I heard the album forget and not slow down when I was 15 years old, I got the album for Christmas and listened to it all day on my iPod. I fell in love that day with an album, but I couldn’t tell you why I did that day.
Because I have loved that album everyday since, but it hasn’t spoken to me at all fully until the last two years of my life. When I discovered my relationship with Jesus. When I realized what all the lyrics met. How through heartbreak, through homesickness, through the burns, Jesus is always there.
The last song on the album is (if you want it) and it wasn’t always my favorite. It was something I didn’t understand. My senior year when I was burning myself, I still didn’t understand what would make me better. But this summer the song stuck out to me.
“I met the devil and I stared her in the eyes. Her hair had scales like silver serpents, I a statue stood there memorized.”
I have depression, and might always have depression. And that’s something I thought moving would change. I look at myself in the mirror sometimes and see that depressed, self-destructive person. And it’s easy to be memorized by that version of myself. It’s easy to fall into that depression and stay in bed or hurt myself.
“I took the fire escape and made it out alive. Yeah I still burn from time to time, but I’ve a healing Hand against my side.”
Every time I hear those lines, I get chills. Every Time I get the sense that Jesus is with me, sitting with me listening along. It’s easy to be angry, hurt and depressed. It’s something I can’t help, I’m human. But I made it out alive through the healing Hand. Through Jesus. I don’t self harm anymore, I don’t burn from time to time. I’m alive.
Hydrangeas grow in my backyard, they have since I was a baby. I have spent so many days playing in my backyard looking at them and seeing my parents admire them. This summer I spent lots of my days sitting on my patio looking at them, they remind me of my family. They remind me of my mom and dad and home. They remind me of my sisters and niece.
Sunflowers have always been a happy flower to me, bright and sunny. It reminds me of friendship. My friends are beautiful, all in their own ways. I admire their strength and laughter. // Lilacs are my favorite flower, my dad used to grow them out back. I love their scent, color and beauty.
The thing is, relient k is something I adore and love and hold in my heart, always. They have introduced me to music, and have strengthened my relationship with Jesus. Helped me find Him in all the hurt and craziness of life. But Jesus? He holds us all in His Hands. He holds your mom, your dad, your brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews, friends, boyfriend or girlfriend, pets. He takes care of them all. He heals us all because He loves us so much.
And that thought makes me cry. Makes me cry happy tears. Because I am loved, I am loved by Him, loved by those God holds in His hands for me. I am in recovery through all of those things Jesus has blessed me with. That is something that is also always. Much love always.
“Nourished back to life, by Life alone.”
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