Iâm back on my bullshit
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Kiana Khansmith

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@sofkndeadx
Iâm back on my bullshit
Trauma's fun little side effect of convincing you that you're overreacting comes with its own fun side effect that I don't see talked about very often.
Like one of those awful times you find yourself craving for more terrible things to happen to you.
You start with feeling stupid about being traumatised. You feel like you're overreacting, like what you went through "wasn't bad enough" and that you "have no right to feel this way."
And when there's the slightest possibility for more trauma, emotional or otherwise? A tiny part of you wishes for it to happen.
Walking down the streets at night? Maybe there's a creep waiting for me at the turning. Dog needs surgery? Maybe he won't wake up from it. Friend feeling suicidal? Maybe they'll go through with it. Family member's chest hurts? Maybe it's a heart attack. Empty threats from neighbouring country? Maybe it'll lead to a war. Stranger just standing on top of a building, minding their own business? Maybe you'll watch them fall.
And it sucks, it sucks so much, because you wind up feeling horribly guilty about feeling this way. That "disgusting" 0.001% of you that sort of hopes your loved ones would be hurt or would pass away or something makes you feel like a heartless, soulless monster.
You start feeling self centred, start loathing yourself for wishing pain on someone else, just so you'd get to feel grief or agony like you crave. You start to feel downright evil.
Let this post be a reminder for you to stop feeling guilty.
Because this isn't you putting your own feelings over someone else's well-being. This isn't you wishing the worst on someone. This isn't proof that you're a bad person.
This is you dealing with your trauma. This is your brain being so warped by something outside your control that it's making you think things you wouldn't be caught dead thinking about, if you weren't traumatised.
This is you wishing pain upon yourself. Not your friends. Not your family.
Yourself.
This is you being so exhausted with having your trauma-related pain invalidated again and again and again (by yourself, or by others) that you hope for something traumatising to happen to you again, so you'll finally be "allowed" to feel the pain you're feeling already.
You are not the person your trauma makes you out to be. You are not a monster.
Stop treating yourself like one.
One of the worst feelings ever is being in your own house and feeling like you need to go home.
i am seeing everyone hitting their gwâs and then there is just me still at my fucking starting weight fuck
dana emmanuelle-jean nozime
i canât wait to be pretty. i canât wait to be pretty. i canât wait to be pretty. i canât wait to be pretty. i canât wait to be pretty. i canât wait to be pretty. i canât wait to be pretty. i canât wait to be pretty. i canât wait to be pretty. i canât wait to be pretty. i canât wait to be pretty. i canât wait to be pretty. i canât wait to be pretty. i canât wait to be pretty. i canât wait to be pretty. i canât wait to be pretty. i canât wait to be pretty. i canât wait to be pretty. i canât wait to be pretty. i canât wait to be pretty. i canât wait to be pretty. i canât wait to be pretty. i canât wait to be pretty. i canât wait to be pretty. i canât wait to be pretty. i canât wait to be pretty. i canât wait to be pretty. i canât wait to be pretty. i canât wait to be pretty. i canât wait to be pretty. i canât wait to be pretty.
Good Habits to Enforce in Yourself
I had a post like this on my old profile before it got deleted, so Iâm kind of improving it and lengthening it for a repost. These are good ways to take care of yourself as best as you can, things that over time will help you develop more of a love and care for yourself. By putting in extra effort to take care of your body you will subconsciously grow to love yourself a little more. Through this nurture, blooms love and care.Â
Skin:
1) Do some research to find out your skin type. Once you figure that out, research some tips to work with it. I have dry skin, so my routine involves a lot of moisture and brightening products, and I had to stop using products with acne medications because they dry the hell out of my skin.Â
If you have oily skin, youâll want to use your acne product and then add moisture, because if you donât your skin will begin to dry and will try to overcompensate by creating too much oil. Be careful with the products you use as well, make sure you use products that are made with good ingredients. You donât want to try a new product all over your face and have one of the ingredients cause a horrible flare up. This takes time, but once you figure out what products and routine works for you, it will really change how you feel about your complexion.
2) Invest in one of those big brushes and use it to gently brush your skin. This will help your blood circulation, and will not only brighten your skin, but it will also relax you.
3) Use SPF 30 or higher. You donât need anything higher than SPF 50 because studies have shown that it really doesnât do much for you after that, but do use sunscreen to protect from the harmful rays not just outside, but inside as well if youâre exposed to the rays. Sun damage not only causes melanoma, but also will accelerate your aging process, cause wrinkles, make your skin texture leathery, and all other kinds of issues. Thereâs sunscreen lotions for full body with coconut oil in it that donât have that awful pool smell as well, and Iâve found it to be a pleasure to use.Â
4) Drink good fluids. Iâm sure all of you drink enough water to drown a fish, but donât just drink water. Adding lemon will give it a nice taste, help you feel more satisfied, and the citrus is very good for your complexion. Drinking a cup of water when you wake up is a good way to flush out the gastric fluid buildup in your system, and will also help wake you up. Avoid drinks with lots of processed sugars like juice and soda. Calories in drinks are often overlooked, and are a huge part of gaining large amounts of weight.
5) Try to be asleep between 11 pm and 4 am. The cell turnover rate is highest during this time, so try to be asleep so your skin can renew itself properly.
6) Take collagen supplements and get plenty of Vitamin C. These are super nutrients for a glowing complexion.Â
7) Never go to bed without removing makeup or taking a cloth with some micellar water and wiping your face. There is so much gunk that gets into your skin by not doing this itâs disgusting. Do your skin a favor and take the extra few to wash this stuff off.Â
8) Eat more fatty foods like fish, nuts, and avocados. Lots of people donât like fish, so taking fish oil tablets is perfectly fine as well. A half an avocado or a handful of almonds makes a great snack that will nourish your skin. These being high in fats, however, are also high in calories. Donât gorge yourself or youâll see some chub developing on you, despite how healthy it is.Â
9) Work up a sweat. Sweating gets rid of toxins from your body and exercise is just healthy in general. Make sure you immediately remove the clothes you wore though or itâll trap in the sweat and cause a rash or breakout.Â
Hair:
1) Refrain from using shampoo more than a few times a week, as this dries your scalp and can cause flaking and itchiness.
2) Use a hair mask weekly. Use one that is suited for your hairâs needs. Personally, I use hair masks with avocado or coconut because they bring in a lot of moisture which wavy hair requires. If you have a dandruff problem, use a mask with tea tree or eucalyptus, something that will clarify. Just experiment and find what works.
3) Braid your hair before sleeping or wear a cap. Cotton sheets not only absorb and suck out moisture in your skin and hair, but it also causes needless breakage and frizziness.Â
4) Use a wet brush or wide toothed comb when your hair is wet. Your hair is very elastic and weak when wet, and these items bend better around knots and are more gentle than a regular brush.
5) Let conditioner sit for a few minutes before washing.Â
6) Just as you would with your skin, research your hair and how to properly take care of it. Someone with very fine hair would never employ the same technique as someone with very tightly coiled hair.Â
7) Use a leave in conditioner. A hair oil or cream to let sit after styling or while drying will leave your hair looking shiny and soft.
8) As with skin, fatty foods are incredibly beneficial for hair. Also eat plenty of dark leafy greens.Â
9) If you use heat on your hair, make sure you use a heat protectant. This is very important for preventing spit ends and breakage.Â
10) Use a scrunchie to tie your hair. Donât use hair ties with those metal attachments and by God if you use a straight rubber band (not those tiny ones meant for your hair but I mean the office supply shit) I will smack you.
Teeth:
1) Make flossing and mouthwash your new best friends. Use a mouthwash that has no alcohol after a good floss. Protect those pearly whites.
2) Refrain from processed sugars and sodas.Â
3) Donât brush your teeth within an hour of eating. This rubs off your enamel.
4) Take calcium supplements if you donât get much from your diet. Calcium is pretty important for building bones and teeth, helping your immunity, and binding different molecules in your body. Donât skimp out on it.Â
Nails:
1) File once a week. This will keep them looking neat and you can shape them however you please.
2) Use vitamin E oil. Vitamin E oil is great for hangnails, and will give your nails a stronger, healthier appearance. Massaging it into your nails every night will make them look well kept and perfectly prepped for polish.
3) Wear gloves when cleaning. Household cleaners will eat away and weaken your nails.
4) Donât bite them.
5) After removing nail polish, allow your nails a few days to recuperate without any polish. This will keep them from getting brittle and possibly breaking.Â
General:
1) Keep your body moving. You donât have to exercise an hour a day to keep fit. By keeping your legs moving occasionally and going on walks outside every day, you can lower your stress and itâs low impact if you have health issues or have been restricting and insist on getting some kind of exercise.
2) Practice good posture. Practice walking with something on your head if youâd like. Sitting and standing with good posture will tighten your core, improve your focus, improve your spine health, and even burns more calories. Youâll appear more confident and feel more confident.Â
3) Pay attention to your diet and what goes into your body. You donât have to go vegetarian or vegan to eat clean. Just focus on putting nutritious food into your body and avoid greasy, processed junk. Proper nutrition is pretty important, and no matter how much you work out you canât avoid the damage being done by eating junk all the time.Â
4) Do stretches in the morning when you wake up. Loosen up your body and improve your flexibility while your at it. Just a few stretches, a couple minutes, very easy.
5) Make your bed when you wake up. A great way to start your day off right and just makes your room appear neater.
6) Reserve about a half hour to an hour before your planned bed time to destress. Stretch yourself, put on some music, dim the lights, etc. Get yourself in the mindset to sleep. Improve your quality of sleep to improve your overall health.
I am at the highest weight I have EVER been at and I have never hated myself more :)
Welp, I spoke too soon, Iâm even heavier and deeper in self hate đâđ˝