Solaris

✍🏽 excerpts from my journals + internal monologues + stream of consciousness. 🩷 oversharing in private in public.

[sayhoneysiren]

[solaris-ots]

more, please.

[sayhoneysiren]

[sayhoneysiren]

[goldcoasthoney]

[xanaxfarts]

[solaris-ots]

I’m here for the view as well as the destination.

[chocoomilo]

everything always works itself out. all it takes is a matter of time, patience, faith and effort

[solaris-ots]

I am on a Journey to Sensuality.

Luxury. Pleasure. Connection. Creativity. These are some of the words I associate with Sensuality. Those and Sexiness.

Life is too short to be sterile.

I’m learning what sensuality means and what it is. I believe it is deeply personal. It goes beyond sex. Once again, I associate it with connection.

For the next 5 weeks, I am consciously practicing sensuality with a knowing that it is my natural state of being. 1 new practice per week. Each added on per week.

These are my five sensual practices:

1. Switching when I Walk.

I’ve seen women talk about this on TikTok and I’m inspired. What a beautiful, musical way to connect with your body. I have hips and a glorious ass, and yet I have been walking around like a plank. My body bounces. Why am I stopping her from Being? I should be encouraging her. Bounce. Sway. Switch.

I’m also going to do some belly dancing to connect with my waist.

2. Eating Slowly.

I want to taste, feel and savour. I LOVE food. When we love something, we want to experience it for as long as we can.

The slowness and intentionality of savouring are things we can definitely use outside of food too.

3. Moaning in Pleasure.

I don’t moan enough.

I don’t breathe deeply enough.

I don’t tease enough.

Sounds sometimes transcend words. A breathy and emphatic mmm can say a lot more than “you smell nice.” But you know what’s even better? Combination.

Why must I reserve my moans for sex?

4. Aromatic/Infused Baths.

I love a nice, hot bath.

I’ll add essential oils. I haven’t added roses to my bath since I was about 10 years old. When did I stop?

I will be doing that. And taking my time with it to just…feel my body and be in it.

After a nice, hot bath, I’ll take my time moisturizing my skin. Massaging myself. Perfuming myself. Speaking to myself.

5. Eye Contact.

“The eyes are the window to the soul.” I’ve been hearing that since childhood but I haven’t really been looking into people’s souls.

I haven’t let anyone into mine.

I want to connect more with myself and others, and looking into people’s eyes is how I’d like to do it.

The intimacy of eye contact is so beautiful.

[solaris-ots]

I am so back.

[solaris-ots]

The Law says:

I have my desires.

The Law says:

I am The Law.

[sunkissed27]

[solaris-ots]

What does healthy friendship look like?

[solaris-ots]

What does romance mean?

Is it a feeling or an action? Can there even be feeling without action?

What makes an action romantic?

I want to know.

What’s the difference between flirting and just speaking?

[solaris-ots]

Wow, it’s taken me years to make 25 posts. An honour.

[tracezsstuff]

[solaris-ots]

I want to get my daily D.O.S.E

[aloyhh]

You're too full of life to be half loved by someone.

[svdaily]

You deserve the love of storybooks and fairytales.

[solaris-ots]

I Can't C*m Because I Feel Like I'm Sinning.

I don't know how else to say it but that's...how I've been feeling. I'll try not to ramble. Please bear with me.

Context: I've been trying to be a better Christian. I didn't grow up a super religious kid. We just believed in God and went to church sometimes. And prayed. I am seeking God for myself.

***

I've had sex before. I enjoy it.

I haven't dated anyone in a while, so I haven't had sex in a while. It's easy to not have sex in that case…because it’s absent.

That I'm unattached is not so true anymore. And I'm struggling. I want him. Simple. Potent.

I've also genuinely enjoyed getting to know my body.

Biblically and Intimately. Learning how to masturbate. Doing skincare. Allowing myself to be sensual.

So l've been investing time in...DJ lessons, where l spend time by myself figuring out toys, pressure, pleasure areas. I decided to have a lesson a few nights ago, and right when my toes were curling and my body was tingling and my back arching and I started to feel a light... right when my nipples finally joined the party... I was blocked by overwhelming shame.

It was jarring.

***

Sinner!

These days, I'm seeing a lot more people talk more openly about sex (maybe it's because l've grown and l'm in more mature circles). A lot of them are Christian women because, like I said, I'm trying to be a better Christian. So I follow Christian content creators.

The conversation is Celibacy This And That. No Sex Before Marriage. Be Pure. No Temptation. It's Okay If You've Ducked, Pray And Just Don't Do It.

So that's what's in my head and why I'm up in the night frustrated, having read a few verses that tell me to not give in, thinking about how I am afraid to touch myself or think about even touching this man.

[solaris-ots]

I feel like I’m always raving about Sex and Desire. It’s like a storm within me—violent.

I feel like this is a safe place to express that. Let it rain.