Terf4Terf/Dates To Watch Out For FAQ
Given the amount of questions I’ve gotten, the amount of guidelines I’ve needed to flesh out, and the rampant misinformation being spread, I thought this would be a good idea. If there’s something you think should be on here, let me know.
What is this? Terf4Terf, or Dates To Watch Out For, is a radical feminist social and dating platform. It was created in the wake of making this post and getting a lot of responses from people who said they would also benefit from such a service. It is a free, female-only page for radical/lesbian/gender critical/Marxist/2nd wave/etc feminists to meet in a space where they can be open about their politics and form connections with those who share their politics. Female trans people are also allowed in this space, but in order to honor the intentions of a female-only space, alternative pronouns such as he or they will not be used.
Do you require a nude video to join? Absolutely not. This was a (possibly willful) misunderstanding of my requesting a video as proof of femaleness. What I actually meant: a clothed video where I can see you, hear your voice, see some proof that you are the actual creator of the video such as a sign with your email address and the date on it, and watch you make a quesadilla.
Is there an age requirement? Yes, you must be 18 or older. This is enforced via self-report, which is obviously not foolproof, but if it’s good enough for other dating websites and hardcore pornography sites, I would seriously question the motives of someone claiming that I need to have a higher standard.
Will anyone see my email address or the video I send? No, I will be the only person to see them. Any information you post on the page is your choice–I will never require photos, names, or any personal information other than age and location to be posted.
I’m self-conscious/socially anxious/don’t have a means of taking videos, can I still join? Yes, provided you can give me some alternative proof of femaleness. Legal documents cannot be used for this, as they can be changed in many places without any indication (I would not pass this test, as a detransitioned woman whose legal sex is still male, for example). Send me your idea for how you might do this, or ask me about it and we can come up with something together. I will not add anyone I’m not convinced is female.
How do we know you’re female? If you have concerns about this, please contact me via email or PM.
What are the complete and finalized requirements for joining? You must be 18 or older and submit some sort of proof of femaleness (the video option is preferred unless there’s a compelling reason to do it a different way). You must either have proof of radical politics, such as a blog or a Facebook or Reddit profile that is provably yours which contains evidence of radical politics (in the case of Facebook, this could be through posts in radical feminist groups), posted prior to 5/25/16, or a reference from someone who is demonstrably a radical feminist. You can send this information to [email protected].
How secure is this site? I am running the page through a third-party website, so I cannot personally vouch for the security of the site. However, the page is invite-only, and anyone who is not personally approved and added by me cannot see any posts or other information other than a generic “you must be approved to view this, message the admin for approval” message. You are not required to list an email address on your account (although for password recovery purposes I would recommend that you do). I am also not making the identity of the host site public, and it is not searchable on Google.
You can’t tell a person’s sex just by looking at them! I would say at least 90% of the time this is untrue. It is true that there are many trans people who “pass” in their everyday lives. However, this is usually to people who are not as familiar with trans individuals, and who are not scrutinizing them specifically to find out their sex. As someone who was heavily involved in trans spaces for a third of my life, I would say my accuracy for this is pretty good, and where it falls short, the other requirement–proof of radical politics–should be sufficient to screen people out.
Why do you use female pronouns only if you allow trans men in? Because this is female-only space. If someone is uncomfortable being referred to as female, I respect that and would never force someone to use those words or allow others to, but in that case this space would likely not be something they would want to take part in anyway. In most contexts, I have no issue with using someone’s preferred pronouns, however in the context of a radical, female-only page, I feel it is important to leave language which obfuscates sex at the door. This is my compromise for allowing gender-critical trans folks in, while still preserving the intention of the space.
I’m a straight woman. Can I join? Yes, this page is for friendship as well as dating.
I don’t like the word TERF. I’ve had a couple people say this–my intention in using the term is absolutely tongue in cheek, as a play on t4t, and I don’t expect that everyone who uses the page identifies themselves as a TERF. At this point in the process it doesn’t make sense for me to change the name, since 1. it’s all over Tumblr now and 2. I would have to make an entirely new page and re-add everyone. If it makes you more comfortable, you can use the byline “Dates To Watch Out For” to refer to it instead.
I hate you and I think you should die! That’s nice. Please don’t make your threats credible, lawsuits sound like a hassle.
