Nightmares in reality 2/28/24
I had a somewhat contained mental breakdown today.
Like I entirely lost my cool. For a fraction of a second I lost any filter and suppression I had left, which had been wearing down more and more anyway. But I still managed to contained a large portion of it all, which I actually kind of regret. But it’s imminent. The countdown seems to be never ending.
If this doesn’t prove to me that I need to stop holding myself back and bottling up my issues, I don’t know what will.
I’m finding it easier to totally break apart and put myself back together, rather than just trying to navigate through being broken.
Trying to build upon an unstable and disorganized foundation, just means more shit that’s going to fall apart when that foundation inevitably caves in.
I think I need to fully start over and rebuild. Instead of just being constantly on the mend and trying in vain to repair something that can’t be fixed, but also can’t be ignored.
But first I need to fully destroy and level things, then blueprint and build from the ground up.
A lot of metaphorically speaking, but it’s the only way I can make it make sense typing it out.
Maybe this is the calm before the storm, but it possibly could be the clearing and clarity after the storms destruction. That I’m not too sure of yet. But I do know, despite the breakdown, it’s not to the full extent. I haven’t fully unleashed myself and gone totally feral and unhinged…yet. But it’s coming and I already have a vague idea of the outcome.
Either I am going to be completely destroyed and cease to exist, or I’m going to have a fresh start. Dramatic outcomes, but I think it’s true.
I’ve already been beyond my limit for awhile now and I can’t stand the “ticking” sounds from the countdown. I can’t stand being in my own skin. I can’t stand my own voice. My own appearance. My thought process. I honestly don’t even know what I even remotely like about myself anymore. Or at the bare minimum what I can stand about myself anymore.
I really wish I could take someone, and my cat, my son, and a few constants that mean the most to me, go somewhere where no one knows me and I don’t know anyone, and just start completely over. I crave normalcy, safety, security, and self respect, I’m just unsure how to make it happen for myself. These past couple years have been the most lost I’ve ever felt in my entire life. And considering my past, previous issues, bad choices, life decisions, and dynamics, the fact im feeling more lost than I’ve ever felt before, speaks volumes.
It speaks volumes. It’s so loud. But I have no idea what it even says.
Between the breakdowns, isolation episodes, manic highs and lows, medications being started and stopped, hard and fast decisions, back and forth thoughts, relationship ups and downs, people coming into my life, only to leave, retracted plans, being put on a pedestal and then shoved off of it, sleeping too much to not sleeping at all, the lucid nightmares, holding myself prisoner after allowing someone else to keep me captive for so long, gaining perspective and advice only to just lose it somewhere along the way, being desired sexually but not personally, the shutdowns, the start overs, the constant pressure, the lack of physical affection, the desire for a situation only to realizeI just can’t handle it, gaining weight, losing weight, eating too much to not eating at all, financial ruin and instability, trying to learn what my own autonomy means and how to keep it alive, trying to learn how to keep myself alive, the goals, hopes and dreams that are just right out of my reach; I crave just maybe 10 minutes of total clarity and control. That “ah-ha!” Moment where everything just clicks and makes sense, and whatever doesn’t make sense can be mended.
I feel like I’ve been waiting for that small minuscule moment of time, while having all the time in the world for it to happen, and it just never comes. Only false hope and a false sense of being so close to clarity but just out of reach, only to realize maybe it wasn’t even there at all in the first place.
I don’t know what I’m trying to gain by writing this, other than getting all of this out of my head. But that’s temporary at best. It’s always in my head. It’s always conflicting, just like my words and actions. Conflicting confusion. And all I want to do is just make myself make sense but I’m at a loss of how to do just that.
I have endless words, but I think that might be all I have. Throwing them together in a futile attempt to gain insight and self prospective.
When what I really need is self acceptance, self respect, and self preservation, but having absolutely no essence or trace of self love seems to be holding me back from absolutely everything. I can’t find myself. I can’t recognize myself. But most of all, I can’t stand myself.
I just want to be safe, secure, confident, and assertive, but I have absolutely no idea where to even begin to be on that path. Hence my previous thoughts of completely destroying and rebuilding. Getting rid of my foundations instead of trying to reinforce them. But again. I’m unsure how exactly to go about that without taking myself out entirely.
I just don’t know right now. I fully recognize that I don’t know a god damn thing. And maybe that’s where Ive needed to start. I’m too lost in myself, when I need to just lose myself entirely. Separate from myself. Get over myself. Maybe I’m thinking too much and too hard. Maybe it’s way more simple than I’ve managed to make over complicated. I really just….don’t know.
One thing I do know however,
I need out of my head, and I need to take a step back, it’s quickly getting dangerous and a bit out of control.
I don’t expect anyone to read this, I don’t even know why I posted this, maybe to come back to later and try to reform my mindset accordingly. Maybe someone will read this and can relate somehow. I don’t know. I just know I use tumblr as basically a written diary and it’s the most cathartic when I do.
And I crave catharsis more than any drug I’ve ever done.
@bbygirlbambi
If nothing else, you know I can relate all too well to all of this.
Secondly, did I not teach you anything?? Or did you not retain any of the information I've given you?
In either case, I would like for you to message me whenever you feel the need to. I'm sorry I've been absent as of late, but I assure you, I've my reasons.
I still love you, and always will, my lost little Bambina
