i write this because i love you
and i need you to know that i always did.
i never even had an infatuation period with you. i’m familiar with infatuation and with you it was straight love right from the get-go. when we started hanging out, and i started getting to know you, you intrigued me a lot as a person. it took awhile for me to start to love you, that’s why i waited 3 months to start officially dating you. and the biggest thing that attracted me to you was the fact that i could see that you were human. human with issues and flaws and THAT is what i fell in love with, not just the flaws that made you you, but how IMPERFECTLY perfect that you were. out of all the people who surrounded me and acted like they were perfect, who denied their flaws, essentially denying their own humanity, i didn’t see that in you. you were out there, you were who you were, and that was so fucking refreshing to me. i wanted someone just as flawed as i was. i knew of my own imperfection as well, so i didn’t want or expect perfection in anybody. and i had hoped that you would love my flaws as much as i loved yours. the quirks, your history that developed you into the person you are today, they make you, YOU.Â
i’m sorry if i never told this to you, i know my anxiety could prevent me from communicating at times, like it would suck my breath right out of my throat and i couldn’t speak. i tried but at times i didn’t feel like it was entirely reciprocated so i didn’t want to freak you out or push you away with me being “sappy” or a hopeless romantic, which i fully admit that i am.
but at the same time i believe relationships are about growing together and overcoming obstacles that sometimes we create for ourselves, with our emotional and mental issues from our past. i wanted that for both of us and that’s why i brought them up because i also wanted to be honest with you how they would affect me also. but i truly believe i was so patient with all of it. because i understood all of it. i just wanted it to get better.
i wanted you to feel like someone cared when there were times you would tell me that you felt like no one did. i always tried to let you know that i did. not just in my words, but also in my actions. every kiss, every touch, every caressing to massage to every intimate moment we had sexually. every time i made you food, every time i tried persuading you to eat even when you didn’t want to. because i love you and was concerned for you and your well-being, because i want the best for you, physically and emotionally and mentally healthy. so that YOU could be happy. any time i’d want to drive you to work, not just so you could spend the night with me, but also so that you didn’t have to spend bus fare to work, or walk or bike, to try to make your life a little easier, a little less stressful than it had to be.
i know i couldn’t fix any of your issues, i didn’t necessarily expect to, but i wanted to take away from ANY of the bad in your life, or any of the bad that went through your head day to day. i wanted to add quality and improvement to your life, not the opposite, and i’m sorry if i didn’t achieve that.
i feel like i had expectations that were reasonable. i don’t know if you think they were or not. i only wanted for you to follow through on your word, like when you were coming over, because consistency was important to me. i wanted you to not take out your anger at me, passive aggressively or directly or otherwise. i wanted healthy communication between us because i wanted a future with you so bad. i wanted up front communication, and i don’t know if my expectations drove you away, but i had needs in a relationship and honestly, i just never felt listened to. but i ignored that feeling most of the time because i wanted you to be happy, and i didn’t want to upset you by bringing up shit. but sometimes i did because it upset me.
after we broke up to take our break, the reason it became so hard for me wasn’t because i never loved you. it was because i was afraid you were on your way out. which was fine if you were, not that is what i would have wanted, but i wanted honesty if that was the case, and i never was sure. i needed to know if we were done so that i could start to heal and move on instead of holding onto something that wasn’t going to work, which was going to hurt a hell of a lot more. i know you told me several times when i asked but it was so hard to believe, and i know that was my own trust issues, but after seeing what i had on social media, noticing the different ways you would communicate with me, everything seemingly cold and distant, sometimes lost in my own perception of things, it became so hard to not indulge in my own fears. but still i contained the majority of them from you to not give you any unnecessary stress and continuously reminding myself that my perception is not always reality, even when it felt like it most of the time.
i told you a long time ago that cheating was always on my mind, my number one fear, and that never exactly stopped.
i keep looking back on the messages and questioning so much and wondering about what i could have done or said differently, and precisely what makes you think i never did love you, but i don’t know if any of it would have mattered.. maybe we are just two hurt people that are too hurt to be together. but if i hurt you with anything i ever said i swear to you i never meant to and i’m sorry. i tried hard to be honest with you about the way i felt and saw things, i did feel unappreciated, i did feel taken advantage of at times, forgotten about and not a priority in your life, those were MY feelings, and i just feel like they were never truly addressed when i brought them up. but i also felt real love for you, i also saw good in you and i still do, and i also have only ever wanted your happiness and well-being.
but one thing i cannot do is sit by and let you think i never loved you when i did so, so fucking much. just because we had our issues doesn’t mean that i ever stopped.
maybe none of this will mean anything to you now that things are over between us, honestly it’s fine if it doesn’t. but not for a second do i want you to think you weren’t loved.