F.E @sorrowandmadness - Tumblr Blog

I couldnt wait to run to her and wanted comfort but the outcome turn out different.

I cant find the words anymore. I hate it.

I dont want to be this way. I hate it.

It just cant stop pouring now even when i want it to stop.

So many unsaid words cause i dunno how to express how i feel anymore, even the basics.

After so long of not being able to cry and when finally you are able to, it just nvr stop pouring since that day.

amargedom

“I need to learn how to stop destroying myself, stop being hard on myself, and be nice to myself.”

—

As the days and years goes by whenever i think about my future it becomes dimmer. My future looks dimmer as the time goes by. Going 10 years and im still "stuck". The people around me, my friends they're achieving and im left behind and forgotten. I cant help you know they think im sucha a pity. Each time i hear their stories how they're achieving im happy for them but at the same time sad for myself. Cause ive been "stuck" for so long and its like a stimulation. I've been trying so hard to get better and keep up with everyone but its not enough. It just sucks that i have this. I want to be normal and live normally like the rest yeah they have problems but it different in a way. You knw i wish i had a twin so i can share this feeling with them and they would knw exactly how i feel. I just wish i had a better childhood. I guess today is one of those days that im just not feeling great like other days i guess. Yeah, its one of those days. No one can understand me.

First paper, in 2hrs time and im just chilling at the same time kinda panicking in a way. Its funny how my god mother just called me like she knew im gonna have my exam today. Ive been wanting to call her and ask her to pray for me but i didnt cause im embarrassed to asked. I did ask her for last term. Isnt it funny how i want my god mother to pray for me instead of my own mother? Well, always been tough love from her so i rather not ask her.

You knw im starting to finally accept that im on my own with this with no support eventhough the initial plan wasnt this. The moment where im beginning to accept it is the moment where i will no longer care and have no expectations. It is what it is. Im full of flaws too anyways so mehh. The older you get the more you will realized that you cant keep on wasting ur time and energy on negativity because we are running out of time. Im no longer a teenager or in my early twenties anymore that would be a diff story. One day, they will understand.

For real the dream i had last night drained me. Wtv i dont care if it disturb me or whatsoever just now, what i care is because of it i dont have the energy to study when tmrw is my exam lol. Really forcing myself to get out from bed just now i literally listened to music and just stare at the ceiling cause im tired. Im so screwed lol seriously i dunno which is worst me having panic attacks or me not feeling anything at all. I need a study buddy lol.

amargedom

“‘I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know?’”

—

amargedom

“If people could see me the way I see myself - if they could live in my memories - would anyone love me?”

—

Damn, the whole day ive been trying to study but i cant lmao. There goes my obnoxious mind shit. Its doing it thing again the over worrying etc. Shit man. My head is tired now fuckk.

2 more days till exam starts and im freaking out internally actually. Cause it feels like i still knw nothing. I just got one of my assignments result yesterday and i knw i could have done better than what i got but im still grateful that i passed it cause i rmbr how when i was doing it i was so reluctant, unmotivated and procrastinate so much and my sister caught me having a mental breakdown while doing it. So yeah after all that i could have failed tbh but i passed and the assignment was tough so i can expect much from it. So alhamdulillah that i passed it. Just im worried about the exam now. Cause i have so much more to go thru and so little time. Honestly i cant expect high grade for this term looking at the state that im in and not being prepared like last term. I honestly still disappointed in myself this term, all the vision, the hopes, the drive is gone and my old self and future self would be mad. I wish its like a switch where i can just turn on and off.

With things triggering me and im trying to control myself. I swear i hate bullies. I hope they fall. I really hope they do. Certain things the one above expect us to take matters in our own hands if after so many kindness been given to the wrongdoers and they still keep repeating it we just have to handle it like how the prophet went to war before that he gave countless of chances so he decided that it was enough and began to handle it. With me seeing people around me going thru all of this not just one person but so many people going thru this just make me feel im right about humans. Thats why i have social phobia cause i saw it first. But props to those people who able to face it and keep on fighting cause thats the only way they're a warrior. I admire this kinda people alot cause its not easy. Me on the other hand just feel like running away from this. Keep running away when things get hard. Always taking a step back. Im not a warrior yet eventhough some think of me that i am a warrior.

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