So the floor still not done we’re literally just a few steps from finishing.
Due to this the husband was talking about getting a miter saw. At first I was hesitant cause where is gonna go we I didn’t think we have the space. But he said he needs one and I agree it be nice to have a tool that can cut the baseboards and much more. I could use it too. So I wasn’t opposed to it.
He was even looking at harbor freight so cheaper but good enough for the job. He even said for father’s day. So I took it as seriously cause he talked about over the last couple weeks. I was excited to go buy one. So not that the kids are done with class my next priority was father day. I plan for these thing sometimes even 3 month ahead. I HAVE BEEN for years now. For 18 yrs to be exact.
Because it’s important. But the husband doesn’t think my gratitude is enough. It’s shown over the years. But that fine I don’t need it to be. Like once you do some nice for someone even if they don’t receive it as such it is what it is.
Like how I told my son yesterday who got upset he couldn’t stay later at school for DnD cause we had his sister graduation. He wanted to cry. The thing is with kids as they get older they need to have experience disappointments. Part of these things is when your feeling sad or feel bad that’s when you gotta look at the perspective and also what’s around you. He may not have played DnD for the last time but he went to see background with a group of friends outside of school, that there is way more fun in my opinion. You got to hang outside of school. For kids like me when I was a middle schooler I didn’t have that option at all. Movies were t as often as my kids. I didn’t go with friends it would end up with my parents say no cause of my nephews that I had to watch them.
My childhood was helping with the kids. So for my son to go and hang it important to me. I want him to be a kid. So it’s about questioning that entitlement and being grateful for what has happened.
So my form of gratitude is like this. Yea others have it worse and sometimes not. Same goes for one. He got over his upset. Another example is when I paid for my oldest fuel injector fluid. She’s been using her credit card a lot. To teach a young adult better ways is to sometimes stop and make that change. Like I told her you’ve been making payments and you’re good but if you don’t have 10 bucks in cash for pay for something that’s 6.99 don’t use your credit card. I paid for it. Either way 6.99 not that bad of a purchase price for something that’s she’s gonna put in her car to help her. The husband on the other hand got mad or questioned what I got at auto zone and i told him it was out daughters car thing. I told him at the graduation that I paid for her thing. He then got quiet. I don’t know if he got upset over it but it’s financial literacy. As if I’m not gonna tell my kids to be better with their spending.
She is also learning gratitude.
I think the husband thinks gratitude is praise and thank you thank you and attention to the person who just gave you this as if it’s something to beg for. Idk as he says “ it’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission” I don’t agree. Permission is bravery at times and permission is control too. Forgiveness can be done but it doesn’t mean things are back to the same. He’s a good example of that. Our relationship is a great example of that. Sure forgave him but doesn’t mean he’s gained trust.
So back to the tool I wanted to purchase. Not only was it in sale but because the box was damaged I could have gotten additional 20% off so an item that was 270 down to 170. Out the door.
So I said I tried. It didn’t make sense to me.
I questioned his no that he would get it later cause it’s in sale so you wanna pay the full non sale price that get closer to 300? For why?
He’s kept saying no and that I guess didn’t wanna deal with me and this tool thing. But mind you he wants to go buy a gun. I mean if he does it’s the price of the full price miter saw or a bit more. I’m
Not complaining what he wants to do with his money but I was helping. But he said to stop. That he was trying ? Trying what? Idk trying to be calm? Why is this getting you upset?
Anyways it would’ve been fucking awesome to buy it on sale. I like sales I like cheap I like practical.
But idk he’s just in a mood again.The oldest acknowledged it too.
So idk what is going on with him.
This is the behavior that confuses me a lot his up and down moods and I’ve been getting dejavú and like I’ve been in this feeling before with him lately. So maybe his what I believe is link to unchecked bipolar is something that’s been there since he was a teen and I just got used to it and molded by and and now that I’m as the therapist said developed more over time on who I know who I am I’m noticing it more and it’s like screaming at me.
But why why do I keep to him?
Familiarity and I thing I’m Interested curiously and his psyche. I was thinking about him well when aren’t I but I was deeply pondering his ways of thinking and found I do find his moods interesting like scientific like interesting.
I study people and he’s been I think my biggest thing to study on mood behavior and action. I think he’s my base foundation? I had a better way of explaining it yesterday when I in deep thought. I hate that I tell my self to write it as I’m thinking but I forget to.
Anyways I don’t fucking understand my husband I don’t know who I’m married to I guess now.
But intuitively something off and I’m not the only one noticing. 
