(n.) warm, glowing praise
or
Han Solo helps his granddaughter, Allana, as she grapples with thoughts about her father
https://archiveofourown.org/works/62570314
The Coruscant lights lit up the night sky before her. Through her tear filled eyes, the lights almost looked like stars, the only stars you’d see on Coruscant. The planet wide city polluted the air with so much light you’d almost think it were day if you didn’t know what time it was. Allana admired the light, it was comforting to her, knowing that without it the sky would be dark, unlike her 7 mooned home planet of Hapes.
She was sitting cross legged on the floor of the Solo’s apartment, gazing out the window, resting her head against it. The transparisteel cooling her warm, puffy, tear stained cheeks. She watched as ships of all colours and shapes flew past the window, enjoying the light show before her. She hoped that if she focused enough on the details that it would take her mind off her troubles. She mustn’t’ve been trying hard enough because it wasn’t working.
“It’s a bit late for you isn't it, sweetheart?” A sleepy yet deep voice said as a figure emerged from the dark hallway. Allana turned her head, quickly trying to fix herself up before anyone saw her, a Hapan tradition of course. It was a habit Allana found hard to break, especially being away from the superficial society.
“Grandpa,” Allana sighed. “What are you doing up?”
Han wandered over to the window, leaning against the arm of the couch. The city lights illuminated his granddaughter's face. He could see so clearly how the tears had fallen down her cheeks and onto her sleepwear, a simple grey top that was now wet with salty tears and loose beige bottoms that were far too long for her, but she insisted on wearing. Her red hair tucked neatly behind her ears and spilling down her back. The now 16 year old looked just like her mother with her wavy hair, though her eyes were identical to her father.
“I could ask you the same question.” Han’s voice was full of concern. Allana averted her gaze and turned to look back out the window. “Allana, what’s going on?”
“Why are you up?” Her voice was meek. She was evading his question, just like her aunt. She got that from Jaina , Han thought to himself.
“I could tell that there was something wrong,” Han said softly, “that you were upset.”
“You can’t use the force.” Allana said to the window.
“I don’t need the force to tell me when my granddaughter is upset.” Han murmured, hoping that Allana would turn around, but was disappointed when she refused once again. “Allana, talk to me.”
Allana turned to face Han, though still refusing to make eye contact.
“You’re stubborn, just like your father.” Han observed. At the mention of her father, Allana’s face twisted, clearly fighting back tears. Han suddenly understood. “This is about Jacen.”
Her lip trembled and Han recognised how hard she was trying to keep herself together. It broke his heart. She had experienced so much pain in her short life, much like everyone else in their family, almost like the Solo-Skywalkers were cursed.
Allana rarely mentioned Jacen. It was a habit she fell into shortly after his death. Compartmentalising. Leia had been growing increasingly concerned about the manner that she had developed, worrying it would take her down the path that had claimed their son. Any attempt in getting Allana to open up about her father ended up in her cursing and walking away, in true teenage fashion.
For Allana to be talking about Jacen, she must really be struggling.
“Sweetheart,” Han began, gently, “your father loved you.”
Allana’s sad expression warped into a scowl. Her mind drifted to her last moments with her father. Anger bubbled up inside of her. Fresh tears ran down her cheeks, though instead of crying from sadness, these tears were full of rage. Allana fought to keep herself composed. Han didn’t need the force to sense just how angry his young granddaughter was. It hit him like a fresh wound, reminding him that he failed to protect her once again.
Allana thought back to when she woke up from being on the Anakin Solo , how she was so scared and confused, to Jacen revealing that he was her father. She remembered the love that Jacen poured into the force for her. She thought of the hate he felt for her grandparents and her aunt Jaina.
“He would have moved the entire galaxy for you, sweetheart.” Han tried hard to comfort her. “I know you find it so hard to believe, but he loved you more than anything. He just became so twisted.” Allana remained silent, and so Han stayed with her in the silence, offering unconditional support for when she was ready.
“I know that I’m the reason that he turned.” Allana said at last. Concern flooded Han over the weight his granddaughter was carrying.
“I hear things,” Allana interrupted.
“Allana, that’s not true. Jacen’s descent into darkness was very complicated.” Han tried to console her.
“It’s my fault that he turned into a monster.” Her voice shook with every word. It was Han that began to grow angry, however not at Allana, at Jacen. He had caused his daughter so much sadness. He couldn’t believe that his once optimistic and benevolent son had become the ruthless and tormented Darth Caedus. It ate him up inside. He hung his head in shame. He failed Jacen. He wouldn’t allow himself to fail Allana too, she was his second chance.
“Do you hate him?” Allana whispered. Han sighed and thought about the question. It was surprisingly difficult to answer, especially in such a way that would make Allana understand. He wished he knew the answer to the question. He felt many things toward his son, some difficult to understand himself.
“You do, don't you?” Allana’s voice was barely audible. Han couldn’t do anything but sigh once again. He heard her sniffle as she tried to hide her face. “Mom says I look just like him.”
“You do.” Han murmured. Allana shot her head in Han’s direction, finally looking him in the eyes. They were full of pain. It tore him up inside. He wanted nothing more than to be able to take all her pain away.
“How can you even look at me?” Her words catching in her throat. Han was confused, he couldn’t understand why she would ask him that. Allana could sense Han’s confusion in the force, which only made her angrier.
“How can you look at me and not see everything that you lost and somebody that you hate?” Allana cried. Han was fighting back his own tears. He knew where Allana got her avoidance issues from. He didn’t like talking about this either. The memories, too raw and painful. He never allowed himself to fully submerge himself in his grief for Jacen. He had to be strong for the rest of his family. Leia was torn apart over the loss of the last son. Jaina became gaunt after the duel that ended her brother's life.
“I don’t hate him sweetheart, I hate what he became.” His words desperately trying to comfort her.
“I must just serve as a reminder of the man you hate.” Allana was fighting herself, hurt spread across her face. Han was determined to fix the situation, he couldn’t fail Allana like he failed her dad. Han stood beside Allana, slowly lowering himself to the ground, doing the best to ignore the ache in his joints as he lowered himself to the ground. Han wrapped an arm around Allana’s shoulder, regardless of her attempts to fight him off. Despite Han’s old age, he was stronger than she was. He pulled her in tightly for a hug, holding her close.
“You remind me so much of the man your father once was. Brave, compassionate, eager.” Han whispered, gently stroking her hair. “When I look at you, I see my beautiful granddaughter, someone who is courageous and strong. You are more than your father, Allana. You are going to do such incredible things.”
Han could feel Allana’s tears fall on his arm, but he didn’t care. He was just happy that she was finally opening up to him.
“I can’t hate him,” he mumbled, “even after everything he did, I can never hate him. He gave me you.”
Allana erupted into sobs. Her cries echoing in the quiet apartment. Han rubbed her arm. Sometimes he hated that he couldn’t use the force like his wife to help calm down their granddaughter when she was upset, he felt like he wasn’t enough for her. Instead he held her, holding her tight, doing his best to calm her down.
Allana turned her head to look at him once again, this time her eyes were calm.
“Sometimes I’m angry at Dad,” her voice small, “but other times I want nothing more for him to be with me.”
“He’s always with you.” Han said as he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “And he’s so proud of you.”
