sombre à clair

Act justly. Love mercy. Walk humbly.

[sombreaclair]

Today someone asked me if I'd been to the QVB tearooms before. No, because the last time I was supposed to go I was in hospital for trying to kill myself lol

[sombreaclair]

Depression is watching your three year old make fairy bread on their own completely nude and doing nothing.

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Can't decide if I should go deep enough to need stitches or not

[sombreaclair]

Why would I do this.

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After I tried to kill myself it rained for two weeks straight. Maybe that's why I feel like this every time the skies turn grey.

[sombreaclair]

I'm paralysed by sadness so I lay here on the couch and stare at the tv. I forgot to pick up my prescription and I've spent days like this as a result.

Sometimes I think about weaning off medication and then things like this happen. Sure it's manageable but why should I have to?

[sombreaclair]

Brought the kids to the park so I could clock off for a bit and these kids are honestly the best. It's like they can sense I'm down today.

[sombreaclair]

It hurts, it always hurts. 

[sombreaclair]

I wish you'd just tell me if you think I did the wrong thing.

[sombreaclair]

Today is a go back to bed day.

I forgot to get a new prescription so had to halve my medication over the weekend. Turns out it really works for me.

[sombreaclair]

I changed my medication a couple of weeks ago and the difference is huge. I didn't realise I was feeling quite that bad.

[sombreaclair]

Feel shitty today. Go to bed and try to try again tomorrow.

[sombreaclair]

Sometimes when I'm driving alone late at night I wonder what it would be like to put my foot down and keep going. I don't have the intent but the wonder is still there.

Then I wonder if these thoughts will ever leave, if the world will ever be better than it is, if I can cope, if I can be happy, if I can do more than just survive.

[sombreaclair]

Thirty.

I never thought I'd be here and now I am I still don't know what I'm doing.

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I feel silly for feeling lonely, and even more so for dwelling on silly friend things that are probably nothing. Are you busy? Sure. Is that ok? Yes. Why do I feel like this.

[sombreaclair]

10 years.

A lot of things happen in 10 years. Getting married, having kids, setting up a home and a life. I am grateful for my life, the people in it, the things we do, where we get to live and the experiences I’ve had. 

10 years ago I just couldn’t. I couldn’t work, couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t be. I could think of nothing worse than continuing. It just hurt so bloody much all the time. 

To be honest, I don’t know how I got here. I’m still learning everyday. I look at the difference between then and now and think there must have been so many ups and downs and that I must have learnt so much about myself. But, to be honest, I don’t know what I’ve learnt about myself. There have been far more ups than downs, but that doesn’t change the fact that there are still downs. Sometimes I think I’m whole and healed and other days I don’t even know what that looks like. 

Today I am nervous, I think about how easy it was. I’m mindful of looking after myself and doing all the right things, of breathing deeply. 

I am grateful to be here and to have this life. 

[sombreaclair]

I fell into a bit of a hole the last couple of weeks. We've been busy and I'm feeling at capacity all the time and overwhelmed. We've ticked a couple of big events off the calendar now and I'm feeling slightly more relaxed.