I am struggling to find reason to want to be alive. Everything has been monotony and pain lately. This is a space I’ve been stalling in. Even when I was Healthy™️ I still struggled so much mentally.
I made an agreement with my body. If I’m going to be here, I need to feel baseline level good in my body. If I can get there, the rest is manageable. I will do the mental work, the social work, the physical work of relating with more skill. I need to feel good as a baseline in my body though. I want us to live harmoniously. It’s hard to articulate the amounts of pain I’ve been feeling. It feels shameful to even say, like how is it possible to feel that bad for that long?
New age spirituality says I’ve done this to myself. It’s programmed with a shame almost more powerful than the religious (which at least promises the redemption of your soul) that says “you are low vibrational and that’s why low vibrational things happen to you. Fix it.” Illness is the fault of the person who is ill and there’s an opportunity to wear a weight bigger than ever before. It’s not the toxic environment, it’s not the economy, it’s not the stress you were born into via race and class—it’s you! You are the problem and if you could only be happy, you wouldn’t attract so many terrible things into your life.
This kind of belief in the control and self determination of an individual that negates and ignores all that is happening in the environment around them is sick.
I want to put my finger on it. I want to say “if I have xyz, I will be able to live happily. I will try”. I want more reference points for joy, for god. I want to walk with certainty in my ability to not only be present here but to create a life that feels really good.
I spent my 20s running from the life I grew up in. Every desire I had was fueled by not by pursuit of purpose, but by what I knew I did not want. Now in my 30s, I don’t have the stamina to out run it anymore. I’ve been sitting and processing and processing and processing. I’ve been distracting when things get to heavy. I’ve been trying to recreate myself from the ashes once again. It’s harder this time.
I thinking coming home both saved and destroyed my life. I am repulsed by the relationships I’ve kept to keep me company.
I want to bargain with the universe. You make me healthy again and I will never let darkness consume me like that for so many years. I won’t. I won’t. I won’t. I wish I could say that having a functional body would change everything. I wish I could believe that and use that idea as fuel to start again. The truth is I was depressed before. I’ve been depressed most of my life. And folks keep promising there is something outside of this emotion. I have not been able to recreate a contentment and safety I’ve never felt in my body. I’ve been lost.
Sick, I’ve actually felt less misery than I have in my entire life. The moments of joy are fleeting but more pronounced because I insist upon them and hold onto them fiercely.
How do you create a life out of the ashes and the rubble you’ve been born into? How do you create a desire to live when you cannot contribute in a traditional way? How do you expand the moments of joy so that they aren’t a flicker but a light that remains consistent throughout all that you do? I want a community and a religion that fits my needs and is respectful of my body and provides a light through the darkness.
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