[sometimesiwritepoems]

Gender

There are three ways that I explain my gender to others

To the general public: I am nonbinary Both masculine and feminine But neither man nor woman I exist beyond your narrow constructs of personhood

To close friends and select family members: I am agender Genderless Gender itself Is meaningless  To me I simply am

To my fellow queers: I am an eldritch horror So uncanny Unfathomable That even I Cannot properly explain What it is I am Plainly put A creature

No matter which way  I explain it Though One thing remains clear

I will never fit Into any box Anyone could ever Try to put me in

[sometimesiwritepoems]

Seize

Carpe diem Seize the day

But what if the day doesn’t want to be seized? What if the day is tired of all those hands grabbing hold of her? Tired of the men who believe they can own her Who think that if they only took enough of her Their lives would be that much better

Diem solum relinque Leave the day alone

[sometimesiwritepoems]

Underline

Your name appears in the story of my life With an exclamation mark Underlined Twice Circled In red

There are parts of you In parts of me

And I want to tear those parts away Rip them to shreds Until there is nothing of you left

I know I’m supposed to love you But mostly I hate you

And it’s breaking me  Destroying my mind in a way I never thought possible

Every moment spent in your presence  Has become a hardship

Where once there was joy There is now only suffering

And I can’t escape you I’ll never be able to

Because your name appears in the story of my life With an exclamation mark Underlined Twice Circled In red

Forever

[sometimesiwritepoems]

Structure

Everything must align Be built to perfection The ideal design No need for correction

Everything must make sense So follow the rules At your own expense And use the right tools

If something is wrong If something is misplaced Prepare for your swan song Prepare to leave disgraced

It’s only a matter of time Before the fall No reason or rhyme When you lose it all

Everything must align

[sometimesiwritepoems]

Productive

I am forced to keep running  In this hamster wheel known as Productivity

If I am not productive I am a failure

If I stop running  I die

But I’m too tired And it’s so hard To keep going To keep working

Working for what? Working to live When living should be free?

And how can I live If I’m constantly working?

Running with no end in sight Running with no purpose in mind I’m just  Running  Running Running

I have to stay productive

[sometimesiwritepoems]

Peel

What does it take to find  The truest version of ourselves To peel back all our layers Until we get to the core Of who we are?

What is left of a person When everything they know Everything they feel Everything they believe themself to be Is peeled away?

I wonder What I look like At my most authentic self When the truth of who I am Is revealed

I hope I’ll still be able to recognize The person staring back at me

[sometimesiwritepoems]

Heavy

Heavy is the head that wears the crown Except I wear no crown So why is my head still heavy?

There is a weight I carry That I can’t seem  To ever let go of No matter how many times I try

It wears me down Until it is all I feel All I know

At what point do I stop fighting it And start embracing it?

[sometimesiwritepoems]

Stitch

I am made of invisible stitches From all the years I’ve spent Putting myself back together

Now and then new pieces fall off But my time is mostly used Fixing the stitches of an old piece  When they fray

And they fray often

I wonder if it’s the stitch itself Not strong enough Or if it’s me Not skilled enough

Maybe it’s both Weak stitches Sewn by sloppy hands

Sewing And resewing And resewing And resewing

It’s neverending But if I stop I crumble And I refuse

To break down now Would be a tragedy All my hard work Gone in the blink of an eye

You may not see  The stitches that hold me together The scars that have formed But they are there

Proof of survival Proof of life

[sometimesiwritepoems]

Spill

One day I will overflow

Everything I push down Ignore Save for another day

The sadness  The anger The fear

Will spill out of me Like a tidal wave Bringing destruction to all who are near

And I will be an empty vessel Devoid 

Or maybe I’ll be Pandora’s jar With hope the only thing left Hidden at the bottom

But hope is still an evil Isn’t it?

A false positive  Meant to lift you up  Before tearing you down 

One day When I overflow

And everything I push down Spills out of me

Hope better leave me too

[sometimesiwritepoems]

Ceiling 

White popcorn  That’s my ceiling

I know all its bumps and ridges  The flattened streak  Where my closet door used to touch it The peach coloured corners That my father accidentally painted

I know every crevice Just as it knows me

My ceiling has borne witness to my whole life Tears and laughter Pain and joy Bad days and good It has seen it all

I wonder what it would say if it could speak What it might know about me that I don’t even know myself What it can see that I can’t

My faithful companion My protector

My ceiling

[sometimesiwritepoems]

Mercy

I don’t think I have it in me to be merciful

I try To be understanding To be forgiving

I know That people deserve second chances That mistakes can be made

I have Been understood Been forgiven Been allowed second chances Been shown my mistakes

And yet

I don’t think I have it in me to be merciful

When I am wronged I rage

The monster inside me Yearns to rend and tear Claw and bite Destroy all who would dare hurt me

It does not sleep It never forgets

Does everyone have that monster? Do they ignore it in favour of mercy?

How?

I don’t think I have it in me to be merciful

The monster is too strong

[sometimesiwritepoems]

Safety

What does it mean to be safe? To be comfortable? To be loved? To be known?

I am safe with you Always

It is intrinsic knowledge Etched into the depths of my heart

I am safe with you No matter what

When danger comes calling When fear grabs hold When anxiety tears its talons through me

I know I am safe with you

What does it mean to be safe? To be comfortable? To be loved? To be known?

It means you

[sometimesiwritepoems]

why do bodies make up so much of who we are,

how we’re perceived?

our bodies define us

whether we want them to or not

but what is the body to the mind?

my body tells me and the world

that i am a woman

my mind says

that i am so much more

woman is a box

created to oppress

created to demean and diminish

created to restrict

it traps me

i don’t fit

within its walls

but i force myself down

contort myself

until no part of me sticks out

the pain becomes normal

so normal i forget

that i am no woman

that i do not fit

i forget

until i stretch

and hit the roof

it shocks me into remembering

that this is a box in which

i don’t belong

i push against the walls

the roof

the floor

i push and push and push

until the box shatters around me

and finally i am free

what is the body to the mind

when the mind cannot be contained?

[sometimesiwritepoems]

DEMIGIRL

i used to hate my body

would wish to be a boy every time my period came around

but that wasn’t really what i wanted

because i wasn’t a boy

but being a girl didn’t feel right either

and then i got used to my body

not enough to truly be comfortable

not enough to stop wanting to tear myself into pieces

and be remade into something terrifyingly new

but enough to live

i got used to the idea of being a girl

started relating to the joys and struggles of womanhood

even as i railed against the barriers put up around me

the stereotypes

the expectations

of what a girl was supposed to look like

supposed to act like

supposed to be

sometimes

i am a girl

sometimes

i’m an eldritch being

a horror beyond comprehension

i am everything and nothing

jumbled thoughts in a mindless loop

a blank page waiting to be filled

that feeling when a word is on the tip of your tongue

just out of reach

my body does not define me

i am whatever i choose to be

[sometimesiwritepoems]

RAGE

bubbling up inside of me

boiling over though my eyes

red face

red vision

all there is

is red

nails digging into skin

the urge to scream

so strong

my throat is already raw

why?

why don’t you trust me?

why can’t you just say what you mean?

why must you play at being nice

when there’s nothing nice about it?

we may not be in the same room

same city

but i can picture you so well

the eye roll

the huff

the clear annoyance on your face

i see it

hear it

in your words

it shouldn’t be this hard

just be honest

[sometimesiwritepoems]

i’m choking on words i refuse to let out

pushing down emotions i refuse to show

i’m so sick

of the same arguments

same debates

same story, different day

is it really so hard

to support me?

is it really so hard

to just listen

to what i have to say?

i’m trying to be okay

if that’s even possible

if there’s a way

i haven’t found it yet

and if i do

it’ll just slip through my fingers

like always

because i’m never okay

not when it comes to you

[sometimesiwritepoems]

There’s a weight on my chest

It pushes down on me

Until every breath is torture

Until my eyes start swimming

And my lungs give out

There’s a screw loose in my head

I try to tighten it

But I don’t have the right tools

So infection sets in

Until my thoughts become poison

And my mind turns against me

There’s a knife in my heart

I don’t know who put it there

Was it me?

Did I do this to myself?

The blood leaks slowly

Drip by drip

Until there’s nothing left

And it’s too late to save me

How can something be saved when it was all broken to begin with?