i was wondering why i feel so triggered suddenly and just
i started therapy a few days ago and it brought up a lot of stuff obviously but. i’m just now getting hit with vivid flashes of therapy Before - i havent thought about it really in years and i don’t remember why but i was in therapy as a kid, once after the split? r around then, and once... earlier, i think, and i had forgotten and it seems so innocuous but? i don’t know. nobody would understand if i tried to explain it so i won’t bother even though this blog is For Me i don’t like the idea of anyone reading it and not understanding what i want to say and coming away with their own ideas on the topic or on what i said, and that doesn’t happen with conversations since it can be continued etc but this post can’t really in the same way so i have like, one shot to be understood
anyway. there’s some Stuff and it’s uncomfortable and i don’t remember what the therapy was about, or, well, i do: the one around the time they split was just that, but i think it was maybe related to [redacted for privacy issues] because there are some vivid spots of the questions they asked, and i remember having this strangely foreign grown-up knowledge of like, what was happening? wrt the therapy methods, at least, like i’d read it in a book and knew what the answers were which makes no sense because i was like 6 at the time so that leads me to being like, coached, and i know i lied. and god i shouldn’t remember this so clearly but i do!
the other one was just... idk. i think it was behavior stuff. i remember play sand, and sitting in a waiting room while She Who Gave Birth was in the room w. the therapist, i guess she talked to her on her own? and my legs weren’t long enough to touch the ground, and it was lonely and boring and distinct and odd
i want to talk about this but again the fear of being misunderstood about something so scary and intimate is not great so i’ll leave off here because there’s really nobody to chat about it with i think since it’s heavy and unfair
