October 23, 2018
My name is Som.
I am an artist in Minnesota and a graphic designer.
I am one of four hosts on a podcast called The Anime Summit Podcast.
I am one of the founders and members of The Vantablack Art Collective on Discord.
In 2006 I fully came out as Bisexual, then later Pansexual.
In 2017 I semi-came out, on certain parts of the internet, and to some friends and family, as a Transgender woman. This thing or essay or whatever I am about to type up is that story. I will reference some people but not name names.
I am not ready to be 100% out but I have been telling more and more people lately and I feel as though I need to take this step to be closer to my Trans/Non Binary/Non Conforming family in this time of stress and fear. This is not to say that those in the closet are less valid or deserving of less protection or anything less than those that are out, this is personally for me and only me and to those in the closet still, I hope reading this helps you too.
I was assigned male at birth. My earliest memories of Gender dysphoria was seeing Selena on the TV and listening to her music. It was also seeing all of the beautiful women in the movies and anime I saw and watched as kid.
In the end of Spring in 2017 I started thinking that I was Gender fluid, that I felt that some days I wanted to be masculine or a man and other days I wanted to be a woman. The truth is is that throughout my youngest days I was feminine or femme presenting around certain people, and masculine presenting. So thinking about that and being introduced to the local Queercore scene in 2017, I thought that’s what I was. A friend of mine who is also a transgender woman had a show with her Queercore band. That’s when I was introduced to the band HIRS, a trans fronted hardcore queercore band. This is the last epiphany like moment I had before I had the talk with my partner.
Now in the end of Spring of 2017, I told my partner, a woman who is cisgender and identifies as queer. She told me that she loved me and asked if I wanted to talk about it more and what I wanted to do. I said “I don't know if I want to talk about it right now.” She replied with, “Then we don't have to talk about it now, we will talk about it when you are ready.” .. She was so supportive and days later we talked about it.
At this point I had to tell my podcast listeners on our Podcast’s Discord. I thought I am being listened to by hundreds of people every week and I need them to know because I wanted my host image to include that. So I told them, and I had all of their support. It took awhile to tell some more people but then I finally worked up enough courage to tell my friend (the one mentioned above who was in the queercore band and had the show with HIRS). She freaked out and now I felt better.
I recently, this past March, went to their last show as a band, again with HIRS. In between this time I was also featured on the HIRS/Thou split record which was also amazing, and on my recording of my vocals, I told the lead singer of HIRS about my story. She was happy to see me at that show and gave me encouragement as well. Now I feel strong and I finally tell my parents after eating at one of our favorite Taco places. That conversation went well but I don't think they got the nature of what it meant. After that I told my brother and before them I told my cousin who I look at as my brother as well. To this day my family still doesn't grasp what it means for me. A few months ago I had the convo with just my mother again.. She kind of got it but still doesnt I dont think.
I came out to my job, which is literally just me, my boss, and our sales admin. My boss is a 65 something year old white guy and doesn’t understand. They still call me he and him and sir and it pisses me off. I had the convo with them again and told them that I am going to be more femme presenting at work and I want to be comfortable, to which my boss replied “You keep talking about you being comfortable but we all have to be.” As if being transgender somehow makes you fear for your safety or sexuality or something. To this day I am still a man to them even though I go into work with make up and my leggings and womens tops. I even wear my black dress with my leggings and such. I haven't gone in with full makeup (just eye make up) yet. This is probably also a good time to mention that when I was presenting as a man, I wore black painted nails to work a few times and was told I couldnt by my boss.
I came out to more of my Trans/NB acquaintances on the internet. I even got to help a friend of mine with their charity organization, C2C Carepackage Delivery. Please search them up on Insta and Facebook...I got to meet him and it was amazing. Meeting your internet friends is amazing just sayin. He is a Transgender man doing amazing things with this and you should try to help out if you can.
Let's cut to now. October 20th, 2018. My 10 year High School Reunion. A facebook group was created for this event (a group page not an event page). The venue they were having it costed money so they decided to sell tickets. If enough tickets were sold then it would pay for it, but if not enough were sold then they couldn’t do it and would have to refund the people that had bought them. I had made it clear from the beginning that I wasn't going to go for obvious reasons. Unfortunately they didn't sell enough tickets so what they did instead was hung out in the cafe/bar of the same venue, but it closed at 9 so then they moved to another bar. At 9PM I got a call from a classmate and they had told me that everyone was looking for me. I told them that I did not want to go and that I was afraid. I went to pick up my partner from work and asked her what I should do. My heart was telling me to go and my mind was telling me that I will never get another opportunity like this to come out to this many people at once, let alone all of the people I had as FB friend anyway. I could do it in person and not on FB and it would be great. But the rest of me was like NO WAY DON'T DO IT.
I get another call from the same classmate and she said that she told people I might come and everyone was excited to see me. Now I was the nerdy goth kid in High School..My High School wasn't cliquey but there were a lot of friend groups/tribes. I am what some people referred to as a Mod, someone who freely travels between groups and was friends with everyone. I obtained this by getting people to laugh with me and not at me when they made fun of me for whatever reason..I became likeable I guess. I don't talk about it much because it makes me sound egotistical as fuck. Either way, I am being begged to go. So I said fuck it and I put on my make up and my favorite red dress and I go. The overwhelming support was amazing and everyone hugged me and held me tight and said they loved me. Shout out to my partner for having my back on that one.
So here we are now. I am semi out. Meaning I am out on Twitter, my Discord, my Instagram, a handful of friends on FB, my work, and my family; even though my work and family dont get it right now.. I wake up to the news a few days ago that the Trump admin sent this memo about some bull shit about defining Gender based on my genitals and physical biological make up. So now I write this. I write this to tell you all..
I am a transgender woman. I am not a man. I don't like to be called him, he, sir, Mr, or anything that refers to someone being a man or masculine presenting. I am a woman just like Selena, Cher, Lady Gaga, my mother, my partner, my aunt, and any of the other powerful cis-women in my family.
I am and want to be respected as such. That is not asking for more treatment, that is asking to be respected how I want to be respected. You don't have to like me as a person, but you will respect who I am as a human, and that's a woman. You have to respect Trans men as men because they are just that, men. You have to respect Non binary people because that’s who they are, they are non binary and do not conform nor have a gender or land on the gender binary.
If you are a cis man and I call you Mrs or Miss I am sure you would be like “I am a man though.” Well fuck my bad ok I won't call you that then. Literally the same thing. It's literally not hard nor takes any effort to refer to me and see me as a woman. I am not a political stance, I am not a political debate or a topic. I am a transgender person. A transgender woman.
I exist. I will not be erased. My humanity will not be denied. I want what everyone wants. A chance to live my best life and work hard and achieve my dreams, just like anyone else.
My name is Som. I am a human, an artist, a lover, a gamer, a nerd, a goth, a basketcase, a podcaster, a content creator, a fighting gamer, a painter, a mental illness survivor, a suicide attempt survivor. I am just like you.
