diary_ni_sola.docx

sola: /ˈsōlə/ (adj.) alone or unaccompanied

[soluuuh]

Gettting better.

I decided to treat myself with food yesterday. Akshely hindi nga treat e. Splurge ata ginawa ko. Hahaha. Kasi bumili ako ng breakfast sa Jabee tapos bumili ako ng madaming Takoyaki para sa'min ni mudra sa meryenda.

At dito ko na naman napagtanto na nakaka-heal talaga ng sadness galit sa mundo ang pagkain. Mehehehe.

However, ngayong arawwww... Tinetest na naman ata ang pasensya ko. So 'di ba namention ko na ayaw kong nasisira 'yung schedule ko. Ehhhhhh, itong mga higher ups sa trabaho, naisipang magpatawag ng meeting kung kailan naka-set na na aalis ako ng bahay at magwowork. Well, mukha naman syang optional kasi hindi naman ako kinulit ng bisor ko. Pero wala na, ayaw na ng utak ko magwork for the day.

I know that I mustn't abuse this flexible sched that I have in this work, but the bosses be testing my patience most of the time. Ugh!

Gusto ko tuloy ng chicken nuggets.

(I'm liking this small font. Lakas maka-aesthetic.)

[soluuuh]

Badabing Badabong

Medyo ok na yung mental health ko ngayon. Hindi ko na masyadong gustong mamatay. Medyo ok na din ako sa work. Wag lang talaga sumpungin yung supervisor ko at magpagawa ng wala sa plano.

I really hate it talaga kapag may plano na ako for the day tapos may ibang taong iiba ng schedule ko. Hindi ako makaka-function properly. Ruined na ang araw ko kapag ganun. Or worse, wala na akong gagawin for the whole day. Hated this for myself for years. Haaayyy.

[soluuuh]

UGH.

Dapat pumapasok na ako ngayon e. Dapat nasa field na ako, nagbabahay-bahay. Pero here I am, sitting in front of my laptop. I cannot do anything. I cannot push myself to go out. Pero nakabihis na ako. I just have to grab my bag at i-start ang sasakyan and leave my house.

But I can't. I fucking can't. Idk whyyyy. And I hate myself for it.

I like my job. I don't hate it. It's... I don't knooowww!!!! Minsan ang galing-galing ko. Minsan ayokong pumasok. There's no in between. Walang meh na araw. 'Yung tipong sapat lang 'yung gagawin. Wala. It's either I'm gonna over-achieve or do nothing.

Ayoko na mabuhay.

[soluuuh]

Nababaliw.

I work for the government. Just a seasonal job, para at least hindi naman boring 'yung stay ko sa mundong ibabaw. And para kahit papaano nakakatulong naman ako sa kapwa ko. Nagkakaroon ng purpose ang buhay ko kahit papaano.

Pero once my job is done, Idk what to do. I really want to quit my job kahit na I just started. I don't want to work. I don't want to do anything. Maybe I just want to die?

Idk what to do with my life. I just work, pero di ko naman alam para saan. Pera? Well, yes. Pero I can die instead. I mean, I really don't want to live. Para saan ba ang mabuhay kung mamamatay din naman sa huli?

And yeah, to address the elephant in the room, that ✨business✨ is looooong gone and I am moving on to do other shit. But the only shit is me. I'm a disappointment. So why don't I just die?

[soluuuh]

Sa business ko, hindi maiiwasan ang makakuha ng rejection. And sometimes, those rejections get into me. "Maybe hindi talaga ako trustworthy", or "baka hindi talaga ako made for this" or "what if I made a bad decision of putting up my own business"; these are the things that I think about when I get rejected.

Pero alam n'yo, as time goes by, I began to realize na this is just a learning phase. Na ganito naman talaga dapat kahirap sa umpisa. At ganito pala talaga dapat kahirap kapag malaki ang pangarap. So instead na malugmok ako sa self-doubts, I will grateful to all those people who said no and who will say no. Kasi sila 'yung nagpapatatag sa'kin.

P.S. Okay lang na mag-no kayo kaysa 'yung hindi kayo magre-reply. We have this quote in our team that says "Tell me yes, tell me no. But tell me fast, 'cause I have to go."

(Pinag-iisipan ko pa kung ipo-post ko 'to sa FB ko hahaha baka mawalan ako ng prospects xD)

[soluuuh]

Lahat naman tayo, mamamatay sa bandang huli. Bakit pa natin patatagalin?

[spooky-tsunemori]

I haven’t seen this meme going around yet so..

[soluuuh]

I was bawling while watching!!! 😭

[acoolguy]

what game devs think are tough choices in games: you have to kill this person or spare them

what tough choices in games actually are: this armor will make you more powerful but it’s ugly

[aesthetic-uni]

the toughest choice in any game: you have an elixir that can heal you completely but you only have 86 of them what if-

[soluuuh]

I'm tired

So pinagpapatuloy ko pa rin yung business venture ko, pero hindi ako consistent, and I know it's not good. I'm so guilty about it. Pero kasi Iearned about NFT games, and sana doon na lang ako nag-invest instead of this. Because that's what I like to do: to play games.

I always tell people that I love to help people, and in my business venture, I can definitely do that. Don't get me wrong, hindi kaplastikan 'to. It's been my passion to help people talaga. Pero saang part ba ng mundo walang chance to help people? In Axie din, I can help people na maging scholar para magkapera sila. DI BAAAA? Bakit kasi hindi ko nalaman 'tong Axie dati? Huhuhu.

Ang status ko now, I have my business venture, I have Axie pero collab, I also have this new NFT game called MIR4, which is F2P so mine mine ka lang and quest quest, ganyan. Nakakainis.

I'm tired of making decisions out of impulsiveness. Ugh.

[soluuuh]

Thank you for tagging me, @theprebby! Excited talaga ako kapag may nakakaalala sa'kin e. ♥️

Rules: you can usually tell a lot about a person by the music they listen to! put your music library on shuffle and list the first 10 songs, then tag 10 people (naku kulang kasi sa 10 yung kakilala ko dito sa Tumblr kaya hindi na lang ako magta-tag haha)

Okay so meron akong 3 playlists sa Spotify: OPM, breakup/love, & old songs. Pero lahat 'yan hindi updated, pero feel free to follow. Hahaha. Para fair, kukunin ko yung first 3 sa OPM, tapos yung next 4 sa breakup/love, then yung last 3 sa old songs.

Mabuhay Ang OPM: more on mid-2000s to early 2010s bands ito bcos that's my jam 🤘

mixtape for u: I made this to cope with our break up last 2019 (pero nagkabalikan din naman kami, if anyone's wondering lol). So this playlist isn't entirely about heartbreaks and pain, but also about the emotions I/we felt noong kami pa, ganyan. ♥️

Tugtugan ng Magulang: Para talaga kasi 'to sa parents ko kapag nag-aask sila na magpatugtog ako. So gumawa ako ng playlist base sa mga songs na pinapakinggan nila sa radyo. As in, effort 'to ha! Sa maghapon na 'yun, sine-search ko sa Google 'yung song title ng mga ipapatugtog nila sa specific radio show na 'yun. Anyway, hindi ko alam 'yung exact years nitong mga kantang nandito sa playlist na 'to e. Siguro nasa '70s to '90s.

Ayern lang! Thank you for listening (pun intended)! 😍

[saintjehanne]

Honestly, my goal in life is just to be a very warm person. I want to be as loving and as kind as I can be.

[plain-flavoured-english]

As I get older I’m starting to let go of the guilty urge to build permanent habits. Like, a while ago I decided I would start jumping rope every day. I did it for like three weeks and felt good about it. Then I got bored, because of course I did, because I’m a human person. So now I do a bit of kickboxing because that’s what I like now. The other week I cut all sugar from my diet, just for a week, to challenge myself. Now I’m back to eating sweets but I don’t crave them as much.

Growth is about stretching, trying new things, and setting small, realistic goals for yourself, not picking a “good habit” you’ve decided you will be doing always and forever from now on. That’s not discipline. That’s pointless self-torture and unhealthy resistance to change.

What’s good for you today will not necessarily be what’s good for you tomorrow.

[soluuuh]

I kind of need to follow active accounts here. Any suggestions? Any content, basta active. 

[soluuuh]

Naisip ko, sa tinagal-tagal ko dito sa Tumblr, andami ko na palang ginamit na username. ‘Yung iba nga hindi ko na matandaan. xD Subukan kong isa-isahin (ofc, not in chronological order lol).

hiddenpsycho

Okay ‘yan lang natandaan ko. HAHAHAHA! Enebe, self. Bakit ka ganyan?

[soluuuh]

My heart is tired right now. Sobrang nalulungkot ako since yesterday. It feels like I'm mourning. My business is going to die. And it's just the first month.

It was a leap of faith. Impulsive, even. I thought I can do it. And people say I could. But deep down, I know I can't. I'm not built for this. Pero sabi nila, wala naman talagang pinanganak na marunong na agad mag-business.

I was bombarded with motivational talks, with high promises. And I know that in order for me to get that financial freedom, I have to work hard in the beginning.

I can't stop crying right now. Yesterday, binalak ko na namang kunin yung kitchen knife. Just to end it all. I hate myself. I hate everyone.

Pero wala akong sinisisi. Wala talaga. I am thankful for every opportunity na pumapasok sa buhay ko.

I don't need encouragement right now. Because andaming motivational talks yung pinanood ko, I still ended up here. I just need somebody to listen. Yung hindi ako ijajudge. Pagod na ako sa buhay kong puno ng hidden agenda.

[soluuuh]

Ang hirap kapag malungkot ka tapos hindi mo pwedeng ipaalam sa iba. Yung gusto mong magpaka-broken sa social media pero hindi pwede kasi may inaalagaan kang image. Kailangan lagi kang palaban, laging fighting yung posts kasi kapag nakita ka nilang nahihirapan, the 'I told you so's' will flood your inbox.

Tapos kapag tinanong ka ng friends mo kung kumusta ka, hindi mo masabi yung totoo kasi di mo sure kung magjojoin sila sa binibuild mong business kapag sinabi mong nahihirapan ka.

Wala namang madaling business e. E di sana lahat na may business kung wala naman palang hirap. Kaso kasi lahat ng friends ko sa FB prospect ko. Kaya kailangan lahat ng posts ko doon, lavarn lang, amazing, kineme. And totoo naman yun lahat. Walang bahid ng kaplastikan yun. Yun nga lang, I'm afraid to show the other side of the experience kasi baka ma-discourage sila.

Pagod ako, oo. Malungkot. Pero hindi naman ako sumusuko. Lalaban pa rin naman. Gusto ko lang na may mag-acknowledge na okay lang maging malungkot. Okay lang umiyak. 😭

[chuckdrawsthings]

NOT TODAY