hello, i saw your comment on my haruchiyo fic and wanted to thank you for your kind words ( į“ĶĖ¬į“Ķ)ą“ i appreciate it a lot.
but more importantly, i have been reading your takes & headcanons on the tr boys and agree so, so much with them ā you understand them so well. you singlehandedly brought back my love for the series, thank you so much <33
WHAATTTT!!!! oh my gosh iām so happy i reignited ur love for tr!! i hope i inspire you to keep writing because iāve only seen a few of your works and iād love to see more of your style. glad you think i have an understanding of the tr boys as well. itās so easy to get lost in your fics even though iām not into certain characters, you just depict them so well ź ą»ź°ą¾ą½²ĖµĖ į ĖĖµ ź±ą¾ą½²į!
something that differentiates keisuke & manjiro from ken is their approach to relationships.
tw āؾ toxic relationships. mentally ill reader. mentions of self-harm.
āā Ū¶ą§
ken is arguably one of the most rational men in tokyo revengers. when the environment is too toxic, when a friend is too gone, ken extracts himself immediately. heās not the type of person to think wishfully and act on hope. he knows he canāt defy gravity just as he canāt bring back the dead. heāll mourn over the loss of a bond, but deep in his heart, heāll know everything happens for a reason, and that itās not really the end.
if you, his significant other, were to fall ill in a way that went deeper than a fever, ken would be right at your side, aiding you in everything. heād pay for your therapy. remove you from unfit situations. make life easier for youāwashing your dishes, bringing you food, taking you out or letting you stay inside depending on how your mood is.
but if you, in any way, forsake him more than once, he is done. the thing that matters most to him is his peace. that doesnāt mean heās a selfish person. it means heās realistic, because he knows the only mind that heāll forever be stuck in is his, and he knows that fucking it up will lead to destruction of not only himself, but everyone around him.
heās a forgiving person but that does not mean heās a doormat. heāll turn a blind eye to your mistakes for the first few times, but if you make it apparent that you refuse to get better, then thereās no possibility of him staying. heās a good listener; a blunt person who does not bend around bushes or dance among futile reasoning. you need to be straightforward with him, he refuses to play games with you. if you express that you want him gone, truly gone, he will leave. he canāt cling onto tattered pieces of love, destroying his own brain just for another person who doesnāt even want to be helped.
keisuke and manjiro vastly differ from ken in that sense.
no matter how many times you try to break either of them, they will not leave. once youāre in their heart, youāre in there forever, no way out. you can try holding a gun to their head. but know that even as you pull the trigger, theyāll die worshipfully at your feet.
initially, this may not seem so. keisuke is a person who never forgets. manjiro is an ignorant one. if you betray keisuke, your stinger will be pierced still into his heart but heāll cut you off, and if you betray manjiro, you wonāt even appear as a tree in his dreamsāthis is in the golden stage of a bond with them, when theyāre testing you and deeming you as trustworthy or not. finally, when you prove to them that youāre worthy of their love, theyāll eternally perceive you that way. that initial stage of gaining their trust is the most important. once you do that, youāll never be alone so long as they exist.
both of them will do anything and everything in their power to help you get better. theyāre no strangers to mental illness; just look at their crowd.
keisuke especially has a soft spot for the disturbed. he loves strays of all kinds, animal or human. heāll regard you deeply and protect you from everything, including your own cruel thoughts. heāll whisper sweet nothings that he truly means and kiss away your tears. when you spiral into a point of seldom return, keisuke is desperate, scrabbling and clawing at anything available. you may have wrecked his bike, but last tuesday, you told him you loved him; that has to count for something. thereās still hope. he can still save you. heāll remove every sharp object from your house, store enough food in your fridge, get you all the plushies and emotional support you need. as much as he knows your whims will lead to more nothingness and drag you deeper, he canāt say no. heāll become obsessed with trying to pull you out of the void. even though he knows, deep down, no matter how many times he stops you from hurting yourself, no matter how many times he begs you to come back to himāto yourself, no matter how many times heās quite literally tied you to your bed so you canāt do anything harmful, youāre not going to come back. and heāll grieve over it for the rest of his life.
manjiro is detached. he doesnāt understand emotion in the first place, especially not those belonging to someone who isnāt ānormalā. in reality, he has no concept of normal himselfāwhatever draken deems, he shrugs and agrees. society is crap to him. he wonāt bother even trying to put himself in your shoes, heās just not capable of that kind of sentiment, unlike keisuke. but manjiro will go to lengths to get you what you want and learn how to handle you. his morals are quite off, so even if you ask to do heinous things, he wonāt say no. heāll have to do some research on how to properly clean blood off of surfaces on your behalf. he doesnāt exactly know what youāre doing or feeling is ābadā ā why would it be bad if you were happy when you did it? is that not what matters? his heart, which he thought hollow for so long, breaks a little every time you or his loved ones get hurt, so he tries everything to avoid you being upset. it takes a whole council of his friends to get through to his skull that you need actual help.
around 2019 till 2022, i was severely obsessed with astrology, so iām loosely basing this on my past knowledge of scorpios + having two super close november scorpio best friends and also growing up with some. i really, really love scorpios, and being obsessed with a character who turns out to be one is just the cherry on top for me.
iām aware that ken wakui may have randomized zodiac signs for the characters, so some people might not take this character analysis seriously, but as someone whoās in love with keisuke and scorpios, i wholeheartedly doubt that him being a scorpio was a random decision. and with this character analysis i will convince you that iām right! (not proofread i was kissing my cat in between paragraphs)
letās start with why his birth date and the planets positions are even relevant to this analysis. astrology isnāt about planets magically controlling peopleās actions, itās about patterns, symbolism, and timing, especially when it comes to personality and internal wiring. scorpio is ruled by pluto in modern astrology and co-ruled by mars. that āco-ruledā part matters, because pluto wasnāt discovered until 1930 so traditionally scorpio was ruled by mars alone. modern astrology leans more heavily on pluto because it does a much better job explaining scorpios, so for the sake of this analysis weāre focusing on modern astrology more.
in 1990 (the year keisuke baji was born) coincidentally pluto was in the sign of scorpio. this is a real big deal to me because pluto moves extremely slow, it takes from 12 to 30 years to move through a single sign, and about 248 years to move through the entire zodiac. so when someone is born while pluto is in their sun sign that energy is basically doubled. keisuke isnāt just a scorpio man, heās a scorpio born during a time when scorpioās ruling planet was sitting in its own sign.
before i continue, i need you to keep in mind that astrologically, mars and pluto are treated as two of the most intense planets to have as a ruler, so keisuke being a scorpio just. makes. sense to me.
MARS : named after the roman god of war.
aggression, drive, survival instinct, courage, willpower, libido, grit, loyalty, protective instincts, ability to stay calm in crisis.
what it rules in you: how you go after what you want, how you defend yourself, how you handle anger, how you compete, how you act under pressure.
mars in scorpio is not loud and impulsive like aries which is where you guys love to box him into, mars in scorpio is more observant and strategic but still relentless when itās 100% sure of the move itās gonna pull.
not so pretty side : revenge driven, paranoia, holding grudges.
PLUTO (modern ruler of scorpio) : named after pluto/hades, god of the underworld.
transformation, obsession, intensity, control, taboo, endings/beginnings, psychological depth, resilience, healing power, emotional bravery, ability to rebuild after devastation.
what it rules in you: where you feel compelled, where you canāt do āsurface-level,ā where you shed a skin and become someone else, how you deal with power, fear, and trust.
pluto in scorpio is basically scorpioās signature: x-ray vision for people, magnetic, āall or nothing.ā type of mindset, scorpio-pluto energy wants truth even if itās ugly, and it doesnāt fear the dark, it uses it. (gonna explain that later ik itās sounds so corny.)
once you look at his character astrologically, his personality stops looking like āhaha he burns cars when heās hungry and canāt write!ā comic relief you guys seem to love using. heās far from impulsive in the empty-headed way people like to box him into.
ok so we all know his unfortunate stereotype is chaotic adrenaline junkie, impulsive, punches without confrontation.. blah blah blah, right? once again, this is based on what iāve seen in the manga and spin-off. along with scorpio traits that actually apply to him as canonically as possible, so iām going to try not to be as biased as possible even though iām deeply in love with him :
so scorpio energy isnāt about acting without thought. itās about acting after a decision has already been made internally. keisuke doesnāt do anything casually. once he decides something matters, he commits fully, and that level of commitment gets mistaken for impulsiveness by people who donāt understand how he operates.
he isnāt chasing adrenaline for fun. heās responding to situations as if they carry real consequences, because to him, they do. he doesnāt treat things lightly, he doesnāt half-engage, and he doesnāt leave room for āmaybe.ā when keisuke moves, itās because heās already accepted the cost of that decision. thatās why his actions look extreme from the outside. not because he didnāt think, but because he already did.
okay, letās base him into the kind of guy that loves fights, being an adrenaline junkie, punching-first type. wouldnāt a guy like that brag about his wins? about how his punches are described as a wrecking ball? -kojiro hishi after getting punched by KID kei mind you :3. isnāt thatās usually how characters like this are written and expected to act? loud, proud, obsessed with reputation? but guess what! keisuke canonically isnāt proud of being in a gang, and he doesnāt romanticize delinquency at all. we literally see this when chifuyu keeps bringing up toman and how cool it is, and keisuke gets visibly annoyed, shuts it down, and changes the subject.
he just wants to be friends with chifuyu, not admired for being in a gang.
although this could be seen as him just disliking posers since iām pretty sure this isnāt the first time heās had a guy gush over a āmotorcycle gangā to him and asked to join, but thereās a specific thing he said later on in the chapters that imply that he sees toman as a necessary structure, not an identity or something to brag about, and this is where him being a scorpio just adds to it.
now letās start talking about this in astrology terms! so scorpio is tied to pluto which deals with survival, power dynamics, and the things people rely on when ācleanā or respectable options donāt exist. scorpioās arenāt concerned with image, praise, or how something looks from the outside, thatās more leo or libra territory. scorpio cares about function, what something does, who it protects, and what it costs to maintain it. if something is ugly, dangerous, or morally gray but necessary, scorpio will still choose it without trying to make it look pretty. (which he literally did lol, he came up with the idea of creating a gang to protect his friends and make them feel like they belong somewhere.)
āmaybe a motorcycle gang isnāt something to be praised for, but there are times when people who can only survive in such a place can meet others and grow. kazutora was like that.ā
the only thing that matters to him is that it gives him a way to protect the people heās loyal to and have a place where they feel like they belong. he doesnāt defend it as noble, and he doesnāt pretend itās admirable (besides the fact that he got to do that with his friends.) he accepts it for what it is. thatās why he doesnāt really fuck with being only labeled as a captain of the first division and only ever refers to himself that way when heās threatening someone.
i feel like authority to him is something you pull out when itās useful. itās literally just how gang members talk to other gang members. you donāt see keisuke walking around like āiām a captain of a gang!!!!!!ā like chifuyu lowkey would. because to keisuke, thatās being a poser.. and he does not fuck with posers.
his hatred of posers and fake loyalty ties into him being a scorpio as well. scorpio is extremely sensitive to authenticity, especially when trust is involved. keisuke doesnāt care about loud declarations or people trying too hard to prove themselves. when chifuyu was practically begging to get into toman and pushing to become his right-hand man, keisuke genuinely didnāt care, if anything, he thought he was being a dumbass. effort without substance means nothing to him.
what actually mattered were chifuyuās actions throughout the manga. he consistently proved that he could handle pressure, consequences, and the weight that comes with being keisukeās right-hand man and being part of toman at all. keisuke didnāt trust him just because of his dramatic loyalty speeches. hell chifuyu was practically sobbing in front of him, going on about watching his dad die for someone he didnāt even know and wanting to sacrifice his own life the same way, and keisukeās reaction was basically š.
what earned chifuyu a place beside him wasnāt a sob story (sorry fuyu ily) it was consistency. keisuke watched and tested him, and he saw that his dedication didnāt fall apart when shit got serious. once chifuyu proved he could stand firm under pressure instead of collapsing under it, thatās when keisuke understandably trusted him.
this is also why keisuke trusted takemichi almost immediately. takemichi isnāt impressive on the surface, but he can tell takemichi was genuinely trying his best for the sake of tomanās future, and the willingness to stand firm even when it hurts. that mattered more to him than strength or reputation. once someone shows they can be relied on, keisuke trust settles in.
also!!! if keisuke really were the reckless, impulsive dumbass people like to paint him as, no one would trust his judgment!! but when he brought chifuyu into the executive meeting against yotsuya kaidan, nobody seriously questioned it besides a simple āwhoās this guy?ā and tbh that says everything. there was no concern that chifuyu might be a liability, because if keisuke vouched for someone, that was enough (mitsuyaās words).
that level of trust doesnāt come easily from a scorpio, it seemed like everyone knew keisuke wouldnāt just bring anybody into a situation that serious, especially not someone who could jeopardize him or the gang. he would clock that immediately (cough kisaki cough) the fact that his judgment went unquestioned proves that the people around him understood exactly how selective he is, no matter how wild he might look from the outside.
the biggest thing people miss is that what looks like keisukeās ārecklessā tendency to act alone. bloody halloween and going after kensho by himself isnāt recklessness at all. itās self-erasure.
keisuke repeatedly chooses to take on pain, risk, and blame alone because pluto-heavy scorpio energy doesnāt treat suffering as something to avoid, it treats it as something that has to be carried. in astrological terms pluto is associated with crisis, endurance, and transformation through loss, which is why astrologers often describe pluto-dominant people as those who cannot bypass suffering, they have to go through it. pain in this framework isnāt impulsive, itās necessary, and often the cost of staying in control.
which makes me think about how keisuke might be a control freak, and iām not talking about the type of control freak where heās nit picky and bossy etc, but leaning towards more emotional? so scorpios are associated with emotional containment and self regulation, that means scorpios tend to control situations to prevent loss, betrayal or irreversible damage. they get more controlling when it comes to preventing shit from going down and taking the hit rather than egotistical control.
scorpios are pretty paranoid and overthink over everything, constantly worrying about the āwhat ifāsā, so they try to control everything so the what ifs wouldnāt happen.
that mindset explains why keisuke consistently puts his own life second. to him, protecting kazutoraās future over his own safety and walking into danger without backup arenāt careless decisions, theyāre very well thought out. in keisukeās mind, if something is going to go wrong, it should fall on him and no one else. someone has to absorb the damage, and he consciously chooses to be that person.
this is also why his behavior gets mislabeled as impulsive when it isnāt. he isnāt unaware of the risk, heās fully conscious of it. but pluto-scorpio energy doesnāt prioritize self-preservation first, it prioritizes containment of harm. choosing danger isnāt about thrill-seeking, itās about making sure the consequences stop with him.
heās very much capable of stopping others from acting rashly because he understands consequences, he just chooses to absorb those consequences himself later. (stopping chifuyu from going after kenshoās ass kissers then later on tried to go find kensho himself without telling chifuyu and ryusei.) keisuke isnāt impulsive with others, heās just ruthless with himself.
his real flaw isnāt acting without thought, itās refusing to let anyone else share the weight. once he decides something is his responsibility, he locks everyone else out, even when doing so puts him in danger. thatās not āooo chaoticā. thatās someone who has decided their own safety is expendable if it means protecting the people they care about.
so when keisuke comes across as intense, intimidating, or frightening, it isnāt because heās cruel or unstable. itās because scorpios never soften themselves to be easily understood. he acts without hesitation. from the outside, that looks like heās being reckless and an idiot, from the inside, to HIM, it makes sense. and when you start viewing him this way, his personality stops being a joke and starts looking like someone who lives by loyalty, purpose, and conviction, even when it costs him.
enough of that.. letās talk more about his personality on the lighter side!
heās respectful!! and mindful of his surroundings!! he takes certain boundaries seriously. him yelling at chifuyu and ryusei for being loud in a hospital is such a good example. youād expect someone whoās loud, impulsive, and constantly chasing stimulation to cause chaos everywhere, but he acknowledges that there are places where you behave, and he knows exactly where that line is.
heās also famously terrible at texting. its not alarming that he doesnāt respond to your texts. i genuinely think heās the type of guy who forgets his phone exists and then just shows up at your door if he has something important to say.
another thing people overlook is how much he trusts his friends judgment. likeā¦ enough to look stupid for it. fuck you mikey and draken oh my god. making my baby look ridiculous.
him being interested in becoming a detective is also extremely scorpio-coded.
he is a hothead though. that part is real and iām not gonna try to āheās misunderstood!ā that š. scorpios are known for having a low tolerance for repeated annoyance, itās not that they explode instantly, itās that they expect you to get the message the first time LMAO. bother him twice about the same thing and youāre fucked. most of his friends know exactly how far they can push before backing off.
lowkey the type of guy that expects you to read his mind, if you donāt do it within ā¦ 10 seconds heās yelling at you LMAO.
scorpio trait : heās type to hold grudges, if someone fucks this man over heās genuinely never letting that go. also the type to hold grudges FOR you, he has a massive problem with the forgiving and forgetting.
this gets mentioned a lot here, but he genuinely has an insane radar for fake people. when a scorpio doesnāt trust someone for āno reason,ā believe them. itās rarely random. they pick up things anyone else could miss. they might not explain it well, and they definitely wonāt justify it to make you comfortable.
heās the type to trust his gut, leaving everything to his instincts.
i think iāve also mentioned this multiple times here but heās an insane lie detector, small meaningless lies, a persona your performing, even if he has no idea who you are, trust me when i say he caught on. (he wouldnāt call out if he doesnāt feel like it, heās most likely to play along.. but keeping it in mind that youāre words are untrustworthy.)
also heās the type to have really good memory! scorpioās are known for remembering everything that carries emotional weight. moments like tone shifts, things people said once and forgot about, promises, patterns, etc. keisuke remembers what matters. thatās why he catches fake people so fast and why he never forgets who showed up for him and who didnāt
i feel like he has trouble communicating his feelings, since itās a scorpio trait. scorpios feel deeply, but they donāt translate emotion into words easily. itās not that they donāt know what they feel, itās that saying it out loud feels pointless to them. keisuke especially communicates through actions first. protecting, showing up, taking responsibility, staying. thatās how he communicates. when it comes to actually verbalizing whatās going on inside his head, he shuts down or deflects. heād rather act than explain. rather take the hit than talk about how much it hurts.
itās not an unknown fact when i say that keisukeās unpredictable, none of his actions make sense to anyone but himself and he prefers it that way.
i feel like heās also the type of guy where he reveals whatās safe to reveal, not a fear of being vulnerable, cmon, heās a blunt guy. but more as in heās a private person. heād come off as an open book but if you really think about it.. you donāt know shittttt about him. heās the type of guy to know everything about a friend down to their grandmaās name but that friend wouldnāt know anything about keisuke much.
scorpios have high standards and high expectations for people so they tend to get disappointed often, and i very much apply that to keisuke bc yeah, he does, that checks.
heās not the type of guy you should go to for advice if you want some wisdom.. he would get mad FOR you. (āmy resolution? air strikes. bomb them. bomb them.. keep bombing them, bomb then again, and again.ā after you told him about a bitch that crossed you.)
BONUS because this is too cute not to include. his mom being kind of spiritual is such a fun detail into the spin off manga, she made him and chifuyu rearrange the apartment for ābetter luckā after he broke his arm. itās so cute how keisuke just went along with it even though he thinks itās ridiculous. (which makes me think that him with a spiritual s/o would be such a fun dynamic.)
āi wasnāt trying to run from my past. but i didnāt know how to face it.ā
sigh.. this topic crushes me, we all know guilt is one of the biggest things keisuke carries, this is undeniable when it comes to his character bc that shit was literally on your face, you cannot āhaha dumbass who burns carsā yourself around it.
my favorite ones are in a letter from baji, where we get to see a bit more of his pov after the incident. when mikey tells him, ādonāt worry about it, baji. itās not your fault,ā while heās overwhelmed with regret, keisuke still couldnāt forgive himself. āif only i had stopped him back then.ā even with mikey explicitly telling him he isnāt to blame, keisuke refuses to let it go.
this becomes a clear flaw in how he processes responsibility, and this is where his scorpio traits line up: scorpio is a fixed water sign, and fixed signs are known for persistence, holding on, difficulty letting go, and internalization rather than release, so when something happens, scorpio energy doesnāt process it by āmoving onā like mutable signs or āacting it out and forgettingā like cardinal ones, it keeps it, storing emotional events instead of moving on.
and scorpio is one of the few signs willing to go to emotional depths that other signs actively avoid. a lot of people sense where the pain and the fear is and stop there, because they understand that if they go any deeper, something in them will die. scorpio doesnāt back away from that. scorpio goes there anyway. it faces the fear head-on because it understands that transformation requires destruction first. thatās part of its strength. scorpio knows that to get what it wants (which is always something deeply meaningful and important to them) it has to confront what hurts instead of staying where itās safe.
combined with plutoās rulership, which emphasizes irreversible events, loss that canāt be undone, and consequences over intentions, this creates a mindset where outcomes matter more than excuses. and by excuses, i mean the context keisuke never allows himself to use. that he was twelve. that he didnāt want to steal the bike in the first place. that he didnāt know it was shinichiroās shop. pluto doesnāt care about that. in his mind, something happened, he was there, therefore heās implicated.
so basically keisukeās guilt comes with the fact that he was present. the way he carries the incident with kazutora suggests that in his mind there must have been something he missed or failed to prevent.
and one thing that i see most people brush off is the fact that even when keisuke didnāt wanna steal the bike, he still went along. his loyalty runs deep enough that it overrides caution, and when shit goes down, he turns the blame inward rather than outward like kazutora did.
that pattern lines up with scorpioās tendency to take ownership of emotional fallout instead of deflecting it, processing guilt through control, containment, and emotional self-regulation, and his way of reacting is by taking ownership and attempting to prevent recurrence. thatās where guilt turns into self-sacrifice, refusing to forgive himself, attempting to āmake up for it,ā choosing punishment over moving on, thatās scorpioās control mechanism.
mars as scorpioās co-ruler explains why this guilt doesnāt stay abstract. mars governs action, response, taking responsibility physically, and doing something about the problem, so scorpio guilt often turns into behavior like self-punishment through risk, over-responsibility, or physical and behavioral atonement rather than self-forgiveness.
so instead of letting himself be absolved when mikey reassured him that itās not his fault, keisuke tries to compensate by protecting kazutoraās future over his own life and repeatedly putting himself in danger. these are his attempts to atone. he treats suffering as something that has to be endured to balance what canāt be undone. thatās why this guilt never really resolves. scorpio doesnāt process pain by talking it out or rationalizing it away, it processes it by carrying it forward and changing behavior around it. keisuke never gives himself the grace of context or age, even though he was a child at the time. he frames the outcome as a personal failure and spends the rest of his life trying to make up for it, even when the guilt heās trying to repay was never fully his to begin with.
and just to be clear, this isnāt saying scorpio equals trauma or guilt by default, or that astrology excuses behavior. itās simply describing how, when guilt exists, scorpio processes it in this specific way.
before i start this, do not come to me crying about a scorpio that cheated on you or broke your heart, thereās multiple layers to a scorpio, thereās that ādeveloped scorpio and undeveloped scorpioā bs and also other dominant sign in their chart that mightāve explained why they were a whore in the relationship! but in this context.. keisuke would neeevverrr cheat or betray you in any way.
ugh, i love a complicated man.. when it comes to love, keisuke doesnāt express it softly. in his chart, love is experienced deeply but expressed through actions rather than words. i can imagine his love language being quality time and acts of service.
scorpios donāt do casual love or be the ones to love bomb. theyāre committed for the long term. for keisuke, the way he loves isnāt words of affirmation or big displays. itās undeniable loyalty, putting himself between danger and the person he cares about. (uhh.. clearly!)
to him, loyalty is the foundation of love. i know you guys might be sick of me constantly mentioning loyalty here but im so very serious, when i tell you that being loyal means everything to keisuke. attraction, chemistry.. that āsparkā, it all comes 2nd to āwill you stay when itās bad?ā
another thing about scorpios is that theyāre stubbornly persistent when it comes to staying with a person, even when that person is bad for them emotionally. a scorpio will stay until they hate you. no matter the arguments, no matter the misunderstandings, no matter how exhausting it gets. nothing will stop keisuke from chasing after you until you give him a reason he physically cannot justify anymore. and that reason is almost always betrayal. youād have to cross a very specific and serious line for him to finally let go. which.. in a way i see it is both a good and a bad thing.
keisuke will endure a toxic relationship for way longer than he should if it means staying with you. love makes him stubborn in a way thatās almost frustrating to watch. i can easily imagine him being blinded by it, which is wild considering how quickly he clocks fake people. heāll read everyone else perfectly, but somehow wonāt clock the fact that heās been poking a dead horse for months. heāll keep trying, keep pushing, keep convincing himself that if he just tries harder, itāll fix itself.
and the thing is, sometimes no amount of loyalty, attraction, or shared history can save a relationship. sometimes it just doesnāt work. but keisuke doesnāt accept that easily. heās the type to keep chasing after you to āfix it,ā even if every conversation turns into an argument and nothing actually improves. to him, walking away feels worse than staying miserable, because staying means he hasnāt given up yet.
this kind of persistence comes from the same place as his loyalty. scorpio doesnāt detach cleanly. it holds on and refuses to release something itās already invested in. for keisuke, letting go isnāt just ending a relationship, itās admitting that something he committed to failed. and he will fight that reality until thereās nothing left to fight for.
off track kinda but i need to say this, in a relationship with keisuke, thereās a couple things you shouldnāt do if you donāt wanna push iām away, donāt lie to him, donāt go back and forth, donāt drag him along, donāt lead him on just because youāre attached when youāve already checked out of the relationship. keisuke isnāt asking for perfection. all he expects is consistency, honesty, and emotional reliability. thatās it. heās not high maintenance.
the moment you start contradicting yourself, shifting your stance, or keeping him around out of comfort while youāve mentally moved on, youāre done. not because he canāt handle conflict, trust me that man will tell you shit to your face if he needs to, but because he canāt handle instability. once he realizes that what you say and what you do donāt line up, something in him shuts off. cause now he canāt trust you anymore.
for someone like keisuke, inconsistency feels worse than a clean ending. he can endure arguments, long rough patches. what he wonāt tolerate is being emotionally jerked around. break trust, break honesty, or break reliability, and youāll just lose him completely.
oh my god scorpios are SO fucking good at disappearing without a trace, completely gone from your radar.
also, i feel like in a relationship, keisuke is far more comfortable being the one who protects than the one who is protected. love, to him, isnāt about being leaned on emotionally. itās about being solid enough that someone else doesnāt have to fall apart.
ok letās get to the fun part, how do you get keisuke to fall in love with you?
first of all, keisuke does not give a fuck about what you look like. your clothes, your weight, your teeth,, literally nothing, heās not shallow at all. just be real with him. like actually 100% real. donāt worry about saying the wrong thing, stuttering, being awkward, or pissing yourself because heās scary looking. he doesnāt care at all and heās not really judgmental in a way you think, at least not towards women. what he does care about is authenticity! donāt be a poser. donāt try too hard to be in his circle. trust me, heāll notice immediately and itāll turn him off just as fast.
heād fall for someone kind, honest, imperfect, sincere, and selflessly loyal. someone consistent. someone who isnāt all talk. he does not fuck with empty promises! if you say something once, he will remember it. and if you donāt follow through, he will also remember that. his memory is insane. every little thing you say gets stored somewhere in his brain.
that being said, iām not saying heād fall in love with an oversharer. he doesnāt need someone spilling their entire life story on the first hangout š. he likes people who are layered.. and complicated. show him that thereās more to you than whatās on the surface. he loves a little mystery to solve. god once he realizes you have secrets, heāll be all over you trying to understand every part of you. in a āyouāre interesting and i want to know moreā way.
scorpios also tend to test people, but not in a calculated āok time to put you through a psychological examā way. it just happens naturally. heāll notice how you move. do you keep things private or do you like to chatter? do you stay respectful when youāre upset? do you mean what you say? do you stand by your word? do you switch up when other people are watching? and confidentiality matters a LOT to him. if you tell your friends everything, screenshot your convos with him, gossip about him or his friends, youāre done. heāll keep you in the āfunā category and you will never become āmine.ā
donāt chase him either. donāt fish for compliments. donāt constantly ask ādo you like me?ā or āwhat am i to you?ā but also donāt be passive. do not act nonchalant, iām begging you. be clear. show interest without begging for it back. keep your dignity. let him see that you want him, but that youāre not desperate for validation.
also donāt copy his personality. matching energy is fine, mirroring him completely is not. he wants you, not a watered-down version of himself.
heās naturally pretty guarded, so donāt ever expect him to be open and welcoming during the talking stage, or friendship even. but heās really good at making it seem like heās not guarded, you only notice when you start really thinking.. do you know keisuke as much as he knows you?
if youāre wondering āhow do i show him i could be loyal?ā donāt show him? hello? youāre being performative. he does not fuck with ābtw i did this for you.ā show youāre loyal to him quietly. defend him when heās not around. donāt entertain disrespect about him. keep your promises. show up when itās inconvenient. remember what matters to him. make him feel like the bond is protected even when heās not watching.
do NOT play hot and cold with him. playing hard to get is not a āchallengeā to scorpios. do not show him that youāre unreliable. if you say āiāll call you later,ā literally call him later. donāt flake. ever. consistency is attractive to him. mystery is fine, unreliability is not.
and finally, DO NOT try to control him. ever. ever. he doesnāt soften himself to be loved, if you donāt love him the way he is.. fuck you? first of all? but also donāt be weak, donāt fold just to be liked. he likes someone with a backbone, he will literally fuck with you a little just to see if you stand your ground. have an inner authority, know who you are, and donāt bend yourself into something smaller for him.
thatās how you get him. not by being perfect or hot and have big tits. but by being real, consistent, and solid enough that he can trust you without having to question it.
before anyone asks me this, heās neither a titties or an ass man! heās personality! iām dead serious! š
also.. getting him to like you is not like being deployed in iraq i promise heās just very selective š
and now letās get into why wakui picked him for best boyfriend! before anyone says āitās out of all of toman šā and yet he beat your āperfectā boys mitsuya and hakkai. and draken who grew up with women all around him..? huuuhhā¦
once again this goes with him being a scorpio ruled by pluto and also him as a character.
1. he would literally die for you. literally. like actually. like deadass. your safety matters more than his own. he doesnāt weigh risk the way other people do when it comes to someone he loves. his instinct is protection, always.
2. thereās a constant sense of being seen. he doesnāt run away from the ugly parts, doesnāt flinch when things get messy or uncomfortable. heās the kind of guy who understands you in ways you havenāt even fully put together yet. you never feel invisible with him.
3. he listens, oh my gosh he listens so well. he remembers everything you liked, even if you mentioned it once and forgot you even said that to him.
4. heās such a yearner.. but not in the way you think.
a pluto ruled scorpio yearn for emotional closeness, once theyāre in love, thereās a constant pull toward their partner, wanting to understand them better, wanting to feel emotionally in sync, wanting to be the person their partner comes back to at the end of the day.
that one meme where itās like āi wanna be inside my partner so deep our souls get intertwined,ā keisuke cannot be more serious. scorpios want to be near you, involved with you, folded into your life.
scorpios also yearn to be chosen back, not reassured constantly, but known deeply and stayed with. they want to feel like the bond matters as much to you as it does to them. inconsistency hurts them more than they admit.
heās also the type of guy who would try so fucking hard for your parents validation. because to him it means access to you more personally, and being more involved in your life permanently. there is genuinely no bigger heartbreak to him than your mom disliking him.
what makes him an almost perfect boyfriend is how seriously he takes the bond. he doesnāt treat love as entertainment or convenience, he treats it like a real responsibility. once youāre his, youāre 100% protected.
heās the kind of partner who notices when your mood shifts before you say anything, who positions himself between you and anything that might hurt you, physically and figuratively. the kind of partner that remembers your boundaries and enforces them even when youāre not around. heās loyal in a way that never makes you question where you stand, because his actions make it clear.
conflict doesnāt feel like a threat to the relationship with him, it feels like something to work through, because he doesnāt scare easily when things get real.
and ugh.. keisuke does not need you to be easy to love.
you could genuinely be a nuisance to him. absolutely fucking annoying. needy. insecure. asking for reassurance every five seconds. spiraling over dumb shit. and the funny thing is, in a relationship with keisuke you realistically wouldnāt even need that reassurance, because that man is solid as a rock. heās not going anywhere.
but even if you are like that, even if you feel unlovable, exhausting, or too much, he would never pull away, heās not the type of guy that gets scared off by your āmessā. he doesnāt love you less when youāre inconvenient. he loves you through it. heās the type of guy that makes you realize you were never as hard to love as you thought.
and what really gets me is that he doesnāt just ātolerateā you during those moments (even though he wouldnāt see it as tolerating). he shows you over and over again without even trying that youāre still chosen. that youāre still wanted. that your worst days donāt suddenly make you disposable. his consistency is what does the healing. no words of affirmation can compare to that, just the fact that he stays exactly the same with you even when you feel like youāre falling apart. keisuke loves in a way that teaches you youāre worth loving. not because he says it, but because his behavior never changes when youāre difficult, insecure, or convinced youāre too much. and once you experience that kind of love, itās hard to settle for anything that feels conditional ever again.
BONUS : if youāre in a relationship w him expect him to demand to have your location open 24/7. heās not the type to check it every 5 minutes, itās more for his own peace of mind, just incase youāre ever in trouble.
iāve talked about this in my account before but iām gonna talk about it again idc.
if a scorpio has ever flirted with you, youād know exactly what iām talking about when i say that heād stare at you.
he doesnāt smile at you during it like other people would if they caught someone staring at them, his eyes doesnāt dart around or look you up and down either, scorpios hold the stare directly at your eyes, more-so your soul. iām sooo serious. itās so intense that itās enough to make you uncomfortable under their gaze.
scorpios arenāt the type for pick up lines and cheesy shit, if a scorpio likes you, theyād ask about you, try to get to know you more, focus on you. heād be so attentive to everything you say, ask follow up questions, remember small details about you like which soda flavor is your favorite or how you like your coffee etc.
if you two were hanging out with the gang, heād pull you away from them for a more intimate and private moment. doesnāt have to be because he has something important to say, itās more āyou wanna go grab coffee right now?ā or āyou wanna get outta here for a bit?ā heād constantly seek one on one time with you.
eye contact. eye contact. EYE. CONTACT.
scorpioās also make themselves known to you, in any way that seems appealing to you. (example : if you like confidence, heād come off as more direct towards you. if you like being teased, heāll build a connection with you over that.)
also, marsās rulership in scorpio is very āif i want it im gonna have itā energy, so trust me when i say that if keisuke has his eyes set on you, he WILL bag you.
iām only gonna go through kazutora, chifuyu and ryusei. i feel like in the series those are the only bonds that have shown to be ādeepā. not saying that his bonds with the other toman members werenāt deep, but i just prefer talking about those three more.
KEISUKE AND KAZUTORAās friendship started off with keisuke pointing out the fact that kazutoraās friends were using him, kazutora started being in denial saying that it was only a coincidence that he caught them like that but keisuke could see right through that even with him being so young (i think they were 11 at the time?). which just proves just how observant keisuke is right off the bat. even after kazutora punched him for talking about his friends like that, keisuke still found him admirable. āi donāt know anything about you, youāre a stranger after all. and youāre stupid, a trash to boot, itās funny though, i donāt hate someone who gets his body beaten up for his friends, thatās why.. lets be friends, without any interests.ā
and even on their first day being friends, keisuke went ahead and made sure kazutora had a nice birthday. even if it meant turning the whole town into a ārage roomā. which might not be ideal realistically.. but it cheered up kazutora!
as they got older, keisukeās loyalty to kazutora only got stronger. after everything that happened, keisuke made a choice to shoulder the blame and protect kazutoraās future, even if it meant destroying his own. to keisuke it mattered more that kazutora still had a place to come back to. thatās the core of their friendship. keisuke didnāt abandon kazutora when things got ugly, and he doesnāt resent him for the damage either. he chooses him again and again. even when it costs him his reputation, his safety, and eventually his life.
thatās keisuke for ya! being keisukeās friend was the greatest thing thatās ever happened to kazutora, and i wholeheartedly believe that.
KEISUKE AND CHIFUYUās friendship is way different than his with toraās and i hate when people compare those two, or saying some bs like ākeisuke killed himself for kazutora instead of living for chifuyuā. and itās just so ridiculous cause that was not keisukeās thought process at all.
when they first met, chifuyu was just some first year who helped keisuke write a letter to kazutora.. and yet keisuke still stepped in to defend him from third years over something small. that already tells you what keisuke values. not someoneās strength but their sincerity and kindness. āoh you let me cheat off your homework? who do you want me to kill?ā
before you start.. iām aware that chifuyu absolutely came off like a try-hard. talking nonstop about toman and wanting to join, ass kissing, etc. normally that kind of behavior wouldāve had keisuke clocking someone as a poser immediately (which he did! he called him a poser.) chifuyu shouldāve been written off right? but keisuke let him linger.. in a violent odd way but still!
not because chifuyuās impressive, but because he was so very consistent, and annoying.. and persistent (his words not mine pls). but chifuyu didnāt shift his attitude depending on who was watching. he didnāt crumble under pressure or suddenly backpedal when things got rough. keisuke tested him the only way he knows how, and chifuyu stayed exactly who he was through it. A+ for fuyu!
in some way, i think thatās why keisuke kept pushing him away. chifuyu was too earnest, too willing to believe in people and comes off as naive. and keisuke didnāt want someone like that dragged into his mess. āyouāre so persistent, and so annoying, chifuyuā¦ please, abandon me.ā
and yet keisuke trusted him with everything. before bloody halloween, keisuke wrote him an unfinished letter and left it with chifuyu, putting the fate of toman in his hands alongside takemichi.
āi donāt believe that the toman of today is rotten. i know without a doubt the soul of tomanā¦ of the gang the six of us established and nurtured since that dayā¦ is still alive today.ā
keisuke believed toman still had a future because of people like chifuyu and takemichi. because they represented something untainted. something that could keep growing instead of being swallowed by the past.
āfrom that day on, i started writing letters which was really unlike me, and then.. some guy appeared on the other side of that letter.. and showed me the answer. like an abandoned cat, chifuyu, who rejected everyone around him.. grew little by little through interacting with the first division.. earned everyoneās trust.. and became a man who could lead them.ā
chifuyu represents proof that keisukeās sacrifices werenāt meaningless. kazutora is tied to the past keisuke could never undo. chifuyu is tied to the future he believed in, even knowing he wouldnāt be there to see it.
and thatās why comparing them never works. keisuke didnāt choose one over the other. he carried them differently, because they meant different things to him.
KEISUKE AND RYUSEIās friendship is so very important to keisukeās character as a whole. without ryusei there wouldnāt be the keisuke baji we saw in the tokyo revengers manga, and ābloody halloweenā wouldāve happened very differently. ryusei left a big lasting imprint on keisuke, even if most fans barely register him as a character.. his presence fundamentally affects keisukeās mindset.
once again, this is another case where keisuke takes someone selflessly loyal under his wing.
during the fight between tomanās first division and yotsuya kaidan, ryusei takes a flying knife to the thigh to stop kojiro from killing keisuke. and keisuke immediately doesnāt read this as ryusei āsavingā him. he recognizes it as something much.. relatable. ryusei clearly wasnāt protecting a guy he doesnāt know, he was trying to stop his best friend from crossing a line he could never come back from. ryusei chose pain for himself over the irreversible consequences that wouldāve destroyed kojiroās future.
keisuke understands that choice very very verrryyy well.
ryusei understands that the kojiro he once knew is gone, warped by the abuse he suffered under kensho, and yet he still stood beside him. āthe place where i shouldāve belongedā¦ is painful to be in.ā that line alone says everything about who ryusei is. he knows staying hurts. and yet he stays anyway.. not just by loyalty, keisuke encouraged it without realizing. without keisukeās influence, ryusei mightāve not tried to save kojiro, and without ryuseiās influence, we wouldnāt really have the keisuke we know and love now.
when the police arrived and kojiro ran without looking back. keisuke, despite barely knowing ryusei, picked him up without hesitation. āyou tried to save him, didnāt you? itās hard to do that, isnāt it? well, i donāt know anything about you guys, butā¦ if you still want to be in a biker gang after all this, weād welcome someone like you.ā he saw the same instinct at work. choosing to bear the damage so someone else doesnāt have to. taking responsibility for someoneās future, even when it costs you everything.
and thatās where ryusei and kojiroās friendship starts to mirror keisuke and kazutoraās. both ryusei and keisuke are willing to destroy themselves if it means protecting the person tied to their guilt. both believe that if someone has to bleed, it should be them. watching ryusei ābetrayā him and chifuyu to save kojiro reinforces something keisuke already believes deep down. sometimes loyalty looks like turning against everything else to protect one person.
that moment plants a seed in keisukeās mind, enough for him to make that same choice for kazutora.
ryusei also plays a seemingly small but meaningful role in keisukeās life. he notices keisuke spacing out a lot, āi donāt know what youāre holdinā on toā¦ but if youāre not cominā up with an answer thinkinā about it so muchā¦ then how about you talk to someone about it?ā and that nudge is what leads keisuke to start writing letters to kazutora, which is how chifuyu met keisuke :3 wowww butterfly effect!
ryuseiās role in keisukeās life is so important to me, he validates keisukeās instinct to carry the burden. he shows him that choosing pain to protect someone else isnāt senseless. and he quietly encourages keisuke to confront what heās been holding onto instead of letting it rot inside him.
also!!! keisuke with friends in general is constantly misread. he always comes off as the immature, impulsive, loud one in group settings, especially in different types of medias where the whole gang is together (fanfics, art, etc) but when you actually pay attention, heās pretty quiet. observant. he listens way more than he talks. heāll let everyone else yap while he watches.
you can see this really clearly in the spin-off. heās not dominating conversations or trying to be the center of attention. he hangs back, and only speaks when he has something to say.
keisuke isnāt a hard character to understand, and i wish more people knew that :( although! i love every depiction of him and im no stranger to ooc keisuke, i love him as a bully even though he would never, i love him as an adrenaline junkie who burns cars even though heās more than just that.. but yeah. #stoptheboringkeisukestereotype!
keisuke and manjiro have soooo many similarities ācause they grew up together and are basically family !! i will not be swayed on this!!!
they both have the same humour but baji pretends not to laugh so that he doesnāt seem as lame and psychotic as mikey.
theyāll shadowbox their friends randomly but get annoyed when their friends do it back.
they play tug of war on everything; it doesnāt even matter if the object in question is something that they both actually want. if baji wants it, mikey wants it, and vice versa.
consequently, they subconsciously have a ton of shared habits and likes. it comes down to minute things like them favouring the same specific kind of chair or parking spot or even glass to drink from and they donāt realise it. this is why they argue over everything.
they mimic each otherās posture too. they look like question marks until theyāre at a meeting or any other serious situation. the way they sit is in accordance with each other; when mikey leans backward, baji leans forward, both of them are manspreading and theyāve both got identical relaxed-but-alert expressions.
they have the same level of agreeability. you ask them to do anything or go anywhere, theyāll look at you suspiciously for a grand total of six seconds before agreeing with a shrug, why the hell not. the consequences that follow will be shouldered by them entirely and theyāre more than ready at all times to accept a challenge as well as accountability. even if mikey comes off an irresponsible dipshit most times
they have an absolute trust placed in each other. when one of them canāt or doesnāt want to handle something, they expect the other to handle it, and it does, in fact, end up handled. i know mikey has this sort of symbiotic relationship with all his friends, but itās especially so with baji and draken.
baji sometimes gets translated to ālocationā sometimes, so muchoās saying he finds it difficult to control keisuke.
this is taking me the fuck OUTTT šš keisuke is his own president frā¦
but mikey leaving baji alone is sooo very sweet to me. theyāre seriously the bestest of best friends. also, keisuke has a right not to be obedient, considering he quite literally FORMED toman and assigned everybody their roles.
mucho pisses me off because of his dislike towards baji, fym youāre disrespecting the dude who created the gang that YOUāRE inā¦ at ur big ass ageā¦ trying to police middle school children...
Here lies his grave. Soon, Haruchiyo will make this his home.
The metal bar is uncomfortably hot against Haruchiyoās hand, the feeling of blood dripping down from the way his fingernails dig more and more into his reddened palms, the moisture makes his hold on the rail loosen.
If he falls from here, he would probably die, he hopes.
Just like Shinichiro-kun, he prays.
It has been five years since Manjiro and Shinichiro have passed. Their deaths ā since those cold funerals. A lump forms in his throat as the tightness in his chest refuses to loosen. The realisation that theyāll never come back to him hits him once again. It comes as a surprise to him that heās still alive, without them ā if he can even call this being alive.
If he were to let go right now, heād die, or heād survive and be in a coma if heās (un)lucky. Society has no use for a useless person like him ā an unwanted boy, he has been reminded of this many times before. He has no family, heās been in and out of juvie twice already, and he has never had a legal job (no place would willingly hire someone like him, at least for legal purposes). Nobody willingly wants to be around a teenage dirtbag with an ongoing criminal record. He keeps his hands dirty just to keep surviving ā for what, though? He would be doing society a nice favour if he were to remove himself from it.
Haruchiyo only wants to see the two of them again, to see the rising sun, the only remedy to relieve him of this emptinessā
āOi, donāt even think of fuckinā letting go.ā
Oh, Baji . . .
(His prayers are not met, forever denied, just like they always have been.)
Haruchiyo lifts up his head, throwing Keisuke a spare glance. Sharp eyes noting that he doesnāt look or sound too happy. Itās obvious in the way Keisukeās dark brows appear frowned more than usual, lips pursed with rough hands curled up into tight fists. Thereās fresh blood smeared on Keisukeās knuckles, he is bleeding, too. He mustāve gotten into a fight earlier, Haruchiyo thinks, he is quick to assume. Keisuke is always like that, he has always been.
āWhat the fuck is wrong with you? You never showed up to the cemetery.ā Keisukeās words are sharp, like they always have been. His tongue has never once not been sharp ā cutting into places Haruchiyo doesnāt want to feel. There is a lot wrong with him, Haruchiyo knows he has problems that he doesnāt want to acknowledge or accept, but he also knows that Keisuke didnāt mean it in a literal sense (not this time at least). āI waited an hour for ya.ā
āI messaged you earlierāsaid I was gonna be late.ā
āI donāt like using my phone, you know this. You shouldāve called instead. I thought you were at home shooting it up or somethinā.ā
āWas that supposed to be a joke? It was terrible.ā
āNo,ā Keisuke replies. āIt wasnāt one.ā
Itās hard for Haruchiyo not to roll his eyes at the assumption ā the accusation. Keisuke acts faster than he thinks, harshly grabbing Haruchiyoās forearm, and he winces at the sudden movement. It may leave a bruise on his pale skin. He sighs, his grip tightens against the bar as he hops back over ā back to Keisuke's side, to the side of the living. Reaching into his sweater pockets, he notices that his handkerchief is missing.
(This fact makes him notice that the cuts from his nails sting a lot ā they donāt hurt as much as the wounds he receives from street brawls, or the sparring lessons he once took as a kid, back at the Sano house, but heās still hurting. Hopefully these light cuts donāt get infected by the rusted rails.)
āWell, that was one time,ā he snaps back defensively, pulling away from Keisukeās grip when the boy doesnāt show any sign of letting go. āMove it.ā He barks.
āThatās what they all say before they get addicted and shit.ā
Haruchiyo sneers, āI didnāt even do the shit youāre saying. Learn to mind your own business, Baji.ā It really was the only time that he had been caught, opting to do things in the comfort of his own room, Keisuke appearing that night was unexpected.
Keisuke is too dramatic for many reasons, always feeling and acting intensely, which Haruchiyo knows is steamed from genuine worries and his gold heart, though that seems to annoy Haruchiyo even more. He has never once asked Keisuke to care about him. Itās bothersome. Gross. His stomach turns and twists in ways that make him feel physically ill. Keisuke has always been like that. (He always will, deep down, in the walls Haruchiyo doesnāt want to unlock and see, he knows this.)
Silence rains over them as the two boys stare down at the water. Itās not a pretty view. Itās murky and dark gray and dead fishes can be seen floating on top. Nothing worth stopping to see. People barely come over here now, rumours of the dead haunting this bridge scares keeps everyone away. Haruchiyoās hand twitches as he starts to fiddle with his fingers. Itās hard for him to stay still, especially with all these thoughts running through his mind. Too many thoughts that he canāt fully process, each one comes crashing before the last could settle ā most being ones he doesnāt want to hear or remember, and he only knows one way to block them out.
Keisuke stands too closely beside him, his body heat seeps through his clothing and Haruchiyo feels uncomfortable with his close presence. He kicks Haruchiyoās loafers with his leather boots, his heart tightens and sours knowing Keisuke is reading him ā his hidden and jumbled thoughts, temporarily knocking them out of his head. Keisuke reaches into his loose pockets, taking out a pack of cigarettes. It's a brand new pack ā the Seven Stars brand Shinichiro would always have on hand. His favourite. Haruchiyoās first cigarette was that brand, stealing a cigarette from a pack that Takeomi had forgotten at home, choking on the deep bittersweet smoke.
From his peripheral vision, Haruchiyo watches as Keisuke opens the package to take out a fresh cigarette and jams it in between the cracks on the ground (Keisuke thought about giving Shinichiro the entire pack, but someone would definitely steal it ā cigarettes are getting more expensive these days. He still despises smoking, he really, really does. Itās disgusting and Keisuke canāt stand the taste of them, but the smell of seta makes him so nostalgic of a time that will never come again. He is a hypocrite for sneering at how Haruchiyo drowns himself in substances, when he searches for the familiar taste of Seven Stars from time to time), he lights it for him, too.
This is a tribute to their late brother.
They watch the setting sun, waiting for his cigarette to fully burn out.
ā
You move away from your childhood home into a small, cheap studio in Tokyo. It is smaller than you are used to, but just enough for one person. It feels more spacious than youāve ever known. Youāve waited a long time for this.
To escape that house and everything that suffocated you.
You take a deep breath; here you are free.
While walking up the steps carrying stacked boxes, you run into something ā or rather, someone ā causing one of the boxes to drop, you wince hearing something shatter inside. You pray itās nothing of importance.
āI am so sorryāā you exclaim as you look up, freezing at the close proximity. Youāre met with piercing blue eyes; eyes so void of emotion, similar to when winter arrives and frosts over the neverending sea, he keeps a locked gaze, and you almost find yourself captivated within. Almost. āUm, uh, sorry. Are you okay?ā you stammer over your words, internally cringing at how lame you sound.
āNo, itās fine,ā his voice is light and cold, it suits his appearance ā his eyes. However, his hair reminds you of the cherry blossoms that are about to bloom this spring. āNobody is helping you?ā
āNo, itās just these boxes left . . . Ohāā
The boy bends down to pick up the box that had fallen, looking up the steps. āWhich wayā? Ah, youāre the one who moved in next door, right?ā
You nod your head, and without any other words he brings the box and sets it down in the apartment for you. Not only is he pretty, he is also kind for helping you (āwhich is something most people probably wouldāve done, this is nothing special). He leaves before you get the chance to thank him and you feel bad about it. You didnāt get the chance to catch his name, either. You canāt help, but feel disappointed.
You check your phone, flipping it open to see no new messages or calls, your email is empty, too. You almost sigh, itās not like you expected your mother to call ā this isnāt anything new. Your phone sits heavy in your hand.
ā
You never see your neighbour around again. The door to his apartment is always opening and closing. You can hear him coming home late at night, around three or four in the morning, sometimes slamming shut which wakes you up from your needed sleep, and you canāt help but wonder what someone is doing out so late ā working, perhaps, that is the most logical and obvious answer.
Itās a few days later when you bump into him on your way to your afternoon classes, or so, you think itās him. The moment you look up itās someone completely different.
A boy who vastly contrasts him in appearance.
With long black hair, and sharp eyes that shine gold underneath the morning sun. Theyāre very beautiful, warmth radiates down onto you just from looking into them. Yet something swirling in those eyes that you cannot quite pinpoint. A white bandage sits on his cheek, light bruises littered across his face that add to his intense appearance.
He says his name is Keisuke and he lives here with his friend. You assume his friend is the pretty boy from the other day.
The two of you walk down the apartment together and he talks to you the entire time before parting ways, his speech is rather brash compared to most people you know, however he seemed quite nice. Thereās an air to him that feels warm and comforting. You know better than to harshly judge someone based on first appearance. And you canāt seem to forget his boyish smile that he flashed at you before walking away. It suits him and his shining golden eyes very much, you are reminded of the sun.
ā
Keisukeās lip is busted once again. A matching black eye to go with. Blood runs down his temple and connects to the stream running down his mouth. However, he wins in the end, like he always does. Out of all his matches, heās only ever lost three times.
Betting on Keisuke always means receiving extra cash, however, if he loses, they lose a lot.
Haruchiyo watches as a crowd of junkies immediately swarm Keisuke, and he sighs as he takes a swing of his drink. This always happens, and itās a good thing because they all get hyped up to the max, and sometimes, some guys are willing to pay for dinner. He and Keisuke never say no to that.
He catches sight of someone similar amongst that crowd, and once they catch his stare within seconds, sheās pushing away from Keisuke.
You look familiar, very familiar, and Haruchiyo doesnāt understand why someone who looks so pure like you is here in this sketchy place. An underground bar where delinquents and nobodies hang out, sell drugs, and fight for quick cash. Someone like you doesnāt belong in such a dirty place. Well, Haruchiyo learned from a young age, even the most angelic of faces can appear sinister when you are no longer needed.
āHi!ā Your sudden appearance and cheerful greeting comes unexpected.
āHi . . . ?ā Your smile drops almost immediately, and Sanzu doesnāt mean to look or sound unfriendly, but he doesnāt understand why you would come up to him. He hates talking to strangers.
āOh, do you not remember me? I moved into the apartment nextāā
Ah, right. āI remember you.ā
A smile automatically falls back on your face. āOh, okay. Thatās good.ā
He shrugs, looking around the room at nothing interesting. Where did Keisuke go? āI guess so.ā
You stand next to him, taking the empty spot next to him, without a word.
When you attempt to make small talk, he lets you, barely answering, but enough to seem polite. You donāt seem to mind, continuing on speaking to him. And before he knows, he gets lost in the conversation with you, pulled down, youāre magnetic.
It all comes too unexpectedly. Haruchiyo doesnāt remember what happened. Really, he doesnāt. And a kiss is all it takes before everything begins to spiral, itās a whirlwind.
Haruchiyo doesnāt know how it happened. Heās never done this before ā always withering at the contact of others, never liking the way cold hands touch his skin. His lips slam against yours, itās more of a punch than a kiss, and a small noise escapes you ā something Haruchiyo recognises as not out of pleasure. He knows.
āBeābe more gentle,ā you tell him when he pushes you against the cold, restroom wall.
āMy bad,ā he mumbles back. He, more gently, grips your forearm as another form of apology.
He canāt understand why heās doing this, especially with someone he doesnāt know. Your hands are under his shirt, running over his stomach and his heart races. Your hands are smaller than his, softer, warmer, too. And he thinks itās the liquor running through his veins ā your veins, he can taste it when your pretty lips meet his.
He doesnāt know you. He knows you live next door and you did mention something earlier. Something about you being one of his dealersā friendās younger cousin. He thinks itās something like that (and he doesnāt actually care).
Hissing at the sudden contact, biting down on his bottom lip to hold back a groan. Your hand is wrapped around him, moving up and down too slowly for his liking, so he ruts up into your hand before coming undone far too quickly, and his initial embarrassment is forgotten when you donāt say anything, you only giggle while tilting your head up to kiss him.
Itās not long after when he has you bent over the counter, dress scrunched up to your waist, your pretty panties pushed to the side as he pushes himself into you. His movements are nearly robotic and awkward, you donāt say anything about it though, only thrusting back on him. He watches the foreign scene unfold from the mirror, his ocean eyes capturing your blissed out expression in the mirror, and his stomach flips. You feel so soft. So, so soft against him, he grips your hips harder, feeling as if his legs might give out, he leans his body over your back, pressing an awkward peck on your lips when you look up at him, lasting less than a second before he pulls his lips from your soft ones. Kissing feels awkward. It is far too intimate and you seem to crave it. Haruchiyo hates the feeling. He thrusts into you faster, chasing after his own high. It feels euphoric.
Losing his virginity in a grimy washroom ā one of the last places heās ever wanted to step foot in ā is the last thing heās expected. But now heās here with you, a girl he only knows the name of. He doesnāt know whatās wrong with him these days. Perhaps, heās just desperate to feel something. Forever chasing the high to feel alive once again.
The high vanishes after he finishes, and heās never felt emptier.
ā
Somehow, you are almost all he thinks about lately. Usually in the morning or late nights. He hasnāt seen you since then. Nor does he really want to. Haruchiyo doesnāt think he is the sentimental type ā heās never had anything of his own to feel sentimental about.
āOh, you missed again, Sanzu. That little pink head of yours is in the clouds tonight, hm?ā Ran Haitani is smiling to himself after witnessing his poor play. His fingers are busy chalking up his cue stick and the sound of his brother snickering makes Haruchiyo roll his eyes.
That detached and arrogant look in his eyes reminds Haruchiyo of him. Those eyes that have always looked down at him. Ran has the same look in his eyes and a matching [irritating] lazy smirk that Haruchiyo wishes to smack off of his face with the cue stick in his hand. The scene is vivid and freshly red in his mind.
āI guess itās our win again. As expected, right, brother?ā The younger Haitani chimes in with a similar grin ā one more boyish and wide. He shows more teeth than his brother, but carries the same arrogance. Sometimes, RindÅ is cool to hang out with (which seems as a given from how the two of them hang out alone from time to time), but Haruchiyo usually finds him infuriating.
āThatās right, RindÅ.ā
āFuck off, Haitani.ā
āHey, donāt get mad at us for your shitty plays,ā Ran says as he leans against the table, still chalking his cue stick ā he does this after every single shot: always making a show out of it when itās not needed at all. But Haitani Ran has always been a showoff.āEver heard of hating the game, not the player?ā
Haruchiyo rolls his eyes for the nth time tonight, āYou always have some stupid shit to say.ā
āHuh?ā Ran looks at him in disbelief before laughing, ādonāt be a sore loser, Sanzu. I was only teasing. Loosen up a little.ā
āThatās what I mean by stupid shit. Whatever, man.ā
āMhm, whatever you say. Letās play another round before heading out.ā
RindÅ perks up from his cellphone to mention, āDonāt forget, the loser has to pay for our drinks later.ā
Sanzu hates being around these two pretentious assholes, but one of his acquaintances introduced him to them. They sell good shit and give him a good deal every time so itās hard for Haruchiyo to find another dealer as good as them. He got trapped in their web. The Haitani brothers continue to make jabs at him throughout the night whenever they catch him staring off into space. RindÅ remarks itās probably because of a girl, and despite denying it, Ran teases him about it. Whatever.
Losing his virginity to you isnāt why Haruchiyo thinks about you, itās that he canāt get the image of you taking him so well out of his head. The sensation he felt had his mind dizzy, a new high heās become addicted to. Itās an obsession at this point, not with you, he clarifies to himself every time, just sex. His hand cannot replicate the hot and tight feeling of being inside of you, and thatās how he finds himself coming back to you, knocking on the door of your apartment, instead of going out to a club with the Haitani brothers.
(āYou owe us, asshole.ā
āI will later,ā he simply says. āIāve got stuff to do.ā
Ran smirks as he elbows his brother. āStuff,ā repeats Ran as RindÅ lets out a long, mocking, āAhā, at the indication.
Haruchiyo doesnāt say anything anymore. This is why he never talks to them about anything personal. Theyāre just a bunch of annoying pricks.)
The sky is pitch black, and doe-eyes stare up at him. Stars shining within. He takes in your sleepy form, hair a mess and pajamas that donāt match. He almost smiles, he wants to.
You wait, before deciding to say, āHi, Sanzu. Um, do you need something?ā
āI just, uh, came to see you,ā he lamely makes up an excuse that neither of you buy.
āAt two in the morning?ā you ask teasingly, opening the door a little wider, inviting him inside. You look a little sleepy, hooded-eyes and a pretty smile looking up at him. He recognises this look (just barely) from the night before. You want to kiss him.
āOh, yeah. . .ā he dumbly replies. āYeah, I was out, and yeah.ā
He sounds stupid, he knows. You know, but you continue to smile.
You offer, āWanna come in?ā
Your hand reaches out to him ā you donāt touch him, your fingers fiddle with the hem of his shirt, lightly tugging him towards you. Barely. You wait for him to move. And so, he gives you what you want. His hand falls to your waist as he stumbles inside, lips locked, kicking the door shut behind him.
ā
Haruchiyo comes knocking more and more. He stays overnight, and he sits at your place without the intention of sex. He doesnāt get mad when you decide you arenāt in the mood for it, either.
You do most of the talking, he listens, and you come to learn that Haruchiyo talks a lot at times. He doesnāt even seem to realise it himself.
You think he is cute, really cute. You really like him.
ā
Nothing good comes from being with a guy like Haruchiyo, you know this, you really do. Youāve met many boys like him before. Troubled, reckless, and cruel. Cold, scarred, and lonely. He is not a good guy, and the crowd he hangs around is no better. But somehow, you canāt stay away, like a moth to a flame, you are always drawn to things you shouldnāt be.
Beneath it all, he is a sweet guy. He treats you well, you think, better than most of the people youāve met in your life. Always following you around when you go out, saying itās dangerous for a girl to walk alone. You think he is a little overprotective, but you also know he is only looking out for you. You think Haruchiyo is sweet, really sweet.
The layout in their apartment is the same as yours. Itās a lot cleaner than you imagined for two young men living together ā a recipe for a disaster. However, itās almost spotless despite the few pieces of clothing laying on the floor or hanging on the couch (ones you believe to belong to Keisuke).
Haruchiyoās room is spotless, not a speck of dust in sight. You eye the old nametag on the uniform on the wall, āAkashi Haruchiyoā. Akashi. Sanzu. Haruchiyo. (Sanzu, Sanzu, Sanzu.) You donāt mention it, you sweep those questions away into the back of your mind, it has nothing to do with you.
Donāt ask about it. Donāt think about it.
A pack of cigarettes that always seems to sit on the counter, new and never used, carefully cared for as no spec of dust is seen, you canāt help but wonder why, yet you never find yourself asking. Itās a strange feeling, when you know youāre not supposed to ask or do something without being told, the boundary you cannot cross.
āWhen will Keisuke be home?ā you ask while clicking the start button on the rice cooker.
His silence draws out longer than you are comfortable with, your lips are pursed, wondering if you had said or done something wrong. There is no way you did. You know this, however, your nerves slowly eat away at you the longer the silence draws on. You canāt stand silence like this, the only thing you can hear is his breath mixed with yours and your rapid heart. āHe will be home later. Baji usually comes home late, so he wonāt be here to eat with us.ā
A silent breath of relief escapes you, that anxious tension vanishing from your stomach. āOh, okay. Then, Iāll pack up the leftovers after and leave it for him to eat once he gets home.ā Now that you think about it, Keisuke really is always out and about. He is definitely more outgoing than both you and Haruchiyo combined.
āSanzuāā
āHaruchiyo,ā he interrupts. āCall me Haruchiyo.ā
āOkay, Haruchiyo,ā you test out his name with a roll of your tongue, and he hums to himself, quite pleased with how his name spills so naturally from your lips, and you bite back a smile when you notice the expression on his face. Your face feels warm. āWhere are the rest of your pots? Is this all? I think it might be too small for all three of us. . .ā
āYeah, I think thatās it. Nobody ever really uses the kitchen much. We just eat out most of the time.ā
āOh, well, let me go grab one of the pots from my apartment. Gimme a second,ā you say before going to your apartment to look for a bigger pot.
Haruchiyo just watches you cook, or so you think he is, because sometimes, it looks as if heās lost in his thoughts, even with his eyes on you.
You end up spilling personal things with him, something you have never done with anyone before. You donāt know why. Haruchiyo just listens to you in ways nobody ever has. āMy dad never treated me right as a kid. I can barely remember what he looked like, not angry, sober.ā He hums. āMy mom, well, she is probably doing better now since weāre both gone. . .ā
He asks, āDo you miss them?ā
āNo,ā you reply a little too fast. āNo, not really. Sometimes, I do think about them, though.ā
Itās too complicated, you think. Your feelings get so jumbled up, and you donāt understand them most of the time. You donāt like to think about them for too long, either.
āSo, what about you, Haruchiyo?ā
āWhat about me?ā
āYou know . . .ā you trail off, hoping he understands what you are trying to ask (you know he knows), but he doesnāt say anything. āWhat is your family like? I would like to know more about you, um, if thatās alright with you.ā
āThere isnāt anything to know,ā his curt reply is enough for you to know that he doesnāt want to talk about it, and your heart sinks in disappointment. Maybe it shows on your face, Haruchiyo is silent for a few seconds before adding, āI donāt have any family, so thereās nothing for me to tell you.ā
āOh, sorry for asking . . . I didnāt know.ā
āItās fine. Donāt feel bad about it, pretty. You were just curious about me, right?ā he asks this plainly, yet thereās a tug on the corner of his lips that lets you know he is happy that you want to know more about him. You nod your head and his smile becomes more prominent, he looks so innocent when he smiles. āI am curious about you, too.ā
āI know.ā
āOh, you know?ā
āMhm, I know,ā you cheekily reply and even the sound of his chuckle is enough to cause your heart to race. You canāt help that you are so simple, so easy, Haruchiyo makes you so nervous, yet so seen and comfortable. āAnd when you ask me, I tell you.ā
Haruchiyo smiles. āI know you do.ā
You believe it to be inevitable, the way you often find yourself pinned underneath him. Something about him is so addicting, you keep wanting more and more. The sound of moaning and skin slapping echoes within the room, itās obscene, and adds to the erotic scene. Heās unable to contain himself, taking you on his couch the very chance he gets to, and you just let him. You love how he makes you feel, he has you seeing stars ā chasing one after another.
He stills his movements for a moment, curious eyes staring down at you; those empty eyes of his are lust-filled and all you can see in them is you. He wants you and only you. You are eager to give yourself to him, to let yourself fall into his arms, completely letting yourself be swept away. You want him, too. He definitely knows this.
āYou said he treated you like shit, right?ā he says this, and you stop your movements, too. āIf I wereāwere around then, I couldāve taken care of him for you.ā The implication of it has your blood turning cold and your fingers wrap around his shoulders as you push him away a little, so you can look at him more clearly.
Those words are spilled so sweetly, like the way he kisses you before he leaves your apartment, or when you wake up beside him during the late mornings to find him still there, gazing at you as if you hung the stars. His words sound so sweet, just like when he tells you about how good you make him feel, they sound so sweet, and itās not.
You think Haruchiyo likes you. You know he does.
āThāthatās not as romantic as you think,ā you say, voice breathless as you try to steady your breathing. And heās already dead, you donāt say it, you donāt need to.
āNo?ā
You shake your head.
āHaru, move . . . Please.ā
Haruchiyo hums, and you demand this time, nicely, of course.
āYeah? Fine. You are so spoiled.ā Haruchiyo is quick to give into you if you beg sweetly enough ā if you say you need him, and only he can make you feel this way. But he always gives in. He moves, just like you asked ā he moves in and out of you painfully slowly, itās taunting, you whine at how it misses that one spot you desperately need it, yet the pleasure he brings is still, strangely, enough all at the same time. All you can think and see is blue and white swirls, and Haruchiyo, Haruchiyo, Haruchiyo.
āThink you like that idea though, tightening āround me like this. Oh, shitāā he chokes on a moan, then heavily sighs.
āSo perfect for me, youāre mine. Say it for me.ā Strands of his light pink hair falling onto your face, it tickles from the way it brushes against your cheeks with every move. Soft like cherry blossoms. His hand slides up your wrist, placing his hand over yours, your fingers tightly interlocked. āPlease, baby. Yāknow I would do anything for you, right?ā You nod, even though his words are barely registering through, your head feels fuzzy.
He starts slamming his hips into you, you moan loudly as he repeats it again and again, his movements becoming sloppy. Youāre too sensitive, overstimulated, itās almost painful the way he keeps himself in you ā it hurts, yet a familiar pleasure builds in you all over again. āTell me youāre mine. Mine. My girl.ā
āI am yours, Haru. All yours. Want nobody, but you . . .ā
The moment those words spill from your lips, Haruchiyo immediately cums between choked moans and curses, and warmth spreads inside of you. He clumsily thrusts a few more times, leaning down to close the small gap and kisses you. He smiles down at you so innocently, cheeks red, bruised lips. He asks if you are okay, and you nod, pulling him closer.
Your fingers trace over the scar above his eye, faded yet deep. He leans into your touch. You find it ridiculous how pretty Haruchiyo is. His eyelashes are thicker and longer than yours, you find it unfair. He is so beautiful, youāve never seen someone as pretty as him before.
āDid it hurt?ā
āIt used to, but not anymore,ā he softly sighs, āfeels good when you touch me. Youāre so soft and warm, it makes me feel at ease with you around.ā
āMe too,ā you breathe out.
You know you are falling in love with him. Falling deep for his pretty blue eyes and the sadness that consumes him like cocaine.
Your beautiful boy.
ā
You wonder if it would be presumptuous of you to assume that you are Haruchiyoās girlfriend. Because technically, you are. Without words exchanged, things have turned out that way, and you think it mustāve been inevitable (Keisuke always refers to you as Haruchiyoās girl, and Haruchiyo never says anything about it). You are Haruchiyoās. You feel like Haruchiyo is yours, too.
āAre you two fuckinā stupid? Youāre just asking to get pregnant,ā Keisuke huffs while rolling his eyes.
āKeisuke!ā you exclaim, hitting your hand over his mouth with a glare. āShush, lower your voice, please,ā you lower your voice, glancing around in hopes nobody had heard him. A few judgmental glances are thrown your way, and you groan, wishing to shrink away. āWeāre in public . . .ā
Keisuke grabs your wrist, pulling your hand off his mouth as he stares at you. His face isnāt littered with bruises and cuts these days. No white bandage to stop you from seeing everything on his face. He looks a little exhausted these days ā you assume from lack of sleep.
āSorry,ā he says, immediately lowering his tone into a low whisper like you had warned him to. āAre you that stupid?ā he repeats and you loudly scoff.
āThatās why I just bought the pill.ā
āYou also bought a pregnancy test a few weeks ago,ā he retorts, and you bite your bottom lip at a loss for a comeback. You didnāt actually think you were pregnant, you were only making sure. āI am just saying, keep letting him do it raw and knock you up. Canāt even take care of yourself, so howāā
āI can,ā you interrupt, āI can take care of myself.ā
āRight, barely. Haruchiyo is fucked up in the head, how could you even take care of a kid?ā
You glare at Keisuke. āHey, donāt talk about Haru like that. Heās your friend.ā
āLike I said, I am just trying to look out for you two. Donāt be so mad.ā
Does he actually see you as someone so incapable?
Obviously, his words make you mad when you originally werenāt, he canāt keep his mouth shut sometimes, and he makes it up by buying yakisoba for you.
The three of you are barely getting by. Birds of a feather, they say. Itās a shitty life, you all know, but some moments are worth living for.
Itās not so bad when you arenāt alone.
ā
āI saw Senju earlier.ā
āAnd?ā
āNothinā. She says hi, though, asking if youāre good and stuff. She probably misses you. You should reach out to her or something.ā
Haruchiyo sneers at the idiotic thought. Thereās no way in hell he will ever talk to any of them again. Over his dead body ā heād rather die a million times. In the corner, he sees your head perk up at an unfamiliar name, sending the two of them a curious look.
He hopes you wonāt ask, he knows you ask anyway.
āWhoās Senju? An old girlfriend?ā The moment those words leave your mouth, Keisuke is making gagging noises, your eyebrows pull together as you turn your head towards him. āWhatās so funny?ā
āYounger sister,ā Haruchiyo corrects your assumption.
āHey, you told me youāre an only child,ā you reply with a frown ā a small pout to your lips. You look so adorable like this.
āThatās because she isnāt family to me.ā He can feel bronze eyes burning into him. āDonāt worry about it. Itās nothing important.ā
You slowly hum, not saying anything else, but Haruchiyo knows you understand him. Not wanting to step into a dark space that he doesnāt want you to know. He wonders why youāre so accepting of this ā of him ā even after catching him in a lie. He can tell youāre somewhat upset, too. But he knows you wonāt mention it and he finds relief in that fact. Keisuke remains silent, too. His understanding is different, itās familiar, rooted deep into their souls.
āWhere did you go today, Kei?ā Youāre quick to change the topic and thatās one of the reasons why Haruchiyo likes being around you so much.
āI was just out with some friends,ā he replies. āWe went bowling, then took a ride around town.ā
āAw, bowling sounds fun.ā
āYou should join us next time.ā
āTo go bowling? I am not so good, itās been a while since Iāve last been. Plus, I am not sure if Haru would want to go. . .ā
Keisuke smugly grins, gold eyes flickering from you to him. āYeah, but he would go anywhere you wanna go.ā
āIs that true, Haru?ā You turn your attention to him, and Haruchiyo shrugs.
āMaybe, it depends,ā he replies, though the obvious and right answer is yes. He would do anything for you. Diving deeply into the depths of heaven and hell ā wherever you want to take him. You and Keisuke both know this, because you both glance at each other and laugh, already discussing a date to go bowling.
Haruchiyo doesnāt join in on the conversation anymore, he grabs the remote in front of him and mindlessly flips through the television channels.
Keisuke has been distant lately. He is trying to change. He says he always remembers his mother crying in front of him for the first time, something he never wants to see again. Haruchiyo could never relate to this feeling, he doesnāt know what it means. He is trying to get an actual job ā a normal job, like what normal people do. As if they werenāt both raised in the same shithole. Keisuke and ManjirÅ were the lucky ones ā they always have been chosen by the stars above.
Keisuke fights in underground clubs every Friday for money, and Haruchiyo ā he sells cheap cigarettes and substances to messed up kids like them. Theyāve been doing this shit since they were in middle school. That has never changed for him. Haruchiyo knows heās being left behind once again. By everyone he has ever known. Even Keisuke is moving on, to a life with people he doesnāt know and to a future he cannot see. Itās only a matter of time before you leave him, too. You are too bright, too lovely. No matter how much he digs his claws in you, it wonāt be enough to keep you in place. He canāt keep you down underneath the dirt with him.
Even the ghost of Shinichiro doesnāt visit him anymore, and heās left alone back at the doghouse once again.
ā
Lately, he returns home to the same scene: just you and Haruchiyo cuddling up together.
Haruchiyoās eyes are always a little clearer when you are around, awake, gazing at you with honey dripping from them. Heās seen that look in those sappy romance films his mom used to watch.
The image of you is captured so clearly within those crystallized eyes, trapped within. Keisuke isnāt stupid enough to not notice that Haruchiyoās feelings for you are not normal. Societyās version of normal, anyway. Haruchiyo has always been weirdly obsessive and desperate at times; heās seen so, with Shinichiro, Mikey, and now, you. Itās not normal, but is it so bad? Haruchiyo is beginning to breathe again in the form of you, heās doing better now, you cover his wounds with your warmth, and love has always been a complicated thing.
Either way, itās a gross scene to come home to every time. But itās better than other positions he has caught the two of you in.
Later that night, he and Haruchiyo make a run to the convenience store, and along the way home, they stop by an abandoned park and smoke a joint together ā nobody ever stops by here, so thereās no worries in their hazy minds.
āI think I am in love,ā Haruchiyo admits as he sucks on a strawberry popsicle. His favourites havenāt changed since they were seven.
Keisuke takes the last hit of the joint before dragging it out on the concrete. āYeah, no shit, dude,ā he replies, āeveryone can see it.ā
Haruchiyo grins, all teeth and wide, his eyes closed. āNo, like I am fucked. So fucked, Baji.ā
When he asks why, Haruchiyo is zoning out, Keisuke is buzzed as well, so itās not like he cares. They eat the snacks they bought, laughing about nothing whenever they look at each other.
āNo, but like why?ā he asks again after a long time.
āIf she leaves me, Iāll die.ā
Haruchiyo laughs so loudly after this, high and strained, it sounds like he is crying, and Keisuke ends up laughing, too.
āNo kidding. Youāre fuckinā insane.ā
Settling down with deep breaths, he just confirms with a vague, āYeah.ā
Keisuke doesnāt doubt it one bit. Haruchiyo is crazy about you. But is it so bad? Keisuke has never been one for relationships, itās too complicated and time-consuming, but that is what love is. Love is so damn strange, and it keeps them alive.
ā
You get a call from your mother, it comes unexpectedly, and you almost let it ring until the end, stunned.
Of course, you scramble to answer her call. āHello? Mom?ā
The line is staticky for a moment, and you wince. āHi,ā she says, her voice sounding breathless. āI, um, I did not expect you to pick up.ā
āOh, yeah . . .ā You donāt know what to say, but your heart is racing unbelievably fast. You have so much to say, but you canāt form any of them into words.
It is awkward, painfully so. It is the entire call, but you both try to talk, stumbling over each other when silence hits for a little too long.
She is doing well, much better than when you left, and you are glad. You think you are doing better than before, too. She mentions that she met a new man ā one kind, one who treats her well, and works at a bank. Her last man was a piece of shit, somehow as bad as the first, he made your miserable lives even worse, and was in it for far too long.
She says she would like it if she could see you, and maybe you can meet him, and you choke. Getting introduced to someone new is too sudden, seeing her again is too soon, and what if she didnāt love him? Or if he doesnāt love her. He could be like the last one. A phony. She doesnāt know, you wouldnāt know. You think you are overreacting, you know you are, but you arenāt sure how youāre supposed to feel.
ā. . No,ā your voice is too quiet as you try to control the shakiness of your voice. āNot yet, but soon.ā
āOkay. I do not want to force you, nor does he. Take all the time you need.ā
āThank you.ā
āThis isnāt something you need to thank me for.ā
You almost cry for some reason.
Before the call ends, she tells you she would like to call you again, and you say okay.
ā
Sometimes, Haruchiyo doesnāt like to see you. You understand, and try to respect his space.
Every time he needs his space, he comes back seemingly happier, and he always takes you out despite hating being outdoors around strangers for so long. You learn he is very good at bowling, the two of you beat Keisuke and his other friends quite easily, despite the blond one mentioning he was a professional bowler earlier on (Haruchiyo whispered in your ear that he was definitely lying and you laugh in agreement).
At the arcade, he wins you a giant plushie, he tells the others to win their own. With his remaining tickets, he trades them in for a ring pop ā strawberry, your favourite ā and slides it onto your ring finger with a cheeky smile, thereās red coating his cheeks. You mirror his smile, and drag him into a dark empty corner to kiss him. His hand is immediately sliding underneath your shirt.
āHaru, weāre in public,ā you warn him as you break the kiss.
āItās fine, itās only a kiss,ā he replies, pulling you back in to deepen it. You melt into it.
Sometimes, Haruchiyo doesnāt like to see you. Especially, when he is high, he doesnāt like when youāre around.
One time, heās collapsed onto his bed, he mumbles that he wants to see you, despite you being right there.
You canāt help, but worry.
Sometimes, Haruchiyo doesnāt like to see you. He gets so busy with things, and Keisuke says he doesnāt know ā but you both know what he is up to. Sometimes, he doesnāt talk to anyone for two days. And this behaviour grows more constant as the weeks go by.
Haruchiyo comes to see you. He says he wants to rent out a dvd to watch with you, and you bury your head into his chest, and cry.
He frantically asks whatās wrong, ever so weak to you and your tears. His hand rubs gentle circles on your back as he cradles you closely. āTalk to me, baby,ā he coos.
(Itās hypocritical, you think.)
āI miss you,ā you tell him.
He chuckles. āI am here with you.ā
For now, for now, for now, for how long?
ā
Haruchiyo is falling.
Heās slowly falling down, down, down.
You force your eyes open every time you watch as he is drowning down those little white pills a little too fast, crushing them into powdered stardust, chasing after a star that has been long gone ā he will never reach it. Not now, not in another lifetime.
You wish you knew what it was; the very thing Haruchiyo desperately needs to see ā that very thing he canāt think of long enough before he drowns himself into something (anything) once again. In a strange way, you think you know. It comes in the form of the cigarette pack that sits awkwardly on the corner of the coffee table, unused and gathering dust (youāve seen Haruchiyo smoke the same brand during the late nights when he thinks you are asleep, and a similar scent lingers on Keisukeās collar, too), to the unspoken sadness that chains them together, that same distant look that is reflected in their eyes from time to time.
Itās too much, too fast, Haruchiyo will slip through the gaps of your fingers if he doesnāt slow down.
You watch as he spills and arranges the substance into a straight, thin line. Your presence gone unnoticed, except for the intensity of your stare, which he finally (finally, finally, finally) notices you and his open door that he rarely ever forgets to close.
āLeave me alone for a moment.ā He nods his head toward the door, yet you donāt move.
āHaru, you already did it earlier, isnāt this too much in one day?ā
āItās notābaby, just leave me alone for a minute. Please.ā
You know how Haruchiyo is. He doesnāt like anyone seeing him like this, before, during, or afterwards ā his one minute means four hours.
When you call his name, he snaps. That wild dog from the apartment above begins to bark, vibrating through the thin walls of the apartment. He lets out a slow exhale, standing up, āGod, why is it always the same thing with you these days? I ask you nicely andāand you donāt listen to me.ā
āSame thing with me? I am just checking up on you because I careāā
āI never asked you for that. I didnāt . . . Iāve told you before not to act like that.ā What makes it hurt is how Haruchiyo tries to keep his voice light and soft like he always does with you. His jaw is clenched, and pauses every few seconds to take a breath. He cares about treating you gently, but he doesnāt even realise heās being mean; uncaring about what you have to say, uncaring of your feelings, he doesnāt care that you just care about him.
Your eyes are stinging. You bite down on your bottom lip, harshly, trying to keep your tears at bay. āYouāre being mean. You donāt have to say it like that, I mean well.ā
āI wouldnāt if you just minded your own business.ā
You donāt think you will ever get through to him. Even if you kneeled down, and begged him like a dog to stop, he wouldnāt understand. You sniffle, body betraying you as tears are edging to fall, you donāt want him to see you like this ā you donāt want to see him like this.
Haruchiyo deeply sighs, stepping closer to you, he gently grabs your forearm. You think it would be a comforting gesture, if it werenāt for the fact that he deliberately steps into your space to make you step back, one step closer to being out the door. He wants you gone. āItās nothing new. Gimme a moment to myself.ā
āYou want me to leave.ā
āYes.ā He doesnāt look at you when he says this. That stupid little white baggie has his attention ā his complete attention the moment he gets you out of here.
You taste iron in your mouth. āYou want me to leave,ā you repeat, exaggerating every word with a crack of your voice.
Haruchiyo yells this time, his patience has always run thin. āYes! Thatās what I keep fucking telling you.ā He quickly shuts his mouth and runs his hand over it, swallowing his regret. A tear rolling down your face is enough for him to sigh, he hates when you cry (not when itās not out of pleasure), he hates arguing with you, and he mutters that heās done.
He doesnāt push you out. He doesnāt comfort you. He doesnāt close the fucking door.
He walks back to his table, sitting down, rearranging the powder ā he doesnāt care. He wants you to watch.
You bitterly tell him youāre done with this, screaming that you donāt care anymore, youāre done, done, done. You donāt even look to see if he lifted his head to look at you when you shouted those words, or if his nose was glued to the table instead. You rush out without closing his bedroom door; you slam their front door shut, it echoes in the apartmentās empty hallway.
Haruchiyo doesnāt come knocking on your door after. You donāt seek him out, either. A fight between the two of you has never occurred before, not like this, only annoyed remarks exchanged that were resolved by sweets and kisses. Days pass without any contact, you leave your apartment at different times, and you wonder if it is over now ā all over a stupid, little fight.
ā
With midterms rolling around, you donāt have time to focus on Haruchiyo, your relationship ā the remaining ashes of it. You donāt know, you donāt want to know, youāre afraid to know. Your grades have gone down, and you need to focus on getting them back up. On some days, Keisuke attempts to mention Haruchiyo; sometimes, you get mad, sometimes, you grow silent and shake your head, and on other days, youāll cry at the mere mention of him.
Haruchiyoās birthday passes without you ever knowing. You hear it from Keisuke when he lets you ride behind him on his motorcycle to your part-time job at an old dvd rental from the 80ās. These past few days, he has been picking you up once youāre done, too. He is kind, so sweet, but you know Keisuke is mostly doing this because he cares too much (and he is worried about Haruchiyo more so than you).
You lie, and say you donāt care that Haruchiyoās birthday passed, who cares about his stupid birthday? And thereās a shock that runs through you when you realise that you never even knew his birthday ā he couldnāt even tell you a simple, little detail like that. Either way, you refuse to swallow down your pride, not this time. If Haruchiyo cared about you, even a smidge, he wouldāve come knocking on your door after you left or called. But he hasnāt done that, heās done nothing for weeks. Keisukeās laugh, louder than his roaring engine, and tells you itās fine, because Haruchiyo has never once celebrated his birthday since way back then, he doesnāt believe or see joy in such things anymore. Your heart aches, and suddenly, for a split moment, your resolve vanishes.
He drops you off in front of the store ā looking ever-so empty inside, nothing new. His heavy hand ruffles your hair, you glare at him, swatting his hand away. āStop, you are going to ruin my hair,ā you complain with a pout.
āDonāt think so much about it. Itāll be fine.ā
(Itās fine, itās fine, everything will be okay.)
Before he drives off, he says, āIāll pick you up later. See you.ā
Your co-worker comes up to you during your shift. Heās a sloppy guy around your age that youāve spoken less than ten words to. You glance down to his nametag, Takemichi, then to his unkempt black hair, and faded acne scars adorning his cheek. The smile he gives you is both awkward, yet strangely warm. When he asks if you are alright, you just stare at him in confusion.
āOh, sorryāI, uh,ā he begins fumbling over his words, and you sort of feel bad at how put off you are. āYou donāt look too well, so I thought, uh, that you are sick or something . . .ā
You force a smile, trying to ease his nerves. āI just havenāt been getting much sleep.ā It is not a lie, so you donāt feel guilty. āSorry for worrying you.ā
He apologises, too.
So, apologises come easy for some guys. All the ones youāve known never do.
You wonder if your sorrow is that noticeable ā if you are someone so pitiful. It feels worse knowing that it is apparent to people who donāt even know you, and you feel more pathetic than usual.
Life goes on, as it always does. Painfully slow. Days turning into weeks. The seemingly never-ending gray skies, and smoke clouds greet your every wake.
ā
Your mother calls again this evening. She calls more often now, and these calls last longer every time you talk, despite the awkwardness that still surrounds the phone calls. The familiarity of her voice is enough to ease you, itās almost comforting, being forced back to a time when it was only the two of you at home. Just you and her, forcing laughter and smiles, but you were truly happy during those moments, until the familiar creaking of the old wooden stairs and heavy footsteps shattered the rosy glass once again.
She is a curious woman, very curious. She remembers everything you mentioned, even briefly, even things from when you were only five. She asks you about the boy you told her about before (all shy and giggly), and your nails dig into your palms, eyes darting around your bedroom. From the floor, to the pile of worn clothes in the corner, and an old music box your father had gifted you on your fourth birthday ā music doesnāt play from it anymore. The pink ballerina had broken off when you had dropped it, you super-glued it back on. It doesnāt play music anymore, you donāt know why you kept it. It doesnāt play music anymore, you donāt know why you keep it on the nightstand next to your bed.
You tell her you arenāt so sure anymore.
āI am sorry, dear. Boys come and go. It is always like that while growing up, but one day, the right one will be there for you,ā she says gently, so softly, cradling your wounds as if you were a small child again. Yet, you wonder why you donāt feel comforted at all. āYou are still young and beautiful. Donāt you worry so much.ā
You simply agree, āYeah, I guess that is true.ā
When the call ends, you wind up the music box for the first time in years. No sound comes through for a second, and then the first few notes play before going silent ā she dances in silence, spinning around and around and around. You watch her dance in the silent echo of your room for a long time, rewinding her before she completely comes to a stop.
ā
Keisuke basically forces himself into your apartment without an invite, and says, āWow. You look like shitāI mean, bad. You donāt look good.ā
He doesnāt mean it in a bad way, he is just honest with his friends. You donāt look so hot, and he has to let you know.
āGee, thanks,ā you sarcastically reply as you force your head into your textbooks.
So, you ignore him when he speaks sometimes. Keisuke has learned not to mention Haruchiyo to you, especially to how badly you reacted last time, even now the words are threatening to spill from the tip of his tongue. He tries his best not to. (God, you both are so difficult. He thinks he is going insane.)
After a while of making himself at home, he asks, āWanna go out somewhere with me?ā
You glance up from your textbook, asking, āWhere to?ā
āCome, Iāll show you.ā In the end, you take his hand.
So, maybe setting cars on fire and smashing windows with brinks would be too much for you. He assumes you wouldnāt want to run from the cops. His buddy, Kazutora, showed him this spot, where they can legally smash things to pieces ā not exactly the same thrill, but itās probably fun, and surely, you would enjoy it.
And you do. You smash everything in that little room and almost trip over yourself a few times while at it.
Keisuke finds it pretty fun, too.
ā
After many rejections, itās considered a miracle when Keisuke gets accepted and passes an interview. Itās been. . . a long time since he got fired from his first actual (legal) job. Honestly, Keisuke still believes he wasnāt at any fault, because what asshole throws a cigarette out at a gas station, right beside the gasoline tanks? That asshole was asking for a beating, and Keisuke only hit the man once. He saved the place from blowing up, if anything, he deserved some reward money. Instead, he gets fired by the lousy, old, ugly manager who sneered that it was only natural that a kid like him couldnāt handle a job.
He said he was lucky the cops werenāt called.
He was lucky that Keisuke didnāt sock his crooked teeth right out of his mouth right then and there.
(That old prick will get whatās coming for him, Keisuke hasnāt once forgotten his face.)
He knows he needs to start doing something with himself, because once he does, heās going to make things right with his mom again. Though, it might end up ending the same way as they have been for the past few years. Theyāre closer compared to most single moms and their sons, Keisuke thinks, and he knows itās hard raising him ā itās never been easy, because he doesnāt listen. He picks fights, he stopped attending school when he was fourteen, he stays out until the sun comes out, but he tries, he really does. Over the years, her disappointment and frustration builds on her face and itās enough to make him burn and scream, leaving the room so he can no longer see that look on her face.
He vividly remembers that night, all too well, when he came home to apologise for his behaviour with his motherās favourite flowers ā marigolds like her eyes ā and her favourite dumplings that he heard his popsā used to buy for her when they were younger. Yet before he could say anything, he hears her sobbing through the door, and Keisuke makes a run down the stairs of the apartment complex. He runs, runs, and runs.
(Haruchiyo opens the door for him. Heās done so every single time without question.)
Heāll make things right with her again. Sheās his only mom, and he misses her.
Lately, he comes home to Haruchiyo looking like this. Fucked up with dilated eyes, winter freezes over him, hazy and lost like Januraryās storm. Killing his own mind ā himself ā for even a few hours with a sense of peace. Itās all pure white laced with a gold rush; a feeling so divine that Keisuke knows he canāt save him.
Haruchiyo is drowning.
But that doesnāt mean he wonāt try. Who else would if he doesnāt? (His mind drifts back to you.)
Keisuke takes a deep breath as he marches over to his limp figure on the couch. āAgain. You are like this again, Sanzu. You need to slow the fuck down.ā His words sound too familiar. (āKeisuke, Iāve told you this how many times now?ā) Grabbing him by his shoulders, he shakes him, āOi, Sanzu, wake up.ā
He shakes him again. Roughly.
Haruchiyo groans slowly. āI hear you, Shināā His heart drops at the name, at the ugly and pitiful sight of Haruchiyo. āāKeisuke, very, very clearly. . .ā His words are spoken slowly and slurred, and his eyes are wide open, yet unfocused on anything. Ugly and pitiful, his dear friend.
āI am being serious, Sanzu. Listen up.ā Keisuke inhales sharply, attempting to ease his nerves. He counts to three in his head, twice ā something he had learned from a doctor when he broke his arm as a kid. One, two, three. In and out. āWhat about your girl?ā This catches Sanzuās attention, so Keisuke continues speaking, āYou know she doesnāt like this right? She just canāt say it ācause . . . Like, you heard about her old man right? He fucked up and then. . .ā And he can tell his words are falling on deaf ears, itās pointless, yet he continues to try to reach out to him.
Truthfully, Keisuke would rather be talking to you about this. But every time he mentions Haruchiyoās name, you get mad at him like he was the one who did something to you. He doesnāt know the exact details of what went down between the two of you; neither of you wanting to say anything, not even blaming each other, just saying vague words. It just adds to his annoyance, because it was obviously some dumb mistake, and if you two were normal and knew how to talk, it would all be good again.
āSay something.ā Silence. āHaruchiyo.ā More silence. Keisuke grits his teeth, the tip of his fang scrapes against his bottom lip. āWhy are you like this? Weāre just worried about you,ā his voice comes out quieter this time, choking on tenderness, and he hates how he sounds at the moment.
āI know,ā says Haruchiyo eventually. āI fucked up. ām fucked up . . . And IāI just donāt know how to make it go away.ā
āJust cut out the bullshit,ā Keisuke replies. He expects Haruchiyo to punch or kick him, to push him away and to fuck off ā to call him a busybody, a good-for-nothing loser who failed junior high, a screw up who is just like him ā he usually does in moments like these. However, he doesnāt.
ā. . . I know.ā
āDo something about this. Talk to her.ā
āI know, Baji.ā
āOkay.ā
Keisuke frowns. He can't even laugh or snort or joke about how pathetic this is. His heart is aching at Haruchiyoās vulnerability ā a side heās only seen when they were little kids, back when they lost Mikey and Shinichiro. Something about it is different this time, and he canāt pinpoint the reason. He just settles on awkwardly wrapping an arm around the taller, yet thinner and frail body beside him, and attempts to keep him grounded as his mind floats far, far away.
He says, āItāll be fine. Trust me. Weāll be fine, just like we always are.ā
He whispers those words again for good measure, unsure if those words were meant for Haruchiyo or himself. Keisuke almost promises, and Haruchiyo doesnāt respond for another two hours.
ā
A constant banging wakes you from your afternoon nap on your only day off from both work and university (you finished all your assignments early, too), and you angrily drag yourself out of bed, still half-asleep. Opening the door, you answer, āWhatāā and all that annoyance vanishes once your eyes adjust to the sudden brightness and see who it is. āOh.ā
You almost bitterly spit out, āWhy are you here?ā, but your heart betrays you, racing at Haruchiyoās sudden appearance, then slows to a pace that aches your very core. All at the mere sight of him.
Before you can slam the door shut, he sticks out his foot and jams it in between, forcing the door to stay open. āStopādonāt, donāt do that, alright? Donāt be like that, and let me in,ā Haruchiyo says, his voice rough and tired. āLet me inside, please, baby. You need to listen to me, please.ā
You bite your bottom lip at his pleading and keep yourself pushed up against the door, not looking into the large gap, you canāt meet his eyes or face or him. You end up asking, āWhy are you here?ā Your voice comes out small, youāre tired, body no longer pushing against the door, and Haruchiyo is swift when taking that moment of hesitation to let himself inside before you had the chance to change your mind.
He takes a step towards you, and you donāt move. āI just wanted to apologise,ā he tells you. āI didnāt mean it, any of it. I justāsometimes, I lose control over myself and do dumb shit.ā
When you don't reply, he repeats, āI said I was sorryāstill am. I didnāt mean any of it that day.ā
You breathe out, āI heard you. Your apology sucked, it was really bad.ā Haruchiyo nibbles on his bottom lip, teeth running over dry, peeling, red skin; blue eyes wavering, yet never leaving your face (you still wonāt meet his eyes). āBut I know you mean it . . . That doesnāt mean I am still not upset or hurt by what you said.ā
He visibly eases, shoulders dropping with a silent breath of relief, and he apologises once more.
āI am scared to lose you, Haruchiyo,ā you admit, itās nothing new, but you have to tell him. āI keep thinking, what if something happens, andālike what would I do if you . . .ā your words trail off shakily and you swallow the lump growing in your throat. You donāt want to curse the thought to life. Haruchiyo sneers, loudly and sharply, at your unsaid words, they donāt pass him by.
āIt doesnāt matter,ā it sounds too rough, too soulless, too regardless when he says this. āI mean, it wonāt happen.ā
You firmly argue, āBut it could, Haru.ā
āBut it wonāt. Believe me.ā He grabs your hand and places it in his as he gives it a firm squeeze. āI, uh,ā he sucks in a shaky breath before speaking, āI want to be better for you. Youād be happy, right? Like we could . . . Yeah, I could try for you.ā
He would like to, he means. And you know he would, all to keep you happy. But you canāt teach an old dog new tricks. However, you and Haruchiyo are barely nineteen, barely adults, bad with words and love, but the feelings you have for each other are real, and so overwhelming. If you both try, everything will be alright ā Haruchiyo believes this, and you do, too.
āHow you live is up to you, but we can figure things out together,ā you say to him. His thumb brushes over the skin on your hand. āPlease, just let me be here for you. I care about you so, so, so much, Haru. Donāt push me away. I donāt want to leave you.ā
āI wonāt.ā As you smile, he does, too. āI care about you, too, yāknow? It drives me insane.ā
You know, and he knows that you know.
You pull him towards the couch to sit down and talk, the atmosphere much more relaxed now. āYou never called me.ā
āI wanted to,ā he admits, his hand falling onto your knee as he rubs it unconsciously. āBut I didnāt think you wanted to hear from me.ā
You shake your head. āNo, I was waiting for you.ā
He smiles, a little sad, and you canāt help but notice that he seemed to lose some weight. This worries you when heās already thin. Both your hands reach up to cup his cheeks as you pull his face closer to yours and you press a kiss to his lips for only a second. āHave you eaten yet? I still have leftovers from last night that I can reheat.ā
āNo, I already ate,ā he declines with a lie, but you let it pass. āLetās just . . . letās take a bath instead. Yeah?ā
āOkay.ā
Haruchiyo runs the bath like he always does, the temperature is always just right when he does it. When you slide into the bath, a soft moan escapes your lips at the warm contact. Haruchiyo takes off his clothes, gets in, and settles behind you. He pulls you into him, back against his chest, arms wrapping around your waist to keep you close.
You lift your head to look up, and Haruchiyoās face is expressionless, but the look swimming in his eyes is undeniably love. It couldnāt be anything else.
āWhat is it?ā
āI really meant what I said before, yāknow. Most of the time, IāI just donāt feel like my own person,ā he continues quietly, āI never wanted to make you cry.ā
You twist, barely, due to the lack of space in the tub, and look at him. Pink strands all over his face, you brush it away with your hand, tucking a strand behind his ear.
āItās okay, Haru, really.ā
āYou are the only thing that is precious to me, I need you, okay? I canāt live without you.ā
Your head is swimming; if your apartment had a shower instead of a bathtub like your old place did, you wouldāve been unsteady on your feet. The feeling intensifies the longer you stare at him.
You tell him, āI am sorry, too. I just worry about you, Haru. I donāt want to be alone.ā
āI know, and I am right here with you, baby,ā he gently says (his promise of devotion). āAnd I am all yours. Only you.ā
A silent āforeverā follows after his gentle kiss to your temple. His arms wrap around you, his bones digging into your gut, and you lift your head to kiss his cheek, then one over the faded pink scar running across his eye, then another to his soft pink lips. Haruchiyo is beautiful, everything about him is so beautifully blue.
āSo, you forgive me, right?ā
His hand taps your thigh, twice, a silent indication between the two of you meaning: open up. āYes,ā you breathe out. You let him in, you always do.
āGood,ā he says as his other hand runs across your stomach, up to your breast, and he gently squeezes. His lips brush against your ear, his breath tickles, you canāt help, but smile. āWe are in love, baby. No matter what happens, it wonāt change a thing between us.ā
You canāt imagine a life without Haruchiyo, or what it was like before him. You donāt want to. And so, you tell him just so. He pulls you impossibly closer as his head falls into the crook of your neck, smiling into your skin as he presses a delicate kiss. You love him, you love him so much. Even when he is about to fall, you will be there to catch him. Whispering this sweet oath on repeat, Haruchiyo receives each eternal promise with his lips.
ā
Somewhere, he is drowning.
Sinking down, down, down to a place no man can reach. Water turns to mud, white static fills his ears, gasoline and cigarettes sting his eyes and nose ā he returns home.
Somewhere, he is drowning.
But not here. You are his anchor.
note. reposting this only because it is one of my favourite fics i have written
i do not write for tokyo revengers anymore, so please do not follow me for that !! (so, so sorry ><)
pairings: baji x fem!reader, miya twins x fem!reader
warnings: mature content ahead. MDI. suggestive themes, mamaās boys, panties mentioned, both the twins want you but willing to share, basically their momās find you sweet and make sure their sonās act accordingly, pretty tame didnāt feel like having smut for this one lol
[š] šš”šš š²šØš® š°šš§š§š ššš¤š šššš¤ ššØ š²šØš®š« š¦šš¦š'š¬ š”šØš®š¬š. - Nothing mattered to him more than his motherās opinion. Good thing she always favored you.Ā
āHave you spoken to [____] lately?ā
ā[____]ās such a smart girl, you could learn from her.āĀ
āMake sure [____] gets home safe.ā
These were only the surface of the non-stop nagging BAJI would be subjected to by his mom, Ryoko. The two of you grew up in the same apartment complex, walked the same route to school, it was only natural that you would eventually gravitate to him and his best friend, Chifuyu, becoming their unofficial third wheel. His mom would beam like the sun every time you swung by, whether it was to help with homework or just to drop off mail that was accidentally in your family mailbox. Either way, you were always welcome at their residence no matter the reason.Ā
Unfortunately for him, now that youāre both older, his motherās nagging has grown significantly moreā¦shameless.Ā
āAre you and [____] using protection?āĀ
The ravenette choked on his instant noodles. Ryoko paid no mind to her son fighting for his life, merely standing with a laundry basket of wet clothes on her hip, expectant. It was so casual you wouldāve thought she asked if he took out the trash. Once his airways were cleared of the processed food, Baji croaked, āHah?ā
āYou better be. Donāt think a babyās gonna get you out of university, Keisuke.ā She replied, borderline threatened, as she made her way to the balcony.Ā
Baji spluttered, āWhat the hell are you talking about?!āĀ Ā
āDonāt curse at your mother!āĀ
āWell quit saying crazy shit!āĀ
He swiftly dodged a clothes pin aimed at his head. Unfortunately, he wasnāt quick enough to miss the balled up, damp shirt that came soon after. Hitting him square in the face with a small thwap! Baji growled under his breath before peeling it off his head, fixing his mother a half-hearted glare.Ā
She ignored it, going about her business as she spoke, āI have eyes. You two arenāt exactly as subtle as you think.āĀ
Baji stiffened. He cleared his throat. āā¦Donāt know what you mean.ā
Ryoko raised a brow. Then, like a rabbit out of a hat, she presented a pair of crimson red lacy panties. āI should assume these are yours then?āĀ
His eyes widened in horror. Like a bat out of hell, Baji shot up from his chair, sending it backward onto the floor. Borderline diving for the garment, he was unfortunately a second too late, Ryoko snatching it back and turning to hang it up with the rest of the laundry. She then turned with a knowing grin, crossing her arms whilst he stood there, dumbfounded.Ā
Thereās an uncomfortably long pause.Ā
Baji eventually deflated, eyes jetted elsewhere in embarrassment. āIt isnāt even like thatā¦āĀ
She rolled her eyes. āUnless I raised a panty thief, I suggest you tell your mother the truth.āĀ
He nearly choked once more. If possible, one would be able to see steam shooting out his reddened ears. Baji sighed heavily, then grumbled out, āAlright fine, weāre a thing, whatever, no big deal.āĀ
āAnd?āĀ
ā...And using protection. We aināt stupid.āĀ
With a pleased hum, Ryoko continued the laundry. āNever said you were. Just wanted to make sure.āĀ
Eyeing her warily, Bajiās shoulders raised a little. āYouāre not mad?ā
Her brows scrunched, āMad? Iām relieved. I was worried the only thing in that thick head of yours was delinquency and giving me gray hairs,ā he squinted, mildly offended. āAnd for it to be with a lovely girl like [____], I couldnāt ask for a better daughter-in-law.āĀ
Three strikes, heās out. Bajiās biggest op was oxygen at this point, keeling over whilst trying to keep his lungs intact, tears welling in his eyes from just how visceral his bodyās reaction was. His mother finished hanging up the clothes, acting none the wiser to her sonās predicament as she daydreamed about the wedding day. āHowever. I donāt want any more funny business under my roof, Keisuke. Got it?āĀ
She bonked his head in passing, leaving him to struggle between a head and chest ache.Ā
Later that evening, you received a text message from the ravenette. After finishing your everything shower, you thought he was about to cancel, only to read it and find it was much worse.Ā
āGood news: Maās happy weāre dating.
Bad news: She knows we fucked in the house.ā
Attached was a photo of your panties, sticking out like a sore thumb in the midst of all the other items.Ā
Yikes.Ā Maybe tossing those god-knows-where in his room wasn't the brightest idea. But it wasn't your fault! Being in the moment, the last thing you were thinking about was neatly setting them aside to pick up right after fooling around under the sheets. Safe to say...you won't be visiting for quite some time. You'll keep your head down if you see her around, avoid walking past their door by scaling down the building like goddamn Spiderman if you must. But, that plan was immediately thwarted when you received another text.
'Also...she invited you to dinner.
And she ain't taking no for an answer.'
Double yikes. You closed your eyes in resignation, inhaling deeply through your nose.
Well. At least you get to thank her in person for washing your clothes.
If you didnāt pass the Mama Miya test, you were OUT.Ā
GONE.Ā
EVICTED.
Without question, ATSUMU and OSAMU would drop you like a bad habit if their mother didnāt fuck with you. Because what kind of demonic energy do you carry to make such a nice lady dislike you after the first impression? Some may accuse her of being a toxic boy mom, stiff-arming any girl that tries to get with her precious baby boysā¦
*Loud buzzer sound* WRONG.Ā
She wants nothing more than for her boys to find love, to be loved, to love so hard it makes them sick with it. However, that doesnāt mean sheāll sacrifice her expectations for a pretty face that knows how to spew pretty words just for the sake of impressing her. Be anything less than genuine and you would be voted off the island in seconds. She can smell bullshit from a mile away, and they will happily bust out the febreze.Ā
So you can imagine how absolutely elated they were when you passed with flying colors.Ā
You were polite, showed up with homemade goodies, complimented her home, and were genuine about it. She could tell based on how you gushed over the curtains she got for a steal, even sharing some of your etsy shop recommendations in case she wanted more items like those at a reasonable price. Mama Miya was pretty much sold at that point.Ā
Unfortunately, things were about to get complicated.Ā
When her sons pulled her to the side to have a private conversation while you helped yourself to some tea in the living room, they decided that now was a good time to drop the bomb on her.Ā
āI beg yer finest pardon?ā She blinked, utterly flabbergasted.Ā
They shuffled where they stood, feeling like a couple of foxes caught in the hen house. It wasnāt until Atsumu nudged his brother in the arm, harshly mind you, did the awkward silence end. Osamu glared at him before giving a long sigh. āLook..we know it sounds bad-āĀ
āOh, did ya now? Mm. Canāt imagine how one would come to that conclusion.ā She sarcastically cut. They winced. āI mean, honestly, ya may share a face, donāt mean ya should share a partner too. Call me old fashioned but this is a horrible idea.āĀ
ātās not like we havenāt thought this through, Ma. If she aināt comfortable with the idea, we aināt gonna force it.āĀ
āAnd then what? Youāll flip a coin, see who gets dibs?āĀ
Peeking around the corner, she stiffened when your eyes caught each otherās. You, oblivious, waved happily while holding up your teacup. āThis blend is really delicious, Miya-san!āĀ
She waved back with a strained chuckle, āThank you, sweetie, have as much as youād like!ā Ducking back behind the corner, her smile instantly dropped as she sternly gazed at her knuckle-headed sons. āThat poor girl donāt deserve whatever silly game ya both are playinā at.āĀ
Atsumu finally decided to speak up, a little defensive. āIt aināt like that, Ma. We wanted ya to meet before we took it any further.āĀ
Mama Miya crossed her arms. āAnd how far are you planninā to take this exactly?āĀ
āYāknow āsamu and I never usually agree on anythinā. Butā¦we both like this one. A lot. And we agreed that if ya liked her too, then we would leave it up to her to decide. Whether itās one of us, both of us or neither of usā¦we just need to make sure ya approved of her firstā¦āĀ
If looks could kill, she would be standing in front of twin caskets. She quietly worked her jaw, brows knitted tight as she tapped her foot. The twins waited with baited breath, hearts pounding in their chest. If she truly felt uncomfortable with this whole ordeal, then they wouldnāt hesitate to just call the whole thing off, despite it paining them to think that meant letting such a nice girl like you slip away, all because theyāre too stubborn to let the other have you. One internal battle later, Mama Miya deeply exhaled.Ā
āI adore her.ā The twins perked up, metaphorical ears pointed high as identical smiles slowly began to form. āBut. I still think this is a horrible idea. So donāt come cryinā to me if this blows up in yer faces.āĀ Ā
Atsumu was the first to wrap her in a tight hug, littering kisses across the side of her face. Osamu joined soon after, smothering the other side with an equal amount of love. Mama Miya mayāve looked annoyed, but there was no denying the endearment hidden beneath her eyeroll. āAlright, alright. Quit yer smotherinā.āĀ
āYa love it.ā The blonde declared, nuzzling his nose against her cheek. She merely exhaled once more, shaking her head.Ā
Osamu pulled away, smile softening as he muttered, āThanks, Ma.āĀ
She smiled back, cheekily. āOh, wouldnāt thank me so soon. ām gonna show her all yer baby pictures.āĀ
Both their smiles dropped. They clearly didn't think this all the way through.
A/N: This is a little shitty and short, Iām still trying to get back into the groove of things pls bear with me š
āāāāāā
Mikey
- He actually isnāt afraid of spiders, but will scream anyway for fun with you when you spot one.
- Half expects you to do deal with it as he doesnāt think itās that big of a deal.
- But then you make him take one of his nasty flip-flops off and squash it. (I just know his flip-flops STINK)
- Unfortunately you almost pass out from the stench. :(
Draken
- Very nonchalant about it. And he does side eye you for screaming over a teensy spider.
- Type of guy to say āitās more scared of you than you are of itā and it gets you so annoyed.
āYāknow, youāre bigger than it, and that spiderās more scared of you than you are of it.ā
āApply that logic to grenades then as well.ā
- Walks away until you make him come back but he refuses to kill it so he grabs a cup and some paper.
- Itās a-okay until he DROPS IT.
- Thinks youāre overreacting when you make him piggyback you Mikey-style any time you enter the kitchen. But he also starts wearing his slippers more often around the house..
Mitsuya
- Well we all know heās a sweetheart about everything, so heāll quite happily take it outside for you.
- Heās done this a million times for his younger sisters, heās not afraid.
- He even goes the extra mile and searches up ways to ward spiders off for you.
- Itās all fun and games until one of those flying spiders happen to come in one day and youāre both freaking out.
- He does NOT fw them.
Baji
- Will laugh at you at first for being scared of a little spider until you start bickering with him over it.
- Rolls his eyes but he squashes it for your sake anyway.
- But he squashes it with his bare foot.
- āJeez, why are you so dramatic?ā
- āKeisuke, thatās actually VILE.ā
- He didnāt want to get his slippers dirty so he does it with his foot which he claims is easier to clean..
- Honestly he doesnāt care. Will act like your fear of them annoys him but he actually doesnāt mind it, and he certainly doesnāt mind the affection you give him after. :)
Pah
- Wonāt admit it but heās a little scared of spiders too so heāll be hesitant.
- You two also start bickering, until you have a good idea.
- Pochi could kill it!
- Unfortunately Pah would rather kill it himself than let his precious Pochi do that :(
- But he does get rid of it and he does expect extra compensation in kisses since you suggested Pochi kill the spider (how could you).
Chifuyu
- Sees this as his chance to shine and have his shoujo manga moment.
- āDonāt worry, honey, Iāll deal with it!ā
- Takes this very seriously, and tries to find out what type of spider it is. It was a long and tedious process.
- He captures the spider under a cup and then goes to the library with him to get an encyclopaedia on spiders and how to identify them so he can deal with it āin the most efficient way possible for you.ā
- By the time he comes back, the spider has somehow escaped.
Ran
- You wake him up from his sleep so he can get the spider for you and heās not happy.
- He gets YOUR shoe and tries to smack it but it runs off onto the floor and under the sofa/couch.
- āLook, itās gone.ā
- āRan!ā
- āLetās just both go back to sleep, the spider is gone now, baby.ā
- Much to your dismay he goes back to bed and expects you to go back to sleep with him. (Itās 2 pm)
Rindou
- Heās a little iffy about spiders. He doesnāt like their legs or how fast they can move.
- āWhy donāt we both kill it?ā
- āRindou, I canāt do that.ā
- He sighs as if heās doing you a massive favour and grabs a bug spray.
- He would squash it but he doesnāt want to clean up the spider blood that smooshes onto the wall.
- Does expect to get free passes to blast music around the house since you usually donāt let him. And a kiss or two (he wants three).
Sanzu
- Looks at you with the most blank face ever when you ask him to kill it.
- You canāt tell but he actually does care a lot about what youāre afraid of and heās already making a mental note to research ways to ward them off in the future.
- Grabs the spider with his bare hands and starts to rip its legs off.
- āSanzu, what the fuck.ā
- āItās scaring you, so Iām dealing with it.ā
- He genuinely doesnāt see the problem and throws the legless corpse into a random bin outside.
- Thinks he did a very good job.
Izana
- Thinks youāre stupid to be scared of them, theyāre minuscule and mostly harmless.
- He used to have a āpetā spider when he was in the orphanage with Kakucho so he doesnāt care that itās even there in the first place until you say something.
- Kills it with no qualms and tries to hand you the corpse.
- āIzana, I donāt want it! Go throw it away!ā
- āItās a token of my love.ā
Kakucho
- Heās so patient with you and has no complaints about killing a spider for you.
- Heāll listen to pretty much anything you say, so heās the one to kill any other bugs in the house for you.
- So he does it without question and goes back to whatever he was doing, but with his arm slung over your shoulder.
- āIf you want me to do anything else, just lemme know.ā
- āKakucho, you are an angel.ā
Kazutora
- He is SO confused on why youāre even afraid of something as tiny as a spider. In his mind theyāre harmless and they get all the other little bugs like flies, so why wouldnāt you want to leave the spider?
- Like Draken, he doesnāt kill it and grabs a cup and some paper but complains about it the whole time.
- āI donāt even see why youāre scared, itās nothing.ā
- āStop being mean, ātora!ā
- Will stop complaining once he sees itās bothering you and heās the one giving kisses after.
- āYou forgive me yet?ā
- āAlready did ācause you got the spider.ā
Shinichiro
- Sees it as the perfect opportunity to show off his manliness and strength.
- He basically begs you to watch him take the spider out.
- āHoneybun, watch me do it!ā
- āIām watching, Shin..ā
- Squashes it with a shoe whilst making eye contact with you.
iām really so excited for s4. my baby senju finally got animated, pah-chinās getting screentime since the first time in forever, and mikeyās gonna have more layers than those premium wafers. just poetry
what iām most excited about, though, is sanzu. my love for him might just come back in full force. i ought to write for him soon
thinking about how mikey ripped apart his kid friendās mouth with his bare hands n forced said kid to go through life terrified of ever revealing his grotesque mouth, also excluding him and treating him like he was less than, viewing him beneath the dirt on his shoes yet he still continued to be worshipped and adored by pretty much everyone. god i love tokyo revengers and its complexities. thank u wakui for haruchiyo sanzu
š²š¬š°šŗš¼š²š¬ is a vulnerable man for you. Heās no pushover; heāll never just lay on his back and take thrashings. Not from anyone, with the sole exception of his mother, whom he loves and fears in equal measure. Heāll learn anything you want him to. Anything you ask for, itās yours. Thatās his favourite thing to do; satisfy you. Kisses, food, flowers, jewelry, ribbons, shoes. The only catch is that you canāt hint at anything. Youāve gotta tell him straight up, because although heās attuned to all your needs and wants, like an animal sensing rain, he needs honesty. He requires you to be straight up with him. Thereās nothing you can do that heāll find embarrassing or shameful. Heās the one whoāll humiliate himself if you request it in a heartbeat.
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