I'm laying here in bed, thinking about the relaxing weekend and a thought pops into my head. "I can't wait until I'm really skinny and I can enjoy weekend like this again." What the fuck. Now, I have had thoughts similar to this, but never so generic as "I can never be as happy as I want to be until I am skinny." My brain is messed up. But it's not my fault. Sarah- age 14- year 2001 It's when I first started being told I was chubby. My mother put me on the Atkins Diet, which was huge that year. She would weight me every morning. We were... Wait.... She was looking at me losing 20 pounds by next summer. That's when the bribes started happening. "Sarah, if you lose 20 pounds by Christmas, we will get you a snowboard." Sarah- age 15- year 2002 My mother took a photo of me from the side so I could "see how other people saw me from the profile." I was probably 130 pounds or so... Sarah- age 17- 2004 My mother found an empty package of Oreos and other wrappers in my car. I had now begun to sneak food because it was such a taboo. Anything sweet was forbidden only to me. My mother dragged me out of bed at 6 am, and I came down to all of my crimes in a pile on the counter. She began to scream at me but I don't remember what she said... My peripheral vision became dark and the next thing I knew I was on the ground and my mother was yelling "WHAT is WRONG with you?" Sarah- age 19- 2006 My father had suggested a new bribe. "Sarah, for 50 pounds we will buy you a completely new wardrobe" "You would be such a pretty woman if you lost all of this weight." I was about 160 pounds at this point. Sarah- age 21-2008 My sister has joined in on the "fun" My sister is a year and a half younger than me. She was a bad kid all though high school and she had recently picked up smoking. "Sarah, for 50 pounds, I'll quit smoking. If you finally get healthy, I'll get healthy." What the ACTUAL fuck! I have been trained and formed into thinking that happiness only happens after I loose the weight. So now, lying here in my bed, age 28, year 2015, it is my all consuming thought. You want to know what? I am happy. I am married to a fabulous man who loves me, I have the sweetest puppy, and really good friends. I have great style. I love eating out at restaurants. I am currently 170 pounds. And I am done. I am done hiding food wrappers from my husband. He doesn't care what I eat. I am done talking with my family about my weight. I will end the conversation if it ever comes up. AND I AM DONE THINKING THAT MY HAPPINESS WILL COME AFTER I LOSE WEIGHT!!!!!!!!!!! I am beautiful.
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