Sori's Ikigai

Sofia | Recovering from ED | Italian | 23 | Photographer | CompSci student | Pole dancer | ig: @zonarisofia | "Even if things get heavy, we'll float on"

[sorisikigai-blog]

22/04/2018 • “Book and chill” • #walk #park #parconord #niceday #sunnyday #spring #green #milano #milan #reader #pause #walkingaround #quietplace #nature #naturelovers #photographersofig #originalphotography (at Parco Nord Milano)

[sorisikigai-blog]

18th April 2018

And this day marks the end of diet regimes.

After 11 years of suffering, starving, hating.

I have so much to learn, I am scared, but that's it. I am free.

[sorisikigai-blog]

On Tuesday evening, 10/04/2018 #thursday #tempest #back #sky #bicocca #sunset #colours #split #milan #universitylife #originalphotography #iphone (at Residenza Universitaria Bicocca-U12)

[hakobore]

comic for a zine~!

[hakobore]

Patreon

[mondaynightswithcupsofcoffee]

This is a sculpture project I recently finished. The assignment was called shelter, so I decided to show how I felt in mine. I took over 1000 pill bottles and relabeled them to say things people have said to me to cause me to take these pills. I wanted people to realize what bullying does to people. Let me know what you guys think.

[photogenicnot-blog]

Recovery anecdote #4

July 3, 2017: I can’t gain the weight back. I really want to recover – I really do want to be better and be able to eat normally again. I really want to be stronger and not so freaking cold all the time. But it gives me a heart attack thinking about being xx again. I really can’t do that. I need to be this small and I need to be able to see my collar bones and my hip bones and my stomach to be this small and my arms this slender. I want to cry thinking about even gaining back to xx. Now that I reached xx. Why can’t I be this small and recover? It breaks my heart having to gain back all this weight and I am not so sure if I can do it. Maybe I can maintain while recovering my mind? Maybe I can stay this size by eating exactly my tdee? I literally don’t know what to do. I really wanna be healthy and mindful with food and I want to drink smoothies again and have the foods I love and have cookies and gummy bears and all this stuff – but I can’t do it. I’ll be fat and I’ll be repulsive again. I can’t do that. I really need to be this size. It’s all I can think of.

I found this note on my computer when looking for a different document and I had completely forgotten that I wrote this. It had the numbers in it, but since they are not of essence for this text and might be triggering I removed them. 

I am nowhere near the weight I was when I wrote this. I gained more weight than I ever could thought I could handle. I never thought I could bear to weigh that much. I do not know my exact weight at the moment, because it doesn’t matter, but it is more than it has been in a very long time. I still am self conscious, I still have a very bad body image, I still sometimes get the urge to restrict and purge and work out in order to become that small again. My figure still sometimes makes me literally sick to my stomach. 

But I know that none of that matters. I am so much more than the weight of my body, its simple relation to gravity. And I accepted that recovery means weight gain and not caring about it anymore. Recovery, for me, doesn’t mean body positivity, recovery means body neutrality: it means that I accept that this is the shell my beautiful soul rests in, this is the shell my intelligent mind finds peace in, this is the shell my loving heart gets to expand its wings, this is the shell that I get to fill with all of my life.

My size, my figure, my weight does not define me anymore. It doesn’t occupy my mind anymore. And that is so good. 

This glimpse into the “old” me, just makes me sad for that person I used to be. The anger, the self doubts, the desperation, the sadness. I have so much compassion for this person, so much compassion I never thought I could have for myself, I never thought I deserved. I just want to go back and hug that “old me” and let her know: all will be well. It isn’t yet, but it will be. 

[sorisikigai-blog]

Sorry

Sorry I’ve been posting less and less since last month but I am re-evaluating my priorities and my smartphone is not at the top of them. I’m trying to value letters more than social and my studies/work more than waste time. I miss all my beautiful followers (you’ll hear about me soon) and I will surely come back, I promise. Just let me find some inner balance 🙏🏻

[goodreadss]

[haleyincarnate]

Quote by Ray Bradbury

[summersweeet]

[writingsforwinter]

Does it ever get better honestly?

Yes. It really does.

[lifeinpoetry]

“I etch my own face upon my wicked flesh. / I am my own devastating god.”

— Rachel McKibbens, from “Shiv,” Women of Resistance: Poems for a New Feminism

[amargedom]

“Loneliness becomes an acid that eats away at you.”

— Haruki Murakami, 1Q84 (via goodreadss)

[wholesomethemedmemes]

[biostatprof]

Man on a rock

[luxlit]

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Submit a link to Lux Lit of your original work posted on Tumblr for reblog consideration.  We bring art to light!

[untamedunwanted]

“Today I found a note from my seven year old self. All it read was, “When I grow up, I want to be a good human.“ And all I could think was “I really hope I haven’t let her down.””

— Nikita Gill

[marcidmouse]

why do people want to find anorexia so beautiful and painless. where is the ugly truths about the pain you’ll feel, the truth about how after days of fasting despite how good u feel mentally, ur probably gonna spend ur days in bed clutching ur stomach because of the pain, how if you go long enough you’ll be puking stomach acid out of your nose, about how if you go even longer the stomach acid gets practically pissed out of ur ass instead because there’s no food to help get rid of it. the irritability, irrationality, meanness, and the manic emotions you’ll feel. how you’re gonna lose all your friends because nobody wants to sit and watch you die anymore as you refuse help, how nobody is ever gonna want you romantically for more than a few months because that ugliness is going to rip up right out of you and show its face in the light of day and you’ll prove yourself as too much to handle. how you’re going to be so cold, especially after all these people leave and there’s no ones body heat to steal anymore. the truth about how you can lose so much weight and still somehow never see the progress yourself because the feeling of being fat and the distorted body image follows you forever. i could go on. i really could. this isn’t beautiful. it’s ugly.