Étoile Fille

'Cause I've seen the world from down there And it wasn't a pretty sight Now the circle is turning Are you armed for the fight?

[solantophile]

07-20-2026

Dear, love.

It’s just one of those nights.

I fought the urge to write here again. There have been so many moments over the past months when I wanted to open Tumblr, pour my heart out, and let these feelings live somewhere other than inside my chest. But I always stopped myself because I thought maybe I didn’t need to anymore.

Tonight proved me wrong. You’re sad tonight, and you can’t sleep. You haven’t been okay since this morning.

It started over coffee with Rose and Mica. We were just sitting there, talking about life, when Rose shared that after two years, she finally had her closure conversation with Ford.

We were all genuinely happy for her. She told us the conversation went well. That they had both accepted what happened. I asked her how it made her feel, and she smiled before saying, “Free.” Free from the resentment, from the questions, from carrying something that no longer belonged to her.

She said it made her feel lighter. Then she looked at me and gently said, “Maybe that’s something you need too.”

I don’t know why those words hit me the way they did, but they stopped me completely. Because maybe she’s right. Maybe that’s exactly what I need. Maybe that’s what it will take for me to finally heal from all this trauma, to slowly tear down the walls I’ve spent years building, to stop being afraid of letting people in and to stop convincing myself that loving someone will always end with me breaking apart.

After that conversation, something shifted inside me. A heaviness settled in my chest and refused to leave. We went to Rockwell. We watched Odyssey, went shopping, we laughed and ate. But I carried that heaviness everywhere.

I knew I needed to let it out somehow. So when I finally got home, I booked a massage, hoping maybe my body was just holding onto stress.

It wasn’t. The weight was still there.

So I did something I haven’t done in a very long time. I opened WhatsApp and reread Jak’s messages from what we both called our “closure conversation.”

And that’s when I broke. I cried so hard that it felt like I had been thrown back into 2024. I cried the way I used to cry when I begged God to please make the pain stop. I cried so hard that Pancho and Kousen wouldn’t leave my side. I cried until I had a panic attack.

And all I could think about was what Rose had told us earlier. Her closure felt light because they were honest with each other. Ford was honest that he was seeing someone. Rose was honest too. They both admitted they still cared about each other. They both answered the hard questions. They gave each other the truth, even when it wasn’t easy.

And it made me remember, when Jak and I had our closure talk, I only asked for one thing. Honesty. I begged her to tell me the truth because I genuinely believed that the truth, no matter how painful, would be easier than wondering for the rest of my life. I asked her about Maine more than once. She looked me in the eyes and told me there’s nothing going on. That it was just nothing. And I chose to believe her. We even talked about co-parenting the pets one day. We spoke like two people trying to leave things with kindness.

Then after leave the house, I checked the CCTV. And that’s when I realized “nothing” wasn’t actually nothing. They were already exchanging selfies. Funny how that’s exactly how we started too. Then I found myself remembering old conversations. I remembered how distant Jak became before we broke up. How she slowly grew colder, one day at a time. And then I remembered… that was exactly how she became with Kiko when I entered the picture. How she borrowed her mom’s car just so she could pick me up and I couldn’t stop wondering because she did the same thing again when everything between us started falling apart. I finally saw the pattern. And instead of feeling angry… I felt betrayed all over again. Like every wound I spent two years stitching back together suddenly reopened at once.

I haven’t cried like this in such a long time. I honestly thought I was past this. Maybe that’s why it hurts so much, because I thought I had already survived it.

And the saddest part? There’s no one I can call right now.

I can’t call Chao or Bea because they’re still so angry at Jak. I know they’ll only wonder why I’m here again after everything. I can’t call Rose because even though she keeps saying she’s okay, I know today couldn’t have been easy for her either. I can’t call Mica because she’s been quietly carrying her own battles these past few weeks. I can’t call Rom because he’s thousands of miles away in the US, trying to survive his own loneliness while still grieving his mom. I can’t call Mico because it’s 2 in the morning, he has work tomorrow, and he’s probably asleep.

So I came here instead. Because maybe writing is still the safest place I know. There’s one thing I did not write about that happened recently.

Last month, I saw Jak and Maine together at Rockwell. Oddly enough, I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t even hurt. Mica, Summer, and I even laughed because what are the chances? Then I saw her again at Morton’s parking lot before our team dinner. I knew Jak had bought a new car after we broke up, but I had no idea what it looked like or what the plate number was. Somehow, out of all the parking spaces, I ended up parking right in front of it. I just sat there in complete shock, wondering why the universe keeps putting me in these situations. I stayed inside the car until she left. Maybe Rose and Mica are right. Maybe it really is the red string we always believed tied us together, one that still hasn’t completely let go. And if there is, I hope it’s finally being cut. Because I’m tired. I don’t want to keep crossing paths with someone my heart is trying so hard to leave behind.

In both moments, I wasn’t heartbroken. But my body was. I started shaking uncontrollably. At Rockwell, I didn’t even realize it until Summer pointed out that my hands were trembling. I couldn’t even type properly on my phone. The exact same thing happened again at Morton’s. So I called Doc Ay. She explained again that what I was experiencing wasn’t my heart reacting anymore, it was my body. Trauma lives in my nervous system. My body remembers the pain even when my mind thinks I’ve already moved on. I remember telling her that I don’t understand, because even met with Jak to clean our house before, and I didn’t react like that. She gently explained again that our bodies don’t always choose when to remember that sometimes all it takes is seeing the person who caused the deepest pain, and your nervous system immediately goes into survival mode because it never wants you to experience that kind of heartbreak again. She even made me look back at everything I went through in 2024 to help me understand why my body still reacts the way it does. She reminded me of the panic attacks, the sleepless nights, the days I could barely function, the days that I wanted to die, and the version of myself who was just trying to survive. Then she asked me, “Doesn’t that tell you how much pain you were really in?” And maybe that’s exactly it. Maybe my body remembers what my heart has been trying so hard to move past. Because if there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that I never, ever want to go through that kind of pain again.

But I think maybe that’s also the part I’ve been trying so hard to understand. Maybe I’m no longer trying to heal from losing someone, maybe I’m trying to heal from what losing Jak and the cats did to me.

I don’t want to carry this anymore. I want to be free. I want to stop living in survival mode. I want my nervous system to believe that I’m safe again.

Sometimes I wonder if one completely honest conversation with Jak would finally set me free. Maybe it wouldn’t change anything, maybe it wouldn’t fix what happened, but maybe it would finally give my heart permission to stop searching for answers.

Then again… why would she choose to do that for me? Maybe she never will and maybe that’s the hardest part to accept. If that’s true, then I guess healing has to happen without the conversation I’ve been waiting for.

I don’t know how yet but I know one thing. I don’t want to carry this pain for another two years.

I just want to be free.

Love,

Your Healing Heart

[solantophile]

[solantophile]

05-24-2026

Been hooked on Grey’s Anatomy lately and one thing the show made me realize is how short life really is. How fragile people are. How temporary everything feels sometimes. And weirdly, what hurts me the most lately isn’t even about romance anymore… it’s the cats. I miss them so much.

I thought I already made peace with the anticipatory grief of it all, convincing myself that maybe the next time I’d ever see them would only be when they’re old, sick, or nearing the end of their lives. Like somehow preparing myself early would make it hurt less later.

But lately I keep asking myself… should love really wait until goodbye? Part of me wants to reach out and ask if there’s still any way I could see them again, even just for a little while. Borrow them for a day. Hug them again. Hear their tiny sounds. Feel that kind of comfort that only they gave me. Because they weren’t “just cats” to me. They were my children. They were home.

But another part of me knows reopening certain doors can reopen wounds too. And I never want my longing to disturb someone else’s peace or healing just because I miss what once felt like family.

So now I’m just here sitting with this strange kind of grief where someone you deeply loved are still alive somewhere in the world, just no longer within your reach.

And maybe that’s what breaks me the most sometimes. Knowing they’re still out there living their little lives without me in them anymore. Wondering if they still wait by doors I’ll never walk through again, or if they’ve slowly forgotten the sound of my voice, the way I held them, the love I poured into every ordinary day we shared. I hope they’re loved deeply. I hope they feel safe. But God, some nights it hurts knowing I’m grieving beings that are still alive, grieving memories that can’t even grieve me back.

[solantophile]

I'm happy you are still here. Please continue to find reasons to live even if it's tiring. I admire your courage to keep on fighting. If you are feeling alone, I hope it comforts you that somewhere out there, someone like me is glad that you're existing. Belated happy birthday!

Hey. I just read this now, and I don’t know why it feels so timely, but thank you. This genuinely made me feel a little better, I woke up from another heartbreaking dream about the cats again, and everything just felt heavy when I opened my eyes. Then I saw this.

Thank you for being kind to me in a moment I really needed it. And thank you for reminding me that someone out there is glad I exist. That meant more than you probably know.

[emilyfuckingb-deactivated202503]

the sexual tension between my solitude and wanting to fall in love

[solantophile]

03-25-2026

Dear love,

You dreamed about Jak again and after so many dreams that have passed these past few months, this is the only one that made you sit up, and actually write again.

It was a short dream (at least, the part you remember) but it felt so heavy. You were with Rom and Mico, sitting in an outdoor restau. It felt like one of those normal days with them, laughing, talking about life, nothing too deep, just easy and familiar. And then you all saw Maine, she was alone, talking to some fast food crew. And somehow, you, Rom, and Mico all knew. You knew they were talking about Jak and not in a good way. They were saying bad things about her, how Maine is better off without Jak. And from that moment, something shifted. It felt heavy, it crushed your heart in a way you didn’t expect. Hearing how badly Maine was talking about Jak didn’t sit right with you, and Rom and Mico noticed it immediately, so they opened it up.

They asked you what you were feeling, and you answered honestly. You said… why is it weird that you’re not happy? Why are you hurting for both of them? When the first thing you should feel, after everything they did and how much they ruined you, is relief… or even happiness? But you weren’t.

And Rom and Mico made sense of it in a way you couldn’t at that moment. They told you maybe it’s because you’ve already forgiven them more than you realize. That maybe that heartbreak didn’t harden you, it changed you, made you better, softer in a way that still knows how to love. And because they know you… they know you still have love for Jak. They know you’ve been praying for her, wishing for her happiness despite everything.

And you said it too. You said you know how much she loves Maine, that what she had with Maine was bigger than what she had with you and the dogs and you know that if they break, it will crush her. And maybe that’s why you weren’t okay hearing those things, maybe that’s why it hurt.

Then suddenly, Jak walked past your table. She looked back, she smiled at you, and she walked straight toward you. And you smiled back. But the first thing you noticed was her eyes, puffy, like she’s been crying. And in that moment, everything in you wanted to move, you wanted to hug her, comfort her, be there for her. But you froze. You didn’t know what to do so you just stayed there and smiled.

Rom, being Rom, offered her a seat. Mico stayed quiet, just observing everything. And then Jak said, “hindi na… after everything that I’ve done, nakakahiya.” And before you could even process it, Rom said, “dapat lang.” and he went on saying how disappointed they were, how they felt betrayed too. Things they never said out loud, but maybe felt at some point. And then Jak left again and that’s when you started shaking. Rom and Mico noticed. They told you to let it out and you broke down. Because you were hurting… not just for yourself, but because she was hurting too.

You told them how surprised you were that a part of you still wants to be there for her after everything. And they didn’t judge you for it, if anything, they understood.

And then you woke up crying, heavy. Still feeling everything. And maybe that’s what this dream made you realize… how much you still care for Jak, how you’ve been consistently praying for her, asking for her safety, her happiness, even asking for the strength to fully forgive her. And maybe it was never just fully about your peace. Maybe it’s because, no matter what happens, you will always have a soft spot for her and that doesn’t go away just because things ended badly.

It was also weirdly comforting that it was Rom and Mico there. Out of everyone, it was them.

Maybe because you’ve been talking to them a lot lately. Maybe because your flight to New York is next week and Rom will pick you up and you’re both excited and a little anxious and sad because you will miss Kousen and Pancho. Maybe your mind just placed the people who feel safe.

But it made sense, because out of everyone, they’re the ones who still and always have a soft spot for Jak too. You’ve seen it, you’ve felt how gentle they become whenever her name comes up, even if they try to hide it behind jokes or blunt words. So maybe that’s why they were there. To remind you it’s okay. That what you’re feeling is real. You just loved her fully. Maybe it was here to show you how far you’ve come… that finally you learned how to carry that love quietly. And… maybe that’s enough.

Love,

Your healing heart

[solantophile]

This version hits a little too real. 😭

[solantophile]

‘Come what may, I won’t regret today.’

On loop for the nights I choose to feel everything. My quiet nights, sit-with-the-pain song. 😞

[solantophile]

01-16-2026

Hi love,

You dreamt of Jak last night, and for once, there was no conflict, no tension, no forcing anything to work. It was just the two of you and the pets, calm, familiar, at peace. Like you finally figured out how to exist without hurting each other. In the dream, you were co-parenting or maybe just co-existing, you’re not even sure but it felt gentle. Like something heavy finally loosened inside you. Then the day ended, she had to leave for a family trip, her sisters came by, and you already knew her new girlfriend would be there. You thought it would break you, but it didn’t. It stung, yes, but you stayed steady, you didn’t fight the feeling, you didn’t chase after them, you just let them go.

And when you woke up… you were at peace. Your heart was happy to see Jak again, not the version that hurt you, but the one from the beginning. when love was light, when you felt safe, when you both were happy and that confused you.

You searched the meaning of the dream, like you always do. It said acceptance, that you’re finally letting go.

That’s when your chest started to ache. Maybe because loving her is finally learning how to loosen its grip, maybe you’re not sad about letting go, maybe you’re just unsure how you’re supposed to feel when something that once meant everything slowly becomes a memory instead of a wound.

So you got up, made your coffee, played some music. You sat by the window, people-watching, letting the morning move at its own pace when Best Part of Me by Ed Sheeran and Yebba played. At first, you were okay, you smiled, you remembered all the love, all the laughter, all the good things you and Jak shared. You remembered how the two of you used to sing this in the car, or at home, standing in the kitchen or the living room, just staring at each other, no distractions, just voices, soft smiles, and every word meaning something. Like the song was written for you, and you both knew it.

And when the song ended… you cried. Not because it’s over but because maybe this is what letting go feels like. It hurts, but it feels honest and maybe that’s enough for now.

With love,

Your healing heart

[solantophile]

[solantophile]

[solantophile]

12-09-2025

Dear love,

Finally, you’re ready to talk about this, about the almost that stayed longer in your heart than you ever expected. This is the story you kept folding neatly away…. Russ.

You met Russ last September 2024 in Revel. You didn’t even notice him at first. There was no spark, no moment that stood out, just the two of you talking casually, passing time without thinking much of it. And then, without realizing it, the night turned into morning. Someone suggested breakfast, so you all went to Wildflour. You were still talking, still laughing, still not ready to let the night end. You started teaching him Tagalog, just fooling around. The first time you really thought he was cute was when he kept saying, “Maganda si Joyce,” over and over, carefully, proudly, like he wanted to get every word right.

When you went home, you were sure that was the end of it. That’s how it always goes with people you meet at bars, one nice night, one soft memory, then everyone goes back to their real lives.

Then Jordan (Russ’ friend) messaged you on Instagram and invited you to drink again at Dr. Wine. You hesitated, it was a weekday. You were tired from work and you already had that feeling of not wanting to get attached to something temporary, but you still went. That night was different. He sat across from you and kept staring. You asked him why, you told him to stop, he didn’t and he just smiled. At one point, Alex was seated between the two of you. While you and Alex were talking, Russ suddenly moved in between and joked that from now on, anything you wanted to tell Alex had to go through him, since he in between you two and was already the bridge. You just laughed. When it was time to go, he leaned in, kissed your cheek, and whispered, “Can we have lunch or dinner tomorrow?” You were shocked. You laughed it off because his friends were flying to Cebu, and you knew it would be just the two of you. But he messaged you anyway and you got scared you might feel something so you made excuses and pulled away.

The next day, you were supposed to go to Dr. Wine with Sophie, but plans changed and you ended up at Kampai instead. And Russ was there alone. Neither of you knew the other would be there. You found each other again without trying. He stayed with you and your friends the entire night and even paid for the bill. That was when you found out he owns bars and coffee shops in Poblacion, the reason he is in Manila every 3 months. He was good-looking (oh God, he was so good-looking people were staring), girls were asking for his name. You even pushed him toward a college student who wanted to ask who he was. And when she finally asked who he was with, he wrapped his arm around your shoulder and said, “With my girl.” You were shocked but kilig. And deep inside, you knew you were not ready for what you were starting to feel.

The next morning, after tennis with Rose and Mica, you finally told them about him. They pushed you to see him before he flew back to the US. You didn’t even know his exact flight, only that he was leaving the next day. You decided to try. Then you woke up to his message… “In Taipei now for layover.” Your heart sank cause you really thought you still had time. You were already thinking about inviting him for brunch. When you told him, he said that if you had told him earlier, he would have rebooked.

And just like that, you became long-distance. You talked every day. Somewhere in between all the stories and late replies, you slowly realized that he checked almost every box you had quietly built for your next relationship. He was good-looking and he always smelled so good, the kind of detail you didn’t even know mattered to you until it did. But more than the physical, it was his values that stayed with you, his heart, how family oriented he was, how most of his Instagram posts were about his family, how gentle he was with the people he loved, how God-fearing he was. It felt rare.

You learned about each other’s pasts. You found out he had also just come from a long-term relationship (the same month you and Jak broke up). He was a nurse, both parents are Pinoy but he grew up in San Francisco. You told him about your depression, about the heavy days, and he was so gentle with your truth. He sent you Tagalog voice notes because he knew it made you happy, he noticed the smallest changes in your voice and your energy, he worried when you were sick, he was the first one who noticed when you took down all your Instagram posts after you relapsed. And he stayed.

December came, and after three months he returned to the Philippines and surprised you. You were with Rose, Mica, Jonas, Summer, Pia and Ron. Rose was the first one who recognized him. Your friends finally met him, they liked him. Even Summer liked her Tito Russ. Your friends noticed things you didn’t… how sometimes you pushed him away. Like when Bumble came up and he asked if you would swipe right on him, and you answered, “Why would I?” They saw the way that embarrassed him. You only understood it later.

Then you flew to Japan. Still, you kept talking.

March came, and you finally saw each other again. You went back to Wildflour, the same place where it all began without meaning to. It felt strange and familiar sitting across from him again after months of hearing him through phone. All the serious things you had been talking about over the phone, about life, about the future, they were suddenly right there between the two of you.

This time, the questions were no longer just messages. He asked if you were truly ready for a long-distance relationship. He asked if you really wanted your next relationship to be your last.

He asked if you were ready to settle down and build a family. You said yes you wanted your next one to be your last. Yes, you wanted a family. But you were finally honest about the part that scared you… long-distance wasn’t for you. When he asked if you would ever move, you laughed softly not because you didn’t care, but because you genuinely didn’t know the answer yet. Then almost casually he asked you about your plans in May, you told him you would be in Boracay for Rose’s birthday. He booked his flight right there.

May came slowly. He arrived a day earlier than you. You arrived the next day for Rose’s birthday. You all went to Epic for Rose’s birthday salubong, it was a fun night you even blacked out. Then the next morning came heavy hangovers, Berocca in hand, Salonpas on your skin, all of you stuck in the hotel recovering. And quietly, in the middle of that, it was his last night before flying back to Manila to check on their businesses. He kept asking if you could walk outside, just eat, just spend a little more time. You wanted to, you truly did, but your body couldn’t. And even though he understood, you felt it, the weight of knowing he came all that way for you, and you couldn’t give the same energy back that night.

The next day, he still updated you when he reached Manila. Still asked when you would be back so you could see each other before he flew to the US. You, Rose, and Mica extended your stay for three more days. He said it was okay. He kept updating, he stayed until he finally flew back.

“See you when I get back.”

After that, the silence didn’t come all at once. You didn’t message. He didn’t either. But he never disappeared completely. Even in September this year (after a year), he was still there in small ways, still liking and reacting to your stories, still showing up quietly, like he was saying, hey, I’m still here, without actually saying it. And every time you saw his name, your chest tightened a little.

You pulled yourself back anyway. Not because you didn’t care, but because you cared too much and didn’t know how to meet him in the middle.

And then just this week, you learned that he now has a girlfriend.

And that’s when it finally settled in, just one heavy realization sitting in your chest. Because he looks happy (and he truly deserves it) and because a part of you knows… you could have been happy too.

You both always talked about serendipity, about Kampai, about how you were never supposed to meet again that night, yet somehow the universe placed you in the same room anyway. You talked about it like proof. Like confirmation, like the kind of coincidence that only happens when something is meant to stay. You talked about timing not as an obstacle, but as something that would eventually align. About healing as something you could do side by side. And in those conversations, you weren’t talking about ifs, you were talking about when.

And maybe, just maybe… this was never about losing each other, it was only about timing daring both of you to become more ready than you were before. Maybe the universe didn’t close a door, it only asked you to wait outside it a little longer. And maybe one day, when your lives no longer move in opposite directions, what once felt impossible will finally feel natural like it always knew its way back. And when that day comes, you know you will meet it healed, steady, and sure. You will no longer be afraid of loving fully. You will no longer hurt the way you once did. And this time, you will know how to hold love without letting it slip through your hands…

because Russ will always be the almost that made your heart braver.

With love,

Your regretting heart

[solantophile]

A Couple Minutes

Turn around

Since when are you smoking now?

It's been a while, let me know

Like, did you end up moving house?

You're the only one who knows that name

You're the only one does that face

I just wanna know if you're okay

Only have a couple minutes, it already kinda feels like

Back on your sofa

Of course, I still care

Love's never wasted

When it's shared, mm, mm

And although it's over

I'll always be there

Only have a couple minutes, guess we're going back to real life

I guess we've found a silver lining

I'm glad you're doing so well

If only you could see how I've been

If I'm being real, you know it ain't been the same

We could talk if we want now

I already know it's no good for me

It's alright, think I'm fine with the silence

There's some good in goodbyes

Oh, I

Back on your sofa

Of course, I still care

Love's never wasted

When it's shared, mm, mm

And although it's over

I'll always be there

Only have a couple minutes and we're going back to real life

In your heart

Every part of me

We'll let go

And let it start to be

In your heart

Every part of me

We'll let go

And let it start to be

In your heart

Every part of me

We'll let go

And let it start to be

In your heart

Every part of me

We'll let go

And let it start to be (oh, oh, eh, eh, eh)

Only have a couple minutes, guess we're going back to real life

(Oh, oh, eh, eh, eh)

Only have a couple minutes and we're going back to real life

[solantophile]

Hi love,

It’s 3:47 AM and you woke up from a dream that shattered your heart all over again.

It was that night you said goodbye to Charcoal, Shiro, Kimchi, Vivo, and Seven. The night your world felt like it was collapsing, but you were so exhausted from moving out that you couldn’t even cry. You were numb… but hurting everywhere at the same time.

You remembered you took a video of that goodbye, thinking maybe watching it now would make you feel better. But the moment it played, it only made everything worse. You realized they knew. They knew you were leaving.

Charcoal gave you that last soft meow while you were telling her goodbye, almost like she was trying to say it back… maybe even telling you she loved you too. Shiro curled up on your lap for the last time, refusing to move, like she didn’t want you to get up because she knew the moment you stood, everything would change. And Kimchi, when you carried him and he resisted in that weird way, you finally understood he was mad or scared because he felt it. He felt you leaving.

And now you don’t know how to stop this feeling. It’s sitting inside your chest like something sharp, something heavy, something that doesn’t loosen no matter how much time passes. You miss them so much you’d do anything, just to see them again. Even one minute, even one second, even just to hear a meow, feel the weight of them on your lap, smell their fur.

You thought you had already made peace with the idea that Jak is now the one giving them the love and care you used to give. You told yourself they’re okay. You told yourself they’re happy. But God… this hurts. It hurts in ways you don’t even have words for sometimes. These were your babies. Your daily heartbeat. Your safe place.

And maybe a part of you still hopes stupidly, naively, painfully, that someday, Jak might let you see them, even just once. Just to ease this excruciating ache you carry. But you also know that wanting that could hurt people. That it could open wounds for her, or Maine. That it could make things complicated in ways you don’t want to cause. So you’re stuck here. Loving them in silence. Grieving in private. Carrying a kind of ache that no one really talks about, the heartbreak of losing pets not because they died, but because life forced you to leave them behind.

Maybe one day this pain will be softer. Maybe one day you’ll look back and feel grateful for the years you had with them instead of drowning in the loss. But tonight, at 3:47 AM, you’re just a mom who misses her babies so much she doesn’t know what to do with her own heart.

Love,

Your longing heart

[solantophile]

10-28-2025

Hi love,

It’s been a few days since Emman Atienza died and you still feel like you’re stuck in the moment you heard the news, you haven’t been okay since then. You didn’t know her personally but you saw pieces of yourself in her. You followed her because when she talked about her mental health, you felt understood, it made you feel less alone. You watched her go through the same diagnoses you did. First MDD, then MDD with anxious distress and then Bipolar Disorder. You remember how scared you were when Doc Nueva told you that. Like everything was getting worse even if you were trying so hard. But you looked at Emman and she gave you hope, somehow she made you believe you wouldn’t end up like this forever.

Then four days ago, you woke up to the news and at first it didn’t make sense, but slowly it started to feel real and it stabbed you right in the chest. You already had a feeling how she died even before you confirmed it. Because you know that fight, you know those demons. And when you read that article saying she hanged herself, that was it. You broke down, your heart just fell apart, you stared at the screen like it wasn’t real, but everything inside you was screaming. That’s when you finally cried hard.

You played your funeral song again, “Fire Woman,” the same song you planned to leave this world with, the one you keep for the nights you’re ready to leave. You cried so hard you couldn’t breathe. The voices came back telling you you’re fooling yourself thinking things are better, telling you you’ll always end up here. Telling you to just stop trying. You stood up and looked at the pills you’ve been keeping like insurance for when it’s time to go. It’s funny and scary how the meds that are supposed to help you could also kill you quickly. It hit you again how easy it could be, how fast everything could end.

And then you remembered June this year. When you were about to do it for real, you were so ready, you planned it, you made sure it was going to work. You were done. And then Chao called out of nowhere, twice. Two missed calls that saved your life without her knowing. And you were so angry because you wanted to go. You remember shouting at God asking why He always stops you, and then… Kousen scratching at your door like he refused to lose you. You finally returned the call after an hour or more. Chao cried even before you talked, she just knew, and when you told her everything, she cried even harder because she was far away and couldn’t hug you. You were supposed to end it but life didn’t let you.

Now Emman is gone and it’s like everything came back to you all at once. You can’t stop thinking… did she get signs like you did? Did she ignore them? Were the voices louder that time? Was she crying when she did it like you were crying too? Did she also write letters? Did she also feel like maybe everyone would be better off without her? The thoughts are so loud again. And your demons just won’t shut up. You keep thinking and thinking and thinking. Barbie Almalbis playing in the background like your life suddenly turned into a movie scene you never wanted to be in.

Chao checked up on you again after finding out about Emman and even changed your chat emoji to a bell like a code you could easily say when you can no longer fight your demons. She is that scared to lose you. Rose and Mica called too, pretending everything was normal, but you know why they called, they brought up Emman and said they’re glad you’re still here. And you smiled and thanked them but you didn’t tell them you’re drowning again, you didn’t tell them how much this triggered you. Because you feel like they don’t deserve to carry you anymore, because you’re scared they’ll feel like they failed if they knew the truth. You laughed during the call, you played fun singing games with them. For a while you forgot, but the moment the call ended, the darkness came back like it was waiting for you to be alone. And you started imagining your own funeral again. You saw your friends crying, saying sorry and wishing they saw the signs, you saw your family breaking, you even imagined Pancho and Kousen crying, not understanding why you won’t wake up and why you’re suddenly so cold, not wanting to leave beside your coffin. And the messed up part is that, that image hurts so bad… but it also gives you a weird kind of peace. Thinking that maybe finally everything will be quiet, because maybe if you go, you’ll finally be free from all of this. From the voices, from the meds. No more demons whispering in your head every damn day.

Then the weekend came and you had to take care of Summer because Rose was away last Saturday and you followed her to Batangas last Sunday. You saw nature, you touched the water, you breathed air that felt lighter and it helped even just a little. But once you were alone again, it all slammed back hard. And now here you are questioning if your suicide letters would even reach the right people. Should you post them here? Should you leave them on your bed? What will happen to your Kousen and Pancho? Will they really think you also abandoned them? Should you have them adopted first so they don’t wait for you by the door?

You don’t know what to do anymore. Your head is loud. Your heart is so tired. You’re just hoping tomorrow will hurt less. Or maybe… you’ll finally get the rest and freedom you’ve been searching for.

Love,

Your not so healing heart

[flowrrs4u]

I am good. I am loved.

[solantophile]

10-20-2025

Dear love,

You just finished watching The Summer I Turned Pretty, and you felt every single emotion in that series, the sadness, the longing, the confusion, the hope, the healing. You thought nothing could prepare you for it, but it still broke you big time. Susannah’s death, the grief that followed, the quiet ache that stayed even when everyone tried to move on, the longing that stays even when you pretend you’re okay. And what made it even more heartbreaking and beautiful was watching how Laurel carried that loss. Her friendship with Susannah was the kind of bond that felt rare and sacred, the kind that goes beyond words. The way they leaned on each other, the quiet loyalty, the way Laurel grieved her best friend while still trying to stay strong for everyone else, it hit deep. It reminded you of Chao. How distance can sometimes feel like loss too. She’s in Canada now, living her own life, and while you’re happy for her, a part of you still misses the everyday closeness, the laughs, the late night talks, the kind of presence that felt like home. Watching Laurel and Susannah made you realize that friendships like that are love stories too, just softer, quieter, and equally hard to let go of.

Then came all the complications, Belly, Jere, Connie, Steven and Taylor. The way love got messy, how people said and did the wrong things because they were young and didn’t know better, all the youth-driven dumb decisions. The way the parents, and friendships weigh in. You saw yourself in that. All the stupid, impulsive, emotional decisions you made back then, and how easy it was to confuse love with timing, comfort, or wanting to be chosen. But you don’t regret any of it. Because through every mistake, you learned and you grew. You got stronger, wiser, and yes, maybe even prettier lol.

The growing and healing part of the show hit you hardest. All of them trying to make peace with the parts of themselves that got lost along the way. You still think about that line Jere said that losing Belly hurt more than losing his mom, because his mom was gone, but Belly was still here, still living, just not with him. That line stayed with you because you understood it too well. That losing someone who’s still alive is a different kind of pain, it lingers. It reminded you so much of Jak. Whenever people ask how hurt you were after the breakup or how you managed to cope, you always say the same thing… that grieving the dead is easier than grieving the living. You read that somewhere once, and it stuck with you. Because how do you grieve someone who still walks under the same sky, breathes the same air, but no longer loves you the way they used to? That kind of grief is really quiet and stubborn, the kind that doesn’t announce itself but lives in small moments, in songs, in places, in silence, in remembering what once was. But even with all that pain, you’ve come so far since then.

And forgiveness, the show taught you isn’t about saying they deserved it, it’s about releasing the hold someone’s hurt had over you. Where you let go not because they earned it, but because you deserve freedom. Letting go not because they apologized, but because you finally chose peace over pain. You’ve learned to forgive the people who hurt you, even the ones who never said sorry. Your parents, Maine, Jak. You found peace not through their words, but through your own healing. And you know that when the time comes and you hear from Jak again, your heart will be fully calm because you’ve forgiven her for hurting you. You’ve already made peace with the ending. But more than anyone else, you’ve learned to forgive yourself. For almost giving up, for being too hard on yourself, for holding on too long to people who weren’t meant to stay. You finally understood that forgiving yourself is the first real act of love, the kind that sets you free, the kind that lets you start again, the kind that opens you up to everything good that’s still waiting for you.

And maybe that’s what you loved most about this show… how it made you remember how good love can feel. How it feels to be giddy again, to have butterflies, to care so much it scares you. Because after everything that happened with Jak, you’ve been so scared to fall in love again. You’ve been cautious, afraid of being hurt again. But watching this reminded you that love is still beautiful. That even if it’s messy and uncertain, it’s still worth feeling. And maybe someday, you’ll fall in love again, but this time, with the right person, while also loving yourself the right way. Just imagine how beautiful that could be.

And now you’re asking yourself… are you ready to be in love again? You honestly don’t know, maybe not yet, or maybe you’re getting there. What you do know is that you’re doing the right things to heal. You’re building yourself back up. You’re becoming the best version of you for you, and maybe someday, for the person who’ll meet you when you’re finally ready.

This show reminds you that life isn’t a straight path. It’s heartbreaks and healing, messy and magical. And you? You’re learning, you’re growing, and you’re getting ready for your next chapter.

So… here’s to you, your healing, your peace, to loving boldly, to being the right kind of ready, to loving yourself fully. And maybe… just maybe… to your future love.

With love,

Your healing heart

P.S. The soundtrack? Chef’s kiss 🤌 Listen to the audio, you’ll get it! Just a little reminder for future you.