a jumble of nautical puzzle pieces

cptsd, osdd, in recovery. 22. any pronouns.

[somewhereinagarden]

Like once again I am unfortunately having big emotions

[somewhereinagarden]

without romanticisation, I fear we wouldn’t make it.

[somewhereinagarden]

my thoughts are certainly… something.

[dankmemesreasonforliving]

[somewhereinagarden]

no bc I need to do unspeakable things and I need to do them NOW

[somewhereinagarden]

For YEARS I missed being closer with him and searched for that bond and wanted to reach out more and I was Always fucking reigned in by other parts and now he’s fucking gone and I Never got to have that bond back. Literally fuck everyone.

-Lo

[somewhereinagarden]

I am sick of having to accept unspeakable things.

-Will

[somewhereinagarden]

I feel like I am letting the other parts down. I was made to protect us but the way I was created makes me more adept at putting us in harms way than protecting us… when it comes to this specific situation. I hate it and I hate that I’m failing but I also hate being held back.

I wish it was just me because, god, I know what I’d do.

-will

[somewhereinagarden]

I’m upset that we didn’t get to see him once more before everything went down.

If K hadn’t been the main part around over winter break, we would’ve made plans to see him then. But K wasn’t around for the years we were close to him, so he didn’t think about it…

God, I just wish something had gone differently. I wish I wish.

[somewhereinagarden]

It’s so funny and a little odd to me that other parts think of Will as the system dad when like… that is a literal child. Like he is 17 at most. That is not your father that is a baby with trauma.

-Abi

[somewhereinagarden]

I’m here and it’s been a second and like. the whole system is now being run by parts I don’t have a ton of contact with. And I don’t know what to do with that but it makes me feel a little weird about being here.

-N

[somewhereinagarden]

Sometimes I’m like “I’m really not doing well right now” and then I remember that I’ve basically been transported from my 15-17 year old mindset to living on my own as a 22 year old and dealing with an incredibly heartbreaking and retraumatizing situation. And with that and mind like yeah. I’m doing my best. I’m working on it. It’ll be ok.

[somewhereinagarden]

I’m more than just the one who stayed.

-cady

[somewhereinagarden]

I was so close to hanging up my role. To unburdening. To living without that being my purpose.

I talked so many times about how there wasn’t a need for me anymore, and how that made me feel useless.

But now there is a need for me again. And I fucking hate it. It’s awful. It hurts again and again every time I remember what’s happening.

-Lo

[somewhereinagarden]

Me and Will are absolutely hopeless lmao but at least we have each other

-Lo

[somewhereinagarden]

Please don’t hate me for telling you I know. Please get how hard it was for me to say that to you. Please please please don’t just ignore me. I’m hurting so bad and I need you. I haven’t for years but I need you now and I hate myself for it but I can’t fucking stop. I wish I could talk to you.

[somewhereinagarden]

I wish he hadn’t hurt someone else. I wish it had been me. Then I wouldn’t have to feel this sick inside.