Ever since I was little, every time I faced even the smallest problem, emptiness was poured into me. People saw me as the quiet kid. They thought I was an introvert. I wasn’t. It was fears. And over time, that fear turned into hatred toward people not because of insults or bullying, but because I slowly withdrew from society. My parents never really accepted me. When I was around 11 or 12, I started pulling away from them, and that’s when I began craving friends. I just wanted people to like me. Looking back, I hate some of the things I did but let’s be honest, most kids are assholes at that age. The difference is, I never wanted to be one. Conservative, sexist beliefs were constantly pushed onto me. I hated them, but where I grew up, that’s what you were taught was “cool.” Now I identify as agender. I’m not man, maybe just a boy but also not a women I just don’t feel connected to being a man either. I don’t want to play that role. I’d always admired non-binary people, but back then I’d only seen people like that online or in TV shows, so it all felt impossible, like it couldn’t exist in real life. Now, painting my eyes, painting my nails, getting my nose pierced or a belly button piercing those are all pieces of who I am. Back then, though, I was carrying the shame I’d been taught to feel. I couldn’t accept that side of myself, so I buried it instead. I got into trouble with the law. School turned me into the black sheep, and after a while I just leaned into it. It almost felt cool. I hate every second of who I became back then. Looking back now, I don’t see some badass kid. I just see someone who was slowly falling apart. So my parents started hate me, it was right bout they raised me to be like that then… Now when I’m better, they said „you were better then” - Ugh
I’m so tired, my mother wanted to cure me and she cured me of love, is it okay? Because now I don’t do I feel love? I have a girl now, I know she’s for life but it’s more like I hers, I’m on my knees for her, she supports me, I thank that she is when I hate other people, this feeling so wild, but is love? I’m into her, I wanna live with her, no more options but I don’t about „love” emotion, I know that I love her, but emotion, sometimes I think it’s not it. It’s kinda creepy but my love emotion, it’s like isolation in her, become addicted to her, I want to see her spiting on me, I want to see her on her knees begging me for it, when she cry, when I know she can die because she hurt me or just for me, when she’s calling me God, when she’s praying to me, when she hate everyone and she loves me, I like when she’s mean, I hate when she’s empathetic, I’m fallin’ in darkness when she do whenever she doesn’t do things my way, to be honest she do one thing I really hate myself because it bother me, she really want it, but it makes me lose feelings. I really need a help, it’s so shameful, I think now when she’s saying that she’s mine, she’s lying (I ain’t talking about another man so…) I sink into myself because I was raised to believe love didn’t matter. Now love means too much to me. Maybe because it feels so rare. For so long, I convinced myself it wasn’t even real. And once I finally experienced it, I realized it’s not something you can just let go of. I always feel like I need someone. I hate admitting that, but that’s just the way I am. The hardest part is that my ability to love slowly fades. Not because of my girl but old friends, schools, family raised me. And I have no strength. Everything feels so overwhelming that all I want is to disappear into an even deeper emptiness.
Empty, empty, empty. I need drugs, alcohol, a hug. I really need to cry so fucking bad, but my sadness doesn’t come out as tears, it comes out as wanting to kill myself. To be honest, I’m not sick of this. I’m sick of the reasons that made me this way, so I feel so goddamn empty. I wanna know love, but I used to be cold. I really hate being cold, but if I’m not, I start losing myself Sometimes it feels like I’m trapped between feeling nothing and feeling way too much. But I also know I ain’t feel too much, I just feel where I can’t
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