rebecca

crazy bitch

[softwildplants]

Don't yell at your kids

[hel7l7]

[softwildplants]

cuffed sleeve bisexual

[softwildplants]

Holy fucking shit I was so skinny

[softwildplants]

When you had been starving yourself for like 2 years straight and didnt eat over 600 calories at most in a day and when you were at his house and literally didnt eat anything the entire time even though you were with him for over 24 consecutive hours and he calls you "thicc" and your whole world comes crashing down because thicc is the LAST thing youre trying to be and then he sexually assaults you and then breaks up with you because you dont want to fuck him

And then you see him on your college math class roster and you have to change your whole schedule because theres no way i can be in the same class as him and you end up not being able to take half your classes because theres no spots available for some classes bc the semester starts in like 3 days

Thats what i see when i look at this photo

[dulect]

neurotypical people be like: sweetie :))))))) i understand what you:))re going through :)) but we all have:)those:)days:))u just need to appreciate the good :) in life. some people:)))have it way:)worse than u. just :) be:)) happy:)) sweetie:))) u have evrything:))))darling (:(:

[softwildplants]

Why should i care about my health

Why should i get enough sleep

Why should i not smoke

Why should i not knock myself out with a cocktail of drugs and melatonin every night

Why should i eat vegetables

Why should i eat

Why should i see the doctor when somethings wrong

In an effort to keep myself alive for longer

Much longer than i should be

I cant imagine why people would want to live for an entire century, or more

Ive been here for 20 years and its all been shit

Nothing in my life has been positive enough for it to make up for the shit

Not even close

Every time i feel a pang in my abdomen

A splitting headache

Feelings of dizziness

Passing out

Bruises

Memory loss

Its

I dont care

I really dont

And maybe it stems from the fact that no one has really cared for me

If i asked to see the doctor it was a burden

I have a two year old prescription for a sonogram

Still havent gotten it done

Probably will never

I shouldve gotten blood tests a while back

But i really dont care

I want to get life over with as soon as possible

This is hell

Ive numbed myself out of it

Im not really here at all

I dont care about anything

Life is meaningless

Ill never get over that

Hope i die soon

[softwildplants]

"I should introduce you to my friend, she's a total dyke! LOL"

Ok

[softwildplants]

I just wanna fuckin die

Even when I sleep I have nightmares

Theres no escape

I dont tell anyone because I dont want to be a burden

So I just go to work all day and come home and contemplate suicide

I go to take my medication for the night

Allergy pill, melatonin, and antidepressant

And I take the bottle sometimes and pour a whole bunch of pills out into my hand, and put them back

Sometimes I hold the bottle to my mouth

I'll sit by my pills for an hour or two

Just thinking

I wish I had the guts

But the pills wouldn't kill me, theres not enough

So I dont take them

When I get my three month refill of meds, I always think, this would probably be enough

But then I put it off

And soon it's too late

Because there isnt enough

It would be easier if I was dead

Life has been terrible

I dont remember the last time I was happy

One of these days I'm gonna snap I guess

One of these days I'll die

[softwildplants]

I'm also ugly

[softwildplants]

I dont know what I'm doing here

[softwildplants]

I feel like I need to down 5 xanax to fall asleep at night immediately so I dont have to think about everything embarassing and terrible I've ever done and not want to off myself from it

[softwildplants]

I've been questioning my sexuality (again) and I think I'm bi??? But I dont know

I've been on dating apps with the setting to only see guys and I'm struggling.

One guy seemed cool but then kept sending me sexual memes and after about 5 of them I said "sex is gross lol" and hes like "leave it alone then. No more sex"

??????

That's so frustrating

Because hes the one

That's been bringing it up?

Yo idk

It doesnt even matter bc I just met this guy

But its like

The concept

That every guy I've met is in it for the sex

And that's why I've been calling myself lesbian

I think

I'm attracted to guys

But I'm not trying to have sex

Right off the bat

It goes the same for girls I know

But its hard

At the age I am

To find someone who doesnt want to fuck ? When they first meet?

It's a dealbreaker

It's really really difficult

I feel like no one has time for me

To wait

It's not like I dont want to have sex ever

It's just the only sexual experience I've ever had was traumatizing

I need trust

Idk

Theres probably people out there that get it

But no one that I've met

Dating apps are probably not the best place to look

But I have no connections in real life

So

.

[sunlightbabey]

i mean i love bon iver but i have no idea what the fuck he is saying. is he even singing in english?? the world will never know

[softwildplants]

Wtf

I think I'm catching feels???

What

That's so weird

Like

At this point

Who fucking cares

I have nothing to lose

Let me ride this wave

And not give a fuck

Just see where it goes

I'm kinda gay tf

[softwildplants]

She is a Beautiful Lesbian Girl woah

[softwildplants]

Wtf

I think I'm catching feels???

What

That's so weird

Like

At this point

Who fucking cares

I have nothing to lose

Let me ride this wave

And not give a fuck

Just see where it goes

I'm kinda gay tf

[softwildplants]

Are you ever so tired to the point where you're spacy as fuck and keep disociating and putting off sleep because you cant focus on getting ready for bed and then get distracted by something and catch a wave of energy and stay awake even longer, further fucking up your sleep schedule and then are SO tired that you get paranoid and start hallucinating bc u havent slept in 24 hours and its even harder to fall asleep because you keep hearing things and it's just easier to stay awake till sunrise so you're not scared of the dark and then you dont want to sleep till 8 pm so you set your alarm for noon and you repeat the cycle of no sleep again because THATS how my quarantine is going.

[softwildplants]

There is a sense of familiarity when i think of middle school. Even though i was extremely depressed, i had a home on the internet. I had amazing friends. There is a warmth and coziness associated with anime, minecraft, and music. Last night I was looking through my old emails, youtube account, and posts on other social media and i was just reminded of good times. I was so different. I think back and wonder why that is. I used to be so smart and clear headed. Thats one of the reasons I look back on that time and wish to go back. My poetry was beautiful. I feel stupid now. Just cloudy. I was content with the way it was when no one knew about my self harm, depression, and suicidal thoughts, besides my online friends. I had feelings. I had intense and amazing feelings. When I listen this playlist I made a few years ago, I can feel how i felt. It was cold sweat, lightness, happiness, and warmth. Its so stupid how all of these songs give me memories of minecraft. It was always so fun when i played with my friends. I practically lived on that server. I may not have felt it at the time, but those were the best times of my life. Even though i wanted to die. Because i still had feelings. Now i want to die but im numb and friendless. fuck these meds tbh

[softwildplants]

I'm gonna cry I haven't heard this song since 2012 and I remembered every single word. I remember crying in my dark room in my pillow for at 4am with half empty water glasses collecting dust on my desk to this song