Lost Dreams

She/Her // INFP

[firesidecottage]

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[happyheidi]

ig: lagunayoshiro

[ur-daily-inspiration]

[l-e-y-d-i-deactivated20230218]

𝑓𝑖𝑛𝑎𝑙 𝑑𝑎𝑦𝑠 𝑜𝑓 𝑠𝑢𝑚𝑚𝑒𝑟 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑐𝑎𝑛 𝑓𝑒𝑒𝑙 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑣𝑖𝑏𝑒 𝑓𝑟𝑜𝑚 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑠𝑒 𝑝ℎ𝑜𝑡𝑜𝑠🍃

[fruitandflowercrowns]

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[soft-fae]

Tuesday, 06-09-2022 - turntables

You said “I love you”

So long of putting it off, pushing me away, pretending it wasn’t real, making me feel like I was insane for hoping - and you finally, actually said it.

Where the hell do we go from here?

[soft-fae]

Thursday, 24-08-2022 - I can’t dream of you anymore

It seems counterproductive to be writing these again. A lot has happened in the last few months, the most prominent being the complete and total severance of whatever we had left.

For months we danced around each other, laughing and crying and hurting with each and every interaction. The highest of highs, the depths of which still claw at my very core. Finally, once it all came down in the most spectacularly dramatic fashion yet, you said you couldn’t take it anymore. How I begged, I pleaded, for you. How you resisted, in your chaotic, unpredictable way. You pulled me in for a hug, tender and sweet, agreeing that you cared for me far too much to let go, then unceremoniously shoved me off the the closest cliff face.

It’s strange, though. I’m sad, I’m devastated, I still see you in every star in the sky. I breathe you in whenever I wear the perfume I saved for you. I hear your laugh at every stupid joke you’ve told me a dozen times. Even with all of this, I know, I feel, that you won’t be back this time. Yet, somehow, I haven’t cried. All of this frustration, all of this grief, and I haven’t been able to cry for you since that one final time in your arms. Stranger yet, you aren’t in my dreams. All the fantastical adventures in the world, and my mind can’t comprehend having you there.

It’s scary. I have clung to the memory of you so desperately every time I thought I wouldn’t see you again. Now, in this moment when it feels far more painfully real than any other, with the full knowledge that I will not see you again, I can only continue on with my life, like you wanted, in agonising silence.

[etherea1ity]

[soft-fae]

Saturday, 28-05-2022 - Nightmare of the ego

I had a dream of you last night. My mind concocted this version of you, specifically designed to break my heart.

You had found someone else - a lovely girl, who was beautiful and cheerful. When you were together, everybody knew that you were meant to be. You did all of the things you would never do for me, without her even asking. Dressing up for her, taking her out on dates, actively introducing her to your friends, your mum, making sure your dog didn’t jump and bite and tear at her clothes. You gave her flowers, not because she asked for them or “earned” them, but because you wanted to make her happy. You told her you loved her, and you backed it up with your actions. You weren’t ashamed to call her your girlfriend.

You drove her around and took her to our spots, you talked for hours about anything and everything while you sat in the places we’d wordlessly claimed as ours. You soiled them with your newfound joy, which was actually real and pure, not put-on in the hopes of making me jealous. Because you’d moved on from me. I was nothing to you but the crazy bitch of an ex that you didn’t care for or ever want to see again.

You had a smile on your face, one that wouldn’t falter or flinch, even when you saw me, because you were just so content.

Since waking up, I’ve been thinking about what it really means. The way you looked at her, the way you used to look at me, is etched into my mind. My heart hasn’t stopped aching.

The dream showed me everything that I had always wanted from you. Maybe it showed me these things to remind me of why we could never work out - because I was willing to accept a life with you where I would never get them. It showed me how I resent you. I resent you for making me love you, when you only ever did the bare minimum for me, but made sure I knew you were capable of so much more if I behaved well enough and earned it.

I don’t know if you’ll ever be the person I saw - selfless, determined to make someone else happy, making yourself accountable, being at peace. Part of me wants that for you, but another, far more wounded part doesn’t want to see it. The broken part of me that thinks that if you became that person for someone else, then it’s because I was the issue - I just wasn’t good enough.

[queenmoriarty]

a place where hidden secrets lie

[happyheidi]

[soft-fae]

Wednesday, 13-04-2022 - Observations from a blind woman

I’ve come to notice something in your now permanent absence. Although I miss you, and I understand all the lyrics in every song about heartache, it has given me time to think.

I spend time with people all day. At work, at home, at friends’ houses, I’m never alone. I haven’t known true quiet since you left, I’ve been blessed with a cacophony of voices and shoulders. Although I’m grateful for their care, others seem to steal moments of comfort and privacy. It’s made me realise the difference with you - perhaps the reason I was drawn to you is because you were a void. Someone I could focus on to get away from everything else. Other people take my time, but I was so eager to give it to you.

Maybe it was that willingness, that need for me to share my time, my energy, with you, that made it feel like I was robbing you of yours.

Not that any of it matters, now. Just an observation.

[golden-autumn]

[cottaqecore]

elle perrucci

[soft-fae]

Saturday, 05-03-2022 - Raindrops keep falling on my head

It’s storming again tonight.

We’re so close, it would take us just a few minutes to walk to each other from here. For the last few days, though, you’ve been further away than ever.

You’ve cut me off. Not because you want to, you said, because you need to get your head straight. Just for a while. Deleted my number, removed me as a friend, blocked my Snapchat. You didn’t give me a timeline, you didn’t give me any real warning. One phone call, one text message, and now it’s like I’m a stranger.

I cried the first night. I was outside when we spoke. The rain clouds had parted for the first time in days and all I could see were the stars in the night sky. The same stars that brought us together a year ago, but this time I was looking at them completely alone.

The last few nights I haven’t been able to sleep. I’m either riddled with anxiety or distracting myself from my emotions with mind-numbing screen-time.

Tonight, though, it wasn’t enough. Emotions have a funny way of breaking through, eventually. I think it’s the vagueness of it all. You may never talk to me again, or you may text me in a couple of days to carry on like usual, or you may call me up in a couple of weeks just to say goodbye. Who knows? Neither of us do.

[soft-fae]

Tuesday, 22-02-2022 - Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday

Less than a week later and we’re in each other’s arms again. Speeding towards each other, risking life and limb to kiss at 22:22.

You suggested it so late, but it was you who suggested it. Of course I jumped at the opportunity and we rushed to an undefined meeting spot. We didn’t make it in time, but spending the evening with you afterwards was worth the spontaneous road trip.

For what felt like a light and easy time, we talked about some hard topics. Do I still love you? Why? How do you feel about me?

We pulled over and finally rested - you in my back seat, me on the floor with my head on your chest - and my heart soared higher than ever.

Of course I still love you. How could I not? When we’re like this I’m reminded of every sweet thing, of every kindness. And you feel the same.

Even though I don’t believe in these things, I’d heard that today was a powerful day for wishes. Even though I never said it aloud, my heart wished for you. I’m grateful we could spend this special time together. Regardless of what tomorrow brings, we will always have tonight.

[soft-fae]

Wednesday, 16-02-2022 - Every time I see you feels like it will be the last

I’m sitting on your bed right now. You’re in the other room, working, while your dog wanders about between us. This is the first time I’m writing to you while I’m really here with you, not miles away after the fact.

It’s so hard to describe how I’m feeling right now. There are no pretty words to describe this heartache.

Last night was the hardest night of my entire life. The stakes of every wrong action I’ve ever taken were driven into my heart, one after the other, the anguish from your mouth coming back to hammer them each in even harder.

I lied for months about something that I wanted to forget, but that ultimately ended up deeply hurting you. Because of that you believe you’ll never be able to trust me again. You won’t want to trust me again.

You think that the only reason I’m attached to you is because I’m a wounded dog who found a slightly less abusive owner. I’m a coward who has never said or done anything for anyone else unless it benefits me in some way. All of the things we did together weren’t real, my emotions weren’t genuine. I’m a hypocrite who weaponised my emotions against you to make you feel awful just for the sake of it. If I really cared about you I would just stop talking to you. No amount of remorse or promises of action will change it. Nothing I ever do or say could ever make it ok.

Each minute that ticked over was an inch closer to a cliff. I have never wanted to die more than I did last night. To know that something I did hurt you this much is agonising. My mind is still flashing back to the anger, the despair on your face. Knowing that it’s all because of me hurts me more than anything. God, I would tear out my own heart if it meant you would never feel that way again.

The other terrifying part is that right now we’re behaving like it didn’t happen. We cuddled as soon as we got home, you cracked jokes on your break, when I fell asleep with the blinds open you quietly closed them and made sure not to wake me. I’m going to help you pack this afternoon so you can move some things to storage. Just now, as I was writing this, you called me in to share in your work for a moment. You were so happy about it.

Are these moments of normalcy a facade? As much as I want to find comfort in them and think that they mean we can move on, move past this at some point, I know that for now we can’t. You’re still in pain, I’m still in pain, and every time the subject of lying comes up, the wounds will reopen.

Where can we possibly go from here?