). It wasn’t a bratty reaction from me like “you’re crazy I’m deleting tumblr” it was an attempt to protect feelings and emotions for all partners. This was an issue several times.
There’s a lot of accusations about disconnecting and being unavailable. From mid December, until sometime early in February, I did not have a single session. During that time, I also was very inactive on here and received many asks (and answered several) about my absence. I, with my partner’s knowledge of the situation, was dealing with terminal cancer and eventual death of a very dear family member. I’ve always dealt with grief, as unhealthy as it may be, by kind of shutting myself off to the world. Before the post, I had apologized to Adi and Nyx individually, and admitted that it was wrong to make them feel a lack of interest on my behalf- despite what I was going through. And, I’ll say it now, I apologize to them publicly and that wasn’t fair in any capacity. Never did I intend to make them feel less desired, but unfortunately my actions during a time of grieving did.
You all saw the endless positive write ups and posts about physical and emotional safe kink practices about me. How I was always there to talk and debrief and help them out when they needed it. There was a large supply of them, and I largely believe they were heartfelt and sincere. I understand things can change in a dynamic, and in this case, it was my fault. And, when those partners would come to me and voice their discomfort from a seemingly perceived lack of interest/focus on other dynamics- I would only attempt to reassure and validate those feelings. I have a lot of texts to prove that. Also, I highly encouraged all these play partners to connect, build friendships, and we all talked and agreed that a session together was in the works. I didn’t try to pit them against each other- in fact I tried to connect them!! I encouraged them to talk, had open communication about what a potential 3 way session would look like to them. Never did I ever try to pit them against one another.
I fell short as a play partner. I apologize to them publicly and privately for that. I was largely unavailable, and despite it being a tragic personal loss in my life, that is still unfair to them! They deserve the proper attention, and to never be left guessing if my interests/desires have changed. That’s a horrible feeling.
I’m glad there was a note about me being a safe play partner from the physical side. The emotional side, well I definitely fell short, despite it not being from malicious intent. Like I said, there was months and months of endless posts about the emotional side of friendship/kink being amazing. And, that’s just what you guys see on here. In private convos, I have endless more examples. That’s the kind of person I am, and the kind of person I will strive to be moving forward. I’m not perfect, I left play partners feeling unsure and unwanted.
Having multiple public kink dynamics requires a ton of work, and I failed at that. Did I spread myself too thin? Maybe. It was never my intention to hurt anyone, and never did I act with malice.
So many who know me more intimately have reached out and offered endless support- and I cannot thank them enough for that!! They are unwavering in their support of my character and who I am. Not perfect by any means, but trying to be a good person on the daily.
I hold no ill will. I won’t be screenshotting and posting a myriad of things to defend or attack someone’s character like I could. I’ll own up to it, keep my friends in the community, and learn to be a better communicator and better play partner!
Happy to talk with anyone about this matter.
Once again, thank you for your ask!
