closer
emma carstairs + julian blackthorn
read on archive of our own : https://archiveofourown.org/works/25920436
i’ve had this hc for a while that after the parabatai bond between emma and julian breaks, they would trace where their runes used to be ( julian’s on his chest, emma’s on her arm ) and it would be this really beautiful and intimate moment between them. here is that idea brought to life with a lot of fluff and kissing and happiness between them. enjoy!!
Emma woke with a start, the images of her nightmare still lingering in her mind: her parents’ bodies by the shore of the ocean; Julian, covered in blood, holding Livvy’s limp body against his chest; black lines webbing underneath her skin as the parabatai curse took root. A quick glance around brought her back to her senses; she was lying in bed, propped up on her elbows. She determined that she was in Julian’s room after seeing the mural painted on the far wall, its colors illuminated by the moonlight shining through the window. She looked down to find Julian sleeping soundly beside her.
Rather than returning her head to the warm place on his chest that she had been only seconds before, she allowed her eyes to linger on him a bit longer. His chocolate brown hair was beautifully tangled and adorably mussed, floating lightly on the pillow beneath his head. His eyelashes ghosted over his cheekbones and his lips were parted slightly looking very, very kissable to Emma, who smiled at the thought.
Her eyes continued their descent, taking in the flat panes of his stomach where his t-shirt had ridden up, fine white scars from used up runes and battle injuries spaced across the expanse of skin. His right hand lay gently on his stomach, his fingers spread out as though remembering the shape of Emma’s fingers that had been intertwined with his only moments before.
Emma found herself looking longingly at the place on his chest right above his heart. His shirt covered the skin there, but she could picture the shape of his parabatai rune through the fabric. The rune itself had faded when the bond had broken months ago, but she still found herself remembering its shape.
It wasn’t that she wished they were still bonded in that way, because that would mean they wouldn’t have what they had now — peaceful nights spent wrapped in each other’s arms, slow mornings when they stayed in bed trading laughs and kisses under the golden glow of the rising sun, and all the moments outside the privacy of their rooms, surrounded by their family and friends, moments where they could share their love openly and honestly. And yet, some nights she found herself tracing the faded outline of the rune, running her fingertips over the swirls, lightly grazing her nails against his skin, following the path that she knew by heart.
Without thinking, she allowed her fingers to travel up Julian’s chest where they began to dance across the fabric of his shirt in the shape of the parabatai rune. She lost herself in the dips and swirls of the pattern, her limbs heavy and her eyes half open. It wasn’t until Julian’s hand came up to cover her own that she jolted wide awake.
“I feel you tracing the rune each night,” he whispered into the space between them. She looked up at him in surprise — never once had he opened his eyes on the nights when her fingers found their way to his chest. His breathing was always deep and steady indicating a deep slumber. Even so, Emma figured she shouldn’t be surprised. Julian had been hiding his thoughts and lying all his life to protect his family. He knew how to school his features into indifference even when he was fuming with anger, steady his heartbeat even when his mind was racing, slow his breathing even when his body was tense with fear.
“Why haven’t you ever said anything?” she whispered back. The room was dark, the only light coming from the moon that was full in the sky. It felt like an intimate moment — his hand covering hers which lay against his chest, their bodies only shadows among shadows in the darkness. It would have felt wrong to speak in a volume louder than a soft whisper.
“Because,” Julian said, now propped up on his elbow so that his body was facing Emma’s, his gaze level with hers. “It seemed like a moment you wanted to have by yourself,” he said simply. “I didn’t want to deprive you of that.”
Emma suddenly felt the need to explain herself to him, although even she didn’t fully understand why she found herself tracing the rune on nights when she couldn’t sleep. “I’m not really sure why,” she began, looking into his ocean deep Blackthorn eyes. “It’s not that I don’t love what we have now or that I want us to be parabatai again or anything like that it’s just — I don’t know, honestly. I don't know how to explain it to you, it’s like there is something about it that just makes me — and I feel like I —“ She fell quiet, unable to find the words she needed, and looked at him helplessly. “I don’t know how to explain it,” she repeated, feeling defeated.
He gently squeezed Emma’s hand which still lay against his chest. He looked at her, eyes open and vulnerable. “Try,” he breathed. “Try. For me.”
She released a deep breath and nodded her head. She would try. For Julian, she would try. He sat up so that he was leaning against the headboard of the bed before he reached over to pull Emma into his lap, her knees on either side of his hips. Gently, he brought his arms around her, one hand resting on the curve of her hip, the other pressing against her lower back to pull her closer. The gentle pressure of his palm and the warmth of his touch made her feel safe. Safe enough to stumble over her words without embarrassment, to speak her thoughts out loud without fear that he would turn away. Wrapped in his arms, as safe as could be, she spoke.
“I remember,” she began. “I remember what it was like just a few months ago when we were still parabatai. I remember the agonizing pain and the overwhelming hopelessness. I saw other people who could love who they loved out in the open. And the thought that I would have to spend the rest of my life hiding what I felt for you — it was enough to drive me insane.”
Emma locked her eyes on the place right above Julian’s head, finding it impossible to look at him squarely while speaking about such pain. The words were flowing out of her now, a little disorganized on the surface but true at their heart.
“Just to think about it; that a decision that we made when we were twelve years old — totally and utterly broken children who had lost so much and who only had each other, who tied themselves together not knowing what their love would turn into — it was a decision that would trap us for the rest of our lives, impossibly close to one another in some ways and terribly far apart in others. I remember that pain, and the fact that I don’t feel that anymore brings me a happiness so great and so deep that it breaks me and holds me together all at once.
“But there is this other part of me, this other part that remembers what it was like to be tied so close to you that your pain was my pain and your thoughts were my thoughts. I remember how powerful I felt when we drew off of each other’s strength during battle. Our connection was so strong that one of us could heal the other’s wounds even when no other person could.”
Images of steles and skin and glowing iratzes flashed through Emma’s mind — Emma in Julian’s lap in the back of the Toyota, Julian holding Emma’s dying body on the battlefield before they went up in flames.
“I remember what it was like to be so intricately intertwined with you that we were practically one person, held together by parabatai magic. I remember that, and I miss that.
“And I know that we are still connected in other ways. I know that my heart will always be tied to yours. I know that I would still be lost without you — that hasn’t changed. But there was something about the parabatai bond — the physicality of it, the fact that your pain was my pain in the most literal sense. I felt you, Julian. Every second of every day I felt your presence. You were a part of me. Not just emotionally, but it was as though you were a cluster of cells in my body, a vital organ that I would die without. When we were parabatai, you weren’t just in my mind, you were in my bones.”
She took a shuddering breath before continuing. “And so sometimes, whenever I can’t sleep, I trace the outline of your rune and I remember what it felt like to be tied to you in that way. I know that there was a lot of heartbreak and a lot of pain that came with that rune, but there was a lot of good too. And now that the bond is broken and my heart feels whole, I can look past the pain and remember the overwhelming joy that I felt being your parabatai.”
She paused, unsure of how to finish. After a few seconds, she spoke again. “So maybe I just wanted to remember that.”
Emma took a deep breath in and held it as though she was preparing to get slapped; steeling herself for Julian’s reaction. And for a while, there was no reaction at all; he simply stared at her with such softness in his eyes that she thought she might melt right there in his lap. He reached one hand up to push a lock of hair behind her ear and his fingers lingered there; ghosting over her cheek. She kept herself still, arms straight by her sides, still waiting for him to speak. Finally, he did.
“I remember,” he said, brushing his lips across her cheek. “I remember our parabatai ceremony. I could barely get the words of the oath out of my mouth because I was looking at you, surrounded by heavenly fire and you looked so beautiful that I couldn’t breathe, let alone speak.” He dipped his head and began planting kisses across her jawline, from the bottom of her ear to her chin.
“I remember sitting on the beach with you one day only a few months after our ceremony. You took your hair out of its braid and the sun hit the strands just perfectly and this wave of desire hit me so hard that the whole world fell away and it was just you.” His lips were on her neck now, soft and gentle like his voice. Emma tilted her head back slightly allowing him access and her hands found their way tentatively to his shoulders.
“I remember when you healed me in the back of our beat-up Toyota. I remember the sparks that shot through my body when you sat in my lap and touched your stele to my skin. I was trying so hard not to show it — how just your body touching mine made me fall apart. But you were looking at me with this wild look in your eyes and I couldn’t keep myself from pulling you closer.” He leaned in and whispered against her skin just one word, over and over. “Closer,” he breathed. “Closer. Closer. Closer.” She shivered at the feeling of his lips brushing against her skin as he formed the words, his hot breath setting fire to her bones.
“And I remember dancing with you at the Midnight Theater and I swear I would have kissed you right then and there. I didn’t even care about all those people around us. All I saw was you. All I ever see is you.”
Emma’s fingers wound themselves into the curls of his hair, her breathing growing heavy and ragged. Her nails scraped gently at his scalp which pulled a hum of pleasure from the boy beneath her. Her lips began to move on their own accord, the words escaping in a desperate whisper. “I love you,” she said. “I love you. I love you.”
At her words, he straightened up. His face was hidden in shadow, but his eyes sparkled in the moonlight that streamed through the window. They were the color of the ocean on a stormy night, depth and darkness hidden beneath the surface. “I love you,” he breathed into the space between them. “I love you. I love you.”
Unable to wait a second longer, she pulled him in close and their lips met. Emma felt as though she was moving in slow motion. She felt sparks everywhere they touched — every part of her lips, from the center out to the corners and every place in-between, her back where the heat of his palms spread up her spine and across her shoulder blades as he moved his hands across the fabric of her tank top. Even her fingers, still buried in his hair, sizzled with energy.
Her mouth opened up over his and when they reconnected, it was as though everything had sped up. She suddenly wanted more, needed more. “Closer,” she pleaded against his lips. “Closer. Closer.” Her fingers pulled at the collar of his t-shirt and she was dragging it over his head before he even had time to pull away from the kiss.
Julian chuckled softly at her sudden desperation, which turned into genuine laughter when the shirt caught under his chin and Emma cursed in frustration. Finally, she pulled the shirt over his head with an exclamation of excitement and tossed it carelessly to the floor. His brown curls were ruffled now from both the t-shirt and the work of her fingers. He was unbearably beautiful, bare-chested and messy-haired.
Julian’s laughter faded when he saw the look on Emma’s face. Her eyes were dark with desire, her chest rising and falling quickly, her lips slightly parted. They sat in silence and lost themselves in each other’s eyes, the sound of their breaths in sync was all that could be heard. Slowly, Julian moved his hands underneath Emma’s shirt and ran his fingers up and down the bare skin of her sides, his gaze never leaving hers.
Looking into Julian’s eyes, every thought left her mind except for one word: Closer. Swiftly, she caught the hem of her tank top and pulled it over her head, leaving the upper half of her body completely exposed. And yet she felt completely safe in Julian’s arms. She wanted nothing more than for him to know every inch of her. Her heart was free of fear, too full of love and desire to have room for anything else.
Julian’s gaze was still locked with hers, although his breathing was more labored now than it was when she had her shirt on. She smirked at him, finding joy in the idea that she had that kind of power over him. Planning to take full advantage of it, she pulled him flush against her, the skin of their bare chests hot against each other. He growled in her ear and she laughed, pulling away from him.
In an attempt to take back the control she had stolen, Julian caught her mouth in a kiss and firmly gripped her hips before flipping them so that he was propped over her, his chest against hers, their hips locked together, their feet tangled in the sheets below. He caught her bottom lip between his teeth and tugged gently, eliciting a moan from Emma’s parted lips.
“Closer,” she whispered again. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him in, claiming his mouth with her own. Over and over, Julian’s mouth opened over Emma’s and over and over their lips met in a clash of heat and desperation. Eventually, Julian pulled away and turned his attention to the places that her shirt had revealed. His lips traveled from her throat down in between her breasts and even further down her stomach, leaving open-mouthed kisses in his wake. Emma had her hands in his hair, keeping him close against her, whispering his name into the darkness. “Julian, Julian.”
When he reached the top of her shorts, he paused and looked up at her. Emma’s body was screaming at her to tell him to keep going, her skin begging for the touch of his lips. But the picture before her was one she wanted to savor forever, and she allowed herself to take it in. Julian, her Julian, with a tousled mop of brown hair that fell across his forehead, his ocean blue eyes looking up at her through his dark eyelashes, his cheeks flushed with color, his body pressed against hers, his fingers running lightly over her sides.
He dipped his head and planted a soft, lingering kiss on her hip bone and Emma shuddered at the intimacy of the gesture. She reached down towards him, her fingers seeking to touch his face as she pleaded, “Closer.”
He turned his eyes up towards hers and was just beginning to push himself up onto his hands to climb on top of her when a cry pierced the air, dragging them out of the fog of desire they had lost themselves in.
“Tavvy,” Julian groaned before collapsing against Emma, his head laying on her stomach. She laughed at his pouting and reached down to run her hands through his hair. For a few seconds, neither of them moved, content to simply be close to each other. Their inhales and exhales paired together and their hearts found the same beat. With a heavy sigh, Julian lifted himself up and pulled Emma in for one final, deep kiss before breaking away.
“Go to sleep, my love,” he whispered. “I’ll be back soon.” He held her close and pressed a kiss to her forehead before turning away. Emma’s heart ached as he closed the door behind him, but more than anything she felt love. Julian would always put his family first, and she would do the same, for they were her family too.
She smiled at the thought, giddy with a happiness that she never thought she would feel. Her skin was still warm where Julian had touched her and the bedsheets were cool against her bare skin. She lay her head against the pillow and closed her eyes. Knowing that the boy she loved the most in the world would be coming back to her soon, she fell into a peaceful sleep.
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The creak of the door woke Emma from her slumber. Although her back was to the entrance, she recognized Julian’s soft footsteps as he crossed the room. She felt the mattress shift underneath her as he climbed into bed beside her, pulling the covers over his body. He reached out to her and pulled her against him. Their legs and feet comfortably intertwined under the sheets and Emma adjusted her position, curling her head into his chest, his arm coming up to wrap around her waist. He settled beside her, a soft exhale escaping from his lips. Under the cover of darkness, Emma leaned forwards and pressed her lips to his chest, right above his heart where his faded parabatai rune was painted white against his skin.
“I love you,” she whispered, leaning her forehead against the place she had kissed. He simply pulled her closer in response. Closer. Closer. Closer.