Moving Forward
I've tried multiple times to type this and it's just hard to find the words. I guess I'll say that if you follow me for art or my characters, don't expect much of an update for a while. As I said before, my partner of fifteen years passed in September and I haven't really been handling it well. We knew it was a possibility since he got sick, but there was still always this hope that things would improve and get better. Having that hope shatter and having to not only sign a DNR for him, but also to be the one to put him on hospice care… it's a position I don't wish on anyone. Things were hard in these last few years as I was his full time caretaker… but I'd still held on to hope for a better future with him. Having him in my life for over half of it means that things are difficult in ways beyond just grief. I have to learn how to be a person without him. He was half of me, and I believed that he was my soul mate in both friendship and love. Even if the last five years had strained our relationship because of our illness, there has always been a part of me that held on to that feeling. But now… I really don't know what to do with myself. It's like this part of me has just been destroyed and sent me in to a tailspin. Part of the grieving process is going to have to be rebuilding my sense of self without him, a prospect that scares me to no end.
Now to the hard part, the moving forward part. Right now, I don't see myself doing art or character things… at least not for a while and probably not publicly when I do start again. I just don't have any desire for those things right now if I'm being honest. I do hope that I can get back to drawing, but I'm already trying to prepare myself for a future where art just isn't one of my hobbies anymore. On top of that, I just won't really have much time. Reinventing oneself isn't some overnight thing and I genuinely don't know what I'll even have time for as I job search and learn to be an adult without the support of my partner. There is another aspect as well, that if I can continue my art and enjoy my characters… I want it to be for me. I don't want to try replacing that missing feeling of showing my partner my work with the likes and comments of strangers on the internet. Just another part of learning to do things for me alone now. So if you follow me for my characters and/or art, know that I appreciate you, but you might not get anything from me for a long while. I could be wrong, things could change… but I genuinely don't foresee me posting much.
My plan moving forward is to finish my character sales/trades on Toyhouse and just let myself disappear. Do not worry about my health or that I am going to be alone. I have friends and a support system offline and I will be ok. I want to prove to myself and to the memory of my partner that I can handle things on my own, that I can make it and thrive. His biggest wish for me was for me to continue on once he was gone and I have no plans on letting him down.
As a final thought; hug your loved ones and tell them you love them. You never know when it will be the last time.
