I have a pap swear today. So usually Iād be worried till then cause making sure j get there on time but I have to go to Loweās! And other chores this morning so Iāll space them out for me.
Periods ending with cramps not as bad as when it started and the onions but I see how the period cramps made it worse. Period cramps feel like the top layer of muscles contracts for 1-2 maybe 3 secondsā¦.
Oh shit I did dream I just remembered I dreamt about the dogs seizure. I was in dream world and I see 3 dogs the one seizing was a brown dog not mine. I can only see the back of it. Iām getting my dogs away from it but it goes from my two dogs to 3 and my dogs are just staring wide eyed at it and me and thatās all I remember
Okay back to cramps. Then they stop. Itās waves of this.
I also didnāt eat very well yesterday. I mean Iāve been eating breakfast. I donāt usually eat breakfast cause I donāt lie to eat right away but then again I am cooking it late by 10 when some times Iām awake since 5/6.
Coffee I like. Not for the caffeine but the taste. I like that type of bitter. I like tea too but prefer to keep it for ailments and when I want to chill with tea.
Iām giving by the ceremonial chocolate a break cause last time I used it the wave circulation works I need it when I kick the bag which I have this week but I did some yoga. Period makes joints hurt a lot and yoga seemed the less impact type of thing. I mean Iām still seating but kicking the bag needed that extra energy from the chocolate. I can see why they donāt recommend so much of it. It really makes you feel kinda like a high speed train. Well to me. I can feel the circulation open. Itās not hyper feeling it just like very energized. Not like high but that increase in blood flow for me did makes me feel woozy, my head light headed, a bit dizzying. So greater reason during my period to avoid it just introduced it slowly back into my diet for that week and see how it goes? Or read more about it cause I do bleed heavy so idk how that effects period flow that isnāt blood from your veins but there still the circulation that also warms up your body temp. I just didnāt want more uncomforts.
Like this is what I mean that I donāt feel relaxed. Before period it was the dog before the dog it wasā¦ idk husband stuff. I honestly try to avoid shit. Yes the people pleasing cause it makes the home run better than having to parents always arguing making things worse or whatever. Before that it was a good week. But yes they know how their dad is. So since they can tell I canāt do much and they also kinda give in cause well easier that way. Which my oldest gets in her dad ways too and I have to kindly remind her that sheās acting like how he does. I donāt use those words exactly. Like sheās just been working and college and friends. Iām understanding I donāt say much to her choices cause in showing her the respect of an adult. When she acts like a little kid when it suits her convenience Iām being more direct.
As I told the husband Iāve been always in a sense of discipline or that Iām paranoid and feeling watched all the time. Yes from my past but isnāt my marriage the same?
But I couldnāt mention that yesterday when he was talking about flock cameras and freedom.
People donāt look at the big picture. I donāt know how Sikh people do it. How do you deal with the overwhelming heaviness of peoples actions or behaviors. Even after you let go and say you have no control and thatās not the point either. Itās as it should be. Sure itās flowing and not smoothly but eventually youāll be able to flow thru it. Iāve been attracted to these types of teaching and philosophy but itās hard to not get bothered.
Inner peaceā¦. And Iām the little raccoon guy in king fu pandaā¦. Trying to keep this inner peace that gets affected with every little microscopic offense that want me to change my thinking.
I donāt even know what this writing was gonna be about. As Iāve said before this is mostly like journal for me. I actually wouldnāt mind printing all the posts and idk rereading them and editing them. Pointing out my grammar or word usage in a big red pen. Marking off mistakes. Why? Idk fun? Iām weird.
So anyways here comes another cramp wave.
I have to water outside too.
Life feels icky rn. Idk why.
Husband had a dream about me telling him about having sex with Scott.
I say and write it like this cause he read this
( as if I donāt catch on to the commentās Fernando)
He says things out loud at times that are almost an exact match for what I wrote and Iām not gonna instigate. So I ask for further clarification and he doesnāt.
Well letās write about what he dreamt vs the actual reality.
The reality isnāt as closure providing as his dream. His dream it was like a closure of his issues with me having sex with another person and continuing so have them as friends on social media.
Iāve had insta on my phone in the hidden for a week or two now. I follow over 2000 people any of them names Scott R? Nope cause he made that clear with his interrogations from the past. He was in a good mood from his dream cause I told him what he wanted to hear.
Honestly the husband wants me to be as much chaos as he was to me. He wants I believe to hold on to somehow to have a grudge because of his past. So holding on to anything he has bad about me is how he deals with it. Yes now itās like a beat up blanket of comfort for him to still be bothered about it. Is it disrespectful? Well I understand thatās his feeling and also his responsibility to how he feel is on him. He wants to have that information that confirms what he wants to hear. Maybe I connect this with his insecurities of sex before and possible abuse he may have seen as a kid. Making sex well a source of comfort and also a source of something I canāt find the word for.
He bring up my sexuality and sexual history more than I bring up his cheating. I bring it up as Iāve written when his behaviors donāt match because that the reality I live in. I man who also shares and makes sexual ai images and video of me. Someone who for making so much whoop about my virginity wants me fucking guy after guy while e watches or also participates.
Kinda like you wanna control me. You couldnāt before and ā¦.when obsessions turn opposite to be better dealt with
I had another friend online, he told me that his wife had cheated on him heās older then I. He said she cheated with a male coworker. They had kids then. She was sorry but it affected the whole marriage. He continues married to her today. But heās in the same waves with me. We both had very similar spouses and how they did their cheating so thatās sorta bonded us as friends. I donāt talk to him often but heās really kind. Weāve been online friends like over 10 years now and one that even if I go months to years without even a hi. That doesnāt bother. We catch up and weāre cool.
But he told me that when his wife cheated he turned it into a kink. Not cause he liked the kink but he had to turn the feelings he had around. Their kids were younger when it happened. So he didnāt wanna divorce or make the kids life hard. He stayed and kept the marriage going. He was the me of their relationship.
But that kink eventually had to have its cycles of turn on turn off. Their sexual activities changed and he gave me the male perspective of when a wife cheats. Now his sex life from what I was told last is barely there due to health issues on both ends. She had a cancer scare and he has issues too.
That was months and months ago.
I think the support of someone who is also in a similar situation and handling similar helps me. Cause society says leave them. But like him and I our spouses are our friends. Our spouses were there since a young adult age. Thereās things we value in our spouses not money not life now ( they too own a home and are pay thru their kids college) but the time we invested into the relationship the value we have for the actual fun and good times. Also the sense of duty.
Anyways so if he can do it so can I and have been. Sure I gotta be the flexible one but it is what it is.
So back to before this part I bring up the cheating when I feel the behavior when I see the distraction. I fear I will always be in constant state of ā Fernando is cheatingā have it been online or person.
I feel that feeling is equal to his state of
ā she liked fucking those guysā
Cause how he makes comments theyāre exaggeratedā¦ se pasa, donāt you? Nandoā¦
I am writing this with a sense that he reads this or has someone else tell him. Thatās also part of what doesnāt help my paranoia. He makes the comments but leave them open.
So Iām his dream I tell him I had sex with Scott twice and more.
We had sex once, it wasnāt good, it was front seat of the mustang he had that he got from family. He kept talking the whole time. I canāt say lt was memorableā¦why? Cause that same night the husband had or took someone elseās car.
I wonder if he remembers this detail. He barrows someoneās elseās car to stay parked along side my parents home and stalks me. He comes up on us and then goes to my house and makes a scene. We then go Scot and I into my parent him all this at 10-12pm. My sister has to go out to talk to the him cause he made an emotional scene and crying and idk.
The whole night was a fucking nightmare. There was nothing positive to remember or any memorable. I even felt sorry an ashamed and embarrassed. For everyone cause he had to stalk me about this new guy.
When he was the one who broke up with me to be with Christine. He wanted the two girl thing he wanted girls to want him and that he could just throw me away.
So for years I had to deal with all that packaged up with his hate towards me over sex and he only focused on the sex only the sex what kinda sex how did it feel how did his dick look I must have been more than once cause I was already giving all the sexual attention he wanted he needed to have more attention and I was still his.
So yea his dream of me just being clear and open is his mind still going thru all that maybe he finally dropping it. While for me each time still feel painful. What kinda keep my feeling on his cheating behavior active. What keep me in hyper awareness about him. He broke me along time ago.
I see myself as a hard material. Pliable but Iām hardened. I need to be soaked like clay.
I donāt even know why Iām crying right now.
Anyways his dream he said felt real and he was in good mood. It left me upset cause I am the real
Person who lives all that and to live or actually have a spouse that doesnāt count your sexual past even tho itās been exaggerated to like ive been doing porn style fucking since I wa what a kid? Cause the husband sure makes it sound like like thatās the only type of sex I do cause that what he gets now. So he compared me to being the same Person.
I will never know how that feels to have a spouse who doesnāt hold judgement. Humans arenāt like that. We need to discipline ourselves to avoid hurting others. We can only judge ourselves and that also means humility and being humble most of all respect for others and that we all do actions have be good or bad.
The moment we apply some kinda authority or that it makes us act with some kinda control we loose the ability to show each other real love. Other wise itās one sided and from
My experience the person being show the most love for doesnāt accept or appreciate it.
Ughā¦.. I didnāt wanna be crying rn but whatever I got errands and shit to do
