Son, just don't.

These are things that college students, who are legal adults, say to me. Out loud. In all seriousness.

[deadlinejon]

political comics that are just kids holding books and going “what’s this?????? not a electronic? no computer???not phone?? how can be??” will always crack me up

[deadlinejon]

[hyperchaotix]

I think old people do this just to feel better about themselves because they don’t know how to use a computer and think that it works the other way around for some reason.

[pancakeke]

I fixed it

[bloochikin]

Much better

[balancinglovely]

[son-just--dont]

student: my class is not in the classroom, there's a different class in there. can you help me find my class?

me: ok, sure, what days does your class meet?

student: Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.

me: well, there's your problem right there, pal, it's Monday.

student: ok but where is my class?

me: ...it's Monday. they don't meet today.

student: [stares blankly]

me: does the class have, like, a Monday lab or something?

student: no, they only meet Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.

me: ok, so, since it's Monday...that means...there's no class...today...because it's Monday.

student: do you know what room they're in?

me: oh my god

[n0kiv]

College be like

Housing: $2,980 Meal plan: $1,457 Books: $1,429 Enrollment: $983 Air: $3,274 Grass: $4,284 Sidewalk: $5,284 The sun: $3,381

[yalsey-deactivated20160325]

freshman advice

stop fucking screaming

[son-just--dont]

american college students: man college is so expensive

college students from literally every else: college is free for us

american college students: ... okay... that sounds fake but okay...

[son-just--dont]

student: "can you read my schedule to me?" [hands me smartphone]

me:

[son-just--dont]

Diabeetus

Guy in my class has diabetes. Eating a Twinkie and drinking a two liter of Mountain Dew. Has a second one for later. Says it's okay, he's got a tube in his stomach and can administer insulin any time. Proceeds to lift his shirt and show everyone. Community college, everybody.

[son-just--dont]

Dash or an underscore = same difference at community college.

Started class yesterday evening. Instructor passed around a sheet of paper for students to write their name and email address. One student didn't have the best handwriting and the instructor went over to him to make sure she was reading his email address correctly.

Instructor: What is this? Student 1: ....uh...my email address... Me: LOL (I felt like a jerk for that, but I couldn't help myself. I literally laughed out loud.) Instructor: (looking at him like "bitch are you for serious right now?") Yes, I know that. What I'm asking is what is this thing? (Pointing to an underscore.) Student 1: (at this point I don't even think he can read his own writing)....It's a dash. Student 2: That looks like an underscore.. Student 1: Whatever the one that looks like a line. Instructor: An underscore. Okay.

I can't wait for the rest of this semester.

[vaureos-inactive-deactivated202]

universities be like: Ha ha yes, we totally c$are abou$t you$r Educa$tion!! our $tudent’s learning is our numb$er one pri$ority :$)

[son-just--dont]

woman on phone: I have a question for [other department].

me: I'm so sorry, but I think you have the wrong department. Let me transfer you to -

woman on phone: Okay but I have two questions, let me tell you both of them. [lists questions I cannot answer, as they are for another department]

me: unfortunately, I can't answer either of those questions, because I am not in [other department].

woman on phone: you're not being very helpful.

[son-just--dont]

My Students

My reactions to the things my students say and do in class.

No, I will not confirm or deny your answers to the quiz questions during the quiz.

Don't tell me I'm not answering your questions. I am absolutely answering your questions. You just don't like the answers. 

Please don't lecture the person with multiple degrees in the field on some of the most simplistic aspects of the field while you are taking her lower division, undergraduate class on the subject. 

If you want to go into a health care field, and all of your reactions to the dissections are "Ew, gross!" you might want to reconsider your career choices. 

[son-just--dont]

how are you going to call me when you're driving to ask me questions that you KNOW you need to write the answers down for like what the fuck

Them: "Can you give me their website?" Me: "Yes, it's www.-" Them: "I'M DRIVING, I CAN'T WRITE ANY OF THIS DOWN."

[son-just--dont]

How are you just now figuring this out?

It is week 6 of the 10 week quarter. My students have already had one exam. 

And somehow, this student had yet to figure out that not only are there study guides for each topic posted, but I had posted them at the beginning of the quarter. All the materials for exam 1 (given in the 5th week) had been posted since the first week. 

[son-just--dont]

Woman on phone: Are you the government?

Me: ...no, we...we're a school.

Woman on phone: So you don't do any government things.

Me: Well...not...I'm not sure what you mean.

Woman on phone: Why are you calling yourselves the Department of Homeland Security?

Me: We aren't, ma'am. We aren't the Department of Homeland Security.

Woman on phone: [agitated] Where is the government located?

Me: I'm sorry, I don't understand your question. Which do you mean? Local government, state government, federal government...?

Woman on phone: [annoyed sound] You're being rude. I want your name. Give me your name.

[son-just--dont]

I'm a TA  Direct quotes from students. 

"Were there any questions that gave away answers to other questions?"

(Night before the exam)" Can you fill out this 14 page study guide to make sure that I have all the answers correct?"

(Week before presentations; they signed up for groups 5 weeks ago) "Who is in my group?"

(During the exam) "Is the answer to #25 grey matter?"

[son-just--dont]

ah, the beginning of Spring semester, and already, I have received two questions on how to use the stairs this morning

children, how did you grow up? your parents, so worried about potential falls down stairs, kept you in a one-story school, in a one-story house, in a one-story world. they kept you from going on so many field trips - "does this building have stairs?" they'd ask worriedly, "I don't want my child to be exposed to stairs. if this building has a second or, God forbid, THIRD FLOOR, I'm afraid I won't be signing a permission slip." you were never allowed to play platformer video games lest you be exposed to other levels of living. and if your friends lived in a split-level? absolutely not, you cannot play at Suzie's house. no, all your life, you were planted firmly with your feet on the ground, and here you are, in this mystifying two-story building. poor children. poor everyone. have pity. have mercy.

stairs are hard.