songraven's symphony

[songraven]

its honestly SO WEIRD that i am at a point in my life where i look at my next biggest goal and its a house. i know i've a ways to actually get there, but if you had told me that was my focus a decade ago i probably would have looked at you funny, because a decade ago i could hardly fathom even surviving or maintaining a damn job.

things are far from perfect and life is a series of ups and downs, but it is kind of nice to be able to look back and be like damn, i've come a long way. and i don't think i always give myself credit for that. it's easy to lose sight of the big picture sometimes when you think about your current life. i do it all the time. because its not like i don't still struggle. i do, especially lately. but its not all bad. and its certainly not as bad as it was, or could be.

[songraven]

well since i know you'll be a little stalker and find this

because you always do. you always come back and regret and apologize and expect to be welcomed with open arms. and i've done exactly that. every. single. time.

and this is for the last time. i refuse to live in this fucked cycle with you anymore.

god forbid i have emotions and express that i am upset with your behavior. i wasn't rude. i was direct, open, and kept it adult, and left it alone when you asked. but because apparently i'm not allowed to be angry or disagree with your dramatic behavior, it warrants no discussion and instead a block like you've done so many times over the years. i've done nothing but enable your shit behavior and i feel stupid for it. and not only that, but you've created a circle of yes men, and we have all fallen for it because we care about you. what a sad affair for all of us.

whether or not you want to accept it, you are a textbook borderline. the diagnoses you have received are true. normal people in relationships talk about things when a conflict occurs. they may take some space, as we WERE doing, and then come back to it. even if the decision was the end of a friendship - friends, (or "sisters" as you will - terrible that i ever called you that again) will discuss why the friendship is ending. you just jump straight to bye, bitch, like no one, not even a 6 year old kid, deserves a goodbye. google borderline relationship cycle, and borderline discard, borderline splitting. check out the BPDlovedones subreddit. its what you've done for years, not just to me, and what you will continue doing if you don't get help.

if i had ever thought you would have treated our relationship like this again, after you reached out last - seemingly apologetic - i never would have even responded to your message. you acted like things were different, that you were doing better, that you changed, that therapy and medication helped. that facade faded so quickly, and yet i was still here to support you because i thought the days of being unable to communicate about issues were long gone.

you even took it a step further this time. ostracized me from mutual friends just because -we- had a disagreement. god thats a behavior even crossing into narcissism, but because i don't have dichotomous thinking, i can see the grey area. and that grey area is that you are flawed, hurt, and ultimately trying to preserve yourself. not a narcissist, but someone who has a disorder that makes them behave extremely selfishly, who gets insanely triggered and can't handle their own emotions. your brand new internet buddies don't see it now, but they will over time. how you make every conversation about you, how your problems are what fill the air, how your opinions trump everyone else, how you absorb other peoples personalities because you don't have one of your own, and how your disability and mental illness rule over every bit of your life - how you act absolutely helpless, expect everyone to help you even when its unreasonable, and a victim at every turn. a victim in your relationships, a victim of your parents, a victim of your body. and eventually you'll see their flaws, too. and all it will take is them doing one thing that triggers you for them to be the next in line on the chopping block.

just like craput, kung, aaron, zach, MS girl, me.

i don't blame you for your disorder. but i can recognize that i want nothing to do with it ever again. i can recognize that i am actually kind of relieved i don't have to deal with the constant creation of drama and problems anymore. i can understand that i deserve better from someone who dared call themselves family. i can feel proud that i'm saying never again to all of the times you try to come hoovering back for your own selfish needs, to use someone to fill the suffering and emptiness inside of you. i promise you this is the last time i will learn this lesson.

this time i will never be unblocking you - i blocked your cronies, just in case they try hoovering for you.

its done and i can breathe a breath of fresh air. good luck to the ones who have known you a couple of months and have no idea that not only will they experience you as the most real friendship they've ever had, but the most false, intense one as well.

this doesn't hurt like it used to. i am still happy in my life, and you can't take that away from me anymore.

[dutchster]

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Awooooooooooooooooo

[buttonpoetry]

Come back to me. Come back to me the way leaves come back to trees in spring, the way ocean comes back to shoreline, the way hair should come back to a head after a haircut.

Jonathan Salazar, “Baby Come Back (after Poetri)” (via buttonpoetry)

[buttonpoetry]

Every scar a reminder of my ability to hold on long after the let-go became the logical choice.

Jared Singer, from Forgive Yourself These Tiny Acts of Self-Destruction (via buttonpoetry)

[songraven]

truly this blog is a testament to my growth as a person. a lot of the personal posts here are very emotional and full of pain. it’s incredible for me to finally be at a point in my life where i don’t feel those incredibly intense feelings, where i don’t feel this need to release that negativity into my writings or to another person to feel better. it feels great to be at a point where i can manage my own emotions, check in with myself and understand why i feel the way i feel, and to be able to take action to do something about it. to recognize the impact other people can have on me and why and to be able to set healthy boundaries instead of let people walk all over me like so many have in the past. to finally speak up for myself instead of letting things be misunderstood! 

without reaching a breaking point of someone who was in my life, and to finally recognize the unhealthy patterns of this relationship, and the negative impact it had on me, and finally to end that relationship.. i don’t think i would have made these strides without that happening. seriously ya’ll never think you shouldn’t evaluate the relationships around you. they have more of an influence on your happiness possibly more than might be apparent on the surface.

here’s to another chapter in my life, finally with the positivity and happiness i had been striving to achieve for so long <3

[songraven]

so dissociated when i zone back in things feel too real. my life is falling apart around me man. i hardly know what to say or how to cope. i’ve been trying so hard. so hard to get out of the pit that is the financial devastation of this country. the poor stay the poor here due to systematic oppression. when i try to climb out of it by doing things like going to school, there’s always something that comes in the way of that when i try to and finally go to pursue those ambitions so my daughter can live a better life. 

don’t live with your friends because you’ll find that they aren’t actually your friends even if you think they are. they’ll take advantage of you, lie to you, and treat you badly. even if they don’t intend to do so, they won’t care about your needs or your daughters, they won’t respect you, they will misunderstand you at every turn or expect things that are unreasonable for you or unfair, like mindreading, or not communicate. not many people have their shit together unfortunately. 

i’m hungry but have no appetite.

never date anyone you live with unless its clear they have themselves figured out because shit will go bad, you’ll get taken advantage of as well, used, only cared about when you contribute something to them.. like romantic gratification or sex. you may even be naive enough to believe because you see the good in them that they wont and you’ll be wrong. you’ll be so wrong. even if they also wont intend to, you’ll be a guinea pig while they try to figure themselves out. you’ll just be a pawn in their journey to learning how to better themselves, and you’ll get hurt and left behind in the dust, and nothing to show for it except too much wasted time.

zone back in

stress. so far away, her dad. finances. i can’t afford shit. i can’t afford to go up there. things are falling apart. come november will i have a home? and if i do who will it be with? will i be happy? will i have to make choices and settle for the ones that i know wont make me happy but i can keep surviving with? its hard to be okay

the one person i could think i could count on, i don’t feel like they’ve been genuine with me for awhile. our interactions have been off for awhile, i feel like their end has been distant. they keep saying they arent the person they were before and will communicate but then doesnt. then when they finally open up they’re like “oh yeah i need to remember you’re here for me” like, you kept saying you weren’t going to do that shit again? and here we are. i’ve been hurting because of their actions for awhile. “hey i’m going here, or there, no actually i’m gonna do this, by the way i’m going to string your heart along all the while making false promises and hopes and then go back on every single one. oh by the way i know i’m the one person who means the most to you besides your daughter, but i’m going to miss her life growing up because i want to make a hasty decision to go live with this guy in another country that i’ve only been talking to again for not even a month and am deciding this in less than a year again. fuck you joaneea i’m choosing him over everything we ever had planned or ever talked about. oh don’t worry i’ll see you once a year! oh wait no now i can’t talk to you because you hurt me by being honest with your feelings about how you feel left behind and how hurt you feel over my selfish and hasty decisions.” 

man i was hurting way before over your actions way before i told you how what you were deciding was affecting me and how i feel it was going to affect our future. and you want to twist this shit back on me. fuck it man i can’t tell you how i feel about anything without this always happening, with every guy, with every situation, man if it doesnt protect your feelings its going to be my fault for speaking up and being honest with you, even when i am honest its not like you really listen to me about any situation! then again who does? i’m fucking worthless to everyone unless i give them my all and then i just get used dry and get discarded.

man fuck this every single person i ever thought had my back really didn’t and you know what? its not even their fault, its mine for ever thinking they did, its mine for choosing to surround myself with these people.

man i dont even want to live anymore

with all i have to sacrifice, im going to be hardly able to even get by, or see my daughter, or happy. i might as well do what everyone wants and just disappear. i’m no benefit to anyone in my life, clearly. at this point with what ive been going through lately i’m not even to my own daughter. and no one cares enough to listen or to think about how any aspect of my life is going. no people just shit talk me when i try so hard, or selfishly command my attention without even asking how my day is going. or i just don’t get understood. or when i try to make a decision that is healthy for me i just mean nothing to the other person because by setting a boundary for myself, the other person isnt getting what they want anymore so i mean nothing. what happened to social values? what happened to people caring?

just gonna give everyone what they want and disappear, the only thing i have left to do is to plan how.

[songraven]

am i scared of confronting my feelings because i am too comfortable? how long have i lived like this now? i feel like i’ve been alone for so long. am i alone? are we really always alone? i’m not exactly sure what to think. i feel like so many people get to try and know me and i just shut them out. but i dont understand why. i don’t get why i am so scared. i try not to be, and i’m not always that way. i don’t want to live comfortably in my bubble anymore. i just want to live and with courage, unafraid. and yet i was that way not so long ago. what’s happened to me?

[30knight]

Will scan and upload this properly later- for now, just wanted to write this about sexual assault and how common it is.

I’m not excusing how often this happens and certainly not saying it is okay; nor am I saying that this never happens with strangers… It does.

I just wanted to try and illustrate why sexual assault is rarely reported and my suspicions as to why the silence is perpetuated. This is a super personal comic for me so excuse if people cannot relate, but I hope people can xx

[songraven]

i need to write this down so i dont think im going crazy or that i am wrong for feeling this way, or even worse that i repress any of this and forget it until it gets buried, deep deep down where i can’t find it anymore. i’m sure i will remember more and edit this in the future

when we had our conversation, he was explaining how other peoples bad days dont affect him anymore. i said thats great and im glad to hear that because thats a good thing, thats awesome, and healthy. but then he said in relation to me that if i ever had a bad day, just like anyone else in his life, that would be terrible for him. but now how he literally doesnt care. said in an apathetic tone that if im having a bad day (ME specifically) he doesnt care, “well that sucks, sorry” verbatum with hand gestures up in the air, shrugging his shoulders, and a smug smirk, specifically also regarding to when i told him i didn’t feel understood when it came to my roommate situation on new years. like its good to not be dragged down by others, i think that is a healthy place to be at, i think that is a necessary place for EVERYONE to be at to be able to support others without letting it have an impact on them, but if you literally dont give a shit about whats going on in my life to the degree you withdraw your support why are we even friends? why do we care? also what did i do to deserve THAT? because i chose that i didn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore because your toxic behaviors hurt me? that warrants you not being GOOD friend anymore even though i was honest with you and didn’t do shit behind your back? and even despite all of that bullshit i fucking supported you emotionally and mentally when you’d have breakdowns or be so insecure you couldn’t even talk, and did so much for you because i wanted to make sure you were okay until it fucking broke me and you didn’t even bat an eye or hardly return the favor and now you dont want to give me ANY support? even though NOW is when i’ve needed it the most because of YOUR actions, or in some cases inaction when it came to taking care of your share of the household? and you tell me you started to withdraw help intentionally because you don’t want to and you don’t care? and thats why i’ve learned also not to rely on other people and i openly SAID that to you because you not helping made its impact to when you chose to only do it because of ROMANTIC INTEREST and here i thought you did because we WERE best friends!

and then when i told you that your toxic behaviors hurt me, you ask how they did (albeit for understanding) because in your perspective, “it wasn’t that bad”? are you joking? how much more invalidating can you get?

and on top of that to bring up dating other people so soon because if someone whos interested in you comes along “you dont want to miss out on the opportunity” like people are some kind of job offer to you? like you just pick up the next available one that expresses interest because you don’t know when another is going to come along out of desperation? like you literally hop from person to person like thats okay and healthy without any real feelings for them but because you need some kind of person to constantly be attached to because of your insecurities? instead of bothering to heal and do whats necessary to overcome your toxic behaviors that hurt ME so bad to withdraw myself emotionally and push you away to begin with, before you decide to enter another relationship? and not just me but also BOTH of your exes?! all i could say to you after hearing that was that you need to heal because its going to bleed out on to them too and hurt them just as badly and i wouldnt wish that for anyone, but it surprised me that it was even something to come out of your mouth.

and instead of fucking helping other people for your own selfish gains to manipulate them to achieve your own desires, especially when it comes to influencing whether or not someone wants to be romantic with you, maybe try fucking helping them and treating them nicely BECAUSE YOU WANT TO BE A GOOD PERSON AND GIVE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, because you want whats BEST FOR THEM, not because you’re so goddamn insecure you can’t fucking see straight and need someone to latch onto

you were so fucking obsessive to the point i could hardly breathe around you, i couldnt even look at you. your actions impacted me in a way i became so depressed in so little time to the point in less than a week i thought about suicide again, like it took you no effort and you couldn’t see that you were behaving like the person that you detested the most; your obsessive ex lover. you didn’t listen to me when i needed it the most, you didn’t respect me or my personal space, you dumped EVERYTHING on me where i was your SOLE support in EVERYTHING and putting that kind of pressure on me for your well-being and security despite me trying to encourage you to talk to others including your family YOU WOULDNT, you were so demanding of my attention to the point where it was so unrealistic, and i have started repressing these things so deeply i am already forgetting more of things that hurt me off of the top of my head despite them being there SECONDS prior. if this is the way you acted with semaj for years i can see how it became mutually toxic for the both of you in the ways YOU BOTH contributed unhealthy behaviors in the relationship. thats another thing, STOP fucking acting like the only thing you did wrong was enabling his behavior, because its so obvious to me now that it was much more than just enabling.

even after i told you i couldnt do it with you anymore, you started acting in weird ways that made me feel like I WAS the one who was semaj. i started to feel like i was always going to be SEMAJ to you just because i was a romantic interest of yours, despite the fact i didn’t do anything even slightly similar to him and you know this and have said this! you started hiding your phone from me, though i NEVER HAVE EVER TRIED to get into it, or even thought about it at that because i trusted you! and withdrawing any kind of support, ANY kind, at all, things that made me feel isolated, or that i did something wrong, or that i was wrong for taking the steps that were healthy for me! despite you admitting you knew i did nothing wrong and how shitty it was for you to do! and on top of that you also admitted the way you had been behaving was toxic and manipulative! but how can you say and admit these things but act the way you do presently and not care? doesnt someone who wronged someone else normally try to make it up to them by being better, not worse?

even after the fact i had asked you for space you wouldn’t give it to me, which did even more damage in the long run. causing me to stop talking and to repress my feelings and feel like i wasnt right in asking for BASIC FUCKING BOUNDARIES. i didnt feel okay even my own home, i didn’t feel comfortable, or safe, i felt like i was being stalked because you were hovering over me EVERY SINGLE MOMENT you were around, i felt like you were a predator and i AND my daughter were prey. but in your eyes it “wasnt that bad”.

you may be trying to grow but in the process you keep doing more damage and you have no idea how to be careful with your words. in your attempt to grow you are lacking necessary empathy and sympathy to form connections with others and even allow people to heal from YOUR own bullshit. it may not have been intentional but it was not okay to put someone through and you still knew what you were doing right from the get-go and chose to do nothing and to not listen due to, as YOU say “being oblivious”, and honestly if someone comes to you over and over with a problem and you don’t listen, theres a fine line to be drawn between whats intentional or not anymore.

i thought when we first entered the relationship that time that it was going to work out and we’d be together for a long time if not, in my mind, hopefully the last relationship i’d have. i thought it was the first healthy relationship i would have but i was proven sorely wrong.  i can’t get closure with you. i thought by trying to talk things out with you that i could reach closure and understanding, and while i do have understanding i will not have closure, because you’re not going to give me that because you’re going to invalidate what i went through with you or continue to be oblivious to it because of whatever ego trip high that you’re on right now. yeah well keep doing that, i know it will balance out eventually because i’ve been there myself, and i think you will become better after all of it, but from here on out i’m detaching myself from feeling anything at all for you. i was upset over you but that was before i could see i was being manipulated this entire time for your own gain, but THANK YOU for showing me so i can be done wasting my time.

i regret trying it with you again and wish i never did, i can’t go back on it now but at least now i’ve learned and know not to. fuck that man the least you could do is actually take care of yourself and better yourself instead of NOT doing that and going on and fucking up the next girl. 

[songraven]

i write this because i love you

and i need you to know that i always did.

i never even had an infatuation period with you. i’m familiar with infatuation and with you it was straight love right from the get-go. when we started hanging out, and i started getting to know you, you intrigued me a lot as a person. it took awhile for me to start to love you, that’s why i waited 3 months to start officially dating you. and the biggest thing that attracted me to you was the fact that i could see that you were human. human with issues and flaws and THAT is what i fell in love with, not just the flaws that made you you, but how IMPERFECTLY perfect that you were. out of all the people who surrounded me and acted like they were perfect, who denied their flaws, essentially denying their own humanity, i didn’t see that in you. you were out there, you were who you were, and that was so fucking refreshing to me. i wanted someone just as flawed as i was. i knew of my own imperfection as well, so i didn’t want or expect perfection in anybody. and i had hoped that you would love my flaws as much as i loved yours. the quirks, your history that developed you into the person you are today, they make you, YOU. 

i’m sorry if i never told this to you, i know my anxiety could prevent me from communicating at times, like it would suck my breath right out of my throat and i couldn’t speak. i tried but at times i didn’t feel like it was entirely reciprocated so i didn’t want to freak you out or push you away with me being “sappy” or a hopeless romantic, which i fully admit that i am.

but at the same time i believe relationships are about growing together and overcoming obstacles that sometimes we create for ourselves, with our emotional and mental issues from our past. i wanted that for both of us and that’s why i brought them up because i also wanted to be honest with you how they would affect me also. but i truly believe i was so patient with all of it. because i understood all of it. i just wanted it to get better.

i wanted you to feel like someone cared when there were times you would tell me that you felt like no one did. i always tried to let you know that i did. not just in my words, but also in my actions. every kiss, every touch, every caressing to massage to every intimate moment we had sexually. every time i made you food, every time i tried persuading you to eat even when you didn’t want to. because i love you and was concerned for you and your well-being, because i want the best for you, physically and emotionally and mentally healthy. so that YOU could be happy. any time i’d want to drive you to work, not just so you could spend the night with me, but also so that you didn’t have to spend bus fare to work, or walk or bike, to try to make your life a little easier, a little less stressful than it had to be.

i know i couldn’t fix any of your issues, i didn’t necessarily expect to, but i wanted to take away from ANY of the bad in your life, or any of the bad that went through your head day to day. i wanted to add quality and improvement to your life, not the opposite, and i’m sorry if i didn’t achieve that.

i feel like i had expectations that were reasonable. i don’t know if you think they were or not. i only wanted for you to follow through on your word, like when you were coming over, because consistency was important to me. i wanted you to not take out your anger at me, passive aggressively or directly or otherwise. i wanted healthy communication between us because i wanted a future with you so bad. i wanted up front communication, and i don’t know if my expectations drove you away, but i had needs in a relationship and honestly, i just never felt listened to. but i ignored that feeling most of the time because i wanted you to be happy, and i didn’t want to upset you by bringing up shit. but sometimes i did because it upset me.

after we broke up to take our break, the reason it became so hard for me wasn’t because i never loved you. it was because i was afraid you were on your way out. which was fine if you were, not that is what i would have wanted, but i wanted honesty if that was the case, and i never was sure. i needed to know if we were done so that i could start to heal and move on instead of holding onto something that wasn’t going to work, which was going to hurt a hell of a lot more. i know you told me several times when i asked but it was so hard to believe, and i know that was my own trust issues, but after seeing what i had on social media, noticing the different ways you would communicate with me, everything seemingly cold and distant, sometimes lost in my own perception of things, it became so hard to not indulge in my own fears. but still i contained the majority of them from you to not give you any unnecessary stress and continuously reminding myself that my perception is not always reality, even when it felt like it most of the time.

i told you a long time ago that cheating was always on my mind, my number one fear, and that never exactly stopped.

i keep looking back on the messages and questioning so much and wondering about what i could have done or said differently, and precisely what makes you think i never did love you, but i don’t know if any of it would have mattered.. maybe we are just two hurt people that are too hurt to be together. but if i hurt you with anything i ever said i swear to you i never meant to and i’m sorry. i tried hard to be honest with you about the way i felt and saw things, i did feel unappreciated, i did feel taken advantage of at times, forgotten about and not a priority in your life, those were MY feelings, and i just feel like they were never truly addressed when i brought them up. but i also felt real love for you, i also saw good in you and i still do, and i also have only ever wanted your happiness and well-being.

but one thing i cannot do is sit by and let you think i never loved you when i did so, so fucking much. just because we had our issues doesn’t mean that i ever stopped.

maybe none of this will mean anything to you now that things are over between us, honestly it’s fine if it doesn’t. but not for a second do i want you to think you weren’t loved.

[songraven]

connections

when you’re so scared of making a connection

because you’re so afraid of getting fucked over again. so you put your walls up. you dissociate. you detach yourself from the other person because being by yourself is what you know. being by yourself is safer. more comfortable. not always more pleasant, you’re not always more happy, but at least no one can hurt you, right?

but fuck in the process you’re pushing away those who aren’t going to hurt you, who aren’t going to fuck you over because they truly love you.

man and it really goes both ways. while this applies to others, it also applies to me.

i love you and i just want you to see that, i want your happiness and well being. even when it doesn’t include me anymore.

[songraven]

once in awhile i look at my scars in my heart on my body thoughts flood my brain about reacting again because of the temporary emotion that runs through my veins, screaming to be let out through the blood inside me sometimes its never enough but i resist the urge to do it just knowing that i can’t go back to that life with little meaning but goddamn it’s not that easy, and sometimes i think it'd be easier if i didn’t have feelings.

songraven@tumblr

[songraven]

When you think about the delicate feeling of a moment Lost in time forever Only part reminiscent is the memory in our head So with that being said remember when you feel like You are worthless That everyone hates you That there was a time they didn't And it's there In your memory If only you would dig for it And make that your reality Instead of the voices in your head Who tell you that you aren't enough.

songraven@tumblr

[roachpatrol]

ultimately i think kindness is the most radical thing you can do with your pain and your anger. it’s like, you take everything awful that’s ever been done to you, and you throw it back in the world’s teeth, and you say no, fuck you, i’m not going to take this.  you say this is unacceptable. you say that shit stops with me.

humans are fucking terrible and this awful world we live in will fucking kill you but if you are kind, if you are brave and clever and try really hard, you can defy it. you can impose on this bleak and monstrous structure something beautiful. even if it’s temporary. even if it doesn’t heal anything inside you that’s been hurt.  

i’m gonna sleep and i’m gonna wake up and i swear by everything in this deadly horrible universe i’m gonna make someone happy. 

[roachpatrol]

i’ve seen a number of comments and tags where people feel that they must swallow or repress their anger in order to engage in kindness. that is not at all what i am recommending here. radical kindness is an expression of anger. it is not passive. it is not repressive. it does not require you, in any way, to forgive those that have fucked you up. it does not require you to be quiet. 

it just requires that you be kind. viciously. vengefully. you fight back. you plant flowers. give to charity. play games. pet someone’s dog. scream into the dark. paint and write and dance, tell jokes, sing songs, bake cookies. you have been hurt and you don’t have to deny that hurt. you just have to recognize it in other people, and take their hand, and say: no more. enough. fuck this. no more. 

have a cookie.

i will say this again: we are all going to die. the universe is enormous and almost entirely empty. to be kind to each other is the most incredible act of defiance against the dark that i can imagine. 

[lightheartedsuggestion]

Be emphatic, be kind, be understanding. But be strong, be honest, be assertive.

[songraven]

gotta write.

12:06am. june 4th, 2017.

will i break up with him

i dont know but i know i am drunk

i know its borderline abusive

i love him so much though and thats what kills me

i will be letting go but then its moments like now, like tonight, where i dont want to. but i have to. i have to think about my daughter. i have to think about whats best for me and for her. and i dont think hes whats best for us.

i dont think he has bad intentions. i just think he has a lot to figure out and he should be doing it by himself. i can’t be the one there for him trying to make his life work as much as i love him

god i hope he works it out

i want him so much to be happy

thats how i know i love him

the only reason i even consider staying is because i love him and want him to be happy

i know how much i contribute to his happiness, but lately he doesnt contribute to mine, instead he does the opposite. take away from it. i mean he does contribute as well, its not like hes a black hole void of all good things. its just these days he takes way more than he gives and im not happy anymore.

i need to refer back to htis when im not under the influence. i need to read this. i need to convince myself im doing the right thing instead of doubting myself.\

at this point in time i just wish i didn’t love him

i don’t want to hurt him 

for once i feel like by doing this i will be doing the hurting and i just don’t fucking want to, i don’t want to be the heartbreaker, i don’t want it

i’m so fucking sorry cody

i love you so much

i really do

but before we can truly be together you need to figure out yourself first

please, figure out yourself. i love you. even if we never end up together. please just find happiness. please.