Softie

I'm a lover.

[pusheen]

[somethoughtseeds]

[softieheartxo]

Important

[softieheartxo]

I wish I could find a current album that could affect me in the same way Radiohead’s In Rainbows affected me in 2008. As you get older does music really just get worse? It’s made for the youth and we just don’t get it? Can someone show me the light? Is there good music out there? I keep getting “close” to good music… zach bryan and noah kahan, but nothing as affecting as The National’s Boxer, Arcade Fire’s Suburbs, TV on the Radio’s Dear Science. 😢 I had to put this somewhere so I guess it’s here. My music gods are dead.

[perfectquote]

“So often we try to make other people feel better by minimizing their pain, by telling them that it will get better (which it will) or that there are worse things in the world (which there are). But that’s not what I actually needed. What I actually needed was for someone to tell me that it hurt because it mattered. I have found this very useful to think about over the years, and I find that it is a lot easier and more bearable to be sad when you aren’t constantly berating yourself for being sad.”

— John Green

[softieheartxo]

It’s okay to be sad 🌈❤️

[softieheartxo]

I ask god why, but they never answer.

God is surely a they. That only makes sense.

Mother god, father…

My father who art in heaven, hallowed be your name (David)

Mother god bestow on us your fruit, give us fertile ground and the water of everlasting nourishment.

[softieheartxo]

Retail therapy… bought a new rug which is bringing me endless joy. Spent about $500 at Ikea and $500 at Cabela’s on things we have needed or wanted for a loooong time. It feels great to have some extra cash and finally upgrade some of our things. Living with what you have is fine until things start breaking….

[softieheartxo]

Started decorating for christmas.

[softieheartxo]

Our lil fuckin weirdos.

[softieheartxo]

I stepped left

and you stepped right

into the night.

Out of the bloodiness of life

the raw ache

bitter grit

a world you will never touch.

The yolk breaks

and the yearning takes hold.

[softieheartxo]

I play fortnite 🤷🏻‍♀️

[softieheartxo]

Once again death circled our heads like a halo. 

They say, “Aging is watching your loved ones die”, 

“Does every new wrinkle create a split in the divide,

a door to the other side?”

[softieheartxo]

I was on the 23rd floor of the Hilton Tokyo.

I was lying flat on the cot, my hair still wet, wrapped in a towel, my body in a robe. I was finally starting to feel okay in my skin again after an anxiety inducing sushi experience (story for another time). I was with friends, co-workers, but still friends. One was sleeping beside me, the other at breakfast. 

I was on my laptop, probably messaging my husband. It still felt weird at the time to call him that. We had been only married for a few months, and the whole world felt different. 

All at once, I started to feel the building sway, the windows were cracking with pressure and there was a slow rumble. Lying flat, in the sky, I could feel everything as though it was amplified by one thousand. I couldn’t believe it, is this an earthquake?

I gasped and woke my friend who was wearing headphones. “DID YOU FEEL THAT, IS THIS AN EARTHQUAKE?” Things were still jittery and hadn’t quite settled, I thought about what to do but everything flew around my brain like a tornado. Do we get in the bathtub? The doorframe? God why didn’t I research this before I came to one of the most earthquakey places on the planet?

I started running around the room, I opened the door and there was a man outside. I asked him if this was an earthquake, he just looked bewildered. My friend joined me outside the room and I heard the door shut. I looked at her, fear flooding through me again. I went to reopen our door and I had left the key inside. 

I could have died in that moment. I was in Tokyo, only wearing a bathrobe, and locked outside our room. This is about the time I started to feel ashamed. I looked at my friend and we decided to try and get down the stairs as fast as we could without anyone seeing us, she was clothed, lucky her. I was envisioning us in the lobby, in TOKYO in a fucking bathrobe and pajamas. 

To my surprise about 5-10 floors down was a hotel staff entrance, we ran into a lovely bell-hop. He giggled, and directed us to a fine female staff member who kindly took us up the staff elevator and let us in our room. I thanked all the shinto shrines we had prayed to for this. 

I bowed and bowed to her, arigatōgozaimasu.

When we had composed ourselves we went down to breakfast and our friend had felt absolutely nothing, no rumble, no shake. I looked online and the earthquake was real, but minor.

What did I learn? Stop and breathe while in crisis... and if I go to Tokyo again, I’m staying on a lower floor. 

[babyfoxcollectionthings]

[softieheartxo]

My greatest fear and fascination.

[softieheartxo]

Hannah do no harm.

[softieheartxo]

Cranberry Tea

[softieheartxo]

I believe in trauma work. 

My healing comes in: 

emdr, meditation, cardio, art, food, music, play and laughter. 

Hallowed is the earth beneath our feet, and the cycle it repeats. 

The cycle in my brain, and the blessed ability to recognize when I need to do the work; till the soil, write the words, reset the neural pathways.

Standing at the mountain top, I look down at the slope and I turn my cheek. I sit cross-legged, close my eyes, come to my body, send a prayer to my therapist.

I refuse to wallow in the dirt of shame, victimhood, and blame. I choose to speak, to use my voice. And when I fall, I come back to the cycle, come back to therapy, come back to healing.

[softieheartxo]

port-train-station

...

you laugh and I look, 

it’s hot in this cramped terminal, 

the dog inspection team sniffs my bag, 

my gut flips, hungover and hurting, I reach to grab the handle

and miss, pressing up against my neighbour, who smells cleanly of other countries,

the cute one picks up a cheque I hadn’t cached, hands it to me 

i’m thankful, but I know we’ll never go there. still, I imagine it again

now we’re here in the open air, bobbing

the boat is wooden, and the rich girls know what they’re doing

we just sit and enjoy the view.