Pandora's Box

[randomsplashes]

the biggest mood rn (x)

[turing-tested]

generate a girlfriend here and tag this with what kind of girlfriend you got

[kushandwizdom]

You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.

Paulo Coelho‏ (via faithful-forever)

[mairauders]

Perhaps, the biggest tragedy isn’t the endings. Perhaps, it’s the what if’s and the almost’s that bury us in the end.

i suffocated at the memory of you. // V.R. (via mairauders)

[eibmozotco]

[factsmyguy-deactivated20180214]

i deadass lost interest in everything. im just cruising on autopilot rn

[somewhereinthedeadofnight]

UGH and i had built up such a good streak of not posting in this blog you know. it’s my fault i know, but i keep up such false hopes you know? like sure, this is what i get for being idealistic i guess.

[somewhereinthedeadofnight]

so i am well aware that i’m being a melodramatic little shit, but i need to stop making plans in my head and romanticizing things that won’t happen, and are just going to hurt me. like, fine, it’s nice to entertain and strategize about stealing a kiss but let’s be real i do deserve some reciprocity and if that’s not on the table then i really can’t be wasting my time, my energy, and my stupid little feelings. i don’t have the power to magically change someone’s mind and heart and so you know what, I GIVE UP FOR REAL. I’m done listening to gravity by sara barielles and going yeah, this, me.

anyways, i’ve been listening to now i’m all messed up by tegan and sara and it’s not perfectly topical like, there’s no cheating going on obvs, but the vibe of feeling fucked over and needing to just really move on for my own mental health is spot on. i mean, “go if you want, i can’t stop you” is just so goddamn relatable.

[coltre]

sometimes I feel so hopeless and miserable because I feel like I am not making any progress in anything I do and this reinforces my crushing fear that I am wasting my life

[blossomfully]

But you loved her? Yes. And she loved you? Yes. Then why did it end? Because love and compatibility are not always the same thing.

(via blossomfully)

[somewhereinthedeadofnight]

i’m kind of glad that i’m so exhausted so far this semester? like, i’m definitely in all of these classes specifically because i wanted to inflict hell on myself to grow and it doesn’t really give me time to be afraid anymore. i can’t second-guess if i’m not smart enough to be in CS i just need to get the lab in and start the next one ASAP. i can’t think too much about how 90% of my Art Hist seminar is made up of art history/archaeo majors applying for grad school (do i belong here?) i just need to crank out the weekly presentations and write my essays and believe that if my professor hasn’t failed me yet i must be doing something right. Chinese sucks away my joy as usual and I sold my soul to the print shop but I’m so busy I can stop worrying and just work, which is oddly peaceful. And the fact that I’m in 4 classes not 5 is giving me the chance to devote even more energy to everything because yes, hi, slow learner here, I need all that extra time. 

So yeah, I’m scared shitless (as usual) but for once I don’t have the time or energy to think about it and that’s nice. Sure I had a small breakdown already but that’s nothing on the past semesters hahahaha haa. 

[clementinevonradics]

You are on the floor crying, and you have been on the floor crying for days. And that is you being brave. That is you getting through it as best you know how. No one else can decide What your tough looks like.

Clementine von Radics (via clementinevonradics)

[somewhereinthedeadofnight]

HOW DO I KEEP MY MIND FOCUSED??? how do i stop it from careening all over the place, how do i regain my sense of urgency, i’m so lost and directionless and i can’t focus like i used to be able to. i feel like my capacity for focus slips more and more away every year and i’m sloppy and distracted and not perfectionist except for when i am and nothing i say makes much sense anymore, like my handle on language of any kind is just falling to pieces. i don’t know the last time i felt clarity of mind. i can’t remember anything i learn. my retention is shitty, my focus is shot, it’s as if my mind is saying a million words in the same breath and i’m choking on it all.

i just need it to all stop. i need it to stop, or end, or line up, or make sense. I feel like I’m swimming through molasses, to be cliche. I feel like I’m losing all of my will and there’s nothing that can bring it back. I dream about losing myself. I think about killing myself. I wonder about purpose and I think about fear and I want to be rid of my fear but I think I just want it to all be done. 

I’m tired. I feel like I’m putting on a play. I want the curtains to fall, please god please just make it stop. 

[somewhereinthedeadofnight]

me: "i haven't been feeling too good lately"

me thinking: oh god was that manipulative? i think that was manipulative. i'm baiting them into asking about my day oh god i'm so selfish

me: [makes post about being depressed]

me thinking: oh fuck that was manipulative wasn't it? i'm literally just fishing for pity now oh god i'm so self-absorbed i may as well just call people outright, screaming "SYMPATHIZE WITH ME" into their ears

me: [successfully conceals all traces of unhappiness, is an amiable and talkative person with all my friends]

me thinking: i hate my life so much. am i being selfish for being unhappy because i'm concealing my unhappiness?? AM I BEING MANIPULATIVE?? how did i get to be so conceited i want to die

[night-rooms]

another text series about feelings by me 

[oh-girl-among-the-roses]

The flowers have come, and are adorable, dusky, tortured, passionate like you—

Virginia Woolf, in a letter to her lover Vita Sackville-West (via oh-girl-among-the-roses)

[wordsnquotes]

My memory loves you; it asks about you all the time.

Jonathan Carroll  (via wordsnquotes)