SoJu Says...

[sojusays]

Me: I'm going to hell. I'm such an asshole.

Barbara: That's okay. I'll go with you.

Me: HAHAHAHAHA you're a really good friend! No one has ever said that to me.

Barbara: *hearty laugh* Yeah, I'll go with you.

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Michelle: I also found 10 most commonly asked interview questions.

Me: That's good. It's good to be prepared.

Michelle: It's been a minute since I've interviewed for anything.

Me: Which hand do you use to wipe your butt?

Michelle: That depends on where you're from. Because if you're from --

Me: I'm not asking you all of that. I asked which hand! You're not listening, Michelle!

Michelle: I am! It all depends on where you're from. Some countries you wipe with your left and in some you use your right. It all depends on the culture and customs --

Me: You're not listening to me or the question. The question was directed at you. It's for YOU. What hand do YOU use to wipe your butt? It's not a generalized question.

Michelle: Both! Depends on which way I lean. If I'm leaning to the right then I'm using my right and if I'm leaning to the left I'm using my left hand.

Me: As the interviewer, I cannot offer you the job.

Michelle: Why?

Me: You have your hands full. How are you gonna get any work done?

Michelle: Hahahahaha I have my hands full of shit.

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Me: Are you gonna shop on Black Friday?

Ronda: Lots of stores aren't going to be open!

Me: I'm still gonna do it.

Ronda: No stores are open.

Me: *holds up finger* We're building pillow forts and camp out in the living room. Everyone's gonna stay up on their laptops. That's how we're gonna shop on Black Friday!

Ronda: HAHAHAHAHA

Me: See, you weren't expecting that, were you?

[sojusays]

Me: Take me to BJ's. I'll get you bubble tea.

Brother: I'll be ready in 2 minutes.

Me: *surprised* Well now...that wasn't hard.

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Mom: The subtitles are broken! Why is it in English?

Me: You understand what they're saying! I don't. I have to read to be on the same page.

Mom: Point taken. You can keep the broken subtitles.

[sojusays]

Sarah: Don't you ever want a boyfriend?

Me: You gonna find me one?

Sarah: I'm just asking. Because you need to repopulate. You need to have your kids carry on your legacy. You should try having a boyfriend.

Damn. She's only ten and talking about my legacy.

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Chase: You can eat water.

Me: Yes, on the rocks.

Chase: You cannot eat rocks but you can have water with ice.

[sojusays]

Mom likes to keep the home well stocked with essentials in preparation for my stay whenever I can afford time away for a visit.

I asked her to get me some pads (sanitary napkins) and even took a screenshot of the product. She takes a photo of her purchase, which is bizarrely different from what I had sent her.

Me: Did they not have the one I sent you in stock? I wanted wings.

Mom: Wings? None of them have wings.

Me: The picture I sent you have wings.

Mom: What? *silence*

Me: Yeah. It's right in the photo. Lower right hand corner.

Mom: I don't see it. Hold on. *chuckle* I see it now! I thought that was a bag of fertilizer. It's got a big flower on the packaging!

Me: *pause* HAHAHAHAHA

This is why design is so important. She had a point.

[sojusays]

Sarah: I was being sarcastic. You do know that, right?

Me: Were you? I absolutely had no idea. Couldn't even detect it.

Sarah: You're now being sarcastic. You're the queen of sarcasm. I know you know when I'm being sarcastic.

[sojusays]

Mom: What are your plans for the weekend?

Me: I need to clean my room and start packing. My room is a massive mess.

Mom: A mess? It can't be. No matter how messy you are nowhere like Kai. I know you.

Me: It's a collosal mess. *pause* You know, you're right. But it's getting there.

Mom: I know you. There is a threshold to your tolerance for messiness. So it can't be that bad.

[sojusays]

I have the body of an undeveloped 13 year old boy.

[sojusays]

This is how I know my father is more English than he realizes. Most Americans would use # or lb in place of spelling out pound.

Dear Daddy uses £.

Damn, son.

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The struggle is real.

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This is life. You just can't plan a period party.

[sojusays]

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The Silence was a MASSIVE let down.

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Amanda: She is what she eats. Pussy! I'm what I eat. Asshole!

Me: Ohh...

Amanda: I meant to say 'dicks!'