welcome to annaland

Jesus chaser. relient K + girl meets world nerd. captain crunch is my main man.

[bemoreheartandlessattack]

flight 22

there are a million girls

in their own little worlds —

jackets of jean,

strings of beads on their keys,

navigating the weird

spaces between.

it’s all cities

and streetlights —

it’s a fight,

you know?

to not grow cold

as the pavement,

to say the words

that need saying.

maybe you’ll repeat history,

just rephrase

the questions we’ve had

since time began,

but no one will ask them

like you can.

so ask,

knowing that you know

the Answer.

but in the mean time,

don’t take yourself

too seriously.

don’t leave your smile

in your pocket,

let it pop

like a bottle rocket

in the dead of night.

you’re about to take flight

into the unknown great

and this weird stretch

is just a runway.

— anna b.

[uptional]

[mercury-and-mars]

What I thought the Christian life was going to be like:

What the Christian life is actually like:

[mercury-and-mars]

I thought of this meme at 11pm while reading Isaiah 40 and I had to scribble a sticky note to remind me to make it in the morning.

[jockalot]

[nerfzen]

fall off the grid

[calum-in-babylon]

we all knew it wasn’t fake anymore when Peter Kavinsky said he would write Lara Jean notes.

[melonmemes]

[jockalot]

[bemoreheartandlessattack]

don’t do it for the ‘gram

instaChristians. you know the people i’m talking about. the ones with ripped jeans and matching tshirts. they take gorgeous laughing photos and their faces rarely have a zit, and certainly not a full-on break out. they range from age 18 to 35, they have a stellar hat collection, a cool journal, and the coziest looking bedroom you’ve ever laid eyes on. they also may have a significant other who they proclaim is helping them grow in the Lord better than ever.

my heart heaves a sigh because i feel i will never come close to living such a life, when it hits me — they aren’t living such a life either.

lifestyle blogging and posting is detrimental, especially when Christianity is thrown in the mix. unknowingly, people are branding the Church and branding the name of Christ with their preferred styles, house decor, and coffee shops.

this leaves me on the outskirts already, though i’ve been a Christian since i was a young child. i’ve been pursuing Christ since i was 12, and have tried desperately hard to be as real as i can be. but i work at chick fil a, and my face breaks out, and most of my outfits are mismatched from thrift stores. sure i like coffee, but my bedroom hasn’t changed much since my junior year of high school. i didn’t gut-laugh for a whole year and still fight to keep myself from drowning in depression.

if i am left feeling this way, i can’t imagine how unbelievers must react when they see these beautiful people leading picturesque lives of adventure and romance and laughter. i can’t help but wonder if so many have turned away because of this brand of Christianity, a brand that they don’t buy into.

maybe they’re poor, and can’t afford nice accessories or iced coffee. or maybe they have a quirky way of existing, with blue hair and piercings and tattoos. maybe they don’t have time to read a lengthy post beneath your picture that details why you love Jesus, and only see the picture of how happy you are, while they’re sad and lonely and can’t even look in the mirror without cringing.

i don’t know how to change this branding i see going on, but it’s not of Jesus. it’s just not. Jesus is the most inclusive person in existence, and never tried to make what He said look cool or trendy. He probably could care less that a Bible verse is hung artfully above your couch or that you got 234 likes on your photo against a brick wall downtown. because he sees that you are missing the point.

please hear me out. this keeps plaguing my heart and i just keep trying to say it again in a different way. i’m not discouraging you from expressing yourself or having like minded friends, but y’all something’s gotta change.

people are left wandering on the outskirts of the internet, believing they could never be so trendy or so attractive.

JESUS wasn’t even attractive guys! He was average! He didn’t have a house of his own. He didn’t have the coolest robe or the nicest sandals. so why are we so caught up in this facade of being pretty and having pretty things? the truth is that this is all a big joke and it makes me wanna cry, not laugh. people are walking away from Jesus the brand, and never getting to look Jesus the person in the eyes.

[bemoreheartandlessattack]

i’m a missionary with b.d.d.

i was called to kenya my sophomore year of high school. i knew adamantly it was where i was supposed to go after college. and God opened all the door like magic. with a wave of His hand i got there.

i’ve battled depression since middle school. but nothing compared to what i’m currently up against.

during my first stay in kenya i contracted an amoeba from some meat i ate. since then, my body has just not been the same. my liver is producing too many hormones and therefore causing acne i never had before, especially between my eyebrows. i don’t have the nutrition to get it under control while i’m in kenya, and so it worsens significantly while i’m here.

i’m so embarrassed and ashamed to admit it, but i suffer from body dysmorphic disorder. i can’t go an hour or more without thinking about the scars between my eyebrows, and it makes me sick that i can’t. i was used to feeling so confident without makeup, and now i don’t even feel it with it on. i spent a year thinking i was vain and that God was angry with me, but i have recently found that there is a severe chemical imbalance in my brain, and that i’m not as crazy as i believed myself to be.

i’m crying as i write this, but i want to be painfully honest about my story as a missionary. the Lord will allow things we can’t possibly understand, and for me this is facial scarring and body dysmorphic disorder.

though He slay me, i will put my trust in Him. whom have i in heaven but Him? i cannot run from the only Love i know. and so i continue, even as my heart breaks and my mind turns on itself. He is all i have.

[bemoreheartandlessattack]

souls and food

if you flip through the new testament and count up all the instances Jesus intentionally took time to eat with people, you’ll be surprised. if He wasn’t healing or sharing Truth, He was probably sitting down to a meal with someone.

He went and ate with Zacchaeus at his home. He was partaking with the social elite when the woman (a prostitute) came in and washed His feet with her tears, dried them with her hair, and doused them in expensive perfume. He fed 5,000 with five loaves and two fish. He made breakfast for the disciples after He rose from the grave.

what’s so special about eating? i mean, we all have to do it right? why is Jesus seen at the dinner table or around a campfire or blessing the food so often?

of course this isn’t spelled out in the Bible, but i believe it’s an avenue to connecting. it’s a way to relate as humans, and even as souls. i’ve seen evidence of it during my time in kenya, so heavily that i started wondering if there really is something spiritual to the food we eat and who we take it with.

while i would argue the fast food mentality of america is shifting, we are so used to having meals on the go that we have lost the intimacy found in cooking together, and circling the table and enjoying the company of our family and friends. my family is guilty of watching the nightly news as we eat, rather getting to know each other’s hearts a little better.

some of my favorite moments in kenya are cooking with the aunties, whether at home or at the orphanage. they love that i have learned to cook their traditional foods; even the aunties who aren’t fluent in english smile and laugh when i come to cook mendazi and ugali. it unites us somehow, and it makes the river between us seem more like a puddle, and one we can splash around in together.

in revelation 3:20, Jesus says, “behold I stand at the door and knock. if anyone should hear My voice and open the door, then I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me.”

may we follow His example. let’s knock on people’s doors, cross the threshold into their lives — no matter how messy — and eat with them. let’s bring Jesus to the hungry souls knowing He will satisfy.

[bemoreheartandlessattack]

what would i give

i have no doubt many of us would not deny the name of Jesus if given the option of denial or death, but it’s our own souls in jeopardy. what about the soul of another, though — even someone you don’t know? not your children, not your family, not even a friend. how far would you go to ensure the soul of a stranger is in heaven with yours?

would you sell all you have and give it to the poor? would you leave behind your home, your family and your friends? would sing in prison, would you refuse to curse a guard who is beating you? would you forfeit your health? would you trade the beauty of your youth?

those last two questions have been gnawing at me for the last eight months. as some of you know, i contracted an amoeba last year when eating some unknowingly infected meat. since then, my digestive health has just not been the same, and neither has my once glowy, smooth face. it’s all intertwined, and because my intestines have yet to recover from the harsh antibiotics i took (and may never fully), i don’t know if or when my scattered forehead acne will either.

don’t get me wrong, i know there are people going through much, much worse for the sake of the gospel, even to the point of martyrdom. but this has been really hard on me. not being able to enjoy foods as freely as i used to has been challenging, and persisting acne has pummeled my self esteem into the ground. for a 20-something girl, self esteem is nearly a necessity if she’s hoping to attract a godly man. honestly it’s needed even if she wants to lead a content life of singleness.

these two battles plus trying to readjust to life in the states sent me into a deep depression — the darkest season i’ve ever faced. i’m just now beginning to see the light again, though it still seems like it’s somewhere in the distance.

i keep thinking of job and how God said he had no right to question Him, and i know that i don’t either. i’m a mere mortal who cannot understand the ways of the Almighty. but i do know this: God redeemed job after his trials were over and he was proven faithful.

while i certainly haven’t been through as much as job, i HAVE tried to remain faithful, and have not ignored the burden He’s placed on my heart. God restored job after he made it through the worst days of his life because he never cursed Him. He gave him ten-fold of the things he once had. and so i cling to the hope that maybe He will do the same for me, if i can just press on and remain faithful through the fire.

may i look in the mirror and see my acne scars as tiny badges of honor. may i refrain from foods i once loved gratefully. it’s not easy, but i’m trying. and if one soul comes to know the love of Jesus because of my time in kenya, it will all be worth it.

[bemoreheartandlessattack]

slow starts

the first week is always hard. my internal clock is still eight hours behind, leaving me groggy during the day and wide eyed at night. and today i had my first bout of diarrhea, as my stomach has completely forgotten the traditional kenyan foods after being away for eight months. i’ve only taken two full-out showers since i’ve arrived, and have slept until the late afternoon hours many days so far.

living in africa with friends that are practically family is a privilege. being able to speak Truth in Love as we weave in and out of the mundane tasks of the day-to-day is an honor i feel unworthy of. but i gotta be honest — traveling internationally takes a toll on me.

my body changes time zones, diet, cultural norms, environment, and routine in just a couple of days, and making all these transitions is overwhelming. i want so badly just to dive in, keenly aware of how short my time here is, but it’s nearly impossible to make leaps physically, emotionally, and spiritually in a fast-paced manner.

and so i pray and listen to music and read and pray some more, asking God to use my time to add souls to His Kingdom, even if that means taking some of it to adjust. i’ve been particularly aware of my own humanity this trip, and realize it’s okay to rest my body so that i can serve well.

His strength is made perfect in weakness, and so i lean into that Truth as i ease myself into the stark yet subtle rhythms of kenya.

[yourbigsisnissi]

A part of being an adult is living with regret and not allowing it to consume you. The older you get, the more mistakes you’ve made, opportunities you’ve missed, people you’ve disappointed. And every day you have to remind yourself to be kind and forgiving of yourself. You accept and love the you from the past and understand that it’s all a part of the process. Then you move on and live your best life, knowing now as old as you feel today, you’ll never be this young again.

[dailyinspirationquotes]

[memewhore]

[babyanimalgifs]